2sunny Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I will submit that one can have good character in many endeavors of life, regardless of weather they have an affair. The things you mention are illegal and will land you in jail for a long time if not death row. You logic makes no sense, sorry. Your logic is designed to serve your means of keeping up with the lies. Op - this is what you are about to marry = a man who will hurt you and justify his bad behavior - at YOUR expense.
Sauron Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 When you say "we" - are YOU speaking for all cheaters? Are you speaking THAT set of standards for all cheaters? For what it's worth - I don't include "myself" in THAT "we" because I never considered cheating while I was in my long marriage. Do you think you speak for all cheaters? I know a few people who cheat ---> and NOTHING looks like loving behavior to me when I know they are cheating. It's ALL a lie based on the getting what they want at the cost of someone's happiness (unbeknownst to the one being betrayed). No I do not speak for all cheaters, that is ridiculous. My apology for implying that, I can only speak for myself.
Sauron Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Your logic is designed to serve your means of keeping up with the lies. Op - this is what you are about to marry = a man who will hurt you and justify his bad behavior - at YOUR expense. That's your opinion, but you know what they say about opinions.... And I have hurt no one. As I mentioned everyone is happy in my world.
Sauron Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 If someone cheats on you it means at least 2 things: 1. By cheating they demonstrate that they don't love you enough to be even loyal. It demonstrates that sex is more important to them than their loyalty to you, because their desire for sex overrules their loyalty to you. The love for you doesn't win from their desire for sex, so they don't love you enough. Not even enough to stay loyal, not even enough to control themselves. 2. They demonstrate that they don't respect you and the relationship enough to be loyal. By cheating, they disrespect you and the relationship. They demonstrate that they're willing to risk the relationship...and for what, for just sex. Meaning that they let their respect for you and the relationship be overruled by their desire for sex. So those are two major red flags. He doesn't love you enough love and he does not have enough respect for you and the relationship. He said "it was just one time". But "just one time", is one time too many. And that proves and emphasizes the point I made about respect. Furthermore you talked about trust, but you found out that he cheated by yourself. He didn't confess that to you on his own accord. I don't understand how you can talk about love and trust in this situation. By cheating you just before you both got married he demonstrates that he doesn't love you enough, that he doesn't respect you and the relationship enough and that he can't be trusted. How you can talk about love, trust and respect past this point is beyond me. You have the proof that demonstrates the points I mentioned above. What you do with that proof is up to you, but if you choose to marry him, you're going to be put through the wringer. It could turn out to be so painful that it destroys you. Don't do this to yourself. Your judgement is impaired by love chemicals right now. Snap out of it and do what's best for your own well-being. That is my advice. I know it's hard, but you have the proof. This should be the proof that ends it. Uhhhh why do you think a man, or woman for that matter, who cheats will out themselves? That is not in his/her best interest. It's amazing to me how many of you state over and over, he/she didn't confess of his own will. Why would I want to blow up my own life and family voluntairly? By the way, I do admit to being selfish but I have my reasons.
Nyla Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I will submit that one can have good character in many endeavors of life, regardless of weather they have an affair. The things you mention are illegal and will land you in jail for a long time if not death row. You logic makes no sense, sorry. STI's can kill you or cause serious illness. These diseases are often passed around during affairs. Unsuspecting married woman contract HIV from cheating husbands all the time. You cannot possibly think those health crises are not detrimental! Good character involves being honest. Cheaters are deceptive and manipulative, so how can they be good people?
Sauron Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 He didn't love her ENOUGH. Not even enough to control his sexual desires. Not even enough to NOT risk the relationship. He disrespected her and the relationship by cheating. He defiled the marriage. I know people that have tried to commit suicide over disloyalty. It can hurt that much. F*ck people that cheat and justify cheating, they're nothing but sociopaths. They inflict suffering, but they don't register that they inflict suffering or how deep that suffering goes. Uhhh they weren't married at the time. I hate that somebody would terminate their own life over a bad realtionship, I would say there would be underlying mental health issues involved in a situation like that.
