Tempted to cheat...

[TaraMaiden]

It sounds like you need to do your wife a favor and end it with her.

 

he needs to do US a favour and end it with her....

 

Good advice?

 

Waste of time.

 

He's teflon-coated, nothing's sticking.

[aanderson088]

Do you mind telling me what happened?

 

Telling you what happened... about? After the cheating? Well, she gave me the chance to come clean with EVERYTHING. So I did. We were doing great for a couple of weeks. She had access to my facebook and my email addresses, cell phone, etc. I didn't mind for a little while, but where I went wrong (again) was when I started getting defensive and telling her I wouldn't follow the rules we set because I didn't need to.

 

She was making a tremendous effort for us and I was too selfish and arrogant to realize it. I tried to victimize myself and say she was overbearing and suspicious constantly, when she wasn't. The scales were tipped in her favor, yes, but they were supposed to be.

 

I ****ed up and now she's gone. I HOPE not but I think for good.

 

Just don't do it. Break up with her, try to stay away from girls. If you're a bad person, which I doubt you are, then you won't give a heck when or if you cheat.

 

I genuinely wish I could remove that from my knowledge, know that I'm a cheater...

[losingmyground]

Well, first off, I've never cheated on any of my past relationships ever. So I'm proud of that fact.

 

That is great, but you are now cheating, even if it is only an EA.

 

At the same time, I feel really torn here because the attraction to this girl is so strong. I think the best plan of action at this point is to try to keep it from going over to anything inappropriate while trying to find out more of what her personality is like because that's the major problem with initial attractions, you dont really see their flaws until you're dealing with them on a constant basis.

 

The best plan of action is to quit while your ahead. You are way to involved as it is.

 

I do want to stay commited in my relationship and do not want to cheat, but at the same time, I really wonder if I'm missing out on someone that would really be amazingly compatible.

 

You have had 9 yrs to figure out if your wife is compatible with you. If you guys do not have kids, then get a divorce. You are not mature enough to handle marriage. You are supposed to take your wife for better or worse. To never let another person come between you. If you cannot do this than leave. It may hurt her now, but she will look on you with respect later. Continue with the affair and she will find out. Then she will just think you are a piece of ****.

[Negative Nancy]

I've been married for nearly a year now, although we've been together for 9 years. Our relationship is good. Although there has always been some issues that have caused friction.

 

Lately, I've met a new woman in my life and she seems to be everything that I've always been looking for. So far, we've flirted and there is mutual attraction. I also have amazing conversations with her, the type I have never had with my wife. I am also extremely sexually attracted to this new woman and she is a bombshell.

 

don't worry, you are completely normal, it happens to every man eventually. just go for it and dump your dutiful ol' wife, better now than later.

 

this story here is the exact stuff I'm always talking about.

[rockinhenck]

My wife and I seperated today.

 

I didn't start anything with the other woman. In fact, I have distanced myself. I plan to be alone for a while to figure things out.

 

It was a very painful breakup. She was very strong but brokenhearted. I told her I was not happy in the marriage and needed to be single to figure things out. I wanted to at least respect her and not cheat on her down the road, and I told her that.

 

I feel like crap right now. Although this was the right thing to do, it was very difficult to see the pain I caused her. I think I'm just going to stay single for a long time just to figure things out in life.

[kae]

yeah buddy. the truth is you are attracted to a persona/facade .. it takes time to really know someone. at work every is on their best behaviour.. everyone is pretty... every is peachy. Reality always bites. it`s boring..ya. don`t be childish - get out of your head man!!! stay HOME!

[worldgonewrong]

Respect the woman you married, for God's sake.

 

"amazingly compatible" is shorthand for sex. let's just cut to the chase.

 

The world is filled with other women, all bursting with potential, all of them NOT your wife. So, two options: be a man, and honor your commitment to your wife. or be a boy, and chase tail and get punished like a boy.

[2long]

My wife and I seperated today.

 

Good for her.

 

I didn't start anything with the other woman. In fact, I have distanced myself. I plan to be alone for a while to figure things out.

 

Hopefully, when you have figured things out, your wife will have long since figured things out and won't have anything 2 do with you.

 

It was a very painful breakup. She was very strong but brokenhearted. I told her I was not happy in the marriage and needed to be single to figure things out.

 

Of course you weren't happy. You don't know what it is.

 

I wanted to at least respect her and not cheat on her down the road, and I told her that.

 

Hopefully, "down the road", it won't matter 2 her what you do.

 

I feel like crap right now.

