UniqueUser Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Three weeks ago a 3 year relationship ended between myself and who I thought would be my lover for life. We weren't engaged, we didn't live together, but we do have a 7 month old son. Us breaking up is my fault. I know that. Neither of us really said "we're done" but I screwed up and left a bruise on her wrist. I've never done anything like that, to anyone. Ive always been able to control myself, and when I've feared I would do something like that I would walk away until I'd calmed down. I was watching our son for the weekend, and she called me Sunday afternoon and we had a disagreement (which I won't explain) and she told me to bring him home now. It was so sudden an I didt want to take him home yet, it was still early. But I took him home. I hadn't even gotten him out of the car and she was outside saying "I'll take him" and I replied "it's okay, I want to at least walk him to the door." and she said "no, it's fine. I'll take him." and I said again I would take him to the door. This went on two more times and she was grabbing at him and it felt like she was trying to take him from me, so I grabbed her wrist to get her to stop. I squeezed too hard.. I then gave him to her and went home and cried. I couldn't believe I had done that. It's haunted me ever since then that I let myself do that to anyone, especially her. I've lost her and ruined a great 3 year relationship. She has already started dating someone else, and I just want him to mess up and give me a chance to get her back. I'm really hoping it's a rebound thing, but I don't know... I've apologized and sent flowers (before she started dating someone else) and I've told her that I won't ever do anything like that again because I hate myself for letting me do it. I don't hate myself because I did it to her, I hate myself for letting it happen, ever. She has told me that I ruined any chance of us getting back together, at least for a very long time. We've had problems in the past (never got physical) and we've been able to get through them. She has cheated on me before, a long time ago, but I found out from her. She told me about it because she wanted honesty to be important in our relationship. And I respected that, a LOT. it wasn't easy, but I took my time and was able to forgive her after some time. We have both messed up before. And we both know it. I don't know what to do, I'm a complete wreck. NC Is not an option... We have a son. I've told her that I will always be there for him, and for her if she needs me. We are able to remain civil, just today we were at the doctors together for our son. Just us, but it was extremely hard for me being there knowing that she has already started seeing someone else. I don't know why to do...
GLDheart Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 She emotionally moved on before you grabbed her wrist. That event now gives her something to cement her stance with. The real problem, like I said, is that she moved on. Be a great man to your child now. That's all you can do. If you want to win her back, you now have to let her go. I know. I know. Thats sounds crazy... but focus on you and your child. If she someday wants to give you another shot, she will let you know. p.s. if that "someday" ever comes, it happens alot quicker if you don't act desperate.
Author UniqueUser Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 She emotionally moved on before you grabbed her wrist. That event now gives her something to cement her stance with. The real problem, like I said, is that she moved on. Be a great man to your child now. That's all you can do. If you want to win her back, you now have to let her go. I know. I know. Thats sounds crazy... but focus on you and your child. If she someday wants to give you another shot, she will let you know. p.s. if that "someday" ever comes, it happens alot quicker if you don't act desperate. Thank you. So far everyone I've talked to (family, friends, etc.) have not told me anything helpful. Just "it's out of your control" crap. While it's true, it's still not the crap I need to hear because I already know that. None of them said anything along the lines of her already emotionally moving on before the wrist. She said it, herself, at one point (not exact words) but I was too emotional for it to click in my head what she meant. Reading your post has made that click, and it honestly, somehow, just made a huge positive difference.
GLDheart Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Stand tall my man. Women come and go, but your child is forever. You have now been promoted to Super Hero status! Enjoy it!!
