Drseussgrrl Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I've been lurking around for a few weeks and giving advice here and there but welp, it's my turn to wallow a bit. I dated a guy for three months over the summer, and it was wonderful. Everything clicked so well. We share the same group of friends. When we were together, we laughed til our sides would bust and the sex was off the charts. We never argued, and shared the same outlook in life on nearly everything. We truly enjoyed each other's company immensely. We were somewhat long-distance, about an hour and a half apart. Toward the end, of course my feelings were starting to intensify and I brought up the topic of exclusivity. Welp, he bolted. He's going through a divorce at the moment after being separated for a year and he says he's not done sowing his wild oats. This is the nitty gritty. I know that getting involved with him was probably a bad idea but sometimes when chemistry takes over all that stuff goes out the window. He really did make me feel special. It's been almost a month now and I've maintained strict NC since the day we broke things off, aside from congratulating him on the birth of his niece that he was over the moon about. He's "liked" a few things on my FB here and there. Honestly, it's getting harder as time goes on, and I'm not sure why. Some of my friends will be seeing him tomorrow for a surprise birthday party (I'll be out of town) and I guess I feel jealous that they still get to see him/talk to him, if that makes any sense. I'm not really looking for answers, I guess I'm just feeling hormonal and down about it at the moment and I miss him a LOT. I miss the laughter and being able to talk to him. And of course the intimacy. I have a few fun trips coming up, including one to Puerto Rico with my family. But it's hard to get excited when I feel kind of down a lot of days. Bleh.
weallfalldown Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 hmmmm.....wasn't it you, that had a fling whilst being with someone seriously?........i can't give advice to a backstabber.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 What? No. Where are you getting that?
weallfalldown Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 sorry...got my reading with another post all mixed up.....i'll get my coat AGAIN!
Tree_Salmon Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I've been lurking around for a few weeks and giving advice here and there but welp, it's my turn to wallow a bit. I dated a guy for three months over the summer, and it was wonderful. Everything clicked so well. We share the same group of friends. When we were together, we laughed til our sides would bust and the sex was off the charts. We never argued, and shared the same outlook in life on nearly everything. We truly enjoyed each other's company immensely. We were somewhat long-distance, about an hour and a half apart. Toward the end, of course my feelings were starting to intensify and I brought up the topic of exclusivity. Welp, he bolted. He's going through a divorce at the moment after being separated for a year and he says he's not done sowing his wild oats. This is the nitty gritty. I know that getting involved with him was probably a bad idea but sometimes when chemistry takes over all that stuff goes out the window. He really did make me feel special. It's been almost a month now and I've maintained strict NC since the day we broke things off, aside from congratulating him on the birth of his niece that he was over the moon about. He's "liked" a few things on my FB here and there. Honestly, it's getting harder as time goes on, and I'm not sure why. Some of my friends will be seeing him tomorrow for a surprise birthday party (I'll be out of town) and I guess I feel jealous that they still get to see him/talk to him, if that makes any sense. I'm not really looking for answers, I guess I'm just feeling hormonal and down about it at the moment and I miss him a LOT. I miss the laughter and being able to talk to him. And of course the intimacy. I have a few fun trips coming up, including one to Puerto Rico with my family. But it's hard to get excited when I feel kind of down a lot of days. Bleh. 3 months? c'mon let this go. You have way better things ahead. If it bothers you block him from all of your sites. It should be easier to move on after that short a time. Clearly it wasn't that good to end so quickly. The first year should be a honeymoon where everything is rainbows and sex.
weallfalldown Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 rainbows and sex. bring on the 60's..................acidddddddddddddddddddd
Author Drseussgrrl Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Tree Salmon, Thanks for your input. Frankly, it WAS that good. But he is non-committal. I didn't want to stay on the roller coaster of emotion that comes from dating an unavailable person. I realize that a lot of this might have something to do with my own emotional unavailability, so I've been dwelling on that a lot, too.