 

Relax, anybody with a milligram of conscience would feel like crap if they'd done what you did.

 

Although this was the right thing to do, it was very difficult to see the pain I caused her.

 

So why did you do it? Oh, right, "because I'm not happy"

 

I think I'm just going to stay single for a long time just to figure things out in life.

 

A wise choice. Why not become a monk?

 

-ol' 2long

[whichwayisup]

It's a shame that you're throwing away a pretty good marriage without giving it your best, doing counselling on your own and also going to marriage counselling with your wife. Just hope you don't regret this decision one day, look back and wish that you'd done more to save your marriage instead of walk away from it.. over what? Confusion because you got attracted to someone else? Let friction and arguments kill what you two shared, enough that after six years together, you decided to get married - One year into the marriage, you're ready to bail..

 

I can't remember, do you two have children?

[sofedupwiththis]

this is my advice: you are separated now. take that time to go back to the dating phase and see why you married your wife in the first place. that could be beneficial. and it will help you get a good perspective on what you really want.

Edited September 11, 2012 by sofedupwiththis

[2long]

this is my advice: you are separated now. take that time to go back to the dating phase and see why you married your wife in the first place. that could be beneficial. and it will help you get a good perspective on what you really want.

 

What if she doesn't want 2 date him?

 

Look, if he's so ready and willing 2 throw away his marriage, how long do you really think she'll want 2 try 2 repair it? Repair what? What did the marriage ever mean 2 him if he's willing 2 toss it all 2 "figure things out"?

 

-ol' 2long

[jmargel]

2long, I think you are being way too harsh on the OP. He has some issues he needs to figure out, putting him down is not going to help anything.

 

For the OP: Before you decided to seperate from your wife, how come you did not try counseling? Being 'on your own' without any sort of guidance or help is not going to solve your issue. You are pushing away from the issue actually.

 

There are a number of reasons that got you involved with that other chick, however that doesn't make you a bad person. I believe if you start counseling and keep an open line of communication with your wife that you can actually not only be with your wife but have that bond again.

 

Remember when you first met your wife, how amazing she was. Remember about the times you could not help but think about her and what the future holds for you too.. Remember all the great times you had together. Remember the things that attracted you to her.

 

Also remember that when you get too comfortable with someone you can easily take them for granted.

[JamesM]

My wife and I seperated today.

 

This may be for the best...for both of you. She will get counsel and advice from others to stay away from you because if after one year of marriage you cannot stay faithful, then after five/ten/twenty years it will only be more hurtful for her.

 

You will be told that you lost the best person for you.

 

I didn't start anything with the other woman. In fact, I have distanced myself. I plan to be alone for a while to figure things out.

 

What do you need to figure out? If you love your wife? When you get back together and a year from now a beautiful "pale" redhead is attractive to you, will you separate again or decide to stay committed?

 

It was a very painful breakup. She was very strong but brokenhearted. I told her I was not happy in the marriage and needed to be single to figure things out. I wanted to at least respect her and not cheat on her down the road, and I told her that.

 

Did you let her know that you prefer blondes? Remember...you are NOT single. You are still married. So is she. However, if you date again, then so may she. And be prepared...she may find a man who prefers Asians to blondes.

 

I feel like crap right now.

 

Good. The question is why? Because you hurt her? Because you are not sure what decision to make? Why?

 

Although this was the right thing to do,

 

Why is it the right thing to do? Married couples don't usually separate whenever a crush overtakes them. I promise that you will be obsessed by more infatuations. After 22 years, I still get a crush or two now and then. But I know that with time everyone goes away UNLESS I pursue it, which I haven't.

 

it was very difficult to see the pain I caused her.

 

Good, Remember that pain. The question remains if she will ever come back to a man who caused her pain so early in her marriage.

 

 

I think I'm just going to stay single for a long time just to figure things out in life.

 

Repeat after me...YOU ARE NOT SINGLE!! YOU ARE MARRIED!! Until you legally get divorced, then you are legally married. This means that you cannot date someone unless she has given permission, and even then technically, you must stay faithful. Separation is a time to figure things out by yourself. It is not a time to become a playboy, have sex with redheads and blondes, and then return to your ever faithful and caring wife.

 

I did get sarcastic a couple of times, and I apologize. Please remember that if you are this conflicted after one year of marriage, then when figuring things out, decide if in another year you will feel the same way.

[rockinhenck]

This may be for the best...for both of you. She will get counsel and advice from others to stay away from you because if after one year of marriage you cannot stay faithful, then after five/ten/twenty years it will only be more hurtful for her.

