Why can't I just deal with it and be happy in my relationship?

[BlaBlaBlaBla]

Hey. Here's my story. I recently turned 24 years of age and my girlfriend is 32. We love each other very much. Honestly and sincerly, we do. However, it just doesn't work. Just doesn't. And it's mostly because I feel ****ty about some stuff. Here's a little background. When we hooked up over a year ago, we didn't think it would lead anywhere, we thought it was just a casual fling. However we connected on so many levels, fell so much in love and just got crazy about each other and we still are. I cary deeply for her and she cares deeply for me. I don't wanna lose her from my life. I care deeply for her, even if we split up..I still wanna be there for her to help her with anything she needs. If it doesn't work out with me..

I hope she's happy and finds the best person in the world for her..I mean..I really love her..and she loves me.

 

So why I feel ****ty you ask?

 

Well, it's mostly her past. And the results of her past. And how her past compares to mine. Makes me feel inferior, inadequate, angry, likes it's unfair to me, like it's just impossible to enjoy her, like it's all wrong.

Basically, she wasn't single for one period of her life since 15. She got married at 18. Was married until last year. Had another few relationships afterwards. Has a child from her marriage and that's another thing, too. It's somewhat life altering and I adjust my entire life around other people's schedules but for the real thing, you gotta be willing to sacrifice, right?

At first when we hooked up she would tell me about her rich sex life and how she was nearly addicted to sex and stuff like that. Let's just say it all left trace.

In comparison I had a few meaningless one night stands, some I don't even remember honestly and friends with benefits phase that didn't last long.

 

Now, she loves me. I know that. She loves me more than her ex husband and anyone she's been with. I feel that love all the time. It's there. She's trying really hard to make it okay and acceptable for me. I can't say anything against her. Yeah, she has a past but it's all normal, she's not the one to blame, it's just that I can't cope with all that, feel inadequate and have no confidence whatsoever at times, poor self image ect.

It's almost like...I can explain it to myself rationally...but it's like I can't digest it emotionally...like it just doesn't fit on an instincual level. I know love comes in all shapes and forms but it's like...she's my love yet she's got all of that with someone else? She's got all that sexual experience and stuff, and I just feel lousy. I know all her stuff is normal but I still don't cope. Is that normal?

 

Anyway, I'm the problem here. I get it. I also get it that the situation isn't most conventional and maybe it's normal I feel the way I do. Do you think there's any way this can work? Am I just doing it all to myself? Or is it some higher knowledge that is above me and it comes in an instincual form telling me there's a reason why I can't accept all of that?

She feels ****ty she can't change the past. I don't personally think there's anything wrong with her past or anything wrong that she's done. It's just that I find it hard to be with her cuz I obsess over it and feel bad about it, almost insulted which I know I shouldn't be but again...many things here I know I shouldn't feel, yet I do...it's just not rational of me..or is it?

 

I really wanna save the relationship and feel good with her....so if anything, I'd like for your advices to be aimed that way. She will also read this post and she's a bit sensitive to criticism so be gentle please Thx in advance. guess this is sort of a desperation thing, before counseling and stuff, we wanna try this out as well. Maybe someone here can give a good analysis and perhaps an advice or two. Am I just stupid and childish? Still immature for someone in her situation? Is it normal I feel the way I do? I mean, I get that her situation isn't ideal for someone my age but she is an amazing person. Hopefully I get some good tips here. Thx a lot everyone.

[Emilia]

Was married until last year. Had another few relationships afterwards.

 

Just some clarification on this please. When did you get together?

[BlaBlaBlaBla]

Just some clarification on this please. When did you get together?

 

Little over a year ago. She was still married but at that point it was only a paper marriage. It was like that even a year before me, she was in other relationships at the time. The whole divorce thing just dragged on for too long but it was merely a matter of formality. It wasn't like she cheated on anyone at any point, she's very very faithful.

[Emilia]

So what does the 'had another few relationships afterwards' mean? While she was with you?

[BlaBlaBlaBla]

So what does the 'had another few relationships afterwards' mean? While she was with you?

 

After her marriage really ended, not formally. After the husband picked up his stuff. In that period she would go from one relationship into the other.

Why is all of this relevant?

