AvaMurray Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I am 22 years old black girl and I met a white guy who is from a upper middle class suburban background. We've been dating for three months. I not from the best neighborhood. I am from an area that has a lot of crime and poverty. I lied and told him I was from a suburban area out of town. I feel so guilty. I was worried about what he would think and his friends and family would if he dated a black girl from a poor, tough area. I face discrimination already because of my race and didn't want additional pressure because of my working class background. Eventually he is going to discover where I really come from when he meets my family. I am just not sure if he is going to be accepting of it or if this will work out for long. His family might look down on my race and background. What should I do? what would you do in this situation?
stillafool Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 You should tell him the truth. If he has a problem with where you grew up then he is not the person for you. It is who you are now that counts. Don't ever be ashamed of your parents if they were good to you. 2
GirlontheLam Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 You should tell him the truth. If he has a problem with where you grew up then he is not the person for you. It is who you are now that counts. Don't ever be ashamed of your parents if they were good to you. I agree whole-heartedly with this advice.
Author AvaMurray Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 You should tell him the truth. If he has a problem with where you grew up then he is not the person for you. It is who you are now that counts. Don't ever be ashamed of your parents if they were good to you. I am concerned if he would feel comfortable being around my family, and visiting a black working class neighborhood. There are not many white people who visit the area
Ruby Slippers Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I kind of know how you feel. I'm dating a guy from a good family that I suspect is well-to-do, and my family was poor for most of my childhood. I'm slowly revealing what my upbringing was like, and he is not being judgmental - but I do sometimes worry that he will think I'm beneath him because of my background and decide to stop seeing me because of it. I saw my family recently and talked to one of my sisters about this. And she said that if he doesn't accept me for who I am, I don't need him. She said I'm a great person, and all that strife was part of what made me who I am. She said, "All that produced someone amazing, baby!" She has a point You need to be honest about who you are and where you come from. Tell him you lied, explain why HONESTLY, and tell him the truth. If he cares about you, he'll understand and forgive.
8mia8 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I am concerned if he would feel comfortable being around my family, and visiting a black working class neighborhood. There are not many white people who visit the area If he isn't comfortable, then he's isn't right for you. That said, you did lie and if you felt you had to do that, I'm not sure you're right for each other in the first place.
stillafool Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I am concerned if he would feel comfortable being around my family, and visiting a black working class neighborhood. There are not many white people who visit the area He will be as comfortable as you will be visiting his parents. Everyone is nervous about meeting their lovers parents and it has nothing to do with where they live. I'm sure your parents will do everything possible to make him feel comfortable as will his for you. You need to open up and be truthful with him how you fee. He will love you more for it.
musemaj11 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Men care a lot less about a womans economic and social status. This is something you need to worry about if you were a guy. 1
Author AvaMurray Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 No big deal if you are dating him casually. If he is your formal BF then you must tell. It seems you are serious about this guy. Is he equally serious? Yes, it seems that way. Its more than just sex
Author AvaMurray Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 OK I don't see a problem. What is the big deal if you are black and live in a black neighborhood? Furthermore, he must not be a racist. Just tell him! He may like you even more if you are from the other end of town. Men love to rescue women. Well, the real problem is that its a pretty bad area...it doesn't have a good reputation at all. I recently had a person discriminate against me when I told them the city I grew up in...my family still lives there, and I see them on break. I just didn't want to be seen as 'ghetto' or a 'hoodrat'.
Follower Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 it really worries me you think that way about how he will precieve this information. You should never be ashamed of where you came from its where your going thats really important and a little of how you got there. Be proud that you are lifting yourself out of what sounds like squaler and doing something worth while. Sounds to me like your a smart motivated caring young lady, put some of that awsome sauce on and live your dreams, dont worry about what narrow minded fools might or do think about where you came from. If they aint happy with you at your worst they certainly dont deserve you at your best darling! 1
Big Blue Box Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I kind of know how you feel. I'm dating a guy from a good family that I suspect is well-to-do, and my family was poor for most of my childhood. I'm slowly revealing what my upbringing was like, and he is not being judgmental - but I do sometimes worry that he will think I'm beneath him because of my background and decide to stop seeing me because of it. I saw my family recently and talked to one of my sisters about this. And she said that if he doesn't accept me for who I am, I don't need him. She said I'm a great person, and all that strife was part of what made me who I am. She said, "All that produced someone amazing, baby!" She has a point If he is a great guy he will accept you regardless of how rich or poor your family was. Since he has accepted you even after letting him know about your upbringing I imagine he is so there is no need to worry about anything just yet.