 

You will be told that you lost the best person for you.

 

 

Im alone now and Im already being told this by people who know about our issues.

 

What do you need to figure out? If you love your wife? When you get back together and a year from now a beautiful "pale" redhead is attractive to you, will you separate again or decide to stay committed?

 

Well, my wife is probably as pale as most redheads. But anyways, the problem is that before I met her, I was a bit of a playboy and although I've been faithful to her all these years, it hasnt been easy to fall back into old ways and flirt and feel attraction to pretty females.

 

Did you let her know that you prefer blondes? Remember...you are NOT single. You are still married. So is she. However, if you date again, then so may she. And be prepared...she may find a man who prefers Asians to blondes.

 

No, I didnt. Its really sort of irrelevant because I have preferences for different looks at different times. Its just that the place I work in has a lot of attractive blonde girls working there, so obviously they have grabbed my attention. The main point is that I have a hard time keeping myself away from attractive females period. If we do end up divorcing, I'd wish the best for her and hope she finds a great guy of any stripe.

 

Good. The question is why? Because you hurt her? Because you are not sure what decision to make? Why?

 

Both. I am just trying to spend time alone now to figure things out.

 

 

Why is it the right thing to do? Married couples don't usually separate whenever a crush overtakes them. I promise that you will be obsessed by more infatuations. After 22 years, I still get a crush or two now and then. But I know that with time everyone goes away UNLESS I pursue it, which I haven't.

 

Perhaps. I have to figure it out.

 

 

 

Repeat after me...YOU ARE NOT SINGLE!! YOU ARE MARRIED!! Until you legally get divorced, then you are legally married. This means that you cannot date someone unless she has given permission, and even then technically, you must stay faithful. Separation is a time to figure things out by yourself. It is not a time to become a playboy, have sex with redheads and blondes, and then return to your ever faithful and caring wife.

 

Thats true, and thats what Im trying to do right now.

 

I did get sarcastic a couple of times, and I apologize. Please remember that if you are this conflicted after one year of marriage, then when figuring things out, decide if in another year you will feel the same way.

 

Your advice was helpful. Right now we are apart and I have told her I need a few weeks to figure this out, then when I am ready, I'd like us to talk about it. Although I do know that the more time I spend away, the more likely she will resent me, and the harder it will be to rebuild the trust that we had. We had a good thing and a strong relationship all these years, and I turned her world upside down and I know she is probably both sad and angry because of it. At this point, I just feel emotionally numb and unsure about what to do.

Edited September 11, 2012 by rockinhenck

[rockinhenck]

2long, I think you are being way too harsh on the OP. He has some issues he needs to figure out, putting him down is not going to help anything.

 

For the OP: Before you decided to seperate from your wife, how come you did not try counseling? Being 'on your own' without any sort of guidance or help is not going to solve your issue. You are pushing away from the issue actually.

 

There are a number of reasons that got you involved with that other chick, however that doesn't make you a bad person. I believe if you start counseling and keep an open line of communication with your wife that you can actually not only be with your wife but have that bond again.

 

Remember when you first met your wife, how amazing she was. Remember about the times you could not help but think about her and what the future holds for you too.. Remember all the great times you had together. Remember the things that attracted you to her.

 

Also remember that when you get too comfortable with someone you can easily take them for granted.

 

Thanks for your understanding. Although I do feel that being alone has helped calm me and helped me step back from this whole situation, I do agree that I should have an open line of communication. We have communicated briefly a couple times though not extensively.

 

Now that she is gone, it has helped me realize many of the things I took for granted while she was with me. Also, she was and still is a very beautiful and attractive woman, and I've often found many guys trying to hit on her or leer at her, but for many years, I've just taken her for granted since we've been together a while. I think it's important for me to be reminded of what I shouldn't take for granted.

[rockinhenck]

I'm curious, were you pressured by family to marry an Asian woman? I ask this because I have a good friend who's family was very adamant that she marry within her race (Chinese). She didn't, and married a blonde haired, blue eyed, farm boy from Iowa, disappointing the family, but marrying who she wanted and loved. Just wonder if that was/is a factor in your story.

 

No. My parents loved my ex-gf who was White. Although they did prefer I marry someone of my own heritage, they never pressured me. Even if they did, it wouldnt matter anyways as I hardly ever listen to them.

 

No, it was not a factor. I liked my wife because she was beautiful, sexy, honest, classy and had a good sense of humor.

