The Dating Game

[Esp0125]

Hello everyone,

 

A little bit of help from the community would be much appreciated, I am in the process of a divorce but the marriage has been over for a year no kids and actually zero drama.

 

That being said I started online dating about 3 months back and as I'm sure we all know some horror dates some good ones that didn't go anywhere because of my side or the other. I recently met this girl online and we went out 4 days ago the date had to be during the day because she had work and I had a meeting that night but we really wanted to meet. It lasted about 3 hours and we both said it went great. The parking lot was busy so I didn't try for a kiss then.

 

We talk and text every day the next night she works as a nurse so her hours are crazy she was getting off work at 9 and she lives 1 town over. She called me and I said I had to drop something off at my bro's work which is like 2 seconds from her house. She said well wait to go and I'll stop by and say hello she had to be back to work 6 hours later so she couldn't hang out. What was supposed to be 5 mins turned into like an hour of us talking and laughing.

 

Here is where my question is. She said she likes me and has a great time with me and we are going out again this weekend. Her only hiccup but she still wanted to go out on the first date was the divorce thing. I told her that me and my soon to be ex are never reconciling and she said she believes me her thing was what if things get delayed and she said in a perfect world she wanted to experience her firsts with someone who was doing the same. She said she wanted to meet me because she dated some jerks and she said I would rather go out with someone nice and she likes and if he was divorced so what.

 

She also has a wall up because she has been broken up with before after a month when she let her guard down. So this is the part of the dating game I hate... I mean we talk every night, I asked her if she thought I was into her she said she hopes so and I said I was, I asked her the same and she said she was into me. I still feel like the wall is up which I understand and she is 100% worth it I feel.

 

I dont have a confidence issue when I am on the date... I feel she shows all the signs and I kill it, when I asked her for a 2nd date she said yes right away I just dont want to be let down and that is the part I hate... I read people for a living but its hard for me to do in the beginning stages of the dating world. Once we feel the time is right to move to the next level I never second guess anything again...

 

Any insight would be appreciated... Do you guys think things are going well for me so far? I know its pretty early but when she tells me what she is looking for and we flirt I am looking for the same things in life.

 

THanks for reading

[RedRobin]

I personally would never agree to meet a guy who wasn't officially divorced AND had been divorced for at least a year.

 

Then again, I'm not into flings and casual stuff.

 

TBH, you sound like a guy on the rebound trying to score... and just 'checking the boxes' on whatever you need to do to get laid.

 

Go find a woman who is into something more casual... and be honest up front about your expectations.

[Esp0125]

I understand you don't know me and I may have not expressed this in my post... I am looking for quite the opposite, in my marriage I was lied to and there was no marriage, I was the one who fought for it until I had no fight left. The last thing I am looking for is a casual fling. The reason this divorce is taking so long where investments that had to be sorted out. I want to be with someone and build something that will last forever. You truly could not have me pegged more wrongly. I was upfront and honest with her and she was in an abusive engagement that lasted 5 years. She is a sweetheart and the last thing I want to do is lose this chance because to be honest we are alike in what we want in so many ways.. Trust me the LAST thing I want is a hookup that goes no where.

[fishtaco]

I can't read what RedRobin posted because I blocked her. By your response I think you got a little taste of what kind of poster she is. I don't need to say anything. You make the judgement yourself.

 

Anyway. This girl you're seeing has legitimate concerns. You are after all, separated but not divorced. In general, when you date, you have to take it easy anyway. Don't get so serious and gun-ho about jumping into a relationship. Sometimes that's perceived as desperate. I've made the same mistake myself.

 

And if you're casual and fun, and she ends up doing the chasing a bit, because she seemed to want it more than you, that actually doesn't hurt your chances. If anything, the game says that increases your chances.

 

So take it easy. At this point, whatever happens happens. She knows that too, hence she's being careful. Once your divorce is finalized, that's a huge milestone. She'll probably trust you a bit more. But you should continue to play it cool anyway -- not cold, but go with the flow, don't jump the gun, if you're interested, don't make her think you're not.

 

The dating world is fun but it's also hard on your self esteem. It'll take some practice to get used to.

 

And, RedRobin is going to love this, casual means casual. That means you can date other women at the same time. But, they get to date other men too. I do not recommend hypocrisy.

 

But if you don't feel comfortable doing that, you don't have to. Just know that there is a segment of the dating population that treats casual dating as casual, and serious dating as serious. And everyone have a different threshold of what is what. When in doubt, ask. It's your responsibility to ask. If you ever end up in the situation where you go... you never told me! Answer: You never asked. Well, it's your own fault for not asking. We are adults, no babysitting. You can't expect to have things handed to you on a silver platter.

 

Just remember not to take things too seriously until things get serious, and take everything that happens at face value.

 

Also, people don't value what is given away for free. If she just exists, and you shower her with attention, then guess what? Your attention is now worthless, because she didn't have to work for it. I don't recommend playing hard to get, that's the other extreme, but you have to make sure you don't hand out anything for free. You think you're just being nice, but not only does that not help you, it'll actually back-fire and cause negative perception.

 

So don't think too much. If she wants another date, and you want another date, then by all means go on the date. Whatever happens happens.

