bman123 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Just went through a really bad breakup on my side. I felt like i wanted to die and I felt like I would never find anyone I loved. This girl was my first true love, we met when i was 22 and she was 19. I'm now 25 and she is 22. We dated for 2 1/2 years. Met at school, at the time she had a boyfriend (long distance) that she had dated for 3 years, they had lived close to each other for 2 years (high school sweethearts) He ended up breaking up with her and we started hanging out right away. He tried to get her back and she picked me. He would try to talk to her from time to time and when he did she always got wishy washy (thinking about going back to him etc) Time went on and she eventually didn't talk to him for a year. During this time everything was great. When I met her she wasn't a christian but soon became one. Together we went to church and tried to live a christian lifestyle. We did have sex some (i'm not perfect ) as well as oral and other things. She told me all the time how I was better than her ex/how she was happy and loved me and I was the best thing to ever happen to her. She always told me how happy she was with me and I really believed it. She felt and seemed happy. We had arguments like any couple but we could never be mad for longer than a day.We basically saw each other every day for 2 1/2 years. I stayed over at her place all the time. She talked about marriage all the time too and I planned to get engaged soon. Then i messed up, I got confused with school and kind of fell in a slump. I just worked and didn't kind of do anything else. She went on into nursing school. I have a associate degree and I'm still trying to figure out what to get my bachelor's in. We had our whole life planned out/our wedding/kids names etc. I was very happy. Then her mom called her one day and asked her to come to their local buisness that they owned. It turns out her ex boyfriend from NH drove down to TN with his bestfriend (apparently they had been to NC and stopped by) HE was not invited and showed up randomly. Her mom and dad (who pays for everything and she lives with them) made her go to dinner with them. I was invited but very very angry (Trusting her I decided just to let her go) I'm sure i reacted badly when she got back as i was Angry and upset about the whole thing. She assured me she was fine and nothing happened/no feelings etc. Then a couple weeks later she calls me and breaks up with me. Saying she needs to be a single for awhile and that she needs to figure things out and that there was something missing in our relationship. I was competely shocked at this and didn't see it coming at all. She then went to the beach for a week with her mom (i was supposed to go before the break up) she talked to me during this week and we almost got back together. She told me that she felt like i got complacent in the relationship and I didn't do what I needed to do(I told her I understood and was willing to work on those things) She then began talking about marriage again and then two days later messaged me saying she needs more time still to figure things out. I was so upset and angry and confused and hurt. I most likely did all the wrong things. Everytime i talked to her (4-5 times) I tried to talk my way out of the break up. Promising to fix things, be different, remind her of our relationship etc. I know i did way more harm than good. This came to a breaking point when we were arguing on facebook. She told me I wasn't giving her time and went on to say she never loved me (romantically) the way she should have(something was missing or we had no chemisty and other things that didn't add up) I felt like she was coming up with excuses. I know the exact relationship we had and we did have chemisty and romance. She said she was lying to me and herself. I didn't believe it and I kept pushing it and she told me she knew what was missing from our relationship and she had known 5 days into it. I asked her to call me and explain. She basically said she was still in love with her ex. She felt like she never ever gave me a full, fair chance and never got over him.(we dated so soon after they broke up) She said she tried to ignore it and prayed to feel differently but she never did. (I however disagree because when she had no contact with him it was never a issue in the slightest and was never even brought up. I feel like him showing up messed her feelings all up.) She told me still cared about me and knows I treated her amazing and she needs time alone to figure out her feelings. I know she is talking to her ex again(how much i'm not sure, he still lives in NH and her in TN) She is in nursing school for 2 years and unless he moves down here it would be a long distance if they did get back together again. She told me she is going to let me know when she figures everything out. I told her i still love her and cared about her and she had my heart. (i know this most likely wasn't the best thing to say but I did.) I haven't talked to her in 4-5 days. She did comment on one of my twitter posts and textd my mom wishing her happy bday and said she loved her. I never responded to the twitter post. I'm going to give her time and i will have no contact. I truly believe one day she will see how much she loved me and cared about me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what we had was real. If she did get back with her ex (which she hasn't yet) I feel like she would realize the grass isn't greener eventually. All our our pictures of each other are still up on facebook as well. No one has removed any as of yet. The break up has been about a 3-4 weeks. My No Contact has been 4-5 days. Is there any other advice you could give me? I still totally love her and I can't change that. Obviously i'm not happy about what she did at all but I'm glad I didnt get married to her and this happened afterwards. I'm not going to be contacting her first for atleast a month or so. I thought about putting some pictures of me with some other girls on facebook as well. I'm going to go on dates too. Is there any advice you have in order to possibly get her back? What to do/ What not to do? I absoutely love this girl and I always will. I'm trying to move on right now but I still have hope that one day I may get another shot. Maybe when that comes I won't even want to. Who knows. But as for now I would for sure after I was sure she was over her ex. Hopefully time reveals all things. Thanks for reading and if you have any questions please ask!
princesss Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I believe going without contact is a good idea. You're strong for making that choice for yourself. I feel as if I'm going through the same situation, although I'm much younger. If you give her space it'll go two ways, she either realizes what a fantastic guy you are and come back or move on. But you must be patient. She can't miss you if you're always there. Know your worth, you have your whole life ahead of you. You're already going out on dates, that's a perfect step to moving on. If you would like to email, please let me know!
motive2002 Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 A question I may ask, or that you may have to ask of yourself is: Do you really know how often she contacted her ex? Getting over someone you fell in love with is pretty hard. I'm worried about the Facebook/Twitter stuff. One of the last breakups I had, I immediately un-friended her from Facebook. That was a personal decision based on how I know myself. I didn't want to see her updates, and her pictures, and her having the time of her life without me. It was too upsetting. I know you don't want to hear this, but believe me, when a chick says she wants time and space, it's extremely likely that she simply wants out and is trying to soften the blow and assuage her guilt. Sounds to me like she never really got over her ex. Maybe she wanted whatever allure the ex had, but with the kindness you gave her. Your relationship started off at a disadvantage from your perspective. She was dumped and still pining for the ex, which makes all other dating prospects not quite up to snuff. Whatever you did to reel her in initially was only temporary... and rattled completely when the ex re-emerged. You can't love someone who doesn't love you back. It's like pouring water into a bucket that has a hole in the bottom. You'll need to do whatever it is you need to do to get over your feelings for her. She dumped you. That's where it stands. Getting her "back" will be difficult and then rife with problems should you have any success. (don't count on success though.. seriously.. don't lead yourself into false hope) The only other thing I can say is that it is a long process. The old cliche "time heals all wounds" is a bitter pill to swallow right about now, but it is the truth. You won't get there overnight... and nothing will make it go any faster. For now though you can do "no contact" to keep from putting salt on the wound. You are still young. There are plenty of opportunities out there once you're healed. Let it be a life lesson: If it smells anything of a rebound, perhaps you shouldn't go there at all. I've been bit by this same scenario on more than one occasion, so I speak from experience. Good luck! 1
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