Please Help Me

[Liss77]

Okay, it took me alot of courage to write this but I need help. heres my quick run down. Please be honest but not to hurtful I am distraught enough

I was married to my husband for 4 years together for 10 years. the last 2 years I had no sexual urge to be with him and he drank and always had friends over but he was a good provider and faithful. We have a 3 and half year old son. Anyway a year and a half ago I pursued a legal seperation because I met a man at work who also had trouble in his marriage and has been married for 16 years and has a 8 year old son. So we fell in love, my husband moved out and 3 mo. later this man moved in. He lived with me for 5 months but I had guilt and tried working things out with my husband. My husband and I seperated again after 3 weeks because my heart was with this other man.

 

So again i started talking to this man who was SO devestated that I left but took me back. He told me he had an apartment but I had doubts so finally May 2, 2004 I drove to his house where he lived with his wife (now mind u he moved out in October of 2003 we started talking again December 2003 and I thought until May2 he was "in an apartment) what did I see? his van at his house. He told me he was sorry that he just is trying to get the balls to tell his son that daddy is leaving again (so he can be with me) He tells me his wife and him have no relationship because he is with me 6 days a week till 10 pm and that he is just there for his son.

 

Why I am hurt is because I can't deal anymore its now July and we fight so much because I keeping asking what is taking so long to leave. We are SO happy together, we are together all the time. We have this attraction that is unbearable BUT he is living home. I am a beautiful girl I know I can be with anyone but this is my 1st relationship since my husband I am only 27 he is 38. I know I am a strong woman I sing, I write music, I own my own place, my son means the world to me BUT WHY did I get played? I thought he had his own apartment I would of never went back to him if I knew he was still living home I am not a homewrecker and I feel so bad for what I have done and am still doing cause now I am aware that he never got seperated. What do I do. I am a normal, respectful girl whos heart is with this VERY married man. Please help me.

[Mr Spock]

You are a beautiful woman? I think you need to discover who you are, on your own. Regardless of married or not-you seem to be clinging to this man not because you need him but because you can-obession is fun, it gives us something to do-you left him once. Honestly? If you feel like you can't live without him, you probably can't live with him. Old adage.

 

Why not try being independant emotionally? Show him you don't need him, even if you're crying on the inside.

[Liss77]

I thought i replied back to u but it didn't post. I just want to say thank u and u are right. I know i love this man but can i ever trust him if he was soley mine and would i have respect for myself knowing what he did to me? he hasn't called me once today the first time in a year and a half we haven't talked. i think i finally got to him. I just couldn't take him leaving me to go home to a wife. thanks again,

 

Liss

[cheeks]

Hi, your story does sound similar to mine. At this point, 2 1/2 weeks now, he is begging 2 come back. You really need 2 focus on yourself. It is very hard. I can't trust him though and the foundation of a relationship is built on trust. I love him w/ all my heart. Its killing me especially since hes trying 2 reconcile. But I have to keep remebering that I would NEVER do what he has done to anyone! Especially the one I love. So be true 2 yourself and remember that you deserve 110% of your man. Nothing less. God its hard. So very hard. But hang in there. I really dont see it getting better for me at this point yet, but I have to stay strong( Ive never felt so weak) and you need to as well. This is a great site. It has helped me through my worst days so far.

 

Good luck, stay strong,

 

Cheeks

[Liss77]

He text messaged me tonight saying that he wanted to talk and that he loves me with all his heart and that he is confused. I didn't reply back to him. I don't want to be baited in. It seems like ever since I found out he was living at home things have been worse like he liked it better when I played dumb. We have this soulmate relationship and that is why I am so pissed that he was put into my life....FOR WHAT REASON THOUGH?!?!?!?!? How can he love me and go home to someone he can't stand I couldn't do it for more then 3 weeks when I tried making things work with my husband? I know with the help of people like you and this website I will be that strong girl again.

 

Thanks again,

 

Liss

[Liss77]

I can't take this edgy feeling anymore!!! Since my last post yes i talked to my MM and he said I am going to leave my house. He could give two flying craps about his wife, its his son that makes it hard for him to walk away from. Anyway, since that conversation he hasn't mentioned anything since! What the F*CK? Did i get baited in AGAIN?!?!?!?! Or should I shut the hell up and see what happens? Every time I ask him about when he is going to leave before we had last weekends talk he would say "u know what forget it, you're right lets just seperate till I do what i have to do" Then we wouldn't talk and the next day he would text me, or email me saying he's sorry that we just need to talk things over.