[Emilia]

Because I'm trying to work out why you don't trust her

[BlaBlaBlaBla]

I do trust her. Never mentioned trust as an issue. And I see myself as a problem in all of this.

Edited August 24, 2012 by BlaBlaBlaBla

[Emilia]

Well, it's mostly her past. And the results of her past. And how her past compares to mine. Makes me feel inferior, inadequate, angry, likes it's unfair to me, like it's just impossible to enjoy her, like it's all wrong.

Basically, she wasn't single for one period of her life since 15. She got married at 18. Was married until last year. Had another few relationships afterwards. Has a child from her marriage and that's another thing, too. It's somewhat life altering and I adjust my entire life around other people's schedules but for the real thing, you gotta be willing to sacrifice, right?

At first when we hooked up she would tell me about her rich sex life and how she was nearly addicted to sex and stuff like that. Let's just say it all left trace.

In comparison I had a few meaningless one night stands, some I don't even remember honestly and friends with benefits phase that didn't last long.

 

Now, she loves me. I know that. She loves me more than her ex husband and anyone she's been with. I feel that love all the time. It's there. She's trying really hard to make it okay and acceptable for me. I can't say anything against her. Yeah, she has a past but it's all normal, she's not the one to blame, it's just that I can't cope with all that, feel inadequate and have no confidence whatsoever at times, poor self image ect.

It's almost like...I can explain it to myself rationally...but it's like I can't digest it emotionally...like it just doesn't fit on an instincual level. I know love comes in all shapes and forms but it's like...she's my love yet she's got all of that with someone else? She's got all that sexual experience and stuff, and I just feel lousy. I know all her stuff is normal but I still don't cope. Is that normal?

 

.

 

You are suffering from retroactive jealousy. You are jealous of her past because she f****d around a fair bit. You are insecure and jealous because you don't trust her.

[Emilia]

I suppose it's also possible that you are feeling left out because she has had all these experiences and you haven't. That's normal. Everyone feels left out when it seems others had a great time

[BlaBlaBlaBla]

You are suffering from retroactive jealousy. You are jealous of her past because she f****d around a fair bit. You are insecure and jealous because you don't trust her.

 

Heh, I get that too. Stumbled upon the whole retroactive jealousy diagnosis. Even the OCD part which is scary. But I found it matches a lot of my stuff.

Anyway to help all of that? I get it's all irrational. I get she didn't do any of that stuff TO ME. Yet still...it sucks. Great person and everything...but just having difficulty coping. It gets really messed up in my head. I know I'm to blame, just can't figure out how to let it go and be happy with the person that I'm with and have great opinion of.

P.S I wouldn't say she ****ed around a fair bit...makes her look slutty. She's not slutty. She didn't have many partners. Just wasn't ever alone in her entire adult life. She always had sex. But not in a slutty way.

[Emilia]

I suppose what I don't understand is why you are blaming yourself so much here. Do you think that a woman who has had trouble to hold down relationships and is only 24 will stay with you? YOu don't think it's normal to feel uneasy about her past?

[BlaBlaBlaBla]

I suppose what I don't understand is why you are blaming yourself so much here. Do you think that a woman who has had trouble to hold down relationships and is only 24 will stay with you? YOu don't think it's normal to feel uneasy about her past?

 

I'm 24. She's 32. I blame myself because I'm being irrational. I get that it's normal to feel somewhat uneasy. But I do have the willingness to let it go, just struggle doing so. She didn't have trouble to hold down the relationship, her relationship with the guy she married lasted well over a decade. Other relationships were just the way I see it...fear of lonileness. That's why she was jumping from one relationship into other...and I think the fear of lonileness to such degree is somewhat normal for divorcees who only know that lifestyle and spend their entire adult life living like that. Then she met me...and it was the real love. That's how I see it.

 

About the feeling left out part...plays the role as well. Like I said, love does come in all shapes and forms, I get that from a rational standpoint. Instincually...it's kinda hard. It's the real thing..and she says I'm the love of her life...yet she built a marriage empire with someone else...not a fair situation IMO...where I, the love of her life...happen on the ruins of her previous life where she's been through all marriage milestones and then some...and yet there's also the longevity to boot.

