shakedown Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) Hi Forum, Id really appreciate some advice. A little background to the story here, which was posted in like Nov 2011. Turns out I was right XD http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/305900-paranoid-over-new-relationship-due-past-experience Im currently going through a very painful breakup with my Ex, Lets call him Y. I have been with Y for over a year now, he is 27, I am 21 and we were in a LDR for about 9 months, I have been back for five. I broke up with him about five days ago. We were seeing each other every two weeks when we were far away. Things were good. But i always had a gut feeling about something. Recently, I found out that during the first four or five months of our relationship he was cheating on me by talking to a girl extremely inappropriately and seeing her behind my back. He didnt tell me, I had to find out by looking at emails. Which i would never normally do, but I feel i was justified in this case. The story is so long so I wont go into it as Its very complicated, but I am happy I have broken up with him, even though its one of the most painful things I have done. Anyway, I have continuously asked him if they did anything physical, to which he has denied profusely. In their conversations, they talked of sleeping together, but i didn't get far enough down to read all of it to see if they actually did. He said he 'would have left me before i slept with her' (which obviously makes me feel sooo great...) I am worried that he has slept with her and feels too scared to tell me. I am worried about having an STI from her, as she's a bit of a bike. (not making up facts here) I feel I should get an STI test but I have such severe anxiety that I don't know if i could face a doctor swabbing me etc. And I don't trust his opinions. He has offered to get an STI test and show me the results if I want, but Im also considering sending her a Email. Saying something courteous along the lines of 'Recently, I found out what happened between you and <Y> at the start of our relationship. I do not wish to discuss the details as I have broken up with him. But I do need to know if anything physical went on with you both, I feel i am obliged to know for my own health, and if I need to get an STI Test. I'd appreciate your response.' I know this is a little controversial, and i have no idea if shell reply, but I feel i need to know if I have an sti, but also, to know if they actually did anything... because although i have Broken up with him, its tearing me up inside not knowing if they did anything... It feels important to me to know. Sorry for the long post, I hope ive given you enough details, and that this is in the right place. Edited August 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Anonymity
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Go to your doctor. Suggest she does the same, if they slept together, because the way he is, there's no guarantee she's the only one he's messed with. Just point that out to her. Ask her when they first had sex, then... Leave it at that. 1
Author shakedown Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Go to your doctor. Suggest she does the same, if they slept together, because the way he is, there's no guarantee she's the only one he's messed with. Just point that out to her. Ask her when they first had sex, then... Leave it at that. Thanks for your advice, So you think I should email her? She has a boyfriend now, i have no idea if she'd even reply to me. You're right, i don't know if he's done it to anyone else, i don't think he'd be stupid enough. But i don't know for sure. So a good way of going about it is not asking her if they had sex but more saying 'when did you first have sex?' as if i already know they have? I don't know if they did though, i'm really not sure either way.
Author shakedown Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 bump. would really appreciate opinions on this =/
Crila16 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 OMG...why the drama??? Just go get a test from the Dr. and be done with it. It doesn't matter if she does or doesn't, all that matters is if you do. No need to contact her. I personally think you want to contact her to find out if she'll tell you if they slept together or not and you're using a medical excuse as the reason. If that weren't the case, you would have just gone to a Dr already. 1
Author shakedown Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 OMG...why the drama??? Just go get a test from the Dr. and be done with it. It doesn't matter if she does or doesn't, all that matters is if you do. No need to contact her. I personally think you want to contact her to find out if she'll tell you if they slept together or not and you're using a medical excuse as the reason. If that weren't the case, you would have just gone to a Dr already. Its not really helpful for you to say 'OMG why the drama?!' i'm going through a really tough time at the moment and comments like that don't help me... Im sure you'd understand if you were in my shoes. Of course I want to find out if they have slept together or not, I made that clear in my Original post. Its a pretty important thing to me, wouldn't you think? I'm freaking terrified about going to the doctors about it.
KatZee Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Hi Forum, Id really appreciate some advice. A little background to the story here, which was posted in like Nov 2011. Turns out I was right XD http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/305900-paranoid-over-new-relationship-due-past-experience Im currently going through a very painful breakup with my Ex, Lets call him Y. I have been with Y for over a year now, he is 27, I am 21 and we were in a LDR for about 9 months, I have been back for five. I broke up with him about five days ago. We were seeing each other every two weeks when we were far away. Things were good. But i always had a gut feeling about something. Recently, I found out that during the first four or five months of our relationship he was cheating on me by talking to a girl extremely inappropriately and seeing her behind my back. He didnt tell me, I had to find out by looking at emails. Which i would never normally do, but I feel i was justified in this case. The story is so long so I wont go into it as Its very complicated, but I am happy I have broken up with him, even though its one of the most painful things I have done. Anyway, I have continuously asked him if they did anything physical, to which he has denied profusely. In their conversations, they talked of sleeping together, but i didn't get far enough down to read all of it to see if they actually did. He said he 'would have left me before i slept with her' (which obviously makes me feel sooo great...) I am worried that he has slept with her and feels too scared to tell me. I am worried about having an STI from her, as she's a bit of a bike. (not making up facts here) I feel I should get an STI test but I have such severe anxiety that I don't know if i could face a doctor swabbing me etc. And I don't trust his opinions. He has offered to get an STI test and show me the results if I want, but Im also considering sending her a Email. Saying something courteous along the lines of 'Recently, I found out what happened between you and <Y> at the start of our relationship. I do not wish to discuss the details as I have broken up with him. But I do need to know if anything physical went on with you both, I feel i am obliged to know for my own health, and if I need to get an STI Test. I'd appreciate your response.' I know this is a little controversial, and i have no idea if shell reply, but I feel i need to know if I have an sti, but also, to know if they actually did anything... because although i have Broken up with him, its tearing me up inside not knowing if they did anything... It feels important to me to know. Sorry for the long post, I hope ive given you enough details, and that this is in the right place. No. You don't need to contact this girl to get information. You shouldn't even be bothering with your ex or this chick. Your physical health is no one's concern but yours at this point, and you need to get over the anxiety or embarrassment of being swabbed. You really don't want to have something and have it lead to reproductive problems down the line because you're too scared. Woman up and book an appointment, ASAP. Not to mention, even if this DIDN'T happen, you should be having yearly gyno exams ANYWAY to keep yourself healthy.