Radu Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 If you come from from a bad neighborhood and do not act the part this guy will worship you. Not all folks from the wrong side of the tracks fit the stereotype. Work hard on yourself and show him who you are. The background is often influential, but not always. You need to speak now! You cannot control how he views you or your background. He either accepts it or does not accept it. But keeping the background tucked away [understandably in this case], removes the option of decision from him. In some ways it can be viewed as selfish, and he might have a small problem with the fact that you lied about it. Considering you have been dating for 3months though, i doubt it will be a big deal. Do your respective families know that your relationship is interracial ? PS: The Lovings had a somewhat happy ending.
Greznog Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 OP you're in luck. Most men don't give a single damn about your money or if you grew up poor. Just tell him and explain why you lied, it probably won't be much of an issue and if it is it'll likely be because of the lying in itself, not the fact that you grew up in an undesirable area.
carhill Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 What should I do? what would you do in this situation? After three months, if you and he are serious about your relationship, IMO it's time to nip it in the bud and for him to meet your parents. He can process your prior deception any way he chooses to and will see your parents and they him authentically. If this proves to be a deal-breaker, it does. The sooner the deception ends, the sooner each party can resolve the issue and stay together or move on as they see fit. If his mind is closed to your familial 'location' being irrelevant to the type/quality of people they/you are, then it is. It's outside of your control, as is your family history/location. It is what it is. 1
GirlontheLam Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I will add something: If OP comes from a low socioeconomic background she may have certain unsavory behaviors that she probably see as normal. These are the so-called MEMES which are very difficult to avoid. It is possible her BF will try to explain her personality based on her background and this can be an issue in the relationship Unfortunately MEMES are difficult to alter. However, I suspect the OP has done a great job. That is a totally ignorant statement right there.
Greznog Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 That is a totally ignorant statement right there. It's actually very accurate in a general sense. Many times you can easily tell in what kind of environment people were brought up by they way they talk, carry themselves and eat.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I am 22 years old black girl and I met a white guy who is from a upper middle class suburban background. We've been dating for three months. I not from the best neighborhood. I am from an area that has a lot of crime and poverty. I lied and told him I was from a suburban area out of town. I feel so guilty. I was worried about what he would think and his friends and family would if he dated a black girl from a poor, tough area. I face discrimination already because of my race and didn't want additional pressure because of my working class background. Eventually he is going to discover where I really come from when he meets my family. I am just not sure if he is going to be accepting of it or if this will work out for long. His family might look down on my race and background. What should I do? what would you do in this situation? Ava, just tell him what you told us. Don't just say, "I lied, I really come from location x". Tell him that you were afraid of what he would think of you and explain to him your former experiences with discrimination. Let him know that you knew it was wrong and now that you are more involved, there was nothing else to do but be truthful. Tell him you feel really vulnerable about this difference between you too and that naturally, you care for him a lot. This won't be an easy discussion for you but most reasonable mature people in relationships understand that no one is perfect and they are mature enough to accept their imperfections or they aren't. Usually when people sense sincerity from a person and a person acknowledges they made a mistake and the emotions behind why they did what they did, being completely vunerable and intimate about why they may had done someting, people are able to better relate and you will have more of a chance to make it right. It's when people make a mistake, and they only half way acknowledge what they did, even if they simply say "sorry, I lied" but don't get into the deeper facets of their personality or experiences that caused them to lie that can make it harder for the other person to understand. If you make yourself vunerable and raw and bare yourself here, you have a better chance of him responding in kind...that is if he's a decent guy. I hope that makes sense. Let us know how it goes?
GirlontheLam Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 It's actually very accurate in a general sense. Many times you can easily tell in what kind of environment people were brought up by they way they talk, carry themselves and eat. It just tells you what their parents valued. I have met plenty of middle class people who missed the boat on etiquette and poorer people with more finesse.
Greznog Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 It just tells you what their parents valued. I have met plenty of middle class people who missed the boat on etiquette and poorer people with more finesse. Good thing nobody said it was universally true then, hm?
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