Elpis430 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) Hello. Hope someone will respond. Me and my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up about five months ago. Before we were in a relationship, we were great friends. We've known each other around twelve years. He broke things off, but it was my fault. I will just say that it was related to drug abuse, and when I told him of my struggling with it he became very upset and ended things. The problems he had with it, were due to the fact that I was lying about things. I tried to mend it. I love him and wanted him back, but he needed time and I get that. Now we are back in contact. Seeing each other when we can, talking on the phone regularly, and preparing a plan for the rebuilding of trust. Two days ago he told me he slept with another woman in the months that followed the break up when we weren't speaking. He said he thought it would help him move on. At first, I wanted to know the details. Now, I think the less I know the better. I had decided awhile ago that if he had sex with someone while we were seperated, that it would not matter. People do crazy things while they are hurting, and I know how betrayed I must have made him feel. Bottom line, if I didn't suck as a person, we would have never broken up to begin with. There is no question that he would never cheat on me while together. He's great. The problem is two things. 1) That everyone seems like I am crazy for not being more upset. (More humiliated than anything) There is a universal feeling that he could not have really loved me if he hooked up with someone so soon. What are your feelings on this? 2) He says he told me because he thought I deserved to know. That if we were going to start fresh, he wanted it out in the open. Is this likely, or is it more likely he was just trying to "rock the boat" so to speak. Any input appreciated. Thanks. Edited August 24, 2012 by Elpis430
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I think you should be very grateful that he told you now, and cleared the air. TBH, you HAD broken up - and he did say it was to try to get over you, and you're right - people do crazy things - all kinds of things - to mask the pain. we get some posters coming on here and declaring that they admitted a long-past fling/ONS/affair many years ago, before they got married, or maybe even just after... and now their spouses no longer want to talk to them, are angry, resentful, bitter, and want to separate, divorce, vent their anger..... These people get the response that "Your spouse married a different you to the one you are, " or "you're a cheater, doesn't matter when it happened...." I think your BF has been very open with you, and obviously, you were open with him, and now you're both trying to move on, and re-build. I would just focus on what you guys know to be right for you both. Nobody is ever 100% blameless, ever, whatever the situation... Get on with your lives, and make each other happy, for as long as you can. 1
Kite Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I agree totally with Taramaiden. He really wants things to work out if he told you that. Do not always listen to the opinions of those around you. They do not know him like you do and they are not part of your relationship.
Author Elpis430 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Thanks you two. Last few days have been a little rocky. I sense some part of him feels guilty, so his behavior has been a little erratic. There is a certain point (On the Topic of his Fling) that he shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it any further. Took some thinking to realize that even though I might never fully comprehend it, that doesn't mean I can't accept it and push forward. I'm at peace with the notion that people are people, and we all do things we later regret. So now, we are providing a little distance from each other to get perspective. The erratic behavior has led to some instances where my feelings got hurt, because he did not seem to care about them very much. This is hard to interpret because he is usually kind and respectful. I guess we are both just transistioning through all the new discoveries. I told him last night to remember I was above all, his friend. I want the best and most healthy thing for both of us. The only way to get there is to have some open, honest dialogue. I want him to speak freely about how he truly feels instead of saying things in a way to manipulate the circumstances if that makes any sense. Anyways, did not mean to ramble. I really appreciated what you said. Helps to reach out.
lemonlime Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Im in a similar situation, at least in regards to what you did. Which by the way, doesnt mean you suck as a person. This is a pretty bad attitude, mainly because itll put u in the position to put up and accept behavior from him that you shouldnt. He does something that is kinda mistreating you, youll think well its only because of what I did so I have to put up with it. And if hes still angry about it theres a chance he may try to lash out at you. Theres a good chance that its the reason he slept with someone at all. Maybe you can explain the circumstances, and why he made the decision to just end things? If you want you can send me a private message.
Author Elpis430 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 I say I suck as a person half heartedly. I understand what you mean about it being unhealthy. It definitely can lead to me accepting behavior that is unnecessary. We have had talks about this also though. That I could not be punished forever, and that when we re-establish our relationship for good, it will be at a point when both of us really have dealt with the past in a way that no resentments will be harbored. He also understands that in order to deal with my issues effectively, I must focus solely on the future. As far as why he ended things, I had been keeping a very big secret obviously. A dangerous one at that. I lied about where our money was going and wasn't living up to my potential. Because of how connected we are, I imagine it disrupted his feelings of who I really am, and how well he knew me. It is hard to explain that I really am the person he always knew, as the hurt is fresh enough to focus on the bad rather than the good. I guess to understand the level of betrayal he must have felt, you have to first understand the level of love that was involved.
lemonlime Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I'm very literally going through that right now. I'm about 2 months into the "repair process" its a b*tch.
Author Elpis430 Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 Yes. It is so DIFFICULT. We have alot of issues as a result that we did not have before. I have found that my mistakes have made ME more insecure. There is this part of me that assumes he will think I deserve whatever I get, even though I know deep down he isn't that person. I am also WAY more sensitive and have a higher tendency to take things entirely to personally. Lol. I'm working on it. Are you male or female? What types of things specifically have you two done to work on repairing the relationship?
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