didge2008 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) I’ve been dating this guy for a little over 3 months now, lets call him Ryan. We work really well together, except we have trouble communicating. I’m insecure in relationships because I have been cheated on in the past. My boyfriend on the other hand, has had two great relationships, and still frequently talks to his most recent ex who he dated for 2 years but was involved with for 3. When we met he still was in love (or as he says “still has love for her”) with her even though they hadn’t been romantically involved for at least a year according to him. In June we got into a huge fight when I invaded his privacy by reading his texts to his ex. This was a few days after he had, had dinner with his ex (as she was moving to a different city), when he initially told me he was going to have dinner with her, he said dinner with a friend and then revealed it was his ex. In addition to that, I had felt that our relationship was off kilter. Something was wrong that I couldn’t exactly place, but instead of taking the mature route of talking to him I read his texts.The texts said he would never forget her and thinks of her everyday, and she responded with similar texts. But both of their texts did seem as if they were reminiscing and not currently involved, but definitely still had respect for each other. They also revealed that they had hung out at least twice and he had never told me. While we did fight, it ended up being me apologizing for invading his privacy and we did not talk about his relationship with his ex at all. It did make me realize how much I loved him, and I realized it was messed up of me to read them. Our relationship has moved very fast, we said we loved each other soon into the relationship. Also he says we are perfect for each other, and that I’m the best girl ever for him. We have both met each others parents, and one of Ryan’s good friends told me that I’m his favorite of all the girls Ryan’s been with. Things began feeling strange a couple weeks ago, but both of us have been very busy and stressed to I have mainly attributed it to that. We both have acknowledged that communication is a weak spot in our relationship. Last week I was unplugging his computer charger when his phone which was plugged in next to the computer went off with a text from his ex. I did not read it, and confronted him later that night. He reassured me that it was nothing, and they are just friends that the text was about a good grade on a test. I believe him, and I told him that I am insecure regarding this because of being cheated on by my ex boyfriend (he cheated on me with his ex, and went back to her after we broke up). We both cried and told each other how much we love each other, yada yada. But I get extremely nervous when opening up about my feelings, and was unable to help him understand how his talking to his ex made me feel. I wrote him a letter (actually I’ve written several letters over the period of the first fight until now, but haven’t had the courage to give him any), but every day since our talk we have been too busy to sit down and talk about it. I have been to scared to even bring it up, so he doesn’t even know that I want to talk, which is 100% my fault. This past week I went home, and it’s been very strange. When he dropped me off at the train station he didn’t get out to say goodbye, and even had invited his friends to come drop me off as well. Since I’ve been home, he’s been slow at responding to texts (though in all fairness he has said sorry for that, without me bringing it up as a problem). Today I called him at 10pm (I hadn’t spoken to him all day, and he had just sent me a text asking about my day, so I was attempting to return his text) and he didn’t respond, but I figured it was because his phone wasn’t nearby. I then sent him a very sweet text to which he also didn’t respond. I feel that this is probably because he was tired from a long run, and work. But even then 10pm is very early for him to go to bed. I then just casually checked his fb page, and saw that his ex is coming to visit “Heyy so I'm thinkin the weekend of September 7th that I'll be up, lemme know if that works!” The wording makes it sound as if they had been talking about more than just grades, and since he hasn’t returned my texts recently (and has been taking a long time to return them prior to this, and generally just acting off). I mean I want to be able to say I’m comfortable with them hanging out, and talking. But in reality I’m not, I will admit I am very insecure when it comes to exes, and I know thats extremely unattractive so I feel as though I have been trying to hide it from him (I also know that is super unhealthy). I also frequently clean his house, and knows he still has momentos from his ex. I also think he may still have photos on his phone as I asked to look at his sunset photos and he quickly scrolled through all the sunset photos (he takes a lot of sunset photos), but did not let me physically do it. Also I know that they fought a lot, but also were deeply in love. I feel like she was the one who got away, they have a ton of photos together and intensely private (from my perspective, as I am a very private person) love letters to each other on their respective fb walls. I really have no idea what to do. I know I need to learn how to become comfortable with it, but simultaneously I feel that currently I am the one doing all the work because he doesn’t understand that I’m so uncomfortable with the situation. I know I need to tell him how it makes me feel, but I don’t know how to do that without risking losing him. Also sincere thanks to anyone who has the patience to read all this, and respond. I really do appreciate it so incredibly much. Edited August 24, 2012 by didge2008 formatting
