So Hurt

[Sauron]

So do I. But consider this poster is probably young realtive to me anyway, pregnant, financially dependent, totally in love, maybe a bit naive, she wants to make it work. My point was, rather than taking extreme positions and shouting at her to "Get out" and bludgeoning her like so many do here, and you know who your are, perhaps proceed say with caution, get an education if she didn't have one, start putting money aside in an escape hatch fund, and learn how to take care of your man in the bedroom so he never thinks about another partner. Some new mothers tend to forget their man, let their bodies go, and start to decline in the bedroom department, big mistake. I am sure many of them end up in places like this. I have daughters and I have prepared them to never let themselves be dependent on men for anything and to think for themselves.

[freestyle]

I feel sorry for all the ladies leaving negative comments here. I'm wondering if you trust anyone anymore. Yes I believe if you love the right person enough anything is possible. I know I have the right person. I know in my heart without a single doubt that I will spend the rest of my life with him and it will be a happy life. Maybe you have been hurt worse than me. Maybe I am a more understanding and tolerant woman. Either way, it is my choice and it is the right choice for my whole family, including my son.

 

 

 

Do you think your fiance would be as understanding if you slept with one of his best friends?

 

(have you asked him how he would feel about that?)

 

He slept with one of your friends, fercryinoutloud!

 

And you had to catch him, he didn't fess up willingly, out of an attack of conscience. It's possible it would still be going on, if you hadn't caught him.

 

I'm rather stunned by your glib reaction to that. It wasn't a mistake.

 

2 + 2 = 5, is a mistake, forgetting to pay a bill is a mistake.

 

Sleeping with one of your close friends was calculated deception, and there were a whole lot of lies leading up to that. I'm incredulous at what appears like you shrugging it off.

 

*shaking my head*

 

 

Please remember---if you stick your head in the sand, then your a*s is up for grabs.

[2sunny]

You seem to be CHOOSING to stay with this guy who you say hurts you so much.

 

No man is worth that choice.

 

If you must stay because he supports you - start taking action to be capable of taking care of yourself so that you're (and your happiness) not at the mercy of his bad behavior that causes you pain.

[Ninja'sHusband]

It's predictable that someone would marry anyway. That's a LOT of momentum to stop all of a sudden.

 

We who are here grieving the break ups of families 14 years into a marriage are screaming "WAIT! STOP! I WISH I HAD HAD A SIGN LIKE YOU!"...but I dunno what to say. It's going to be really hard for anyone young and about to get married to just 180 like that. I hope it works out...sigh...

Maybe this will be a huge wake up call to them. Do the counseling that people recommend you do at the start. My father told me to read "His Needs Her Needs" when I first got married. I wished I had.

 

"Hold me Tight" could be another marriage saver I think.

[Sauron]

Do you think your fiance would be as understanding if you slept with one of his best friends?

 

(have you asked him how he would feel about that?)

 

He slept with one of your friends, fercryinoutloud!

 

And you had to catch him, he didn't fess up willingly, out of an attack of conscience. It's possible it would still be going on, if you hadn't caught him.

 

I'm rather stunned by your glib reaction to that. It wasn't a mistake.

 

2 + 2 = 5, is a mistake, forgetting to pay a bill is a mistake.

 

Sleeping with one of your close friends was calculated deception, and there were a whole lot of lies leading up to that. I'm incredulous at what appears like you shrugging it off.

 

*shaking my head*

 

 

Please remember---if you stick your head in the sand, then your a*s is up for grabs.

 

 

Hey just because he slept with her best friend doesn't mean he wasn't fully prepared to go ahead with the marriage, or he didn't love her. Too bad he isn't posting his side of the story here, you don't know. So many of you equate sex with love, sex is just an expierence shared by 2 (or more depending on the situation) individuals. Plus not that it matters much to me at a personal level but they were not married at the time. I would imagine the MW was checking if she still had it, and maybe her husband wasn't taking care of business at home.

[2sunny]

Hey just because he slept with her best friend doesn't mean he wasn't fully prepared to go ahead with the marriage, or he didn't love her. Too bad he isn't posting his side of the story here, you don't know. So many of you equate sex with love, sex is just an expierence shared by 2 (or more depending on the situation) individuals. Plus not that it matters much to me at a personal level but they were not married at the time. I would imagine the MW was checking if she still had it, and maybe her husband wasn't taking care of business at home.

