angelofdarkness Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Would appreciate any type of friendly advice on this forum: I met my current boyfriend one night that I was walking down the block with my cousin. He was with his brother and a friend. They made conversation with us and since I thought this guy was cute, I was intrigued and wanted to know more about him. While we conversed he told me, he was 36, divorced with 4 kids. But he said he doesn't ever want to get married again or have kids. It didn't matter to me (at 26) because I figured we could have a little fun. The more we got to know each other the more I liked him. We had so many things in common. He made me laugh. He made me feel good about myself. He taught me a lot about sex and I had my first orgasm with him. He is the kind of guy who doesn't take crap from anybody and never lets anyone intimidate him. I really look up to him. I knew it was him that I wanted for the rest of my life. He's a great dad and he always sees his kids EVERY weekend. And over time I guess it started to bother me because I could never get a full weekend alone with him. They have keys to his house and walk in whenever they want. As the years flew by, I began to wonder about our future. If he and I buy a house together, I'm sure his kids are going to want to come over and sleep over and I guess I'm just not cool with that. I thought that with time I would get over this, but my opposition is just as strong as it was 7 years ago. Also he's against having children and basically says if we do have one it'll only one child. I understand where he's coming from. Children are expensive and you don't get to live your own life anymore. I'm not sure if I'm ready yet, but when I am I want him to be on board. We don't live together. I don't want to because of the kids thing. He lives in a room with a roommate and there's not much space plus the kids come over all the time. There's no privacy. His kids are now: 23, 21, 18, and 16. And none of them work. The 16 yr old doesn't have to, I know, but the ex-wife doesn't work either. I don't know how they're handling it, but my fear is that my boyfriend has to come to the rescue if they run out of money. I love him dearly and I'm afraid if I leave him I'll go through a string of lovers who just treat me bad, and I'll never get married or have children. Maybe I shouldn't give up on a good thing. He and I have recently had talks where I've told him, 'we've gone as far as we could' with the relationship and I'm thinking of leaving. I'm looking into teaching English abroad for a year. Mostly because I guess I'm just tired of the same ol' same ol' here. It would mean leaving my job, my home, my car, and my love. My question is: despite its flaws do I leave a great relationship or stay and make it work? Thank you for any advice you could give me.
Crila16 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Ok. Your fears over the boyfriend are totally justified. Yes...the kids are bums...as is the ex and yes he will be responsible for everyone. A lot of baggage, that it's apparent after 7 years, you can't and will never get over. You want to know why? Because this isn't what you want for your life. You answered your own question. You want someone who is single, doesn't have the ex, doesn't have kids, wants to get married and wants to have children. Why? Because, you want someone baggage free who wants to get married and have children. So yes. You need to end it with your 7 year boyfriend. He's not fulfilling you mind, body and soul...which means, he's not your soulmate and if you stay with him, you are settling. Now, for your fears of dating a string of losers...tough. Welcome to the world of dating. It's hit or miss. It's the journey to find the one...and I'm hoping the prize is worth it. Unless you take a chance, you'll never know. I don't know why you're so negative and insecure thinking you won't meet any nice guys after this one. There are plenty of great guys out there...and you're only 33. That's young. So live it up and enjoy, because when you get into your 40's...all the good ones are taken.
Author angelofdarkness Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 I've had a string of guys that were jerks before I met my current boyfriend. The good ones that I met just didn't love me back. When I met my bf he was jaded, of course, and I pursued him (for fun, at first, then fell in love). And he is one of the, if not, the greatest guy I've ever met. I fear I won't find that again. People tell me, 'of course' there's no way you'll find a clone of your ex. It's just not possible. I do fear that once I'm 36/37 and I want to have a child he'll just say 'now's not the right time' and then by the time I'm 42 and need fertility treatments he certainly won't participate. Everyone who meets him think he's great and then question why I want to leave. They say the kids will get older, they'll start their own lives, but they'll always be there. And then they're going to have kids. People joke I'll be a grandmother before becoming a mom. I've taught my step-daughter to drive, worked on her resumé with her, and filled out college application forms. She dropped out of her classes because they were too hard. The 23 yr old son wants me to help him with his resumé, but he just applied to GameStop. You'd think at 23 he'd strive for more. Maybe I should wait it out? He loves me very much. I love him too. Maybe I should compromise? But if I do will I resent him as the years go by?
Ruby65 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 YES -- by all means, end this relationship!! If after 7 years you have this type of detached attitude towards his kids, you're not cut out for parenting. Your bf sounds like a great dad and a real catch and he deserves a woman who will love his kids like they were her own.
darkmoon Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 don't end it, just say you are travelling, you wrote that you want him as a father, and really in spite of optimism in this thread that there are lots of suitable men, compatibilty with all of them is not likely, just look around you in life, ppl get dumped
Author angelofdarkness Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 I think a woman - who herself is a mother - would love his children as if they were her own. But he doesn't want to date a mother because of all the baggage that comes with it. He likes motherless girls like me. I plan on travelling abroad to teach English for a year. It seems like the way to go to be able to break free from this relationship and move on. I don't think I could handle all the memories from staying in this city. A completely new world seems like the best option. See, this is my fear, yes people get dumped all the time. What if I'm not compatible with the next guy, or the next, or the next, or the next? I've already done 7 years with him and I do love him. But in 7 years we've done nothing. There's been no progression: no marriage, no moving in, no shared property. I don't know if its because of me or because of him. He's said he doesn't want to get married or have anymore kids. He'll only do it for me, and just one child. But he's already 43 and I don't know if he'll want another child at 46/47.... Grrr, this is a hard choice.
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