marcia30 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Hi, I'm new to this site but could do with some advice. Husband & I have been married for 11 years, together for 14 years. We have had what I would term a fairly good marriage but it's been battered by 4 miscarriages & the subsequent depressions that I suffered due to those. I entered therapy 3 years ago to deal with this & have been much stronger for over 2 years now. Last year, I got pregnant with my second child, having gone thought treatment to prevent a further miscarriage. My pregnancy was great, but my husband was stressed with work & lots of dental problems. I had to have an emergency c-section & 3 weeks after our daughter was born, my husband got shingles. We were also doing house renovations at the same time. I got my head down & just tried to cope with a newborn, her 6 year old sister & recovering from a c-section whilst having a husband who works away. At Christmas, he gave me a card telling me I was Wonderwoman & that he was more in love with me than ever. He also planned an amazing birthday surprise for my 40th in January - a trip to New York. I cried as I was so touched. Jump forward to mid March - I say to my husband that he hasn't told me that he loves me for a while. He says that he's not sure how he feels about us. During this time, he has been working harder & has to work a weekend away. I asked if there was someone else, and of course, he denies it. We plod along for a while - I make an effort to support him & take a long, hard look at myself & think - yes, I probably was taking us for granted. So I become more attentive. He seems withdrawn & distant. Come the start of May, I start snooping on his computer & hey presto, the weekend working was spent away in a cottage. I go ballistic - make him come home, & attack him when he arrives. He cries & tells me he's so sorry. He then lies & tells me it was some woman he knows at work, who has now moved to Florida. He only kissed her & wanted time away & she was someone to talk to. The following week was awful. He didn't leave & we ploughed through the awful emotions. I tell him that I emailed her & he then tells me it wasn't her, it was some woman he met down the pub. I go ballistic again at the furthe lies. He maintains that the same version of events occurred that he originally said. The next 5 weeks were spent dissecting what had happened & what he was feeling about us. I kept going over stuff as it just didn't feel right - call it women's intuition. He was telling me that all the stuff we'd been through had knocked his connection to me & he couldn't reassure me about our future together. He was all over the place. Eventually,I snoop some more & find conversations of another email account, where he was declaring love for this 26 year old that he works with. They were having "the best sex he's ever had", "he'd never felt like this before" - things that broke my heart. He had finished it with her when I initially found out about the weekend. He wasn't working away anymore & I could detect a difference in him. I knew he had finished it as the conversations ended with her pleading for him not to leave her as he was the only good thing in his life. We are now 3 months on from that. I have lost lots of weight & am smoking again. We are about to have a months separation - I don't want to but he says that he needs to know for sure that he is prepared to reconcile our marriage or leave. He doesn't want to be with her - he said his head is too messed up & it would be too complicated. He confuses me all the time. He loves me but needs to know that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. His guilt makes him look at all the bad stuff in our marriage yet he was telling me how he was lying in bed one night, I was out & he suddenly thought about if I died in a car crash - then all he could see was the good stuff. He is scared about the thought of not having me in his life. As for the affair, he said that he has never pursued anyone before & it felt good to be in control. She adored him & made him feel good about himself. I suggested that he was using her to self medicate himself after a stressful year. We had been cruising, taking each other for granted. He told me the other day that our relationship can't have been as bad as he's thought as we've been together for 14 years & made it through some tough times. I am prepared to try & work through this to rebuild our marriage. My strength has blown me & all of our friends & family away. I need his reassurance to be able to do this & this comes & goes. During what we've gone through, he's said some crazy stuff - he didn't see it as an affair, it was an extension of his other life! You see, none of this is the man I know. He has always been loyal & trustworthy - one of life's good, good people. I wonder whether he's had some sort of depression or breakdown, or if he's been in such a fog, that he can't act rationally or even see what is right in front of his nose. I would never, ever have thought he could do this. Everyone has been shocked & stunned. He will be staying away until the end of September & then we'll see where we are. I don't know if I can make it that far - my patience is wearing thin & I just want to kick him in the ass & scream "just make your goddamn mind up!!". Do I need to shock him? Every time I mention that we should just split up, he panics.