Edited September 11, 2012 by rockinhenck

[Charlie Harper]

I find it weird that some people come here and expose their problems and everyone jumps and SHOUTS divorce, separate don't do this and do this instead, then comes the OP and says I have separated or D, and along come more criticism ...DAmmed if you do , Dammed if you don't....

 

My advice is that maybe you were not a marriage fit person, it happens to guys who are attractive and are liked by women al the time, some marry the perfect girl and live tighter 75 years but the vast majority have only 2 other choices : Divorce because of cheating when you want to return to the old ways, or play the field for so long that you end up bored or find the super woman that will keep you for 75 years.

 

Dont hang up with the lady you like you already are involved with her and you need to be alone and out of a relationship to clear your mind and see what will you do next.

Tons of guys break a relationship/marriage/affair/whatever to enter another right away THAT IS A BIG MISTAKE. Learn about yourself, find out what you need and be honest with that.

My .02

[rockinhenck]

Well good luck.

 

You said you had an eight year courtship before getting married about a year ago.

 

To me, an eight year courtship is so lengthy that it suggests to me you never really wanted to marry her. Perhaps you kept putting it off but finally felt the family pressures or pressures from your wife to make it official.

 

You stuck it out for a year but you never really wanted to marry her.

 

You may have a couple of pangs of regret if your beautiful wife ends up moving on quicker than you do after this, though. Even if you don't think you want to stay married, you still might get jealous of other men she might decide to be with.

 

I don't sense any guilt or remorse from you, more of a sense of some obligation to your wife.

 

Listen, just because you ended up dating her for 8 years didn't obligate you to marry her, and you're not obligated to stay married to her.

 

It's a shame that somehow you felt yourself pressured into marrying her which was evidently a big mistake. I'll bet your respective families put a LOT of social pressure on the both of you to get married.

 

Just judging from your posts you don't really want to stay married, you're just trying to figure out the best way to terminate things.

 

I wouldn't waste any time or money on marital counseling at all since you have no real thirst to stay married.

 

Just cut your losses, and her losses, file for divorce, make it as amicable as possible, and you can both move on.

 

If she asks "why" I'm not sure there is a very good answer since the truth if it's "Well I never really wanted to marry you in the first place, why do you think I procrastinated for eight years?" is probably not going to make her feel too good.

 

But I suspect it to be somewhere in the vicinity of the truth.

 

There may be a remnant of truth in that, but honestly more of the pressure came from her family. But it didnt really effect me because I'm not one too easily influenced by social pressures. I didn't marry her because of that. When I got married, I honestly wanted to marry her and start a life with her, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten married.

 

I've read that it is common to experience depression right after marriage. I'm not sure if that is what Im going through coupled with attraction to this other girl, or a longing of past glory days that may never return. Although I find it very hard to resist a very attractive woman lavishing attention on you, and I think many guys would have the same problem.

 

You are right that I do feel a sense of obligation to her. But I also think I should probably work on repairing things as there were many years where I truly was committed. It may be because I am feeling a lot of confusion and also depression right now that I am being wreckless, but I also find it difficult to just call it quits without really trying to fix things.

[rockinhenck]

I find it weird that some people come here and expose their problems and everyone jumps and SHOUTS divorce, separate don't do this and do this instead, then comes the OP and says I have separated or D, and along come more criticism ...DAmmed if you do , Dammed if you don't....

 

My advice is that maybe you were not a marriage fit person, it happens to guys who are attractive and are liked by women al the time, some marry the perfect girl and live tighter 75 years but the vast majority have only 2 other choices : Divorce because of cheating when you want to return to the old ways, or play the field for so long that you end up bored or find the super woman that will keep you for 75 years.

 

Dont hang up with the lady you like you already are involved with her and you need to be alone and out of a relationship to clear your mind and see what will you do next.

Tons of guys break a relationship/marriage/affair/whatever to enter another right away THAT IS A BIG MISTAKE. Learn about yourself, find out what you need and be honest with that.

My .02

 

Honestly, I think you may be on to something. I think I'm a bit wiser now about relationships since Im in my early 30's. Perhaps if I had the same insight I do now, I may not have been in a relationship as long as I had. Tonight, I was hanging out with some friends and there was a cute blonde and we had a great time clicking and she obviously was interested as she asked me out to an outing with just her and me. I felt guilty obviously since I am still married, so I just found a way to politely refuse her. But it's pretty hard to fight your natural instinct when you are constantly finding attractive girls that show mutual attraction. At the same time, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt just being out with friends and being attracted to some other girl while my wife is probably living in total anguish right now.

