hopeful1985 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Ive been seeing this guy for two weeks, we have had 5 dates in total. Things where going really well, we have been swapping messages every day until the early hours. But we both agreed early on that we hold back on having sex, until we had been on a fair few dates. So far we are just making out, cuddling, and swapping the odd photo, but we have both made it clear to each other that we do want each other. I also made it clear early on that i didnt want to be messed around, to which he replied "i wouldnt be talking to you if i was going to mess you around. I like you". (this was only a week ago) So i am suprised that after our 5th date things went a little quiet. I knew he had a long day at work before our date, so rather than text him when i got home that night i waited until the next day to text him. So i didnt keep him up. I got a reply later that evening, which was along the lines of the usual messages we send each other. (jokey and nice) But then i heard nothing all evening. Or the next morning. So I messaged him in evening saying if he didnt want to text or see me again he could just say. Cause i didnt want to keep pestering him. But i didnt receive a reply. So i havent heard from him in the last 24 hours. I know there could be a chance he is busy, but im used to hearing from him every day. Thing is i like this guy, and im pretty sure he likes me. I cant think of anything i would have done, or said on the last date that would have put him off. And surely if you reach 5 dates with a guy and youre still making out, and he says things are "hot" he cant suddenly go off you over night. I have avoided sending anymore texts as i thought i would give it a few days. But if anyone has any advice on what i should do, or how i can find out if he is still interested it would help. (He is pretty laid back character, he works all day and surfs after work. Sometimes leaves his phone at home. And we always make plans on the day..... thats how laid back he is!)
mysteryscape Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Entirely possible he's afraid he's getting in too deep, in spite of what he has said. If he's thinking of bugging out -- scramming in panic -- the absolute WORST thing you could do is bug him -- because that just makes it much more likely that he will succumb to his panic attack (if that is what is going on). My advice -- hard as it undoubtedly may be -- go silent. Let HIM wonder if you're getting ready to drop HIM -- that is the best way to help him get over HIS cold feet. He's gotten your message, now it's up to him. Again, if you bug him now, you just guarantee that he's a goner. 1
lilyblue Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 From experience, I'd say it's likely he's met someone else and is trying to fade away without having to confront it. 2
Emilia Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Ive been seeing this guy for two weeks, we have had 5 dates in total. Things where going really well, we have been swapping messages every day until the early hours. But we both agreed early on that we hold back on having sex, until we had been on a fair few dates. So far we are just making out, cuddling, and swapping the odd photo, but we have both made it clear to each other that we do want each other. I also made it clear early on that i didnt want to be messed around, to which he replied "i wouldnt be talking to you if i was going to mess you around. I like you". (this was only a week ago) So i am suprised that after our 5th date things went a little quiet. I knew he had a long day at work before our date, so rather than text him when i got home that night i waited until the next day to text him. So i didnt keep him up. I got a reply later that evening, which was along the lines of the usual messages we send each other. (jokey and nice) But then i heard nothing all evening. Or the next morning. So I messaged him in evening saying if he didnt want to text or see me again he could just say. Cause i didnt want to keep pestering him. But i didnt receive a reply. So i havent heard from him in the last 24 hours. I know there could be a chance he is busy, but im used to hearing from him every day. After 5 dates you are not comfortable enough with each other to just to dial each other's number? You text? That says a lot about your (lack of)connection. Also the bolded part is pretty insecure and needy on your part. You should never text things like that. (He is pretty laid back character, he works all day and surfs after work. Sometimes leaves his phone at home. And we always make plans on the day..... thats how laid back he is!) Nah, he is lazy I think when you say you agreed to take it slow without sex, that was probably your idea and he went along with it. Doesn't sound like he is at all that interested in my opinion 1
kiss_andmakeup Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 His lack of response to your last text indicates, to me at least, that he's not interested and trying to do "the fade." If he was really into you, he wouldn't let a text saying "if you don't want to see me again it's okay," go un-answered. My initial thought from reading your post is that you seem insecure. Warning a guy that you "don't want to be messed around" after one week? Those are the words of a jaded and insecure person. He probably picked up on that over the course of your dates and decided he wasn't interested in getting involved in a relationship with you. 4
veggirl Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 you should NEVER text someone something like that whole "if you're not interested just tell me" thing. It makes you look very dramatic and needy and kinda desperate. If he was on the fence before, that would likely really turn him off. Perhaps he was thinking things were getting "too much too soon" and if so, you proved him right. Anyway, regardless, a guy who is interested will reply to texts and he will keep up the communication. Talking to the wee hours in the morning right off the bat is probably not a great idea, you have gotten much more invested than him it sounds like. I would not contact this guy again! ps-when you say the "odd picture" does that mean sexy photos?! 1
Author hopeful1985 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Mysteryscape- I have backed off completely and havent contacted him at all since my last text yesterday evening. Hopefully it will make him come round.