Brokendude Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) Hey u! Keep ur head up, its tough. But please kno u will be ok. I couldnt handle my break up any better and im doin so well in every aspect of my life but grieving is a part of it, there r times when i just wanna break down but its all about mindset. Grieving is very healthy and essential and i encourage even crying, but as long as ur proactively working on getting better ull be ok, we can be vulnerable but we MUST not choose to live in it. We control our emotions, if u tell urself ur having a tough time in any situation, thats exactly how ur body and ur nervous system will feel. Its all about physiology also, if ur down chances r ur body is drooping and everything about it is uncertain, simply start keeping ur head up, shoulders back, chest out and reassure urself and say w certainty that YOU ARE BIGGER THAN THIS MOMENT!!!! Coz believe it or not, you are. Keep the fight were here for u and keep ur head up and remember how ridiculously amazing u r!! Thats key Edited August 24, 2012 by Brokendude
youngnlove89 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I've been lurking around for a few weeks and giving advice here and there but welp, it's my turn to wallow a bit. I dated a guy for three months over the summer, and it was wonderful. Everything clicked so well. We share the same group of friends. When we were together, we laughed til our sides would bust and the sex was off the charts. We never argued, and shared the same outlook in life on nearly everything. We truly enjoyed each other's company immensely. We were somewhat long-distance, about an hour and a half apart. Toward the end, of course my feelings were starting to intensify and I brought up the topic of exclusivity. Welp, he bolted. He's going through a divorce at the moment after being separated for a year and he says he's not done sowing his wild oats. This is the nitty gritty. I know that getting involved with him was probably a bad idea but sometimes when chemistry takes over all that stuff goes out the window. He really did make me feel special. It's been almost a month now and I've maintained strict NC since the day we broke things off, aside from congratulating him on the birth of his niece that he was over the moon about. He's "liked" a few things on my FB here and there. Honestly, it's getting harder as time goes on, and I'm not sure why. Some of my friends will be seeing him tomorrow for a surprise birthday party (I'll be out of town) and I guess I feel jealous that they still get to see him/talk to him, if that makes any sense. I'm not really looking for answers, I guess I'm just feeling hormonal and down about it at the moment and I miss him a LOT. I miss the laughter and being able to talk to him. And of course the intimacy. I have a few fun trips coming up, including one to Puerto Rico with my family. But it's hard to get excited when I feel kind of down a lot of days. Bleh. sorry to hear that. bravo for staying no contact. I know myself how hard that is to do. (being I just texted mine) It's so much easier to give advice than to take it, huh? We all know what we should do, but what we actually do is so different. it's like we almost step in front of the train as we see it coming. it's natural to go through these feelings. we have to go through them. missing someone is the worst, because we know they aren't ours anymore. just stay strong. we will all eventually get over this crappy feeling and meet someone else who will eventaully give us that crappy feeling again and we will all be back here talking about our crappy feelings. love is an evil thing.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 I'm going to take your phone and smack you upside the head with it! WHY ARE YOU TEXTING HIM???
youngnlove89 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I'm going to take your phone and smack you upside the head with it! WHY ARE YOU TEXTING HIM??? haha this is your post, let's not make it all about me! lol don't punish me I am in idiot. I apologized to him for being mean, I said mean things to him when we broke up so I just apologized and he didn't respond. Of course. Go figure. I sort of expected that. But anyways...about you now...
Author Drseussgrrl Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 No more apologies, got it? This makes you look weak. What's done is done. And yeah, I've thought of lots of things I would like to say to my "ex" over the past month of NC (including apologizing for wanting clarity - I felt it made me look needy - HOW DUMB IS THAT?). But the bottom line is, it doesn't matter and it doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter why he couldn't commit and I know I would just drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. So - the focus is back on ME. I will give myself credit for this though. I walked when I knew the situation wasn't good for me and I stuck to my guns. I still think about him tons every day. It doesn't help that we have the same close friends and I know I'll continue to hear about him and sometimes being left out of things now because nobody wants to make it awkward. But this is why NC for me is so essential, because I need to heal as much as possible before running into him again.
It's Just Me Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Strict NC but he's on your Facebook? Get him off of there, and block him. Delete him from your life completely (photos, phone number, email address, all social media - EVERYTHING!) and move on. And yeah... breakups are hard. I completely understand.
youngnlove89 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 No more apologies, got it? This makes you look weak. What's done is done. And yeah, I've thought of lots of things I would like to say to my "ex" over the past month of NC (including apologizing for wanting clarity - I felt it made me look needy - HOW DUMB IS THAT?). But the bottom line is, it doesn't matter and it doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter why he couldn't commit and I know I would just drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. So - the focus is back on ME. I will give myself credit for this though. I walked when I knew the situation wasn't good for me and I stuck to my guns. I still think about him tons every day. It doesn't help that we have the same close friends and I know I'll continue to hear about him and sometimes being left out of things now because nobody wants to make it awkward. But this is why NC for me is so essential, because I need to heal as much as possible before running into him again. Yea get him off of your FB. I deleted my ex's friends from FB, I didn't want to see any pictures or any talk of him. Luckily,he doesn't have a FB. You are my inspiration. You are a strong woman to walk away when you know it's time. I know that is what I strive to be next time this happens. I won't let myself go through this again. Those short term relationships always seem to be the worse because they had the most potential.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Usually I'm a huge proponent of deleting someone off of FB. But the fact is, we share dozens of friends (and some very close friends at that) and I don't want that one act to be visible to all of them, thus getting tongues wagging. He doesn't update much, anyway, so it doesn't bother me. I have him hidden in my feed and I'm incredibly disciplined about not going to his page. If this becomes a problem, I'll delete. I guess I just don't want people to see that I'm bothered by it, least of all him.