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Yes. serve him with divorce papers. It doesn't have to go that far, but it will jolt him. Tell him - "This is to show you that I know where my mind is at. you had better get your f.uc.king act together and be a bit more decisive, because I am precious goods - but I'm not prepared to be walked on, by you. I've worked damn hard on myself - time you did the same, buddy, and stopped being a part-time man." Go on. At last - you'll know. And there isn't a word of a lie there, is there? 2
BetrayedH Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 He is not one of life's good, good people. You are not thinking rationally. Read your post again as if one of your old post friends had told you this happened to her. What would you tell her? To wait around while HE made up his mind if he wanted to be with YOU? This good man has completely twisted you up. Not your fault...it happens and it happened to me. He is not in a fog; you are. You have been betrayed in the worst way by the person who was supposed to protect you. Up is down and left is right. You honestly don't know what the truth is. He did that to you. You've lost weight, started smoking and I bet you can't sleep and it's been going on for a while. To be brief, the last thing you need to do is cling to this man. You need to do the opposite until your head is straight. Kick him out for SIX months or until you are good and ready to take HIM back for another go 'round. He'll probably come back with an STD. Get into individual counseling. Take control of your life. You have been emotionally abused and it does damage. What you are doing is not "strength." It is desperately clinging tothe shattered remains of a dead relationship and it's normal. But it's not healthy and any objective person can see it. You're just not objective, yet. You will be. You will heal. But it won't be a relationship with him that does it. It sill come from within you. Start making those decisions today. Push him towards his freedom and your own. Good luck. 3
beenburned Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Welcome, You both need to go to marriage counseling asap! I have heard that it is not possible to work on reconciling the marriage while living apart. Most WS use separation as an excuse to make more time for seeing the affair partner. It usually delays the spouses from recommitting fully to the marriage. Most men get a huge ego boost when a younger woman falls for them. It makes them feel young and like a single man again. I highly doubt the sex is any better. It is just the high they get from doing something forbidden, secret, different, being with a new partner, and the huge ego boost. Keep reading everything you can get your hands on about how affairs work. Concentrate more on the children, and get out of the house and have some fun time. If neccessary, go to the doctor and ask for some anti-depressants. Make sure you have all your financial records in order, with copies of everything in case this eventually goes to divorce court! Protect your self by having accounts in your name only and your own credit cards. Hope for the best, but be prepared in case of the worst! 2
Author marcia30 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 We did do counselling but it was rubbish - partly because he was still hiding the extent of the affair & because we both found the process a bit scripted & unhelpful. We are both in individual counselling at the moment. If he were to go back to her, then I think it is doomed to fail anyhow. Her visa to work in this country expires in December & I know that the reality of leaving his children would hurt him & affect the shine of their relationship. I'm sure that once it came out in the cold light of reality, it wouldn't make it either. His parents would never accept her as well. I am at the stage where I am ready to say enough is enough. He told me that he thought he almost got to a proper reconciliation stage but once I found the conversations, he felt so awful & like it was futile to continue. But he still kept going back & forth (not to her, just over "stay or go"). If he thinks that he will walk away from our life & find something better, I know he's in for a shock. It's almost like he's had some kind of midlife crisis & all the ego stroking he had had made his ego put of control. Made him think that another life is going to be all peachy & just perfect. I intend to tell him that if he goes off for a month to sort his head out, then it's over as far as I am concerned. I've done enough of this limbo. I will go & get some legal advice & start divorce proceedings. 6
