Counselor thoughts

[Gaprofitt]

Hi,

 

Since my wife left I have been attending two counselors who have helped me greatly, mainly with self improvement and understanding things. Yesterday she told me she is seeing me making more positive decisions and changing my behavior and how I approach and think about people in general. I told her people at work had commented too about my attitude toward them in a positive way. She went on to say that she felt if my wife gave me another chance things would be drastically different with my behavior but I should not hold out hope for her as I have no control over that. My wife has been bitterly mean and cruel during the divorce and has given me no hope at all for reconciliation. I'm not going to lie and say I don't hold out some level of hope. We have an 11 month old son I love dearly as well as my wife, I have a true passion for understanding what I did wrong and I'm going about making myself a better person for it. I know I can't sit around and hold out hope but i'm struggling with the confidence my counselor is giving me regarding my progression for 1.5 months of counseling.

 

I truly don't want to lose my wife and family although she is bitterly cold about wanting no part of me. Most of it resolves around saying really hurtful things in arguments I feel. I have learned to control my emotions better, to become a better listener and think before I speak. I have learned strategies when upset/angry to take a timeout approach before saying or doing something I might regret. This is all a work in progress but I'm so proud of myself.

 

How do I get beyond not getting a chance even though the reality is I can and would continue counseling and could eliminately stop some of the stupid things I did which lead to my wife departing. Her coldness and bitterness toward me is very hard to take, i've known her since 1999, Married in 2003.

 

I've learned one can't control the actions of others for sure, I know it's ulimately her decision to finalize the divorce. I'd give anything to correct my mistakes for our family and i'm very serious about doing so.

 

I don't want a future girlfriend/wife to get what my wife truly deserves. I am also a great dad and want to be a full time dad not a joint custody dad.

 

I tell myself nightly the things she has done to hurt me to try and get over it, keeping my son from me, keeping information about my son from me, telling people i'm crazy, cursing at my in-laws, calling the police at my house and acting like a total fool. She has turned into a different person during this time. I seriously worry what she is being told by others. I understand everyone is piling on which I think is making her angry. I have been nothing but sweet to her during this departure, taking her clothes and items she needed, giving her our sons crib, changing table and virtually all his items she took. I bought a new crib, changing table and toys for him. She tried to get me to have no visitation also which was heartbreaking, I stayed up for 3 days straight because of that. I am a super super dad, I mean just an awesome parent. I don't get why she is trying to hurt me so much, I love her and would do anything for her including stopping what I was doing which contributed to her leaving.

 

Thanks for any kind words, I would kill for her to read this, again she put on a no contact agreement so we can't talk. That was partly my fault for sure, I just lost it when she left, I was emotionally devastated and did the typical begging, pleading, etc. Now that I can think clearly we can save our marriage if she would just calm down and think about my committment, i'm not some tool who acknowledges I have no issues. I am working on them and becoming a better man for myself and hopefully our family.

 

Sorry this got so long, any insight or advice is great. The counselor yesterday just really got me thinking about things and my wife being so angry to realize she has a husband who wants to completely do right for our family.. I know I would too.

 

Greg

Edited August 24, 2012 by Gaprofitt

[hinatticus]

My ex was crazy cold and bitter and resentful after our split. Our son was only a year and a half at the time so I know how you feel. It's been 6 months for me and she has calmed down a lot. All I know is, whatever you say or do to her now does not matter. She needs to calm down on her own. Just keep working on you man.

 

My counselor gives me hope as well. She(my counselor) says I've made huge changes in my behavior as well. But it will take a lot of time for my ex to see those changes as permanent. My counselor says it could take up to two years for her resentment to fade. In the meantime all I can do is continue working on myself and the rest will follow. Whatever the outcome you and I will be better men.

 

Just remember, your ex owes you nothing and whatever garbage she throws at you, take it on the chin like a champ! It's hard but I'm getting pretty good at it. We're on very amicable terms right now so there is still hope left.

 

How long have you been separated? It took my ex atleast 4 months to let some of the resentment slide.

 

Good luck.

[Gaprofitt]

My ex was crazy cold and bitter and resentful after our split. Our son was only a year and a half at the time so I know how you feel. It's been 6 months for me and she has calmed down a lot. All I know is, whatever you say or do to her now does not matter. She needs to calm down on her own. Just keep working on you man.