It's Just Me Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Usually I'm a huge proponent of deleting someone off of FB. But the fact is, we share dozens of friends (and some very close friends at that) and I don't want that one act to be visible to all of them, thus getting tongues wagging. He doesn't update much, anyway, so it doesn't bother me. I have him hidden in my feed and I'm incredibly disciplined about not going to his page. If this becomes a problem, I'll delete. I guess I just don't want people to see that I'm bothered by it, least of all him. How is that one act going to be visible to all of the friends? There's no announcement that goes out when you unfriend someone - and besides, this is your business, and your life. But anyway... You can also customize your privacy settings by allowing everyone to see your wall/status updates - except him. God, I hate FB.
Floored Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Usually I'm a huge proponent of deleting someone off of FB. But the fact is, we share dozens of friends (and some very close friends at that) and I don't want that one act to be visible to all of them, thus getting tongues wagging. He doesn't update much, anyway, so it doesn't bother me. I have him hidden in my feed and I'm incredibly disciplined about not going to his page. If this becomes a problem, I'll delete. I guess I just don't want people to see that I'm bothered by it, least of all him. Is it not a problem yet? What have you defined so you know the moment to finally delete everything. You dated a technically still married man for three months, it ended a month ago, and you're still nibbling at his facebook likes. Friends either won't care or they'll be wagging anyway. That came out harsh; I'm not saying everyone needs to delete an ex from facebook, but if it will help you move on, that's all that matters.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 I get what you're saying. I guess if I feel bothered enough by it, I'll delete. I'm not yet. For now I've decided to leave him though. I've made that decision and I'm ok with it. Honestly what is the most painful is hearing about my friends making plans with him that I can't be a part of anymore. There's no getting around that.
Crila16 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I'm sorry you're going through this. He's just now going through a divorce? It's definitely not you...it really is him. He's not emotionally ready for a serious relationship yet. It sounds like you were a rebound situation. Everything was fun, great and safe, until you wanted and needed to take it to the next level. He wasn't ready and rightfully so, freaked out. You can't blame him...and you can't blame you either for wanting to kick it up a notch. Don't ever deprive yourself of your wants and needs, just to accomodate someone else. This guy won't be ready until after his divorce is final...and maybe even then some. I'd give it some time to breath. I'd revisit this relationship later on down the road if you're still available. Just because it's over now, does not mean it can't happen further on down the road. I don't even think this is a case of he's not that interested in you...I really just don't think he's ready yet...not for anyone.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Yeah I know it's him. I guess I am just really disappointed. I haven't clicked with anyone like that in a VERY long time - not even with my ex fiance. To be completely honest, I knew in the bottom of my heart that he wasn't ready. I guess I just didn't want to lose him completely, so I hung on for the good times. He was incredibly thoughtful and sweet. But I felt many times he was trying to manage down my expectations. Lesson learned not to make gambles with my heart like that again.
Crila16 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 You needed to risk it all and take the chance. I know you're disappointed...and I know how much it hurts to find someone you click with, only to have it taken away from you. I will tell you this...if there was really that click there and it was that wonderful...you two will find each other again. I've seen it happen before. He just wasn't ready now and it's not his fault. You could have been the most perfect, ideal woman for him...and when you're hearts not ready, it's not ready. He needs to brush off the affects of the marriage first. Get over that failure (as he's probably thinking) figure himself out, before he has the strength, heart and mind to take the chance on something new. I'm not trying to give you false hope...I just want you to know that "you never know" what could happen. Just give it some time. You'll probably hear from him again if you NC.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Thank you. We actually share a very close friend who says that he thinks he'll be back around when all of this other stuff settles down. But I can't wait. I've got a life to live. And yes NC has been a godsend. I don't even really know what I would say to him at this point anyway. There really is nothing to say. It's inevitable that we'll see each other again at some point, but even just hearing his name gives me that sick feeling inside. I'm not ready for that. I just miss his presence in my life dearly.
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