[Esp0125]

I appreciate the much better response... The thing is me and her talked on the phone for a while she texts and calls me equally as much as I do her... She is 35 me 33 she was the one who said she is not looking to date a bunch of guys as I told her the same thing as when I am talking and dating someone I like to me it just clouds the situation. When talked about a lot of things last night on the phone and when I said I know the divorce thing is a little uncomfortable to you her response was "And I'm still here" . TO me thats a good thing.

 

Like I said I have all the confidence in the world when the date is going on. Its the parts in between where I 2nd guess if she has feelings. I spoke to a close friend and he said why would she meet you on the way home in a parking lot just to say hi and then stay talking for an hour??? It makes sense but like I said I overthink stuff in the beginning stage.

[fishtaco]

I appreciate the much better response... The thing is me and her talked on the phone for a while she texts and calls me equally as much as I do her... She is 35 me 33 she was the one who said she is not looking to date a bunch of guys as I told her the same thing as when I am talking and dating someone I like to me it just clouds the situation. When talked about a lot of things last night on the phone and when I said I know the divorce thing is a little uncomfortable to you her response was "And I'm still here" . TO me thats a good thing.

 

Like I said I have all the confidence in the world when the date is going on. Its the parts in between where I 2nd guess if she has feelings. I spoke to a close friend and he said why would she meet you on the way home in a parking lot just to say hi and then stay talking for an hour??? It makes sense but like I said I overthink stuff in the beginning stage.

 

You are over thinking. She's right. She's still here right? If she's going to bail, you'll know. Just don't expect her to be able to take the next step comfortably until your divorce is finalized. She might anyway, women say one thing and do another all the time. But that's up to her. You can't expect it.

 

Also, the flip side is, big deal, you talked for 4 hours. Women change their minds all the time. And at this stage, both of you are allow to change your minds. Even if sex happened she could change her mind and bail on you. You could do the same.

 

So just enjoy it and try not to predict the future, because you can't.

 

Expectation management is very important, and is a precarious balance. There's no need to push her away, and there's no need to setup unrealistic expectations in your mind.

 

What's the worst that can happen? She bails on you, you go date someone else. I can tell you, with 100% frequency, that every single time, for any reason, my relationship, casual or serious, had ended, I have found the next one.

 

Anyway, looks to me, so far so good. So just keep that in mind, so far so good is not a bad thing.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I will partly agree with RedRobin as well as I do no think it is in her best interest to date someone who is not divorced, regardless of whether you were the glue holding the relationship together.

 

I believe you do need something casual, because emotionally I would anticipate your emotions being high easily early on. I don't think you have the emotional clarity to see or even accept this...i think you'll believe with a vigor in your emotions, and with a strong conviction accept nothing else but further validation of this.

 

You sound like a reasonable human-being, I'm not trying to hijack you or sabotage you...but what I'm trying to say is how do you expect to emotionally react after being in what sounds like a marriage that was emotionally void? you're going to take everything in like it's on fire.

 

You're completely over-analyzing this situation to a panic, why? because you likely feel like this is something that you don't want to lose and the next chapter of a great romance and potential more...am I wrong?

 

You've got to take it slow and get your feet wet in the dating world...you can't just dive in to what you see as the deepest pool and I fully don't expect you to take my advice on that.

 

Does she seem interested? of course she does, If you had the emotional/mental balance you'd see that...she is reciprocating and continuing to speak and see you.

 

If I were advising her I'd tell her to this is not a good option and situation for her to give into...especially considering her past.

 

With you I'd advice you to find something a little more light and casual, something not so deep and emotionally overwhelming, someone in the same place as you or multi-dater. I really don't think this will be good for you in the long-term but that's just my opinion and I believe she will pay the price for your emotional rollercoaster and finding and recalibrating of yourself.

 

I think it's good that things with your ex are resolving themselves amicably, but I wouldn't be so eager to jump on another horse especially with a woman who's had her share of heartbreak recently...why do you think she wants to take it slow? Plus you're both going to connect to the whole abused/vulnerable experience as some point and get in too far thinking you're each others confidants...I just see a recipe for a potential disaster here.

 

Of course the choice will be up to you two...I commend her apprehension and think you should pull in more on the reins here..you've only been separated a year and who knows how long that was.

 

Take some time to yourself, have some fun, build a man cave, watch some movies, jack off to porn with hot chicks in it...there's no need to hurry, the dating game will still be there so don't become so frustrated with it and the rules never change, you'll eventually get it and become comfortable with it If you're not just jumping into another relationship out of comfort and support.

[RedRobin]

I still stand on my original advice.

 

Just because your marriage isn't working out doesn't justify sucking someone else dry. Would it kill you to wait until you are divorced? No. It wouldn't.

 

Do everyone a favor (including yourself) and get your shyte together before you date again. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

 

... also, I don't believe it will necessarily be the woman who gets hurt the most. I've seen just as many men as women get wounded again... and BAAAD.

 

A good friend of mine got remarried to a 'rebound' after his first divorce ended amicably... so amicably he kept the farm and house they shared for over 12 years.

 

Guess what? Wife #2 ended up being abusive to him... He was married to her for all of two years... she took his house.

 

Had another friend get stalked by a woman he met shortly after a painful break up.

 

Seriously... your judgement is likely to be very clouded. This is a good time to take stock... like Ninja recommended.

Edited August 25, 2012 by RedRobin