Invictus-x Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) Hi all, (this is gonna be a long one) I have read through the forums seeking advice, however i guess I am writing for support more than anything, as there are many similar situations like mine on here. I've known my ex for nearly a year now at work (she moved projects just over a month ago), we got together back in May, and things were great. I will be down to earth as i can be, she is an easy to get along with kinda lady, very understanding (as you will see further down) and is remarkably friendly. At first things were amazing, as they should be, meeting up, going out, seeing each other quickly in work at the end of our lunch breaks. She did her thing I did my thing. We both agreed to take things slowly, as we both have not had good experiences in our pasts taking things fast. So we agreed to see each other before announcing to the world. the first month was great, not a single thing bothered us with one or two small things. Then feelings grew between us, and I became insecure due to being hurt before. So i would start "digging at her", to me I was trying to talk things through but maybe i did come across a bit too critical. Here are some of the things I would pick at, (I Agree some are fair some are unfair) these started when her effection grew less. Silly arguments over: - Conversation via phone texting - Her tone of voice - To not saying thank you (Even to her family) - or stupid things like not replying to good night or good morning. Serious Arguments such as: - Me meeting her social circle and her not meeting mine - Lack of effection, this occurred around the same time we were moving into the actual relationship stage, and i tried to talk to her regarding this. She shows her effecting in her own way. - Always me trying to get us to go out (apparently her event arranging skills suck - Backed by her family and friends lol. but still) - Photo's of past guys, (ok i was a bit silly here, it is the past but no one wants to see pictures of the person they like kissing other guys). We had talked lots in the 4th month, how the arguing was killing us, hurting us, pushing us away, I tried to walk 5 times because I wanted it to stop and her to be happy. We was both to blame, however more so me for picking at stupid little things. My insecurity apart was stupid, my feelings had grown that much I was after re-assurance all the time, holding on tight, communicated daily. picking fights every evening, I became clingy. she wanted us and her time, i wanted us time. (Stupid i know). She even said she has done as much as she can in reassuring me, understanding me and trying to make it work, that if it carried on it would have to be over. that same weekend, i tried walking, and she cried, she wanted me to stay, wanted it to work out. told me it could I wanted the same but i was scared becuase of the way i felt, and that if i told her she would run away. Last weekend I called her when i was at a family bbq, text her and for 5 hours nothing not a reply. I was stuck at this bbq with two woman be over flirtatious and not taking no for an answer and it was pissing me off. So much so i left the party. Then my she calls and i rip into her. (not her fault but i felt soo damn bad) She is calm, tried to understand why im upset, and re-assure me. In my upset moment i flustered her, and she said she was at her mates, no her aunts. (something she does alot, says one thing but means another) So i say i dont trust her no more, without trust it over. hung up. this happens a couple of times, and then a harsh text by me, and its all over. she calls it a day (our first major argument) Next morning i travel to hers, she isnt home she stayed over her aunts that night, I spend time talking to her mum (we get along really well), and she tells me alot of the stuff behind why my now EX-GF is the way she is. I sit there in dis-belief, if she had told me sooner id have understood. Well that evening the ex txt's me, leave her alone its over, no chance we just aint right for each other. that was Sunday. Me being the dumpee contacted her all the way through until tuesday. talking to her, saying give it 2 weeks, (which is what we agreed on) we can make it work, i was silly, upset angry. still no. we reconciled, I asked for closure and it was along the lines of her telling me "i cant see my feelings changing right now, you pushed me to my limits i cant take it no more im not happy". then it blew hot n cold, nice then leave me alone, then nice then leave me alone. We last talked on tuesday, I left a few texts and asked if she had read them. left a voice mail asking to talk, not about getting back together but to be at least amicable about things. she called, said leave her alone nothing to talk about, respect what she wants, I told her ill remove her number and she replied with ummm if you think it will help. we spoke for about 5 mins, then she told me she is going into the gym to burn off her anger, we wished each other the usualy nice byee when we hang up. and that was it. That night i recieved a text saying "I'm sorry i aint been fair. I know your hurting i just reached my limit. Im sorry" I replied with, "thank you for your text, You are hurting too, I understand we all have limits, i didnt mean to push you to yours" and that has been the last exchange since. Now its NC time. friends and family are saying give her time, if she cares she will contact you, if she don't then you have your answer. What effects me at the moment are: - How we are right now becuase we was not that bad to be this hateful. - The hot and cold from her, (I know she is confused and hurt) but what does it mean? (Any lady Dumpers out there, an insight would be great... thanks) - Why is she not being amicable right now? (still angry, upset?) - Things like "right now my feelings wont change" to "right now being on friendly terms isn't possible" (What does she mean?) - And NC - As a lady and the dumper why initiate this? (Again any lady dumpers out there that initiated this and why? really appreciated) My reasons for NC (Being the guy and Dumpee) are to respect her wishes, she is possibly upset and hurting. which is why i want to call her and text to see if she is alright (although most people on here will say NO DONT DO IT!) But also to prove to her I am man enough to respect what she wants, that my life does not evolve around her and that i will continue to be myself. (even if i am hurting a heap). But also that small hope that she will be hey miss you, lets work this out. I am the sort of guy that believes in second chances, if it doesn't worth a second time round then its not ment to be. I guess what I am asking for, from either dumpee or dumper, what am i missing here? if anything at all. Is it time to collate thoughts and work out whats right, is it a ploy to sever all links and ties? (now i know everyone is different, relationships are different, feelings and so on, but an insight would be really nice) Edited August 24, 2012 by Invictus-x Too long