Author hopeful1985 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Lilyblue- I dont think he could have met anyone else, as if where not seeing each other then were in contact all night. And when i am round his place his phone is on the table right infront of me and never beeps.
Author hopeful1985 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Kiss andmakeup- I suppose im just upset because i really did like this guy, and i thought he felt the same from everything he had said and his actions. In your experience is there anything i can do to make the situation better? Such as apologise for what i said?
mysteryscape Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I think you're doing the right thing and at least one other poster sees it similar to me. I don't think it was bad to tell him you "don't want to be messed around" -- there is all too much of that, if he doesn't like it, you're better off without him -- but I don't think that is your problem with him. If he comes back, fine, if not, you should just move on, you can't control these things.
Author hopeful1985 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Veggirl- No not sexy photos. He just commented he liked certain photos i had on facebook, so i text him a few similar ones. We didnt start talking until the early hours until we had our first date. We spoke for two weeks before that, but it was just general conversation. Nothing flirty, just getting to know each other. Its only since we started dating that we will stay up late talking. I do regret sending him the text telling him if he didnt want to speak to me anymore he could tell me, as now ive thought about it it was the wrong thing to have done. But at the time i was upset. Unfortunatly i like this person, and i just want to be able to do something to make the situation better if thats possible. We have always been honest with each other and made jokes like "you bored of me yet, or shall i come over tonight?" Its our stange sense of humour, and usually gets a reply such as "ha ha. No not yet".
Author hopeful1985 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Mysteryscape- We spoke for two weeks before we met, and that included past relationships. I had a lot of hassle with my ex and he knew this. Which is why i said to him that i didnt want to be messed around. I suppose i just wanted him to know that i wasnt just up for a "fun time" or someone he could just play around with.
Author hopeful1985 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Is it worth apologising for saying what i did?? "If he didnt want to text or see me again he could just say. Cause i didnt want to keep pestering him" Or is apologising not a good idea?? As i realise now i probably shouldnt have said it, and it does seem a little needy/full on and might have scared him off. It was only because i liked him. Any advise on how i can save the situation would be VERY helpful!
Emilia Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Is it worth apologising for saying what i did?? "If he didnt want to text or see me again he could just say. Cause i didnt want to keep pestering him" Or is apologising not a good idea?? As i realise now i probably shouldnt have said it, and it does seem a little needy/full on and might have scared him off. It was only because i liked him. Any advise on how i can save the situation would be VERY helpful! don't say anything to him ever again if he doesn't contact you. it is ALWAYS a bad idea to bring up sensitive stuff via text anyway your best bet at the moment is self-restraint
mysteryscape Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Don't apologize for anything! There's nothing to apologize for and besides, you'll just come across as a needy pest. Wait for him to contact you!