[rockinhenck]

"liked", interesting choice of words in this context

 

Well, I said liked because I was describing why I was initially attracted to her. Obviously, I did fall in love with her and I still love her, but I do feel that the passion is gone from our relationship as tends to happen after several years together. Im not sure if what Im feeling right now is also a factor of being depressed that I'd never feel that passion towards someone again?

[rockinhenck]

I'm going to interpret "no passion" as "lack of sexual chemistry."

 

This would fit in with taking 8 years to get married, also with your wandering eye.

 

She could be the most beautiful etc. woman in the world but if the sexual chemistry is lacking there will always be something missing.

 

There are only a few important issues which destroy relationships--one of those is lack of primary sexual chemistry--I will use the word "lust," not "passion."

 

When you lust after your partner, you may still "look" at other attractive women but you can't wait to get home to your wife so you can make love to her.

 

Maybe things have gotten boring sexually after nine years.

 

Maybe there are certain fantasies or sexual acts you would like her to do which she won't--either out of preference or perhaps because the communication level between you two isn't what it should be.

 

Whatever itch you have, she obviously isn't scratching it.

 

If you really want to try to save this marriage, and if sexual dissatisfaction of some kind is at the root of the problem, then you really have to sit down with your wife and lay that out for her as clearly as possible.

 

At least give her a chance to up her sexual game.

 

It may be things that you are embarrassed to talk about. It may be things that you are afraid to talk about so as not to hurt her feelings.

 

You like blonde women? Your wife isn't a natural blonde? Maybe you should ask her to dye her hair platinum blonde. Might she be "offended"? Yes, but maybe not, and if the alternative is cheating or divorce...you really have nothing to lose.

 

And maybe she will say "Sure. What took you so long to ask?"

 

I'm going to pass on asking her to dye her hair blonde. lol There's nothing I hate more than an Asian woman with blonde hair, its just so unnatural and trashy, and indicates some level of self-loathing and insecurity. I think East Asian women are most beautiful when they have their natural black hair alongside their pale complexion.

 

Lately, I've liked Blondes because my office is full of hot Blonde girls. There was a phase where I mostly lusted after Asian girls, or Latina girls, even Persians or Black girls. So it's not really that I particularly only want Blondes, but its because at this point in time, I'm distracted by a lot of hot blondes on a daily basis, that its hard not fantasizing about them. Honestly, I've got a really bad wandering eye and I just really love flirting and being around attractive women. Before I met her, I routinely dated about three women at a time and if you put them all together, it would've looked like the United Nations, which isnt hard considering how diverse California is. There are loads of beautiful women of every stripe. I think it says a lot that I loved my wife so much that I have been able to just stay put all these years and been pretty faithful.

 

But anyways, I think sexual chemistry might be an issue. In the first few years we were together, we had a ton of sexual chemistry. My wife is a very beautiful woman with nice features and is quite busty and tall, especially for an Asian girl, so she has a lot of sex appeal. Sometimes we would have sex five times an evening. In the past few years, its gone down significantly. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she's a lot more inhibited and there are a lot of sexual acts that she is not comfortable with, and sometimes would get angry or suspicious if I brought it up (maybe she'd suspect I was looking at porn, etc). This has led to a great deal of frustration for me, and its made me pretty much zone out as far as looking to have sex with her. Nowadays, I rarely initiate anything and although shes too conservative to initiate most of the time, she does get frustrated and question why we dont have sex as often. I've honestly told her that I found our sex life boring, but did not bring up any suggestions, and she didn't really either, so perhaps its a major communication issue. But sexual chemistry and lust is probably a factor here, and when we do get to talking, I think it will definitely be on the agenda. Thanks for the tip.

Edited September 12, 2012 by rockinhenck

[Spark1111]

All great advice.

 

Congrats on separating. That took courage.

 

Now you will have to see if you have the courage to communicate your needs and repair your marriage if someone else doesn't come along and sweep her off of her feet with their attraction to her.

 

Everyone grows bored in a marriage, sexually and emotionally. Everyone.

 

I see you are often attracted to other women, which is normal. Women are also attracted to other men. Also normal.

 

But you blog about it. You have been in a long-term relationship and then marriage for most of your 20s.

 

Did you have an opportunity to date a lot before this relationship?

 

Because if you were pressured to perform academically, or to strive only for a good job, and never availed yourself of many relationships before picking the one to settle down with, you may always suffer from the grass is greener syndrone.

 

Today called, the Tiger Woods Syndrome.