all_hail_me Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Ok, I'm really sorry to nitpick - but did you really write that you clean his house occasionally? Um, hun, that's a bit weird. Right, now I'm not going to belittle you because this may not be the case for everyone, but love doesn't exist at 3 months. Love is built over a long period of time, and it's earned through respect and getting across the rocky road together. This doesn't happen to everyone, but you're both experienced people on the relationship front so I have to say that I believe your love was initial infatuation. Anyway, as I said I'm not going to belittle you because you know what you want in a relationship, or you wouldn't be on here upset! I sincerely think you need to cut this fella off. No contact. No guy says that he is fine with his ex girlfriend then texts regularly and emails. How long had they split up before you met eachother? Him inviting her to visit is WRONG WRONG WRONG. If he respected you and wanted it to work with you, he wouldn't be relying on her so much. I think you need to get out now, give yourself a good long time to heal because you're not over those cheating b*stard ex's. It sounds like he is getting way beyond your threshold for comfort and I think you need to remove yourself from that situation because it sounds like it's breaking down beyond repair and he has zero respect for you. All I'm going to say is this, it's up to you, but it's only been 3 months. Count your lucky chickens you can get out now. You deserve to meet a bloke who will be there for you and will understand that this sh*t is not cool. All our time is lost with guys who cannot commit to what they have. It may be 1 month in, it may be 7 years but don't waste your time to someone who thinks chatting to his ex like they're besties is normal.
Art_Critic Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 He isn't over his ex... duh.. What to do now.. well.. in the beginning you and he worked out the issue with him talking to her behind your back.. That came from your snooping and yes it was your fault.. but... He is talking to her behind your back again and going to see her... He is totally disrespecting you and the relationship you both have together.. What to do... depends.. Honestly I think you should re-think things.. Him not being over his ex is okay.. heartbreak hurts and take time to heal..but he is in another relationship and needs to move on from her and protect what you have together. If he can't do that then you should find someone who treats you like you should be treated and is more compatible with you.
veggirl Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I’ve been dating this guy for a little over 3 months now, lets call him Ryan. We work really well together, except we have trouble communicating. If you have trouble communicating, you don't work well together. That is the hugest problem in Rs, bad communication. I’m insecure in relationships because I have been cheated on in the past. My boyfriend on the other hand, has had two great relationships, and still frequently talks to his most recent ex who he dated for 2 years but was involved with for 3. When we met he still was in love (or as he says “still has love for her”) with her even though they hadn’t been romantically involved for at least a year according to him. Why in the world did you even START dating someone who was still in love with his ex? You are insecure because you are choosing a man who is 100% UNAVAILABLE. I mean really, why didn't you run as soon as you found that out?! In June we got into a huge fight when I invaded his privacy by reading his texts to his ex. This was a few days after he had, had dinner with his ex (as she was moving to a different city), when he initially told me he was going to have dinner with her, he said dinner with a friend and then revealed it was his ex. In addition to that, I had felt that our relationship was off kilter. Something was wrong that I couldn’t exactly place, but instead of taking the mature route of talking to him I read his texts.The texts said he would never forget her and thinks of her everyday, and she responded with similar texts. But both of their texts did seem as if they were reminiscing and not currently involved, but definitely still had respect for each other. They also revealed that they had hung out at least twice and he had never told me. While we did fight, it ended up being me apologizing for invading his privacy and we did not talk about his relationship with his ex at all. It did make me realize how much I loved him, and I realized it was messed up of me to read them. Wow. So after only a month of dating, you found out he was in secret, inappropriate communication with his ex, and you stayed anyway? And then YOU apologized to HIM and you guys didn't even talk about what the ACTUAL problem was (his communication with the ex). So, you found out his was "reminiscing" with his ex and secretly meeting with her--LYING TO YOU--and...you apologized... Again, it had been a month. You should have run for your life from this mess. Our relationship has moved very fast, we said we loved each other soon into the relationship. Also he says we are perfect for each other, and that I’m the best girl ever for him. We have both met each others parents, and one of Ryan’s good friends told me that I’m his favorite of all the girls Ryan’s been with. You are his rebound. Things began feeling strange a couple weeks ago, but both of us have been very busy and stressed to I have mainly attributed it to that. We both have