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 - How we are right now becuase we was not that bad to be this hateful. How you are right now, is b'broken up'. she is your ex- and you are hers. - The hot and cold from her, (I know she is confused and hurt) but what does it mean? (Any lady Dumpers out there, an insight would be great... thanks) Forget 'hot and cold' That's her problem to deal with. She is the way she is, and that's the way she is. You've broken up. That's not your problem any more. - Why is she not being amicable right now? (still angry, upset?) Actually, she's right. This is no time to be 'amicable' You've broken up. Thins should be distant and silent between you. - Things like "right now my feelings wont change" to "right now being on friendly terms isn't possible" (What does she mean?) That's the 'hot and cold' remember? Ignore it. Go No Contact, stay Np Contact. Read my Caliguy Signature/link. - And NC - As a lady and the dumper why initiate this? (Again any lady dumpers out there that initiated this and why? really appreciated) Because it works, enables a clean break and helps you move on.Providing NO Contact means precisely that.... My reasons for NC (Being the guy and Dumpee) are to respect her wishes, she is possibly upset and hurting. which is why i want to call her and text to see if she is alright (although most people on here will say NO DONT DO IT!) OK, quit contradicting yourself. NC means you DON'T call her, for whatever reason! You RESPECT someone's wishes - by complying with them, NOT by doing the exact opposite!! Damn right we'll say Don't do it - because it's actually a really dumb idea!! But also to prove to her I am man enough to respect what she wants, that my life does not evolve around her and that i will continue to be myself. (even if i am hurting a heap). Bull. The way to show here that you're "man enough to respect what she wants" is - to respect what she wants and to LEAVE HER ALONE! But also that small hope that she will be hey miss you, lets work this out. I am the sort of guy that believes in second chances, if it doesn't worth a second time round then its not ment to be. She's the one who has to break NC to tell you that - you cant invite it, expect it, or have false hopes over it. Read the NC Guide.... it's all in there..... I guess what I am asking for, from either dumpee or dumper, what am i missing here? You're missing that No Contact - means absolutely no contact whatsoever, at all, in any way shape or form.. not even via friendships with relatives. They too, sadly, have to be consigned to the NC heap.
Author Invictus-x Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) Hi Tara, Thanks for the reply i think. was more of a bollocking lol. although some fair points have been made. - Why is she not being amicable right now? (still angry, upset?) Actually, she's right. This is no time to be 'amicable' You've broken up. Thins should be distant and silent between you. When we last spoke she also wished things were amicable but sadly they cant be right now. My reasons for NC (Being the guy and Dumpee) are to respect her wishes, she is possibly upset and hurting. which is why i want to call her and text to see if she is alright (although most people on here will say NO DONT DO IT!) OK, quit contradicting yourself. NC means you DON'T call her, for whatever reason! You RESPECT someone's wishes - by complying with them, NOT by doing the exact opposite!! Damn right we'll say Don't do it - because it's actually a really dumb idea!! How have I contradicted myself? as i have no contacted her. I said i want too as i care. Not I have . But also to prove to her I am man enough to respect what she wants, that my life does not evolve around her and that i will continue to be myself. (even if i am hurting a heap). Bull. The way to show here that you're "man enough to respect what she wants" is - to respect what she wants and to LEAVE HER ALONE! I must disagree as it is not bull, my ex contacted me last and was quite nice about it. it is the nice then pissy that throws me. Either be one or the other. Have not contacted her for 3 days now and counting. There may have been some confussion here, as I was refering to me NOT contacting her. Exactly what i said, the NC is for her to initiate contact to let me know, but its the fighting to not ask if she is alright thats the difficult part. I guess im trying to find solace in answers, her family, who like me very much, said give her time and space. She may come around she may not. Its just the bad karma that isn't necassary and thats what eats at me. The weekend before last we had a really great time, although you could sense the recent petty arguements between us, I tried to sit down and talk it through with her, saying that it might be best if I called it a day, I was kind and considerate about it. I see no point in being malicious or nasty. From tears and tenderness. She explained no, that we can work why am i running away. I listened, understood and thought you know what i am running away. then she decides to drop a bomb on me. Ok i hurt her, we hurt each other. but relationships are supposed to be resilliant to last. Edited August 24, 2012 by Invictus-x out of sync
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Oh my goodness, never talk about Karma to a Buddhist !! People always get it wrong!! Karma does not punish, it's not retribution, justice or a kick in the ass!! It's just a process.... Karma' means "VOLITIONAL action". It's what you're doing, not what happens to you!! Karma, quite literally means you get "punished" BY your actions - Not FOR them.... BIG difference!! ...but relationships are supposed to be resilliant to last. Only if you both want the same things, and are willing to work hard - on a daily basis - for them to be resilient. If you guys are not on the same page - and clearly, unfortunately, you're not - quit bailing the sinking boat. You're up to your knees already, and fighting a losing battle....
Recommended Posts