 

Also known as too emotionally immature to commit a lifetime to one person. The resentments build as to what and who you did not experience romantically and sexually as a younger man.

 

You may need to explore this in therapy. However, do NOT continue to project your resentment and unhappiness upon your wife.

 

She was apparently very happy with her decision to marry you! Your resentments NOW are most likely not her fault entirely. You CHOSE to marry her. You did not have to.

 

Get busy. The world is full of people who made good choices for perhaps the wrong reason.

 

You do not want to be an old man later in life with the wrong woman, or many wrong women, or alone always wishing you had another chance with a woman who seemingly loved you for you, black, blonde, or red-haired.

[rockinhenck]

It was not meant by me as a joke. You said you are attracted to blondes. Plenty of women specifically dye their hair blonde because they know a significant subset of men find blonde hair especially attractive.

 

At least by asking her to dye her hair blonde, you give your wife a chance to try to fulfill one of your desires.

 

Making a joke out of the very idea of it suggests you are uncomfortable and perhaps don't really see your wife as a proper object of your most basic lustful desires. (The Madonna/Wh*re complex?)

 

 

 

 

 

"Trashy" is a very interesting word for you to use, in this context. "Trashy" is sort of the negative/judgmental "spin" one might say instead of "incredibly sexy."

 

Most men love for their women to wear "trashy/sexy" lingerie in the bedroom. In fact there is another thread somewhere in loveshack going on right now on this topic where a woman is hesitate to wear "trashy" lingerie and all the men who are posting are urging her to do it.

 

Whether or not it's "unnatural" is almost beside the point. Women do lots of things to improve their appearance that's "unnatural." The only relevant question is "Does it work?" The mere fact that you would call it "trashy" means on some level the idea turns you on.

 

Lots of men would call black garters, fishnets, a corset and g string a "trashy" outfit but would love to see their wives in it in the bedroom.

 

 

 

 

You obviously have little or no conception of how many women dye their hair.

 

Did it ever occur to you that a good number of those "blonde women" you see at work, and are turned on by, are only blonde courtesy of Clairol? Probably not.

 

 

 

 

 

This is not about making statements of political correctness, this is about trying to save your marriage by figuring out what really turns you on, and if there is little cost to trying something out, you try it, if you want to save your marriage.

 

There is at least a chance that your wife dyeing her hair blonde would turn you on, simply because you think of it as unnatural and trashy.

 

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, she can always let it grow out.

 

I guess suggesting that you try other ways to change things up in the bedroom such as some new sex toys, lingerie, techniques, would be totally pointless too, because that would be too "trashy" also?

 

 

 

 

 

As an experiment, the next time you go into the office, do a survey, look closely at each of these "blondes," and see how many of them have blue eyes (be sure to ask whether they are wearing colored contacts).

 

I'll bet at least half the "blonde" women in your office dye their hair that way. Because they know a lot of men think blonde women are "hot."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ergo, if you want to save your marriage, it's worth asking your wife to dye her hair blonde. Maybe you will find it a real turn on to have a so called "trashy blonde hot wife." Of course she has the freedom to say "no" but at least you can ask. And as long as you are asking be honest about it. "I want you to dye your hair blonde because I find blondes hot and attractive and I think it would inject some much-needed sexual trashiness into our relationship."

 

Sure it might not work. But if it does, you just saved your marriage for the cost of a bottle of hair coloring.

 

 

 

 

 

In other words, you're a typical male. It's OK and natural to get turned on and horny when surrounded by beautiful women all day, but then the object is to take that libido home and have good hard sexual relations with your wife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That was nine years ago. Listen, you are just bored. Lots of relationships hit a slump after a few years, it's called the seven year itch.

 

That's why you need to think about things like asking your wife to dye her hair, etc. It takes work to maintain a relationship.

 

You have to take your wife off the pedestal and treat her not just like your wife, but like one of these girls you are fantasizing about. It's not trashy and it's not wrong. You need to open your mind up.

 

You married your wife for a reason, she has a lot of great qualities. None of the other women you have ever met had that exact combination that made them worthy of an eight year relationship + marriage.

 

It sounds like you have gotten very lazy in your relationship. You take your wife for granted because you have her, she's there, and she loves you.

 

Those other women, those hot blondes, all seem very alluring to you precisely because they are "off limits."

 

To me there is nothing as satisfying and intense as having an ultimate sexual experience with your life partner, the woman you KNOW really loves you.

 

Why is that not worth anything to you?