2sunny Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 That's your opinion, but you know what they say about opinions.... And I have hurt no one. As I mentioned everyone is happy in my world. That's only because the truth is being with held by you. Justifying your behavior "because they don't know your truth" is part of the pain when the truth gets revealed. It hurts... Whether you believe it or not - YOUR actions will cause pain when your truth comes out.
Sauron Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 STI's can kill you or cause serious illness. These diseases are often passed around during affairs. Unsuspecting married woman contract HIV from cheating husbands all the time. You cannot possibly think those health crises are not detrimental! Good character involves being honest. Cheaters are deceptive and manipulative, so how can they be good people? I used protection and have been regulary tested for STD's. All I can tell you is that you are confusing romantic realtionships with non-romantic relationships. Because I have a lover on the side, you assume I would automatically cheat in say business, or sports, etc. That doesn't make sense.
2sunny Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Uhhhh why do you think a man, or woman for that matter, who cheats will out themselves? That is not in his/her best interest. It's amazing to me how many of you state over and over, he/she didn't confess of his own will. Why would I want to blow up my own life and family voluntairly? By the way, I do admit to being selfish but I have my reasons. Hmmm - maybe BECAUSE you might someday decide to be a man of integrity and honor? Until then - the man your family and friends knows just a illusion- because your behavior isn't what they THINK IT IS. You are not the man you present yourself to be. Your wife and kids don't really know you - they only know who they THINK you are! This OP at least knows her STBH cheats. She's signing up for it... That's better than what your W believes... 1
Sauron Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 That's only because the truth is being with held by you. Justifying your behavior "because they don't know your truth" is part of the pain when the truth gets revealed. It hurts... Whether you believe it or not - YOUR actions will cause pain when your truth comes out. Like I said, you know what they say about opinions. It's my truth and I own it, and I will be accountable to it. You think every situation is the same, you probably post the same drivel over and over again. Not every situation is the same, and they are all very unique and complex realtionships issues. The OP wants to get married and maybe it will work and maybe it won't, I wish her luck.
Sauron Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Hmmm - maybe BECAUSE you might someday decide to be a man of integrity and honor? Until then - the man your family and friends knows just a illusion- because your behavior isn't what they THINK IT IS. You are not the man you present yourself to be. Your wife and kids don't really know you - they only know who they THINK you are! This OP at least knows her STBH cheats. She's signing up for it... That's better than what your W believes... It is my behavior and I own it. I have been that man for 30 plus years, you are plain wrong. They know me just fine, my kids are happy productive responsible adults. Really, how do you know my W and what she believes, she is very happy. Although you are really straying off topic.
Sauron Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Yes, it's your truth, your own isolated truth that has no connection to the reality that others perceive. Accountability? You're so "accountable" that you lie about it and keep it under wraps. It works for me. If it gets surfaced I will deal with it. Like I said I have a plan.
2sunny Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Like I said, you know what they say about opinions. It's my truth and I own it, and I will be accountable to it. You think every situation is the same, you probably post the same drivel over and over again. Not every situation is the same, and they are all very unique and complex realtionships issues. The OP wants to get married and maybe it will work and maybe it won't, I wish her luck. Uhhhh why do you think a man, or woman for that matter, who cheats will out themselves? That is not in his/her best interest. It's amazing to me how many of you state over and over, he/she didn't confess of his own will. Why would I want to blow up my own life and family voluntairly? By the way, I do admit to being selfish but I have my reasons. My friend who was in her 90's and had been married more than 60 years found out AFTER her husband died that he cheated most of their M with his secretary. Do you think THAT didn't hurt her AND the kids he left behind? You bet it did! She and her adult kids removed EVERY little thing that reminded them that he had ever lived! She was a courageous gal - she sold the house they lived in and got rid of EVERYTHING he ever touched - all within 5 weeks!!! An 86 year old woman removing the cheat from her life= because she was NEVER married to the man she THOUGHT SHE WAS MARRIED TO! Just when you think people won't find out - the truth IS revealed - whether YOU know it or not... 3
2sunny Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 She's living a lie. The not knowing is what will kill the illusion when she does find out.
