MrsS Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Hello there, I'm brand new here but needed somewhere to turn. I am engaged and getting married in 30 days to the most wonderful man I have ever met. We have a 10 month old son and my fiance is a great dad. I found out 4 days ago that he cheated on me with a very close, and also married, friend of ours last month. He says it only happened once and I believe him. As of right now I am planning on going ahead witg our wedding. Am I crazy? I'm in such shock, no one would believe me if I told them. I nursed him thru cancer during my pregnancy last year and me and this so called friend have become very close. Sharing play dates with our kids. Any advice for where to go from here?
Author MrsS Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 I only meant he "was" the most wonderful man. I still love him.
Furious Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 No, do not marry him. You had his child, nursed him through a serious illness and he repays you with cheating on you with your girlfriend. He was not wonderful, he only made you think he was. You deserve better. 5
Author MrsS Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 I found a picture she had sent him in his phone. The first and only time I ever snooped. He admitted everything as soon as I told him what I found.
Artie Lang Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) i find it amusing when a BS refers to their WS as "wonderful." that couldn't be further from the truth. as far as going ahead with the marriage... it's your funeral. then you go on to say that he cheated on you with a "close" friend. if he's done this with a friend of yours, what's to stop him from doing it with some floozy down the street. so disrespectful. you do realize you need to expose this, including confronting this so-called "friend," right? seems like you want to sweep this under the rug in order to keep your wedding date. not good! Edited August 24, 2012 by Artie Lang 2
GLDheart Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 What kind of incomes do you guys have? How about shared property etc? Marriage may hurt HIM if reconciling fails.
sad puppy Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I would seriously bail out. You don't have to get married in 30 days. Do not get married. You will regret it. Read stories here, most BSs did not have the advantage going into the marriage that the guy was a cheater, they found out years later, after kids, mortgage, blah, blah, ... You should take this as a Big Sign From The Universe that he is NOT the guy to marry. You'll be sorry in the long run if you do. 2
Author MrsS Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 I confronted her and told her husband. We haven't heard from them. I am a stay at home mother and our house is in his name. He lived here when we met. We are both starting separate counseling next week.
BetrayedH Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Some of the comments you get here will seem harsh to you but you should take serious consideration into what is being said. At minimum you should put off your wedding so that you can process this. You have a lot of different stages to go through. Anger comes later. Right now you are trying to put the pieces back together and you're in a fog created by the nuclear fallout. You need serious time to process. You have no idea how early you are into all of this. It takes years to fully recover and that is no joke. This is not the time to be getting married. 10
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 At the very least, put your wedding off for one year. Go to counseling together. And get your life in order so you don't rely on him financially. You can't count on him. 3
veryhappy Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I would postpone the wedding. That at least sends a message of "this is not fine with me and you'd better prove you are worth it". I know you were probably hoping to be a sahm longer, but can you return to work? You don't want to have to stay for financial reasons. This is going to hurt, but...the chances of it happening just once are slim. Try to get the whole truth, speak with her H and compare notes. Once you'll find more, it will be easier to realize that going ahead with the wedding now is a bad idea. I'm sorry this happened to you. Pregnancy and close friends are such aggravating factors for cheating.
Author MrsS Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 While I do appreciate all of the advice I have decided to stick it out and marry my fiance. I love him and even though he has been unfaithful I know he loves me. Everyone makes mistakes. I have made plenty of them in my life. 1
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 While I do appreciate all of the advice I have decided to stick it out and marry my fiance. I love him and even though he has been unfaithful I know he loves me. Everyone makes mistakes. I have made plenty of them in my life. You know best. And it sounds like he's remorseful and willing to work hard to regain your trust in him again. My word of caution, make sure HE knows that if he cheats on you again (with the ex married friend) or anybody else, you'll divorce him immediately. He had his one change to really mess up and that's never to happen ever again! I do hope the counseling is going well, and that you two are going together, but he is going on his own so he can fix himself. What he did to you was really shi.tty. Cheating on you with your friend. There's no excuse or justification for that! He needs to figure out why he is/was capable of doing this to you and make sure it never happens again. 1
veryhappy Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 It's your choice to believe him and stick your head in the sand. You aren't even willing to find out how many times that one time happened. Best of luck to you, and if reality doesn't turn out so great down the line, do not despair.
Author MrsS Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 I have found out as much as I care to, I'm not sticking my head in the sand. I am choosing to forgive. I believe that all things are possible with true love.
2sunny Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I think you're willing to overlook his bad behavior because you live there. Do you pay rent? Does he give you money?