 

No no - it couldn't be that he cheated because his character is flawed. That would mean that he'd have to own his bad behavior...

 

All these excuses to justify bad behavior is ridiculous - he cheats! She's going to marry the cheat - that causes her pain! She's still choosing pain.

 

I don't see how anyone can support her decision to inflict more pain...

[freestyle]

Hey just because he slept with her best friend doesn't mean he wasn't fully prepared to go ahead with the marriage, or he didn't love her. Too bad he isn't posting his side of the story here, you don't know. So many of you equate sex with love, sex is just an expierence shared by 2 (or more depending on the situation) individuals. Plus not that it matters much to me at a personal level but they were not married at the time. I would imagine the MW was checking if she still had it, and maybe her husband wasn't taking care of business at home.

 

If it "wasn't such a big deal" as you're attempting to minimize...

 

Then why didn't he ask her permission to sleep with her friend?

"Honey do you mind if I bang your bff?"

 

So what if they weren't married at the time? There was a promise in place.

Most couples go into an engagement with an understanding that there is to be fidelity. If there's going to be an open relationship/marriage (and there's nothing wrong with that, IMO) then BOTH parties need to aware, and in agreement.

 

If one half of a couple isn't going to be satisfied by monogamy, then that needs to be clearly communicated so that the other party can make an accurately informed assessment about where they're investing their emotional currency.

 

Moving the goal posts unilaterally, (after the fact) and without the knowledge of the other party, is misrepresentation. And it smacks of fraud.

Sneaking around behind someone's back, when they're investing time, energy, and effort into you, is never okay. That's not love, it's control and manipulation. Love is about mutual respect. If one party is withholding information from the other party about what's really going on in their life, there is no respect, and therefore no love.

 

 

I personally wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from a business partner, and certainly even less from a romantic partner.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I totally understand that you love this guy and want to spend your life with him, but postponing you marriage may serve several purposes...

 

it will give you two a chance to work through the aftermath of his cheating. doing so may help to prevent any bad feelings you ave about it from resurfacing later

 

taking some time will also allow him to show you that you can trust him. getting some counseling together will also help with that, as it may help teach him better coping skills and better personal boundaries. Let's be honest, for whatever reason, at that point in time, he saw cheating on you as an acceptable option. Maybe he was nervous about getting married, maybe he wanted one last 'fling" before tying the knot, maybe he was angry with you or maybe he has no idea why he did it. The fact remains that he made that choice, you are not okay with it and he knew that you wouldn't be okay with it, and he needs to figure out why he made it so he won't make it again.

 

There is nothing wrong with taking your time and making sure that he ( and you) are both really ready for the full time commitment of a marriage. By accepting his cheating so readily now, you're teaching him that there are few consequences for him should he cheat. Especially now that you have a son, you guys both need to be 100% sure that marriage is what you both really want, that your son's future home won't be disrupted by cheating and , most importantly, you are there because you want to be not because you feel you have to be.

 

I know postponing the wedding may seem like a huge deal right now, but in the long run, your long term peace of mind is more than worth it. If you still want to get married in six months or a year, then you'll know it's a choice made because it's what's best.

[MrsS]

Ok wow everyone. So, almost everyone thinks I should postpone my wedding. Which is now in just over 2 weeks by the way. If I'm sure I want to marry this man what difference rose it make if we are married or not while we work through this? He would have still done it if we were married and I would have stayed with him. I think that it is awfully easy to tell a stranger to postpone a wedding but when it comes right down to it I doubt any of you would call 150 of your closest friends and family to tell them you can't get married yet because your fiance cheated on you. I find it interesting that this has become a heated discussion even without my input for days. Isn't there anyone who loves someone enough to go through hell and back together? Doesn't anyone believe that no one is perfect? We are all different and I'm very thankful for that. Especially after reading some of the comments on here.

[2sunny]

Ok wow everyone. So, almost everyone thinks I should postpone my wedding. Which is now in just over 2 weeks by the way. If I'm sure I want to marry this man what difference rose it make if we are married or not while we work through this? He would have still done it if we were married and I would have stayed with him. I think that it is awfully easy to tell a stranger to postpone a wedding but when it comes right down to it I doubt any of you would call 150 of your closest friends and family to tell them you can't get married yet because your fiance cheated on you. I find it interesting that this has become a heated discussion even without my input for days. Isn't there anyone who loves someone enough to go through hell and back together? Doesn't anyone believe that no one is perfect? We are all different and I'm very thankful for that. Especially after reading some of the comments on here.