 

My counselor gives me hope as well. She(my counselor) says I've made huge changes in my behavior as well. But it will take a lot of time for my ex to see those changes as permanent. My counselor says it could take up to two years for her resentment to fade. In the meantime all I can do is continue working on myself and the rest will follow. Whatever the outcome you and I will be better men.

 

Just remember, your ex owes you nothing and whatever garbage she throws at you, take it on the chin like a champ! It's hard but I'm getting pretty good at it. We're on very amicable terms right now so there is still hope left.

 

How long have you been separated? It took my ex atleast 4 months to let some of the resentment slide.

 

Good luck.

 

She left July 1st. It feels like 2 years ago. I tend to think she realizes she did some stuff wrong too, but she is only thinking about her and our son at the moment. I am thinking about myself, her and our family. It's like she transformed into this I only care about myself person. I even offered to pay for an apartment for her if she would just hold off for a bit. I don't want her to have regrets or realize later what could have been.

 

Greg

Edited August 24, 2012 by Gaprofitt

[Tallblueyed]

She left July 1st.

Time is cruel, isn't it.

 

Our timeframes are identical and it feels like it has been at least a year.

 

Last week I bought a Delorean and am working on installing a Flux Capacitor, I will give you good wishes from the future my brotha, I'm outta' here!

 

I will echo hinatticus, you just have to keep working on yourself - she is bound to see it on her own (when she is ready). You pointing it out will not have the same impact; hold out and get the maximum results from your hard work (let her see it, not hear about it from you).

 

Stay strong.

[KathyM]

All the promises in the world don't really make up for the actions that came before. Your actions/words during the time you were together is the only legitimate thing you wife has to go on right now, and from that, she has decided she doesn't want to be a part of that anymore. Your good intentions now, and your strong desire to change now will make you a better man if you learn from your mistakes and what went wrong in your relationship, but unfortunately, your wife can really only base her opinion on your past behavior. You really haven't been in a position to demonstrate anything else at this point. The little bit of insight or change in attitude that may have occurred since the breakup six weeks ago really is just a drop in the bucket, and your wife is probably not going to think a whole lot will have changed in that amount of time. You've asked her to hold off on the divorce, you've shown her that you are working on your issues. That's really all you can do. The ball is in her court now, and it sounds like she is determined to go through with the divorce. I'm sorry. Just keep working on yourself and don't pressure her. Keep in contact with her so she has the opportunity to see that you have changed. That's all you can do.

[Gaprofitt]

All the promises in the world don't really make up for the actions that came before. Your actions/words during the time you were together is the only legitimate thing you wife has to go on right now, and from that, she has decided she doesn't want to be a part of that anymore. Your good intentions now, and your strong desire to change now will make you a better man if you learn from your mistakes and what went wrong in your relationship, but unfortunately, your wife can really only base her opinion on your past behavior. You really haven't been in a position to demonstrate anything else at this point. The little bit of insight or change in attitude that may have occurred since the breakup six weeks ago really is just a drop in the bucket, and your wife is probably not going to think a whole lot will have changed in that amount of time. You've asked her to hold off on the divorce, you've shown her that you are working on your issues. That's really all you can do. The ball is in her court now, and it sounds like she is determined to go through with the divorce. I'm sorry. Just keep working on yourself and don't pressure her. Keep in contact with her so she has the opportunity to see that you have changed. That's all you can do.

 

 

Very well put. When I think back I honestly believe things wouldn't have changed unless she did leave. I had so much resentment toward her and I'm sure she had the same toward me. It was like a ticking time bomb. I never realized so much until she left. I understand I can only work on me for sure, which I have been doing greatly. She is probably also only focusing on the bad times and not the good times. The sad part is a lot of the issues is a simple adjustment or understanding her needs and putting her needs first. That's how

I define love now. Love is when someone elses needs become your own. I think it's that simple. I didn't live by that before. I will now. I feel so good about ditching some of my bad behavior, I understand she may not trust me or give me an opportunity to show her.. That is soo hard. I feel like this wakeup call has changed my values and all kinds of stuff, 23 counseling visits will make you rethink a lot of stuff. My son is visiting tommorow, im beyond excited about it.

 

Greg

[Tallblueyed]

Love is when someone else's needs become your own.

 

I agree with this 100%. But the key ingredient is trust.

 

I lived by your statement for 14 years, and now I feel like I am going to die from the pain and devastation after her indiscretions.