BetrayedH Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 We did do counselling but it was rubbish - partly because he was still hiding the extent of the affair & because we both found the process a bit scripted & unhelpful. We are both in individual counselling at the moment. If he were to go back to her, then I think it is doomed to fail anyhow. Her visa to work in this country expires in December & I know that the reality of leaving his children would hurt him & affect the shine of their relationship. I'm sure that once it came out in the cold light of reality, it wouldn't make it either. His parents would never accept her as well. I am at the stage where I am ready to say enough is enough. He told me that he thought he almost got to a proper reconciliation stage but once I found the conversations, he felt so awful & like it was futile to continue. But he still kept going back & forth (not to her, just over "stay or go"). If he thinks that he will walk away from our life & find something better, I know he's in for a shock. It's almost like he's had some kind of midlife crisis & all the ego stroking he had had made his ego put of control. Made him think that another life is going to be all peachy & just perfect. I intend to tell him that if he goes off for a month to sort his head out, then it's over as far as I am concerned. I've done enough of this limbo. I will go & get some legal advice & start divorce proceedings. This ^^^^ is healthy thinking. Come back and read this when you start to falter. You deserve someone that wants you and doesn't need a month to go find himself or play single for a while. He needs to stick with his vows or be done with them. By the way, trial separations do not work. They just cause both people to detach. It loosens the connection rather than strengthening it. If you want to reconnect, you spend more time with each other. There are loads of books to help with that. And as another poster said, the vast majority of the time, a separation suggested by the wayward spouse is designed to free themselves to be with the affair partner without all of your interference. You don't deserve to be anyone's second choice. As for filing for divorce, there is no surer way to knock a wayward out of their fog (if you choose to believe in such a thing) than to be hit immediately with the cold hard reality of the consequences of their actions. The fantasy affair bubble bursts immediately. Counterintuitively, your best chance to reconcile (if that's what you want) is to file for divorce right now, today. You cannot "nice" them back. This will also help loads with your self-esteem which has taken a hit. Take your self-esteem back; take your life back. If he wants back in, he's going to have to earn it. And right now he is doing anything but. 4
Wanting1 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 He wants the separation to continue the affair out from under your thumb while keeping you on the back burner in case things don't work out with the OW. He is being a cake eater. And you are his Plan B. Tell him to make his choice now. Not in a month. Now. If he doesn't choose you, expose the affair to family and friends. This is not for revenge. This is to shine on a light on his behavior that is destroying your family. Then, file for divorce. Don't be afraid to file. Divorce is a process that can be stopped. But filing sends a powerful message that you will not be the backup plan. You will sit back while he carries on an affair, waiting for the crumbs of his affection. This is your best chance to save your marriage. He is in the affair fog. Knock him out of it by giving him hard consequences for his actions. 4
scatterd Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I am sorry to hear what you are going through. You will go through so many emotional changes through out this. I agree that you should not separate also. He needs an awakening to what he stands to loose . Seeing an attorney should wake him up and also show you your options. Let him know that you will not be his door mat and if he is with this woman at all you are done.
veryhappy Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 If her visa expires in December, and he's the one asking for a separation, his plan is to enjoy the side piece for a little more and then come back to the marriage. 3
BetrayedH Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 If her visa expires in December, and he's the one asking for a separation, his plan is to enjoy the side piece for a little more and then come back to the marriage. Yep. Nice signature line, BTW.