 

Ok, I respect that.

 

But I am left wondering - where is your boundary? If you don't have one - or don't know - that's gonna cause you nothing but harm throughout your M!

 

Can you two do counseling?

[redtail]

Ok wow everyone...

 

Okay, take a deep breath, you came here asking for advise, these people didn't seek you out, remember? And if you already had your answer, then there was no need to ask.

 

Think about what you're saying, the people here have been through what you have and have lived it. Their advise has merit. But not wanting to postpone your wedding for the mere fact of disappointing your friends and family? That is a huge red flag but for your sake, I hope I'm wrong.

[96nole]

Ok wow everyone. So, almost everyone thinks I should postpone my wedding. Which is now in just over 2 weeks by the way. If I'm sure I want to marry this man what difference rose it make if we are married or not while we work through this? He would have still done it if we were married and I would have stayed with him. I think that it is awfully easy to tell a stranger to postpone a wedding but when it comes right down to it I doubt any of you would call 150 of your closest friends and family to tell them you can't get married yet because your fiance cheated on you. I find it interesting that this has become a heated discussion even without my input for days. Isn't there anyone who loves someone enough to go through hell and back together? Doesn't anyone believe that no one is perfect? We are all different and I'm very thankful for that. Especially after reading some of the comments on here.

 

MrsS

You've received a lot of advice from many on here.

Some that are divorced

Some that are divorcing

Some that have reconciled

and one poster who is happy in a one sided open marriage.

 

We all know the "hell and back" you are referring to. Only we don't see it like a romance novel or a love movie. We know marriage isn't like a Disney movie where the characters live happily ever after. We know how hard real life can be. 12 years ago right now, I was on my honeymoon. If you told me then that my, now ex-wife, would lie, cheat, disrespect, betray, and dishonor me and my family 11 years later, I would have laughed at you. And believe me when I say I thought she was the perfect woman. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

 

As others on here do, I also think you are still in shock and denial. You also have a new baby and a wedding to prepare for. You haven't had the time to really process what has happened.

 

Most women, when they are little girls dream of the perfect wedding. Perhaps that is what you are thinking about as well. Perhaps you think that once the wedding is over, all will be fine. Hopefully, it will. Since you are going ahead with the wedding, let me give you a few things that most likely will happen.

When the fog and excitement of the wedding wears off and you start to get into your daily routines, you will start thinking about the affair. Be prepared for any emotions that may come of it. Make sure you tell your husband about them so you don't keep them bottled up. That's a fast way to create resentment and will hurt the marriage.

 

His affair will always be in the back of your mind. There will be a small, or big, part of you that will think "he did it before, will he do it again?" At some point his patterns may change. He may come home later. He may leave earlier than normal, etc. Those are the times you will start to question what he may be up to because of the affair.

 

He needs to do whatever it is you need him to do to make sure you are comfortable that he is not cheating. And he needs to continue with that well after the wedding is over. You're correct in that nobody is perfect. But don't use that as an excuse for him cheating on you.

 

I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you.

[BetrayedH]

Ok wow everyone. So, almost everyone thinks I should postpone my wedding. Which is now in just over 2 weeks by the way. If I'm sure I want to marry this man what difference rose it make if we are married or not while we work through this? He would have still done it if we were married and I would have stayed with him. I think that it is awfully easy to tell a stranger to postpone a wedding but when it comes right down to it I doubt any of you would call 150 of your closest friends and family to tell them you can't get married yet because your fiance cheated on you. I find it interesting that this has become a heated discussion even without my input for days. Isn't there anyone who loves someone enough to go through hell and back together? Doesn't anyone believe that no one is perfect? We are all different and I'm very thankful for that. Especially after reading some of the comments on here.

 

I don't remotely think it would be easy to tell 150 friends and family that your fiance cheated. Nothing about infidelity is easy. It is categorically unfair.

 

That doesn't mean that you should marry the man. As far as being committed to another person for life, most of the people that are talking to you here ARE the ones that get that concept.

 

It typically takes 2-5 years of hard work to reconcile from infidelity. You have a lot of reasons to want it to go faster (as did all of is that were betrayed). Sweeping it under the rug is not going to work.

 

I still certainly wish you luck but I have no doubts whatsoever that the smart thing to do here is to postpone that wedding and take some time to figure out what to do. Inconvenience and embarassment is no reason to get married. And the fact that almost everyone here is advising you to pause - well, that should give you some pause. It's not because we're a bunch of unforgiving people. It's because your mind is in a fog.