 

I think it's because like a lot of other married men your wife is on a pedestal. It's impossible to you to think of her as being capable of being the "trashy blonde sex goddess."

 

It would be a real shame to throw what you have in the garbage over some fantasies about women that you don't even know. A crying shame. You haven't said there's anything at all about your wife that is lacking, so the only thing it CAN possibly be is some sort of sexual incompatibility or problem.

 

Assuredly if she was rocking you socks off in the bedroom there is no way you would be having these issues. Not to mention is she's not rocking your socks off, you're probably not rocking hers off--it works both ways.

 

Sexual incompatibility issues can be fixed if both partners are open and willing to it. You seem closed to it, and we don't know how your wife feels about it, but it sounds like you don't even think you could talk to her about this stuff. Like you are afraid to even mention dyeing her hair blonde (or any other kick it up a notch sexual ideas) as you are afraid she will think you some kind of un-PC racist. You have to get over those hang ups in order to have absolutely honest communication with your wife.

 

It would be a real shame to divorce your wife if a bottle of Clairol could fix things. Normally it's not quite that easy, but if both partners are willing, sexual issues are fixable in many cases. A lot of times it boils down to embarassment and shame, the partners don't feel comfortable talking to each other talking about this stuff.

 

I was married for many many years to my wife before even starting to talk honestly about sexual things with her. It sounds stupid I know, especially since we were having sex with each other, but it's not uncommon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's right. You do love her. She loves you. You are in the early/mid marriage "slump" which is very common. You have to up your game, as does she. You have to honestly communicate with each other. You have to break out of your comfort zone and try some new things which will boost the sexual desire even if you are uncomfortable trying them. I am not talking about anything radical such as an open marriage or wife swapping.

 

I'll bet it would help the two of you to spend some time with a sex therapist since the only reason being given for the marital problems relates to your sexual fantasies which you declare your wife incapable of fulfilling, without even talking about it with her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It sounds like you have filet mignon but even filet mignon gets boring after a while if you have it every night for 9 years.

 

Not to insult you, but you are INSANE to give up a woman like this without doing EVERYTHING in your power to fix this! You just don't see the insanity because you are immersed in it.

 

Not only does she sound perfect in appearance and every other way you've described her, she has all the other good qualities in a life partner, plus she LOVES you.

 

You are discounting all this because you are totally taking her for granted.

 

You may be the world's greatest player but assuming you will get another shot at this, that you will find some other woman that you are actually so compatible with, is a self-destructive fantasy.

 

In addition to sexual therapy, it sounds like you need individual counseling/IC and MC/marital counseling.

 

You really need to figure out why you have such a self-destructive impulse--contemplating blowing up a marriage to what sounds like the "perfect woman" (obviously she must have some flaws, we all do) for....nothing at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I knew it. This isn't uncommon either. She will need to up her game sexually, too. There is a significant sexual incompatibility which isn't just her hair color. That's not uncommon at all.

 

 

 

 

You should start watching porn with her. Try to find out what turns her on. Then do it. If you can turn her on enough maybe she will try some new things with you.

 

 

 

 

O.K. so the real issue in your marriage is that there is significant sexual incompatibility and probably a total lack of communication both ways re: sexual needs, due to shame or for other reasons, which sounds like you are not even having sex with her anymore, or at least not very frequently.

 

Your marriage needs to be in the intensive care unit (obviously) but that means you and your wife need to be willing to go to therapy because if there is anger associated with honestly communicating about sexual issues, as you say there is, you both need a neutral third party to help you navigate this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Major is an understatement. Unfortunately as the man in the relationship and being the one ready to pull the trigger on cheating or a divorce, it's up to you to speak with her honestly. You're both frustrated. Someone has to bring up ideas. Counseling as I've suggested is an obvious need.

 

Like I said you are both coming from a place of sexual shame which is not uncommon but don't throw it all away just because this is difficult. Directing your energies outside the marriage is a huge mistake which a lot of people in your position make.

 

You don't have to reinvent the wheel. There is a way of being caring and loving when suggesting things to spice up a relationship. Do you still love her? Does she still love you? Then the two of you have to have the courage to overcome your respective shame, together, and try anything you can to get through this together.

 

If not, for both of you, these issues will repeat in any future relationship! If you can't communicate honestly with your wife whom you have known 9 years about sexual topics, there is no reason to believe the same thing won't happen in your next serious relationship. The same applies to your wife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're welcome. You're not going through anything that many many many other married couples go through at some point. If you keep the focus on each other and the value of the marriage, you can get through it and make your marriage better than it ever was, but it will take a lot of hard work on both parts (a lot of the work can be fun though).