Author marcia30 Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 He definately isn't back in the affair, or planning on being single for a month. I know that people would be suspicious of this, but my husband is a shadow of his former self - I can see that he is probably depressed & he does regret his affair deeply. Obviously, there is always a risk that a WS could start their A back up, but I'm pretty sure he won't be doing that. I guess the hard part of all of this mess is knowing that my H acted so selfishly, and this is hard to swallow. He isn't a selfish person, but his behaviour was. I don't want to go down that path of saying that he's a bad person - I believe that good people can make REALLY bad decisions when they are in a bad place. Also, as regards to trial separations, I don't believe that one size fits all. Sometimes, separations can give some clarity to what is an emotionally difficult time. I mean that from my perspective as much as from his. If my H had form, or had given me reason to believe he was a complete ****, then I wouldn't even have tried to hang in there with this horrible situation. When I wrote this post, I was considering giving him a shock, but now I'm of the mind that I need time to think as much as he does. Do I really think I can ever put this behind me? Will I ever get what I need from him? Can I be with someone who did this to me? He knows that the ball isn't just in his court. Despite what he did, I am not a quitter, but I also know that my self-respect has to stay intact too. I have learnt a lot about myself during this - I see a woman with integrity & heaps of honesty. I also know that despite being 40, with 2 young children, I wouldn't struggle finding live again - my H needs to realise that he has a lot to lose & he has admitted that. He has completely blown his world apart by his selfish actions & he hates what he's done to me. He said that he wishes he'd never done it as just wasn't worth it. Infidelity is just about one of the worse things you can bring into a marriage & as to whether ours can survive it, I don't know. I do know that if he wants to reconcile, I will be listing my needs & that they won't be negotiable.
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Sounds like you're starting to find a path that works for you. To that end, I hope it does. It'll likely continue to be a roller coaster for you but I hear a healthy person behind the screen. Come back when you need someone's $.02
Spark1111 Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Unfortunately, for the more mature amongst us, there are spouses who do not realize, NOR appreciate what it is that they do have until it has a suitcase packed and is confidently walking out the door! I am sorry that you were depressed and are now going through this nonsense. Please realize that there are men who would have NEVER cheated on you no matter what; ESPECIALLY when you were suffering miscarriages and the resultant depression. Let him GO! Do no make yourself accessible to his emotional whining. Focus on you! Get yourself STRONG for you and YOUR CHILDREN. You need a man strong enough to be your husband and your spouse. Do not let him use your depression against you. me respond. He is either ALL IN, or with his young chippie for his own personal reasons of ego. That is not a husband or a father. That is an immature man who decided his lifetime responsibilities were too much for him and he wanted to be 17 again, ---hence the much younger woman. It is time to focus on YOU and being the best mother you can be for your children, Him? He needs to grow up. Cut him loose until he PROVES to you he can handle the responsibility. You do not want to go through this again in four or five years, do you?
Author marcia30 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 Yes, I am at the stage where I know he needs to be all in - for me more than him. We spoke again last night - he told me that he feels like he doesn't deserve someone like me because of the awful thing that he has done. I've read that this is quite common for WS. What he did was like the actions of a selfish, indulgent teenager & to bring this utter devastation into our marriage, after all the other awful things we've had to go through, is mind blowing. He acted like every WS does (they are such a bloody cliche!), and got hooked on the high of the affair - as someone who has never done such a thing, I just don't get how they can be so selfish. I guess all the ego boosting & positive mirroring make them act like a drug addict. I know he is remorseful & I know that this has eroded his confidence & made him look at himself with disgust & shame. I would never have thought it possible that he could do it really - he just never seemed the type. Now I know that there isn't a type - yes, there are the sex addicts out there, but it could happen to anyone really. We are having out month apart from today. Time for me to think too. Will I cut my losses & end my marriage? I just don't know. I think I have the capability to try to work through this with him, but I have to see a man who is 100% committed to this & who will do everything in his power to heal me, with love & reassurance. Time apart will hopefully diffuse some of the confusion....from both of us. We are both trying to get some clarity. He told me he does love me & that what we have eclipses anything that he would have had with her. I told him it was so sad that he didn't realise that before he started an affair. I can see how easy it is to forget what you get from a long term relationship when lust & attraction to someone else turns your head. People in affairs don't act rationally - they act like their sanity & integrity have left the building so to speak. I think he needs to be away from me & his family to have time to come to terms with what he's done & what it says about him as a person. But, to also gather his energy & focus for a proper reconciliation. I couldn't predict at this moment what conclusion I will come to. I may have my epiphany & realise that I don't want him anymore. I'd always put him on a pedestal - he was a man who would never cheat & lie, so now I have to see whether now this have been tainted, I can accept the man he is.
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