For any Guilty Cheaters. READ IF YOU CHEAT OR NOT. All opinions are welcome.

[aanderson088]

Hi everyone. I'm a guilty cheater. I broke someone's heart and lost the best relationship I may have ever had. "If it's the best relationship you ever had, why did you cheat?" you may ask. Well, because I was a selfish, self-destructive, self-absorbed, manipulative prick. I have been made those things through certain events and influences, but that does NOT make me a victim.

 

Over the last few days I've been crying, and hurting, and wishing I could take back every evil thing I've done and start over with the girl I hurt. She's trying to move on and has since, begun seeing someone else. This hurt, but what can you expect? You step on someone enough times, they're bound to just get up and walk away. Good for her for doing that. It takes a strong person to walk away, but I think it takes a stronger person to come back and take a beating the way she did (emotionally, I never hit her). I admire and respect her strength and commitment and resilience and her efforts were incredible.

 

Because I've only RECENTLY realized (in the last two hours, I didn't cry this morning) that I'm not really a selfish, self-destructive, self-absorbed, manipulative prick, I hurt her a lot out of subconscious punishment (for myself) for the things I had done prior to meeting her and for not changing my ways, like I should have while I was with her. She is hopefully in a better place because she is without me.

 

In any case, letting go of guilt is NOT the same as telling yourself you aren't guilty. Try to remember that. Guilt is a tool for healing, don't use it as a weapon, just to further hurt yourself. Remember the look on your love's face when they learned you were a POS? Yea, hold on to that. You never want to see that again, so make sure you DON'T. Stay loyal, stay honest, stay mature, stay real, stay fair, stay patient, stay reliable, and most of all stay faithful.

 

Your actions were horrible. Live with them. They do not define you. They help mold you in to the awesome person that you were when you used to talk s*** on cheaters (oh yes, I did to a great extent). Look forward to when you'll be human again. Know in your heart that you're sorry and be willing to admit it but don't let your remorse consume you.

 

Leave your ex alone. Begging and pleading and saying you're sorry will only piss them off. They won't believe you. Give them what they deserve and f*** off. They might come back, or they might not (the "might not" is FAR more likely). Who knows? What you need to do is work on forgiving yourself. You can do that. You need to. Your desperate and pathetic attempts to get them to just listen to you will only hurt your cause.

 

How did I forgive myself? Honestly, I can't say I have completely, yet. I do know what has made me feel so G.d. good this morning was because I helped people last night. I used my lessons that I received from this relationship and relayed them to others that I knew needed help. I don't know if I helped or not. That's not important. What is important is accepting your faults and using them for good.

 

I pray every night now too. Honestly, God is giving me the strength to leave her alone and to forgive myself. Try praying, even if you don't think you mean it. Talking to Him helps.

 

Good luck in healing guys. If you aren't a cheater then GOOD FOR YOU. Honestly. We cheaters may be the lowest of the low, but at least not all of us continue to do so. I know there is a phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I will not allow that of myself. It's a pathetic excuse for a weaker person to continue to be a weaker person.

 

I love my ex, and if she had the grace in her heart to give me another shot, I'd be posting things on here about love and kids and marriage in a year or two. She is an amazing person and deserves to find someone that will treat her as such. I F***ED up my numerous opportunities. Now, I have to deal with my consequences. But this does not mean I have to live a sad, lonely life.

 

Forgive yourself and be happy again, guys. You can be a good person. You can not relive these mistakes. Your ex may never forgive you, but that doesn't mean you can't be the person they fell in love with in the first place.

I still have hope that she'll come back to me. I would love to finally be the man she thought I was. But, it probably will never happen and I need to accept and respect that.

 

Chin up guys. Use your guilt for good. Your wrongs do not define you. Help others learn from your mistakes and you'll feel better.

 

Good luck to everyone out there. Love is rough and it can be treacherous. But isn't it worth it, so absolutely, definitely, undoubtedly worth it?

Edited August 24, 2012 by aanderson088
Wanted to change the title

[Tallblueyed]

You didn't give your time frames, so this may be off base: but I wonder, has she forgiven you? You may not know (if there is NC); but if it hasn't been that long you might be getting a little ahead of yourself.

 

Although forgiving yourself is appropriate, there are several things that come before. As a BS I can tell you that I would be irate if my STBXWS started totting around saying she forgave herself (I am honestly working on still forgiving her).

 

Overall, I don't expect too many people here to be overly proud of your accomplishment of forgiving yourself - as most people here are on the betrayed end of an A.

 

Again, your time-frame is unknown, so I don't want to come across defensive. There is certainly opportunity for a WS to better themselves; I honestly hope my STBXWS can become a better person as a result of her indiscretions. BUT, if she beats me to the punch I will be very frustrated and angry (whether that is right or wrong of me - it is the truth).

 

Good luck. And as they say around here: Once a cheater, not always a cheater; twice a cheater, always a cheater.

