jennx Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 This is a tangent off a previous thread regarding a man I have been seeing who is emotionally damaged and afraid of being in love. During the discussion, I found it interesting to see this man be so insecure about himself and relationships that he is willing to completely walk away from his (self-proclaimed) "girl of his dreams" because he fears he is not good enough for her. (Of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg concerning my particular situation.) Nevertheless, I feel there are many men that share this same mindset and wondered if anyone else knew someone who has a similar frame of mind. I'd love to discuss it further.
Weezy1973 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 People like this likely have a low sense of self worth. That is they don't believe they are worthy of being loved, especially by someone that they have strong feelings for and value. They also have the (false) belief that if they are rejected or betrayed, they will not be able to handle it. They are not willing to be vulnerable and vulnerability is vital to interpersonal relationships.
Author jennx Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 They are not willing to be vulnerable and vulnerability is vital to interpersonal relationships. This is a great point, and very pertinent to this particular situation. It was when he started to become overwhelmed by his feelings for me that he pushed me away. I believe now it is a fear of vulnerability to blame!
Tenacity Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Hi. I read your thread on the other forum all the way through, so I am familiar with what you are going through. First, I am very sorry for your pain. I understand it more than you know. In all honesty, I think this is an excuse that your MM is using, and not so much just his "insecurity" (although that seems to be an issue too). He does not want to commit to you, for whatever reason, or he would - insecure or not. I would agree with the other posters that there is more going on than you seem to know. He has been divorced three times - I realize you said that he was cheated upon. You only have his word on this. Being divorced three times, combined with his unwillingness to be with you for whatever reason - is a huge red flag. There are things you don't know. As a person who has spent way too many years making way too many mistakes, please don't make the same one I did. I never married my MM, but had I done so, I know I would have had a huge wake-up call as to what he was REALLY like... not just my fantasy of it. I would give anything to have a boring marriage to someone who would do anything for me. You will regret it ultimately if you let this go. 1
Author jennx Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Wow, thanks for your interest and kind, yet candid, reply. I really appreciate the advice from someone like you, who has been in a similar situation. You know, you are very right. And you are not the first person to say his reasoning is an excuse and nothing more. I think the pain of rejection is so fresh I am still drowning in my own foolishness. My insecure heart wants the answers to "why", and even though it's right in front of me, I am blinded by my emotions. I read somewhere recently that if someone truly wants to be a part of your life, they will find a way to be in it. Your advice echos this sentiment. That hurts to think about, but I guess it's so true and I need to put on my big girl panties and accept it. (Pardon my beating this topic to death, but it is so very cathartic to ruminate on it at this phase.)
Author jennx Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) Another thought that popped into my head is he admitted to me he loathes authority/ being told what to do. He said it is a horrible flaw that has kept him from living up to his potential in several areas or his life. He readily admits this is an issue, but is ironically unwilling to change even though he knows it stops him from getting what he wants in life. (i.e. successful love relationships as it translates into being vulnerable and compromising) He goes into each new romance knowing it will eventually fail because of his stubborn nature!!! My next question is why does he still refuse to change when he knows good and well it's his own behavior that is keeping him from what he says he wants??? It's not like he has anything at all to gain from remaining the way he is now. Is it laziness? Selfishness? Arrogance? ...or mostly his crippling insecurity creating a self-fulfilling prophecy? I'm just stumped. Edited August 25, 2012 by jennx
Author jennx Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 ...they don't believe they are worthy of being loved, especially by someone that they have strong feelings for and value. ... if they are rejected or betrayed, they will not be able to handle it. He did admit the strong feelings and value were there.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I'm pretty sure that a man with his history has purposely (maybe subconsciously) chosen to have sex with a married woman because that pretty much excuses him from having to ever function in a regular day to day relationship. You probably are "the girl of his dreams" for this very reason.
Author jennx Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 I think bottom line is that he was fine with the A as long as he didn't have any responsibility towards it. I think him telling me he was in "pain" was code for saying he didn't want the baggage involved with becoming "exclusive". He doesn't want me full-time because of the responsibility. He wants a mindless day-to-day hookup with another chick to keep him from being lonely with the option to bang me on the side when it's convenient. LOL
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 You've got it figures out. I'm not sure what is so enchanting about discovering what lurks within the mind of a guy who just wants a convenient bang that comes with no requirements whatsoever. And he doesn't even want that anymore, right? Anyway, he sounds like a pretty commonplace character.
carhill Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 There are many impetuses of/psychologies surrounding 'love-phobic' and the one illustrated in the OP is certainly amongst them. Feeling unworthy of another's love and attention can certainly raise a wall to accepting and reciprocating such things. I've noted, as a result of life experiences and being divorced, that my former transparency regarding love has been mitigated somewhat by the literal feeling of disbelief and this comes from two places; one from women who say 'I love you' mysteriously and inexplicably disappearing and the other from the realization that, due to my historical transparency, I gave a number of women the opportunity to let me love them without any real and exigent and authentic reciprocation. Both places are within myself and I'm in full control of how to process them, but I recognize the emotional content exists and affects my perceptions of women I interact with. So, my permutation is I believe I am worthy of love but I just don't believe 'em anymore, right now anyway. One anecdote.
Author jennx Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Thank you for sharing your insight, Carhill. It's nice to hear from a man's perpsective. ... I gave a number of women the opportunity to let me love them without any real and exigent and authentic reciprocation. Yikes. Ironically, this sounds just like what I am doing with him. I saw a percieved opening and threw myself into it blindly, hoping for a reciprocation that never came to fruition.
Author jennx Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 YI'm not sure what is so enchanting about discovering what lurks within the mind of a guy who just wants a convenient bang that comes with no requirements whatsoever. It's not as much enchanting as it is cathartic.
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