[John Who]

If you are going on with the M then you need to put everything on the table.Your very close firend's husband should know about this.If your fiance says its really over and he loves you then he will understand the need to tell her husband.If you keep quiet and keep the affair a secret for fiance and OW chances are they may cheat again.Do not start your Mwith lies and secrets.I believe if you and fiance come forward and are honest with everything in this A then it can work out.

[Owl]

Ok wow everyone. So, almost everyone thinks I should postpone my wedding. Which is now in just over 2 weeks by the way. If I'm sure I want to marry this man what difference rose it make if we are married or not while we work through this? He would have still done it if we were married and I would have stayed with him. I think that it is awfully easy to tell a stranger to postpone a wedding but when it comes right down to it I doubt any of you would call 150 of your closest friends and family to tell them you can't get married yet because your fiance cheated on you. I find it interesting that this has become a heated discussion even without my input for days. Isn't there anyone who loves someone enough to go through hell and back together? Doesn't anyone believe that no one is perfect? We are all different and I'm very thankful for that. Especially after reading some of the comments on here.

 

MrsS, there's a lot going on here that you're not taking into account.

 

You're right...it doesn't matter if you're married or not. He still cheated on you. Where the "married or not" comes in is that he cheated on you...BEFORE your relationship had any real day-to-day pressure on it. Right now, it's still new/fresh/exciting. If he can cheat now, when there are fewer pressures and more positives...what happens 10 years from now when you have two kids, four jobs, and an additional 50lbs between the two of you?

 

THAT is why everyone is trying to tell you that they wished they'd have known before hand.

 

But you choose to proceed anyway. That's fine, that's clearly your choice to make.

 

But don't get bent with folks telling you otherwise...they speak from experience that you don't yet have.

 

As far as postponing and telling 150 of your best friends that you have to postpone because he cheated...why not? It's not like YOU cheated. YOU didn't do anything wrong, you've done nothing to be ashamed of...he did. Odds are they'd be well warned...because if he does it now and suffers no consequence for it, the odds are high it will happen again when those pressures of day to day living DO start adding up.

 

BTW...this advice is coming from someone who DID reconcile after infidelity. Who "loves someone enough to go through hell and back together".

 

Recovering from something like this is NOT something you do in a matter of days...or weeks...or even months.

 

Again, this is what folks are trying to tell you. We've been there.

 

Sweeping this under the rug now, without addressing it, will likely set the stage for much more devestation and grief later.

 

That's why you've gotten the advice that you have.

 

Stop calling folks bitter...and start asking yourself why you're getting the responses that you are. You'll be much better served by doing so.

[LifesontheUp]

I agree, its your choice whether you get married or not.

 

But why did he cheat on you? why with your very good friend?

[Nyla]

You are making the mistake that too many young brides make-being too focused on the glamour of a wedding, without looking at the state of the relationship.

 

I don't understand why you want to marry a cheater who is very dishonest.

 

Marriage is about monogamy unless you are having an open marriage.

 

So go enjoy your big wedding since that is what is important to you, but don't be surprised when your fairy tale becomes a nightmare.

[2sunny]

She is stating that she's training him that she is ok with him cheating.

 

Just know - he will most likely cheat throughout the marriage - and you have set the tone = YOU will accept it as acceptable - mainly because there's been NO consequences for him and no plan to change one thing = he cheats with no change = you get a cheater!

 

You seem all good with it - so nothing really to help with here.

 

But your tag line IS "so sad" so DEFINITELY EXPECT to be MORE SAD after you marry.

 

You have choices - and YOUR choice is to sign up for a M with a cheater.

 

Sad, but I supposed M IS disposable- in my mind I'm already hoping you D him when it's enough for you - which I've never posted here HOPING someone gets out even BEFORE they get married.

 

A life of pain makes for VERY long days together!

[freestyle]

 

A life of pain makes for VERY long days together!

 

 

 

..............and even LONGER nights wondering where the hell he is, and why the hell he isn't answering his phone........

 

And wondering whether or not it's safe to bring a female friend around him......

[Sauron]

No no - it couldn't be that he cheated because his character is flawed. That would mean that he'd have to own his bad behavior...

 

All these excuses to justify bad behavior is ridiculous - he cheats! She's going to marry the cheat - that causes her pain! She's still choosing pain.