[KathyM]

Unfortunately, a lot of people don't appreciate what they have until it's gone. They don't consider the unfairness to others when they decide to put their momentary desires in front of everything else. Cheating is an act of selfishness and entitlement--holding your SO hostage in the relationship while you secretly seek out relationships/flings with others. It's the most emotionally painful thing a relationship partner can go through, and causes serious damage to the betrayed partner's ability to trust others. We ARE defined by our actions, because our actions show where our priorities lie. Where our values are. We make choices in life based on our priorities and values, or lack of them. That is not to say that people can't change their priorities or values. They can at any time. They can tell themselves that's not the kind of person I want to be. And then they can change their behavior accordingly. I hope your desire to be a better, more authentic person, will prevent you from making the same mistakes in the future.

[aanderson088]

 

Good luck. And as they say around here: Once a cheater, not always a cheater; twice a cheater, always a cheater.

 

 

I have to disagree with this. My time frame is short. Very short. She has said she's forgiven me. Although I don't believe it's true. I don't want to come off as arrogant or rude. I just know that laying around in shame for what I've done is not the appropriate reaction.

 

I need to forgive myself so that I can be positive that this will not happen again. I've deleted Facebook and any other vehicle that might lead to temptation.

 

I know that this isn't changing the behavior and it's only removing the tools, but I'm tired of wasting my time with these influences in my life. I want to start caring for the people in my immediate circle and then from there I'll work on gaining more relationships.

 

I promised my ex that I would do that and my stupidity and selfishness struck me again and I didn't do it. I'm not doing it for her now. She doesn't know. At least I don't think she does. Either way, I feel better knowing that I'm stripping myself of all of these meaningless relationships with people and concentrating on those that love me and have been there for me. I've thought too often about things like "what is everyone going to think when my status changes again?", "will my old ex be mad?" Blah blah blah.

 

I was shallow and I was concerned too much about the people and things that didn't really matter in my life. It's time that I cut all that out and start repaying the people that do care for me, even though I've been such a douche for so long. They deserve it.

 

Ahead of myself, I might be. It's been a couple of months since she found out and I've been battling this guilt since January this year. I'm still very sorry for what I've done and I know that her pain is still there. I'll be infinitely understanding and patient of that. I can't expect her to move on from it the way that I am trying to. After all, she's the victim and my crimes against her were truly disgusting. I know she left me because I didn't respect her efforts and pain before. I see it now though. I'm allowing myself this small victory so that I can honestly get past this and learn from it so I won't do it again.

 

I apologize for seeming inconsiderate to the people that have been cheated on. I am so sorry that someone did that to you. I really am. I wish I had a better way to say it because that feeling has got to be unbearable.

 

I am glad you shot me off of my cloud a little bit. My happiness is unfair to her. I appreciate you doing that. The same way I did with my family last night, I would use this prosperous attitude to help her get through this with me. I was still bitter and felt guilty, so I turned her questions and suspicions on her and made her feel stupid and inadequate. I would never allow myself to do that again. She deserved patience and humility from me. I want to grovel and apologize and beg and plead still. Those urges are really difficult to fight.

 

I know that she wants to be left alone, otherwise I would be kissing the very ground she walks on.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I offended you, that wasn't my intention. You're right, I should tone down my celebratory demeanor. If she saw this or knew about my happy-go-lucky, carefree attitude, she would be upset.

 

In her eyes, I'll happily be guilty until she says otherwise. In mine, I want to feel like I'm forgiven so I can try to do better for everyone I love.

[Tallblueyed]

I apologize for seeming inconsiderate to the people that have been cheated on. I am so sorry that someone did that to you. I really am. I wish I had a better way to say it because that feeling has got to be unbearable.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I offended you, that wasn't my intention. You're right, I should tone down my celebratory demeanor. If she saw this or knew about my happy-go-lucky, carefree attitude, she would be upset.

 

No apologies necessary. You are speaking your mind, and it is not my intention to be combative.

 

Only you know the true depth of your situation, and forgiving yourself is important.

 

I can only offer my perspective, as prejudice as it might be. As a BS in a 14 year relationship, I can tell you that my road to recovery is going to be long (years). If her road is significantly shorter than mine I would call bull***** and say she is short-sighting the true process.

 

However, I am not going to allow her the satisfaction of calling her out on anything - she can (and most likely will) take the short cut: jump into another relationship, forget the pain and devastation she left in her wake, pretend that I have healed, and try to pull the 'we can at least be friends' card.

 

Don't underestimate how difficult it is to be a BS. You will be the absolute last person on the face of the earth that will get an admission of pain. If you asked my STBX, she would tell you that I have no emotion, do not care about anything she is going through, and has not given her a second thought. Truth is that I am tormented to absolute tears every single day; and as much as I want to show her what she has done, it only reveals my vulnerabilities. She does not contain any tools necessory for my healing - she caused the damage and I will use any other resource in the world to heal other than her.