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Thanks for your advice, So you think I should email her? She has a boyfriend now, i have no idea if she'd even reply to me. Ah, well... if she has a BF now, I hate to say it, but it's highly unlikely she would have an STD.... because she would be focussing on getting healthy, and having a new guy to sleep with would probably not be her priority.... You're right, i don't know if he's done it to anyone else, i don't think he'd be stupid enough. But i don't know for sure. Well, he's stupid enough to do what he did.... So a good way of going about it is not asking her if they had sex but more saying 'when did you first have sex?' as if i already know they have? I don't know if they did though, i'm really not sure either way. Look, if you really feel this is getting under your skin, write her a 'woman to woman' letter. A "sisters together" kind of approach. Tell her he did a dirty on you, was disrespectful, dishonest and has lied to you. Tell her you can't get an honest or reliable word out of him, so you're asking someone who you believe is actually more trustworthy.... Maybe...? And try to realise that this hurt, to a certain extent, is you twisting your own knife, and ripping your own stitches out.... You have to realise that unfortunately (and isn't this forum proof of this - ?!) that cheating, break-ups, dishonesty and lying go on far too often - from both genders. Salvation - and relief - comes from understanding that the pain is there, but that the continued 'suffering' - is optional. Don't blur the edges. By all means, focus on, and acknowledge the pain of the break-up - but don't feed the flames of your suffering, by piling on the agony....
Crila16 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 It may not be helpful, but if you really think you have a problem, you need to go straight to the Dr. Instead you're concern seems to be more about whether the girl will get back to you, as opposed to whether or not something more serious could be going on. I think you're just trying to find out if this guy cheated on you. It's obvious from your post. If you want to know if you have an STI infection, and you're that concerned and worried...you need to go to a Dr. instead of worrying about this girl he may or may not have cheated on you with. Your health is more important right now. Go to a Dr. I know it's scary, but you need to know and this girl may not even give you the answers you need.
Car10e Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Honestly, I think thats a little bit of an invasion of privacy. If you think you may have it, then go get yourself checked out. If she has/had signs of it, I think she would know to get checked out as well. I think you are more focused on finding out whether your ex cheated on you, rather than her health. Either way, contacting her with that question makes you seem a little crazy, which I'm sure you don't want. 1
SadPanda22 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Go to the doctor, please. STI's can lead to even more serious complications if they are not treated. And like KatZee said, you should be going every year regardless for an annual pap smear and breast exam (especially if you are sexually active!!). I was terrified the first time I went, but my doctor was so nice, and as it turns out, it really isn't that bad. Please go and get yourself checked out.
geegirl Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Shakedown, After I broke up with my ex, a woman contacted me that she was sleeping with him when he and I started dating. I had my suspicions mid-way through the R but he always denied. I believed him. When she contacted me, I went tumbling. Even when she told me, I was in denial and didn't want to believe. When I confronted him after the break-up, he denied again. His word against her word. Did it help me in anyway? Nope. Did it change the situation? Nope. Betrayal is betrayal. You need to know because it's your only way to validate what he felt for you. If he didn't sleep with her, you feel less devalued. If he did, then it speaks of what you truly meant to him. The thing is, they spoke about sleeping together. That should be enough of an answer for you. Planning to sleep together isn't any less of a betrayal than actually sleeping with her. It should be enough for you to close that chapter in your life, deal with your hurt and get yourself tested, without the need of contacting her. The "truth" didn't change a thing. I still had to move on from feeling hurt and devalued. What if she doesn't even get checked and doesn't care. If she told you she is clean, would you believe her? Believe test results. It's reliable.
ThatJustHappened Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I agree with the above posters. There's no need to contact her. Will it really make you feel better to know for sure that they slept together? Go to the doctor. If you get any positive test results, THEN you can email her and tell her that you tested positive for something and that she should get herself tested as well.
kha00 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I'm going to agree with the majority and say don't contact her. Go to your doctor and get tested. If contacting her is truly more about knowing about whether you need to get tested, do you really expect her to be honest? I doubt she'll respond with, "Yeah we had sex and I have herpes." No. If they did have sex then let's assume that even if she did have something, she didn't tell him about it. (And if she did tell him and he did it anyway then that's disgusting, but not likely.) So if he didn't know, do you really thing she'll be honest with the mysterious ex-girlfriend who's emailing her? I don't think she will. And suppose she does reply and says that she's clean.. Can you really trust that? Also, if he cheated on you with her.. who's to say that there wasn't anyone else too? You can't know for sure and you can't email everyone that may potentially have been with him. Go get tested so you can let it go and move on. And I know you feel like you need to know whether they did have sex to get closure, but I don't think you do. First, like it was said before, they had talked about sleeping together... That is enough information to know that he is not faithful or trustworthy, and not worth your time. I think knowing for sure will just hurt you more. You deserve better than him and he's not worth your thoughts.
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