acknowledged that communication is a weak spot in our relationship. Last week I was unplugging his computer charger when his phone which was plugged in next to the computer went off with a text from his ex. I did not read it, and confronted him later that night. He reassured me that it was nothing, and they are just friends that the text was about a good grade on a test. I believe him, and I told him that I am insecure regarding this because of being cheated on by my ex boyfriend (he cheated on me with his ex, and went back to her after we broke up). We both cried and told each other how much we love each other, yada yada. But I get extremely nervous when opening up about my feelings, and was unable to help him understand how his talking to his ex made me feel. How can he be "just friends" with someone he is not over? You are a placeholder, he would jump back to her arms if she let him. I wrote him a letter (actually I’ve written several letters over the period of the first fight until now, but haven’t had the courage to give him any), but every day since our talk we have been too busy to sit down and talk about it. I have been to scared to even bring it up, so he doesn’t even know that I want to talk, which is 100% my fault. Awful lot of drama for a 3 month old relationship. Why are you wasting your time? He is not over his ex. She is coming to visit him and they will likely exclude you from all activities, probably sleep together...you are okay with being his rebound, with being the girl who is around for the timebeing? You need to have some self respect and leave this man. He prioritizes his ex and will not let that go. If he really loved you, he would respect you and the fact that his totally inappropriate contact with the ex bothers you and he would cut it off.
irin Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 i never understand how people allow so much drama so early on in a relationship, arent they supposed to be red flags so you can run.
KatZee Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 You need to watch yourself here. I will say all of this as nice as I possibly can, it's not going to be something you're going to want to read. I went through this EXACT same thing with my most recent ex. He was with her numerous years. We met, we were platonic friends for about 3 months... I didn't even know he was in a relationship. One day he confessed he had a girlfriend, I was shocked. He said he hadn't been happy in a very long time. He wound up dumping that girl... and started dating me very soon after the fact. He said things like, "she was my best friend for years, I won't stop being her friends, I want her in my life as a friend, I loved her for almost all of 6 years... etc etc." 1. It's already been said. He's not over the ex. He's still communicating with her. He's doing this while dating you. This is red-flag one. 2. He's hanging out with her behind your back and trying to cover it up. This is red-flag two. 3. He's not respecting you by putting this relationship in the past where it belongs. He's not respecting you by continuing to have a relationship with her and hiding it from you. There is something still there between them, or from his end. My ex swore up and down he didn't love her, he loved me... and us as a couple too... we took off like a rocket. We said we loved each other three months into dating. It all happened so fast after the end of such a long relationship with him and his ex. Then one day months into our relationship... he was acting the way yours is now acting. A bit distant, aloof, not acting as loving as he had been... I didn't do the snooping thing you're doing, so I believed him when he said it was work stress, he was tired, sick, whatever other excuses he made. Fast forward to our two year anniversary. He confessed to cheating on me with his ex. He never had stopped being in contact with her. He was talking to her and divulging our personal business to her. He was trying to decide if he wanted her back when he told me he loved me for the first time. The period of time when he was distant... he was cheating on me. Full blown sex with the ex. Your current boyfriend has very clear hangups with the ex-gf. Watch yourself. that's all I'm saying. My ex burned me so bad. Everything about us was a lie. He continued to sneak to talk to her when he told me he wasn't. He hid his tracks well. Even after he cheated on me, and she started showing up at places, I would ask "why is she here..." and he would shrug and put on a stupid face. Like I'm an idiot. Even after he cheated, he still wouldn't stop talking to her. Be verrrrrry verryyyy careful. Good chance he's cheated, or wants to, or atleast harbors strong feelings still and is trying to use you as a clutch to move on (hence why it's moving so fast.) The communication between my ex and I was garbage too. I would go to him with concerns, and he would blow it off. Your whole story sounds like the story of my life for the past three years. It was the worst three years of my life. GET OUT NOW, WHILE YOU CAN.
veggirl Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 i never understand how people allow so much drama so early on in a relationship, arent they supposed to be red flags so you can run. Yeah you'd think people would run at the sign of that s.hit. I guess normal healthy people will. People who just want a relationship at any cost though, won't.
morichu Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Wake up and realize you are in the classic rebound relationship. Every red flag is up and howling in the wind. it's not your fault, this moron just hasn't gotten over her yet Get. Out. Now
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