 

If your X wants NC, give it to her. As much as you may want to be a part of her healing, you cannot be. If she comes back to you, on any level, then be understanding, show (true) remorse (not guilt), and answer any questions honestly. (I cannot tell you how important it is to answer her questions honestly - if/when she asks them).

[BewitchedandBothered]

Things happen; don't be hard on yourself if you cheated and realized it was a mistake. We are human. Humans make mistakes. The person who was cheated on is not always the innocent--there was a reason which drove the other person to cheat; what were they doing/not doing in this relationship. The cheater didn't get to that place alone; there had to have been neglect on the other person's part.

 

Just know that, when/if you do realize in your heart of hearts it was a mistake and you are sincerely sorry; know it won't happen again, the other person may not trust you, or it will take a long while for trust to rebuild.

 

Do soul searching to find out what drove you away from the person you were with, and what made you want to come back.

 

Above all, forgive yourself. Life is too short.

[Tallblueyed]

The person who was cheated on is not always the innocent--there was a reason which drove the other person to cheat; what were they doing/not doing in this relationship. The cheater didn't get to that place alone; there had to have been neglect on the other person's part.

This is a very bold and broad statement. I am not one to be argumentative, but there is never a reason to cheat.

 

Reason to leave? Yes. Reason to cheat? N-E-V-E-R, E-V-E-R

 

In the most horrible of horrible marriages, the worst of the worst, a spouse will never be justified in cheating. Using excuses and lame reasons are a cowards way out of taking responsibility for being too weak to leave before sleeping with someone else.

[BewitchedandBothered]

This is a very bold and broad statement. I am not one to be argumentative, but there is never a reason to cheat.

 

Reason to leave? Yes. Reason to cheat? N-E-V-E-R, E-V-E-R

 

In the most horrible of horrible marriages, the worst of the worst, a spouse will never be justified in cheating. Using excuses and lame reasons are a cowards way out of taking responsibility for being too weak to leave before sleeping with someone else.

 

That's just it, though; it's a weakness. Some don't want to hurt their partner. Some find it hard to just get out; one size doesn't fit all; everyone has their reasons. Can't get too preachy about it and you never know what a person is going through in their situation. Too many people judge/sit on the ol' high horse and say "it's WRONG!!!". People do what feels right for them, find out it was wrong for them and deal with consequences. There ARE reasons for everything.

[Tallblueyed]

That's just it, though; it's a weakness. Some don't want to hurt their partner. Some find it hard to just get out; one size doesn't fit all; everyone has their reasons. Can't get too preachy about it and you never know what a person is going through in their situation. Too many people judge/sit on the ol' high horse and say "it's WRONG!!!". People do what feels right for them, find out it was wrong for them and deal with consequences. There ARE reasons for everything.

 

Paint me a hypothetical situation that would be not be "WRONG!!"?

 

I agree that there are situations where the sympathy for the BS is nill to none; but there are no mitigating situations that absolve the WS from being wrong. I don't expect you want to argue differently; as you have agreed it is a 'weakness' - but weak or not, it is wrong to cheat, period.*

 

*two wrongs never equal right

[aanderson088]

I agree with you to a point Bewitched. In this case... We shared some differences. The decisions I made had absolutely nothing to do with her. She has only ever been loving and attentive. Honestly. That's where the guilt comes from. Because I should have reciprocated that. My indiscretions came from me and only me. I have realized that and I'm trying to move on.

 

Tallblueeyed, if she comes back, I plan on doing EXACTLY that. I didn't show her that respect before and that was my mistake. We were trying to rebuild the relationship after she knew I cheated and I was being too impatient with her and didn't appreciate the gravity of her efforts and show her that they weren't in vain.

 

I became selfish and stupid and I screwed it up. I'm just trying to think "This is a break-up. The relationship is over. You were an ********* this time. Don't do it again to the next person."

 

Like I said, if she comes back, I'm all her's. But until then, I'm adopting the idea that she isn't and I'm acting accordingly.

[InAFog]

She does not contain any tools necessory for my healing - she caused the damage and I will use any other resource in the world to heal other than her.

 

 

Well said!

[BewitchedandBothered]

Paint me a hypothetical situation that would be not be "WRONG!!"?

 

I agree that there are situations where the sympathy for the BS is nill to none; but there are no mitigating situations that absolve the WS from being wrong. I don't expect you want to argue differently; as you have agreed it is a 'weakness' - but weak or not, it is wrong to cheat, period.*

 

*two wrongs never equal right

 

I just don't like seeing people judged or condemned for human error. If you set out to hurt someone and it was all intentional, that's a different story. But it's not for me to tell someone what they did was wrong-I am not in their daily lives. Not one person goes through life without major screwups here and there; the important thing is if the person learns from it and matures from it. Let's agree to disagree.