These are the facts: I used to work at a hospital where his wife used to work way before me so a lot of people knew her. My MM contracts at the hospital time to time so everyone knows him, then I come along and everyone knows all of us. My MM and I meet , people begin to talk at the hospital and the gossip begins. What I found out was that him and his wife don't get along, they never really did and that she is a little nutty and over the edge. So when my MM tells me that he does not care for her and that they don't even speak I believe that. I man she gets off work and gets home at 5:30pm and he is in his van at 5:32pm calling me telling me he's on his way to my house and this is basically monday thru friday. So I say to myself damn they really do have a crappy relationship. His 1 and only priority is his son and I respect that in him. I have a son too. BUT COME ON do what you have to do already. Isn't it healthier for a kid to see a father and mother in happy situations then how they are at home. Mind u I NEVER met his son and I have been with my MM for almost 2 years. I ask him why I can't meet his son and I guess for obvious reasons he's 8 years old and knows what would be going on.

 

I am rambling, I am just so confused. What the hell do I do? We are in love, never fight accept when I mention him leaving his house and this guy litterally cried his guts out when I found out in May 2004 that he was living at home and I told him I was leaving him. He said just give me a little time baby. I have to get the balls to tell my son that daddy won't be hime anymore. WELL HELLO it's JULY!!!!!! Can any men out there tell me why this is happening can any womem out there give me a heads up to what the hell I am doing?

 

It's not like I can' t have whoever I want I get hit on alot but its like I have blinders on and I disregard other men. Should I be? Maybe I should take the offers of dating. Its just that I was married for 10 years I was my husbands high school sweetheart I am not used to dating or having other men. I have a son I don't want my son seeing different men in my life. I just feel that I made the wrong choice from day 1. I broke up my family for a man that pursued me and gave me attention that my husband lacked at the time. I would NEVER do that. Why did I? I am the most faithful girl I know. and look, one stupid man shmoosed me at a rocky time in my marriage and WHERE DID IT GET ME?!?!?!?!?!?! I know where it got me......NOWHERE. It got me a broken screwed up heart, i've grown not to trust which I never had an issue with, i worry alot, i now have stress, I can't sleep, I am never content, and my son is back and forth with me and his dad, and I have to go to court for custody in Ausgust. WAS IT WORTH IT? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

So take my advice all. Go to counsling, do whatever u can to save your marriage and family if u are married and think before u jump the grass is not always greener on the other side and you will find yourself losing it and posting on this website asking for help

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Liss

[suzanne]

My heart goes out to you. I am also in love with a unavaiable man. He is with his woman ( and I know this for sure ) out of obligation. How pathetic to stay in an obligated relationship. I know he loves me. He has told me the truth. I have met his son. But ... if there is true love, he would move out of that world. I have come to a point I said I need to be #1 .. even if you are tied to her out of obligation. He used to spend weekends with me. I accepted the arrangment. Just this week I said enough is enough. We have also gone through the "I'm leaving, just need to line up my ducks" thing.

 

It's not good enough anymore. I must be able to focus on a life and future and it's been two years of slow progression. I know he loves me. Just not enough and I am worth more.

 

And sweetie, I am also a beautiful woman who has means and has had many worthy lovers. I am long time single, waiting to give my love to ONE mighty KING !!! And I found that in this man. No matter looks or how many have loved us ... it is that one we must feel ! I understand your pain. But you must save your own self and walk away ! soul-mate or not ... Read more about soul mates .. they don't always connect as they should in each life.

 

If he is allowed to treat his soul-mate as he is .. you will lose him anyway in the end. If you truly beleive in the soul-mate beleif.. it is out duty to not allow this being to get away with wronging. If he loves you .. he will suffer also and either fix it or continue to do wrong; maybe to yet another woman. Don't let it be you. You are worth more. And loving alone is better then living with heartbreak with a love.

 

good luck .. I feel your pain.

[hannah319]

I don't want to hurt you but he's still living at home. That is the bottom line. If all of this is out in the open and on the table, then he won't mind the three of you sitting down and discussing what is best for his son. That is if his wife knows about you. Does she? If this is a loveless marriage and is only friendship now, I'm sure the three of you can sit down like reasonable adults and discuss what is the best solution. This is hurting you very badly and you can't go on letting with him living with someone else! I mean who could?? It's time to force him to make a decision and that is either he moves out now or it's over! Stick to it and mean it though and you won't regret your decision. Don't let this guy play you any longer. Find out where his heart truly lies. Good luck and let me know how it turns out.