Exit Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 She emotionally moved on before you grabbed her wrist. That event now gives her something to cement her stance with. I've got to agree with this. There's no way you have a 7 month old with someone, one disagreement gets a little too heated, and within three weeks she is dating someone else. Not without something else already going on under the surface before that argument even happened. She was looking for a way out. It's fine to take responsibility for what you feel you did wrong but don't go overboard with the "it was all my fault" type of stuff. I understand you feel bad that you grabbed her a bit too hard but let's get real you didn't punch her lights out, she was being immature trying to grab the kid away from you multiple times and you reacted without thinking. Again nothing you did would send the mother of your child into dating someone else within a few weeks if she wasn't already unhappy and wanting to see other people. Don't continue to crucify yourself for your little slip up because she will sense that and she'll be more than willing to agree with you that this was all your fault, but it really wasn't. As GLDheart said all you can do is try to keep your dignity and let her go. If a woman loved you and wanted to be with you, a little heated disagreement would not be enough to send her off to start dating other people. She wanted to go, that's not your fault. This is her choice. I think it's pretty sad that she's choosing not to work on the relationship with the person she had a child with. You already apologized and sent flowers, if she was still single it might be open for debate whether you should continue to pursue her or not, but she has sent a clear signal with the fact that she is already seeing someone else, so it's time for you to cut the apologizing and pursuing, she has taken it to a new level by already starting to see someone else, that's where you draw the line and just focus into being there for your son, no matter how much you love someone you don't need to pursue them when they already feel okay to date someone else.
Author UniqueUser Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 I know that this wasn't all my fault. We've been having issues for a while now, but we've worked through each one that came up. I apologized to both of her parents for hurting their daughter and they both said the exact same thing. "I know that she's not completely innocent in this." shes manipulative, but she doesnt unserstand that she's doing it. I know that, and dont let it happen. When she "needs" something she'll try and make you think its the best possible option to make it happen. I think that's Played a part in this as well. The fact that I don't give in unless I see it as necessary as well. I was off a bit when I said none of my family gave me any helpful advice. My sister said that she went through something simIlar with her now husband. When they would fight, my sister would go online for verification from strangers that she was special. Wether that meant they told her she was beautiful or would just talk to her kindly, it was an insecurity issue. And that's what she thinks my ex is going through. Once this new guy stops making her feel special the way she wants, she'll go out and find someone new who will. Part of me thinks that it's true, because I'm not always the most reassuring person. Im not the type to tell someone they're beautiful because they do something with their hair. I'm the tyPe that will tell someone they are beautiful regardless of what they do to make themselves look better. So when they do something (style their hair, for example) I don't even notice because I focus on the personality, rather than the appearance. Even on her worst days she was beautiful to me. the only way we will end up back together is when she realizes that I loved her for who she is, not because she did her hair, or painted her nails. I don't mean that she's shallow. when I don't notice these things it's not because I don't care. I don't think she understands that no matter what she does to herself she is still the same person in my eyes. The fact that she wasnt getting the reaction she expected when she altered her appearance played a role in this as well, I would imagine. Anyways... I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
AlexDP Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I know that this wasn't all my fault. We've been having issues for a while now, but we've worked through each one that came up. I apologized to both of her parents for hurting their daughter and they both said the exact same thing. "I know that she's not completely innocent in this." shes manipulative, but she doesnt unserstand that she's doing it. I know that, and dont let it happen. When she "needs" something she'll try and make you think its the best possible option to make it happen. I think that's Played a part in this as well. The fact that I don't give in unless I see it as necessary as well. I was off a bit when I said none of my family gave me any helpful advice. My sister said that she went through something simIlar with her now husband. When they would fight, my sister would go online for verification from strangers that she was special. Wether that meant they told her she was beautiful or would just talk to her kindly, it was an insecurity issue. And that's what she thinks my ex is going through. Once this new guy stops making her feel special the way she wants, she'll go out and find someone new who will. Part of me thinks that it's true, because I'm not always the most reassuring person. Im not the type to tell someone they're beautiful because they do something with their hair. I'm the tyPe that will tell someone they are beautiful regardless of what they do to make themselves look better. So when they do something (style their hair, for example) I don't even notice because I focus on the personality, rather than the appearance. Even on her worst days she was beautiful to me. the only way we will end up back together is when she realizes that I loved her for who she is, not because she did her hair, or painted her nails. I don't mean that she's shallow. when I don't notice these things it's not because I don't care. I don't think she understands that no matter what she does to herself she is still the same person in my eyes. The fact that she wasnt getting the reaction she expected when she altered her appearance played a role in this as well, I would imagine. Anyways... I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Codependency. And really, your girlfriend was not that special. You'll see that when you're out of the FOG.
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