Sauron Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Right and he is dead and the wife will be too soon, and your point is? I am sure the kids only ever heard one side of the story. Without being redundant, there are 2 sides to these situations.
Sauron Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I have enjoyed chatting with you all. Have a great evening.
Lbreno Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Very tough! Going to be har explaining to family etc why wedding in postponed / cancelled but long term I think u would regret this wedding! I don't believe it would be possible to go through the whole day with an honest smile on your face
Author MrsS Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 I appreciate everyone's opinions here, however I don't really agree with any of them. I was looking for an objective point of view on this subject and I definitely got that! First of all, I'm not a young bride. I'm well into my 30's and this is not my first marriage. I'm not an idiot. We have both started counseling. I have set major boundaries which he is more than willing to comply with. I am not going through with this marriage to make anyone happy, except me and my fiance and son, or just so I can have a wedding. The most important thing to me is our family. I love this man. I have seen him at his weakest, taken care of him and he has taken care of me. I know that he is genuinely sorry for what happened. He loves me and loves our baby. No one is perfect, everyone messes up. I have messed up in the past!! I would rather spend my life with someone who loves me and made a mistake than spend the rest of it alone, sharing custody of my child and fighting to support myself. We know where our issues are and we are meeting them head on. Love isn't always easy. In fact, most of the time it is hard. I am choosing to work on this for me. Did you hear me? I'm making this choice! And it is right for me. Period. I'm sorry for everyone hurt by someone cheating. It sucks but it isn't always cut and dry or cut and run. Thank you for all of your input. I wish you all the best!
angie2443 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 No, do not marry him. You had his child, nursed him through a serious illness and he repays you with cheating on you with your girlfriend. He was not wonderful, he only made you think he was. You deserve better. Many of these guys (and their female equivalents) are very good actors. I'm sure he acted wonderful in the beginning and is just now confortable showing his true colors.
BetrayedH Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 You came here and asked all of us if you were crazy to go ahead with the wedding. You already made your choice when you got here - so then why did you ask? Interesting, isn't it? She asked for opinions about whether or not this was crazy, got a pretty much universal confirmation that it was crazy, then quite intentionally ignored all of the objective feedback that she received. As usual, we're all bitter. 2
Lindiloo1953 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 While I do appreciate all of the advice I have decided to stick it out and marry my fiance. I love him and even though he has been unfaithful I know he loves me. Everyone makes mistakes. I have made plenty of them in my life. I have survived a week from finding out my husband of 10 years had an affair whilst I was in hospital having life saving surgery. He did everything that is sooo wrong, left me in hospital and brought her to our bed. Im sticking with it because I love him and Im married to him. I know what youre saying, but I think you should postpone the wedding. I know hes sorry, they all are but he shouldnt think that he can just say sorry and everything will be as before
Transformed Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) For OP. By all means go ahead and marry this guy. Others have stated that you are burying your head in sand or are in denial. You are too dependent on him or you need to postpone the wedding in order to take time to process. (btw they are right) But you know best. Love conquers all. I hope you have a fairy tale ending but if it doesnt turn out that way, just know that you will be able to divorce him and take him to cleaners in divorce court so why not just go ahead and get married?? Edited September 26, 2012 by Transformed 1
Minka333 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 She already knows her answers even before she asked these questions. She was prolly looking for people who would empathize with her situation and support her relationship. It is her life and her journey. Eventually her choices will become her tools for her own growth and learnings. 1
Ellin Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 She already knows her answers even before she asked these questions. She was prolly looking for people who would empathize with her situation and support her relationship. It is her life and her journey. Eventually her choices will become her tools for her own growth and learnings. What wise words, Minka!
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