[Emilia]

Oh sorry, I mixed your ages up from the start, that does make a big difference.

 

I think taking a kid on at your age is a big responsibility, clearly it's something you don't feel ready for yet.

 

I think men I dated who were much younger than me sometimes felt a bit .... left out? or inexperienced? compared to me. Some just calmed down, others never grew to like it.

 

Not everyone is cut out for age gap relationships for this reason.

 

Unfortunately I have to go right now

 

Though I have to say when she got married she didn't know you. Now that she is 32 she is MUCH more likely to know what she wants from life

[RiverRunning]

I had a serious case of retroactive jealousy. Every then and again I feel a twinge of jealousy, but there were things that needed to change - in my relationship and in myself.

 

Bragging about your past sexual exploits to your current partner is not okay (for the most part. Every then and again, you'll find people who are into that). Keeping pictures in obvious places is not a good idea (I even think that you should only keep pictures if you were married and have kids, but that's just me). And on and on - this is behavior that needs to be rectified. I would talk frankly with her if any of that is still carrying on. i.e., "I don't want to talk about your sexual past."

 

In my case, the RJ vanished when he: stopped talking about his ex, got rid of the numerous pictures he had of her, stopped talking to her, etc. My RJ largely stemmed from two things: a feeling of inadequacy (he's had so much more experience than me! Is it because I'm ugly? Am I unworthy?), which was my responsibility.

 

The other half of that, though, was legitimate jealousy: why is he unable to stop talking to her? Why does he get angry with me for making a very reasonable request? Is he going to leave me for her? Am I her 'replacement' since she lives far away?

 

I do not believe RJ must always and solely be the fault of the person suffering. Often, the partner is doing something to make an otherwise average jealousy/insecurity and makes it even worse by doing insensitive things.

 

Figure out your motivations for these feelings. Are you happy about your own life, OP? How's work, what are you doing to work on your self-esteem/body image, are you still in school? Finding things to work on can improve your sense of worth. It's also important to consider here that your girlfriend started dating constantly when she was very young and she has 8 years of life on you - on that level, it makes sense that she's had more experience than you do.

[BlaBlaBlaBla]

Oh sorry, I mixed your ages up from the start, that does make a big difference.

 

I think taking a kid on at your age is a big responsibility, clearly it's something you don't feel ready for yet.

 

I think men I dated who were much younger than me sometimes felt a bit .... left out? or inexperienced? compared to me. Some just calmed down, others never grew to like it.

 

Not everyone is cut out for age gap relationships for this reason.

 

Unfortunately I have to go right now

 

Though I have to say when she got married she didn't know you. Now that she is 32 she is MUCH more likely to know what she wants from life

 

Thanks for your time Emilia. Really appreciate it. Bolded part is what she also says.

[Hopeful30]

if youre not happy break up

 

easy

[TaraMaiden]

Blax4, have you considered personal counselling?

[BlaBlaBlaBla]

I had a serious case of retroactive jealousy. Every then and again I feel a twinge of jealousy, but there were things that needed to change - in my relationship and in myself.

 

Bragging about your past sexual exploits to your current partner is not okay (for the most part. Every then and again, you'll find people who are into that). Keeping pictures in obvious places is not a good idea (I even think that you should only keep pictures if you were married and have kids, but that's just me). And on and on - this is behavior that needs to be rectified. I would talk frankly with her if any of that is still carrying on. i.e., "I don't want to talk about your sexual past."

 

In my case, the RJ vanished when he: stopped talking about his ex, got rid of the numerous pictures he had of her, stopped talking to her, etc. My RJ largely stemmed from two things: a feeling of inadequacy (he's had so much more experience than me! Is it because I'm ugly? Am I unworthy?), which was my responsibility.

 

The other half of that, though, was legitimate jealousy: why is he unable to stop talking to her? Why does he get angry with me for making a very reasonable request? Is he going to leave me for her? Am I her 'replacement' since she lives far away?

 

I do not believe RJ must always and solely be the fault of the person suffering. Often, the partner is doing something to make an otherwise average jealousy/insecurity and makes it even worse by doing insensitive things.