Author hopeful1985 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 I am going to have to contact him again at some point, as i left some things at his place that i would like back. So i will have to have contact at some point. So would apologising when i collect my things be a good idea?
veggirl Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 DO NOT apologize. There is nothing to apologize for!! What would you even say? 3
geegirl Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I am going to have to contact him again at some point, as i left some things at his place that i would like back. So i will have to have contact at some point. So would apologising when i collect my things be a good idea? Nothing to apologize for, really. If the guy was interested, there would have been nothing you could say that would sent him running the other way. In fact, he would have responded and alleviated your fears and moved forward. It's clear that he's not on the same page as you are. You want to apologize, hoping it will change his mind and make him come your way again. Stop. He'll come your way because he's not afraid of what's ahead. If he's afraid, let him go and get his bearings straight. He'll contact you if he wants to. You go from there. It's pretty simple. When someone is interested, they will show you.
lilyblue Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Lilyblue- I dont think he could have met anyone else, as if where not seeing each other then were in contact all night. And when i am round his place his phone is on the table right infront of me and never beeps. I unfortunately didn't think my ex could have met anyone else either. There are a lot of hours in the day... a lot can happen that you don't know about. Just my experience of course. Hopefully isn't true!
FaithInTheDark Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I have been in this situatuon recently, maybe that text u sent wasn't the best idea but nothin u can do about it now. U r not nessacarily insecure. Just confused. It hurts when u really like someone and they demonstrate that they like u back and make effort,,than fade out and back off completely. U have attempted to contact him thata all u can do. The ball is in his court,don't beat urself up over this. guys are one giant head ****, I dont get why they go hot then cold. Move forward. 1
Author hopeful1985 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Thanks everyone for the advice. I received a text today from him saying..... "I didnt say i didnt want to see you anymore just going a bit fast."
The Way I Am Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 So i am suprised that after our 5th date things went a little quiet. I knew he had a long day at work before our date, so rather than text him when i got home that night i waited until the next day to text him. So i didnt keep him up. I got a reply later that evening, which was along the lines of the usual messages we send each other. (jokey and nice) But then i heard nothing all evening. Or the next morning. So I messaged him in evening saying if he didnt want to text or see me again he could just say. Cause i didnt want to keep pestering him. NEVER say something like that. It always come off as pathetic, desperate, and crazy. You hadn't heard from him in like 12 hours. Assuming he had lost all interest was a huge overreaction. But i didnt receive a reply. So i havent heard from him in the last 24 hours.I wouldn't expect you to get a reply to that. I know there could be a chance he is busy, but im used to hearing from him every day.He may have just been busy, but after the "just tell me if you don't want to talk to me" text, I think you're done. Sorry. I've made that mistake myself, and there's pretty much no coming back from it. Any contact you initiate with him will not win him over and will make yourself feel worse after he doesn't respond the way you hoped. You're better off moving on. If he happens to contact you, great. If he doesn't, chalk this one up to a learning experience.
The Way I Am Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Thanks everyone for the advice. I received a text today from him saying..... "I didnt say i didnt want to see you anymore just going a bit fast." Well, that's actually a good sign. You need to back off though. Let him do the work from this point. 1
mysteryscape Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 let him do the work. Let him wonder if YOU are backing off. Best way to build up his enthusiasm again. No game, just follow what he has indicated he wants -- for you to give him space -- let him see how he likes it!
Author hopeful1985 Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 Thanks everyone! Like i said he got back in touch, we spoke for hours on Sunday and then had a date Monday night. It was really nice, we had a good laugh and he asked me to stay over. But i declined, as i didnt want him to think i was going to sleep with him. Obviously he said nothing like that would happen and that he had respect and will power, but you never know! We have now been on 6 dates and i get a feeling im maybe wasting my time, and its not going to turn into anything serious. Dont get me wrong, i really like the guy. But he hasnt given me any indication that he wants to have a proper relationship with me. Obviously he has asked me to stay over, ive met and had a chat with his flat mate, and we talk most nights and see each other a few times a week. But i just get a feeling that after 6 dates if he really wanted to be with me he would be pulling his finger out a little more, and making it obvious if you get what i mean? On the other hand i think if he was just after sex he would have got bored by now, since we have been on a fair few dates. I wish i knew how the male mind worked sometimes!
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