Tallblueyed Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I have found out as much as I care to, I'm not sticking my head in the sand. I am choosing to forgive. I believe that all things are possible with true love. I truly believe you are severely underestimating how this is going to impact you later. Good luck, your emotional rollercoaster has just began. Love does not conquer all, trust me, I thought the same thing. 1
alexandria35 Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I found a picture she had sent him in his phone. The first and only time I ever snooped. He admitted everything as soon as I told him what I found. MrsS as I understand it, it's a rare cheater who confesses all upon being confronted. I would bet the real story is a lot more sordid then the watered down version he gave you. I really think you should postpone the wedding. Your still in the very early stages and it takes a long time to recover from infidelity. If you believe so much in your love for each other than why don't you have enough faith to push the marraige back and work on getting this issue resolved first. I mean if it's true love then surely it will withstand one more year of waiting to get married right? You have children. It's not just your future you have to think about here, you have to consider your kids. Don't be in such a rush to put them in a home where there are lies and cheating. It will mess them up. 2
Author MrsS Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 I feel sorry for all the ladies leaving negative comments here. I'm wondering if you trust anyone anymore. Yes I believe if you love the right person enough anything is possible. I know I have the right person. I know in my heart without a single doubt that I will spend the rest of my life with him and it will be a happy life. Maybe you have been hurt worse than me. Maybe I am a more understanding and tolerant woman. Either way, it is my choice and it is the right choice for my whole family, including my son.
Author MrsS Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 And 2sunny, do I pay rent? No, we are in a relationship. Why would I pay rent? He takes care of us so I can stay home and raise our child. Does he give me money? For what?
Sauron Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 I feel sorry for all the ladies leaving negative comments here. I'm wondering if you trust anyone anymore. Yes I believe if you love the right person enough anything is possible. I know I have the right person. I know in my heart without a single doubt that I will spend the rest of my life with him and it will be a happy life. Maybe you have been hurt worse than me. Maybe I am a more understanding and tolerant woman. Either way, it is my choice and it is the right choice for my whole family, including my son. Besides being negative some of them are very vindicative as well. I wish you luck, and while I would not get married if I had it to do over again, your man should man up and take care of his child and his responsbilities. Good luck to you.
BetrayedH Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 I feel sorry for all the ladies leaving negative comments here. I'm wondering if you trust anyone anymore. Yes I believe if you love the right person enough anything is possible. I know I have the right person. I know in my heart without a single doubt that I will spend the rest of my life with him and it will be a happy life. Maybe you have been hurt worse than me. Maybe I am a more understanding and tolerant woman. Either way, it is my choice and it is the right choice for my whole family, including my son. If you are "without a single doubt" then you should most certainly be concerned, and not about the untrusting ladies here but about yourself. How could you possibly have no doubt about a man who has given you perfect empirical data to suggest otherwise? That's not remotely a logical response. You are responding with your emotions. It's called denial. I wonder if it has to do with the trauma of realizing your fiancé is a cheater while you are pregnant and just about to get married. Feeling sorry for other people is a huge distraction from the fact that you should be incredibly concerned about your own situation. 2
2sunny Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I feel sorry for all the ladies leaving negative comments here. I'm wondering if you trust anyone anymore. Yes I believe if you love the right person enough anything is possible. I know I have the right person. I know in my heart without a single doubt that I will spend the rest of my life with him and it will be a happy life. Maybe you have been hurt worse than me. Maybe I am a more understanding and tolerant woman. Either way, it is my choice and it is the right choice for my whole family, including my son. And 2sunny, do I pay rent? No, we are in a relationship. Why would I pay rent? He takes care of us so I can stay home and raise our child. Does he give me money? For what? You should be supporting yourself! To be that dependent on ANY man - to the point where YOU sacrifice yourself respect because he pays your way is no way for YOU to feel good about YOURSELF and the choices you make. He's cheating - and YOU are ALLOWING it because YOU don't want to work and EARN YOUR OWN LIVING! Get out! 2
Sauron Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) Yes, listen to her, she has analyzed your situation and has over 12,000 posts. Hello?? she has moved on, perhaps she will resolve her conflict with her fiance, and live happily ever after. Maybe he had a fling before he made a committment to get it out of his system, maybe he loves his future wife and child and is doing the right thing by them. Everything evolves and many times in a positive direction. Do you realize that your absoulte judgements probably turn turn more people off, and they most likely dismiss you as an extremist as well as the others in your club . You probably should consider couching your advice in a more subtle diplomatic way, if you want people to actually listen to what you have to say. Edited September 5, 2012 by Sauron
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