 

Don't give up something very valuable without trying everything you possibly can, though.

 

Re-commit to your marriage 100%. You will be glad you did.

 

Hey, thanks for your comments, I think they are really helpful.

 

BTW, I think you took my "trashy" comment the wrong way. I don't think blonde women are trashy. When White women dye their hair blonde, its different because White women NATURALLY have blonde hair. When an Asian woman does it, it looks very unnatural and forced. It doesnt look classy. It looks like they are insecure or has some self-loathing issues about their ethnicity. Ive never been attracted to Asian girls with dyed blonde hair, the Asian types Im attracted to are the ones with long black hair with a pale complexion.

 

The blonde girls at my office are natural looking and a couple may have died their hair blonde, but they look very sexy and natural. I am more attracted to the wholesome girl next door look, and many of them have that. Also, I do not equate trashy with sexy.

 

But otherwise, the rest of your comments really make sense and its helped me come to terms with why there's been a disconnect in our relationship for quite a while. Yes, its very difficult to broach this subject, and I've done in partly, but never in a mature method of communication. She is more conservative than I am, so I am always mindful of that when talking about sex and maybe that's why I've felt it has been so uncomfortable to talk about my sexual frustrations with her because of my fears that she may suspect that I am watching porn (which I do occassionally and she's very judgemental of that), or that I am leering at other women (which she is sensitive to as well). So those are the main reasons why I've felt very uncomfortable broaching these private issues with her, but now I realize that in order to have a healthy marriage, this is something that we need to do. I still have a lot of issues to think about but when her and I finally have that talk, this will definitely be one of the issues. Thanks again.

[rockinhenck]

All great advice.

 

Congrats on separating. That took courage.

 

Now you will have to see if you have the courage to communicate your needs and repair your marriage if someone else doesn't come along and sweep her off of her feet with their attraction to her.

 

Everyone grows bored in a marriage, sexually and emotionally. Everyone.

 

I see you are often attracted to other women, which is normal. Women are also attracted to other men. Also normal.

 

But you blog about it. You have been in a long-term relationship and then marriage for most of your 20s.

 

Did you have an opportunity to date a lot before this relationship?

 

Because if you were pressured to perform academically, or to strive only for a good job, and never availed yourself of many relationships before picking the one to settle down with, you may always suffer from the grass is greener syndrone.

 

Today called, the Tiger Woods Syndrome.

 

Also known as too emotionally immature to commit a lifetime to one person. The resentments build as to what and who you did not experience romantically and sexually as a younger man.

 

You may need to explore this in therapy. However, do NOT continue to project your resentment and unhappiness upon your wife.

 

She was apparently very happy with her decision to marry you! Your resentments NOW are most likely not her fault entirely. You CHOSE to marry her. You did not have to.

 

Get busy. The world is full of people who made good choices for perhaps the wrong reason.

 

You do not want to be an old man later in life with the wrong woman, or many wrong women, or alone always wishing you had another chance with a woman who seemingly loved you for you, black, blonde, or red-haired.

 

Thanks for the good advice. Before I met my wife, I did have a good amount of experience with women, otherwise I probably could not have been dedicated to her for so long. She has only been my second long term relationship. Other women I've dated have been casual flings or short term relationships.

 

She does have a lot of good qualities, and honestly, I know she is someone I can always count on and trust in. Right now, a lot of the trust is shattered and I do feel it can be rebuilt but it will take time. I will also need self-discipline in distancing myself away from getting to close to other women, and that is very difficult because when I'm around a pretty girl who is flirtatious, I just have the killer instinct and want to go in for the kill. But I really have to stand back and just really maintain self-control if I am serious about staying married, and I realize that now. I've got to be mindful of boundaries. At the same time, communication between us has really died down and I think thats a main cause of the distance and disconnect thats grown between my wife and I. These are all things to think about, thanks for your advice.

[rockinhenck]

abelincoln,

 

BTW, are you a counselor or a psychiatrist, your insight is pretty impressive. I've always had a self-destructive side of me, and that was a major issue with my first relationship who was also a great catch but I ultimately ended it because of many things I wasn't satisfied or happy about. I do realize I have this destructive side and it seems beyond my control because my dissatisfaction and unhappiness ends up consuming me, and I destroy something that was truly beautiful. I did that with my first relationship (although I do not regret it as we were both quite young and I probably would not have been happy or matured if we stayed in it), but now I am fearing I am doing it with my marriage too.