[Liss77]

Thank you for your posts. At least u all know the pain i am going through. My body is emotionally and physically sick. I just want out of the sickness. I have never felt so ill before. We fought yesterday because he came to see me for a big whoop dee doo of 4 hours. I told him I am sick of this time limit crap. Then today (like every Sunday) he's home with his son. He says he goes out all day with him but who knows if he really does. I want out. How do I lose my feelings for him and find myself again????????????????

[suzanne]

I feel you... and I have been so sick it hurt to take in a breath. It will pass when you have figured enough is enough and take back your own power, even if it is a front while you try to draw the strength to get on with your life.

 

My man uses his son a lot. And gives me such a little amount of time. To raise a son in a love-less home is not ok. But is his choise and not mine. When I measure the pros of this against the cons of this, I realize there are more cons. He has tipped the scales and I can walk away. I refuse to buy any more of his escuses; and you know what ? I am ok ... now that I have made that choise; after over 2 years ...

[Liss77]

I'm going to try and not call him tomorrow. we chatted online tonight and it went crappy. I was telling him goodbye i will miss him blah blah blah.and he was like i will miss u too i love u. What the hell is that? What a fight he put up. So I say to him all u had to say was that u wanted out from the beginning and i would of been gone and he replies u take what i say all wrong if i wanted out i would of been gone a long time ago GOODNIGHT! What the hell? I am so confused. i don't know what to do. i am going to sleep on it and pray that i can be strong tomorrow. i just need the pressure in my heart to go away. i have a son that needs me not this jerk of a man.

[fanou22]

Hang in there Liss and always remember when there is a will there is a way.

[rogueless]

Ouch, I know you are hurting. I read through your posts. Recently you posted, "How do I lose my feelings for him and find myself again?" Well, here is my advice. Focus on and analyze the BAD parts of your relationship with him. Don't dwell on the good parts. Do not allow yourself the luxury of wasting more than 10 minutes at a time worrying about him. Change the subject, figure your bills, turn on the comedy channel, or read a book. Force yourself to put your mind elsewhere. It will be hard at first, but refocusing gets easier with time.

 

Now this part will HURT to read, but its meant to help you focus on the bad parts of the relationship and see them more cleary. When the heart is involved so deeply, it tends to cloud judgment. I am on the outside looking in, with no emotions attached. Again, I warn you, this part will be hard to read. This is what I noticed from pieces of your post:

 

#1 Tough pill to swallow: He is a liar. He lied to you when he said he moved into an apartment. This is not the only time he has lied to you. People who use lies normally do so more than once...Sorry

 

#2 Tough pill to swallow: He says he is just there for his son? This is not true. He was spending 6 nights a week until 10 pm with you and only Sundays with his son? If he moved out and had only every other weekend visitation, as a lot of dads do, he would see his son more often.

 

#3 Tough pill to swallow: At one point you had mentioned whenever you bring up the subject of him moving out, he gets defensive. Thats a sure sign of control. If he gets upset everytime you mention his moving out, he is hoping you learn to not bring it up to avoid confrontation. This allows him to continue to stay at home and have the both of best worlds.

 

#4 Hard pill to swallow: His wife is not as "nutty" or bad as he claims. If she were, he would take his child out of the situation. A common trick of married men to have affairs is to put down their wife for sympathy. Behind closed doors at his home, things are probably a whole lot different (better) than he has presented them. See hard pill to swallow #1.

 

#5 Hard pill to swallow: In a healthy relationship, you would have not "lost" yourself. He is making you sick. Do you want to feel well? Don't give into temptation. He is like a drug. I know hes addictive, but he is not good for you.

 

I know you are hurting. Take care of yourself.

[Liss77]

Well,

I know I have been out of realm for a looooooooooooong time. But All is well. I left the sack of baggage in September after a head on collision with a drunk driver. I am okay but my whole life flashed before me and my PRIORITIES were set straight. I thought if I were to die tonight what would I leave this world with? Well here's what I came up with:

1) a broken heart

2) Wasted time with a married man

3) a son who only seen me sad and crying and never happy

4) A depressed girl who was once happy

 

Now I have met a wonderful man WHO IS SINGLE and treats me AND MY SON like gold.

Please everyone, take it from me. Its not worth it. You are worth more then someones sloppy seconds. Find a single man who can make you feel like a queen with no time limits and no secrets. Be a first, not a last. Happy holidays to all.

 

Love,

Liss

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Why not try being independant emotionally? Show him you don't need him, even if you're crying on the inside.

 

this is a profound statement. and it's good advice. that's hard to do though and i have to work very hard to do it. i am crying hysterically on the inside and i need to remember every day that i can't let him see it.