 

Figure out your motivations for these feelings. Are you happy about your own life, OP? How's work, what are you doing to work on your self-esteem/body image, are you still in school? Finding things to work on can improve your sense of worth. It's also important to consider here that your girlfriend started dating constantly when she was very young and she has 8 years of life on you - on that level, it makes sense that she's had more experience than you do.

 

Being the Sherlock Holmes that I am, I did stumble upon some pictures (aside from her child's dad pics, that's understandable, hair pulling sometimes but that man will always be there in her life so it's understandable she keeps them, it's not for herself, it's the way it's gotta be) , I even was put in the situation where I shook hands of one of her ex's without even knowing it's him so yeah, there was some legitimate stuff to put it that way. Not her fault again but as I often tell her, nothing is ever her fault yet stuff keeps on happening.

But then again, I wasn't really always a darling myself. When it got really bad for me, I spoke about one of my so to speak, ex with a smile on my face, just to kinda have her feel the same for once. Relationship bitterness I guess.

 

Your point about low sense of worth is spot on. But that's another thing. With her having a child and all and the relationship also being long distance one, she's stuck where she is and I can't really get to the point of starting to fulfill myself and taking care of myself since I always travel to her and can't begin anything mine, I work everything around her. My life has become the relationship. Everything else put aside.

She's understanding of it and suggests we do move in together, she's willing to move to another place for me, but I'm reluctant because why make such a big step when I can't make peace with her? It's ridiculous how much I appreciate her and think highly of her yet I can't make peace with stuff that simply affects me too deeply and yet I do know there's nothing to fault her for. I feel like I'm in the emotional twighlight zone sometimes.

Great person and don't wanna lose her yet so many obstacles. What real life obstacles, what stuff in my head.

Edited August 24, 2012 by BlaBlaBlaBla

[TaraMaiden]

Er..... Hello.....?

 

Counselling? Therapy?

[BlaBlaBlaBla]

Er..... Hello.....?

 

Counselling? Therapy?

 

Er...someone skimmed through the opening post

I mentioned in the last paragraph that posting on the forum about it hoping to maybe get a quality advice is a desperation thing before counseling.

[TaraMaiden]

Er... OK... But I think this is a classic case for "as well as", not as a "final resort in case LS doesn't work".....

[Negative Nancy]

I'm sorry to hear about your emotional pain, you've come to a really great place though as this forum is always full of helpful people who give sound advice.

 

Since so many men have helped the women on here who struggle with a similar emotion-laden conflict and turmoil, namely porn, I would like to give some advise back in the same fashion men have dished out THEIR advise to struggling women:

 

Am I just stupid and childish? Still immature for someone in her situation? Is it normal I feel the way I do?

 

You're insecure and it's your problem, not hers. Get over it.

[TaraMaiden]

That's a really biased and sexist point of view. Not all men treat women that way.

Why 'lower' yourself to such base standards, when you know it's not a across-the-board view?

Really, Negative Nancy, that's what I call letting the side down.

jaded experiences make you bitter... and it shows.....

[BlaBlaBlaBla]

 

 

 

You're insecure and it's your problem, not hers. Get over it.

 

 

Geez, don't I know it. Thanks for pointing it out.

I know what the problem is, don't know what the solution is. Is there one? That's what I struggle with. And she struggles with me. I really feel sorry that I put her through all the stuff I do. She's a fantastic girl. She deserves better. But more often than not, when I don't feel well, she can't either. I bring her down to my level. She's great. I just don't know...maybe I'm not ready enough for her. Mature enough for her. Who knows. I just know she's great and would like to keep her in my life. I know what a great person she is. And I know how much discomfort things that happened before give me. How ****ty I feel. I would just like to look at her as the person she is and feel good with her. But I don 't know how. There's always this inferiority feeling, not fair feeling, this that...bunch of nonsense. I'm messed up. And can't solve it.

[Negative Nancy]

That's a really biased and sexist point of view. Not all men treat women that way.

Why 'lower' yourself to such base standards, when you know it's not a across-the-board view?

Really, Negative Nancy, that's what I call letting the side down.

jaded experiences make you bitter... and it shows.....

 

what, that is the exact response 99% of men always give the women on here who seriously struggle with their men getting off on other women. for some reason, though, I don't remember you chasing them with pitchforks the same way you're patronizing me