 

I don't see how anyone can support her decision to inflict more pain...

 

Character, defined by who, you? Or is it just soceity's standard? It's been going on since humans lived in groups 40,000 years ago. It is kind of like the war on drugs, it never changes. Even if we step outside the marriage, doesn't me we don't love our spouse. Just means we wanted something you won't or can't provide, including a new expeirence. I am guessing that's why reconcilations happen quite often, becaue at the end, we love our BS, even if we aren't satisfied. Not to mention, the fact we have to lose half of everything if we get divorced.

[Owl]

Character, defined by who, you? Or is it just soceity's standard? It's been going on since humans lived in groups 40,000 years ago. It is kind of like the war on drugs, it never changes. Even if we step outside the marriage, doesn't me we don't love our spouse. Just means we wanted something you won't or can't provide, including a new expeirence. I am guessing that's why reconcilations happen quite often, becaue at the end, we love our BS, even if we aren't satisfied. Not to mention, the fact we have to lose half of everything if we get divorced.

 

So has every other "evil" or "bad" thing that mankind does to itself. Murder, rape, etc...

 

Do we go ahead and change our views to make those acceptable as well?

 

Just because "it's always been that way" hasn't been an acceptable excuse for a long time now, my friend.

[Sauron]

So has every other "evil" or "bad" thing that mankind does to itself. Murder, rape, etc...

 

Do we go ahead and change our views to make those acceptable as well?

 

Just because "it's always been that way" hasn't been an acceptable excuse for a long time now, my friend.

 

I will submit that one can have good character in many endeavors of life, regardless of weather they have an affair. The things you mention are illegal and will land you in jail for a long time if not death row. You logic makes no sense, sorry.

[Spark1111]

I wish you well.

 

Having a 10 month old infant is a very vulnerable place to be. You will legitimize your child in society and that is a huge consideration. Plus, you claim your to be H is a fantastic dad. That is very important.

 

You say you love the man. I hope so. And I hope love and intensive counseling is enough to get you through the coming years of raising your child and being a family. It may.

 

I do worry about you, and what you want and need. Right now, you sound like an extremely caring person; perhaps one who always puts the needs of other's before yourself?

 

Be careful you do not become the dependent doormat in this relationship. One home taking care of all while he begins to take you for granted and starts to to meet exciting women at work or socially.

 

You may always wonder what he is up to. I hope not.

 

Be an equal partner. Do not be so ameniable, ok? Do not lose your idenitity loving a man who is always working while you take care of everything else. Do not become his mother. Do not let him turn you into her.

 

Learn what YOU want in this relationship. Expect it. Demand it.

 

Maybe not inititally, but in the years to come, this will be VERY important to you.

[Owl]

I will submit that one can have good character in many endeavors of life, regardless of weather they have an affair. The things you mention are illegal and will land you in jail for a long time if not death row. You logic makes no sense, sorry.

 

Actually, my logic is quite...logical.

 

You submit that her judgement of his character is flawed as his behavior is something mankind has been doing for the last 40,000 years.

 

I submit that just because mankind has been doing (anything) for the last 40,000 years, that doesn't somehow make his actions any less 'flawed'...nor his character.

 

He may be a great neighbor, a fun friend, and a heck of a basketball player. None of that negates the fact that he's cheating on his wife.

 

If I bake a brownie with just a tablespoon of dog poop in it...will you still eat it? Or will you find it unacceptable because it's flawed because of that one small, unnoticeable amount of extra ingrediant?

[2sunny]

Character, defined by who, you? Or is it just soceity's standard? It's been going on since humans lived in groups 40,000 years ago. It is kind of like the war on drugs, it never changes. Even if we step outside the marriage, doesn't me we don't love our spouse. Just means we wanted something you won't or can't provide, including a new expeirence. I am guessing that's why reconcilations happen quite often, becaue at the end, we love our BS, even if we aren't satisfied. Not to mention, the fact we have to lose half of everything if we get divorced.

 

When you say "we" - are YOU speaking for all cheaters? Are you speaking THAT set of standards for all cheaters?

 

For what it's worth - I don't include "myself" in THAT "we" because I never considered cheating while I was in my long marriage.

 

Do you think you speak for all cheaters?

 

I know a few people who cheat ---> and NOTHING looks like loving behavior to me when I know they are cheating. It's ALL a lie based on the getting what they want at the cost of someone's happiness (unbeknownst to the one being betrayed).