ntovrhm Posted July 17, 2004 Posted July 17, 2004 Here is what I posted before: What he was doing was totally wrong, and I allowed him to make me feel insecure. I was walking on pins and needles to try and please him, and make sure he didn't take something the wrong way, or think that I was cheating on him or interested in anyone else. I gave up a lot of my normal social ways just so he wouldn't feel insecure about me. That's okay to a certain extent (to make them feel comfortable), but I did it so much that it allowed him to NOT deal with why he would feel that way in the first place (which was his own insecurity). I thought that, with a little time, and once he got to really know me, he would grow out of it. But now, I've chalked it up to: 1) he didn't want to be in a committed relationship, and looked for problems and/or faults with me to get out of it 2) he has alpha-dog issues, and wanted things his way, but refused to give in return. He didn't want to be in a relationship while he was away (the last few months were long distance), and but wanted to keep the door open for when he comes back 3) he is too insecure and mistrustful of women to be in a healthy/caring relationship with someone 4) we just weren't right for each other. Unfortunately, I do not think that he is the type of guy to really look into himself to figure out what went wrong, he is more of the type to chalk it up to the fact that it is what it is, or just put the blame on me. I will never know, because he was never good at having an adult conversation about the relationship and issues within it, and don't think he could do that as "friends" afterwards. He was also never the type to say he was sorry, which was very frustrating. Unfortunately, I wound up apologizing for things when I didn't do anything wrong, and that probably just validated his feelings that he was in the right about a lot of things. Well, No contact worked. My ex recently im'ed me, and started with questions about whether I was seeing someone, and if I "boinked" anybody. Then accused me of lying to him about it, at which point I said he was unbelievable, and not in a good way. Well, part of this led up to his telling me he is coming home for two days. He called (at work, and texted him that I couldn't talk until later). He probably called because I had left a message about dropping his stuff off with his friends (he's out of town, and rented his house to friends and still keeps stuff in his basement). The conversation was normal, and at least I realize what I fell in love with him. But I can't forget the pain he put me through and don't want to. I'm sort of suprised he called me, because last time he did, he tried to make it seem that I didn't support him, even thogh he broke up with me. I sent him a nasty e-mail saying don't bother to talk to me if you're going to be a jerk, because I don't need that in my life. The problem is, when he talked to me, he kept making sexual overtones, and I told him that wasn't going to happen, and that this break-up was tough, and that I couldn't separate my feelings. He said it was tough on him too. (Unfortunately, we did have a great sex life.) I said that maybe we could get a drink when he came in, because he was being decent with me during the conversation, and I would like to be at least cordail with someone I used to love so much. I have to give the stuff back (which I wanted to give back, and he didn't see a need to until he comes back from training) because he does that with exes. Maybe as an excuse to have to see them in the future. I don't know what to do. Maybe he was talking about the good sex times just because he wants to get laid, or maybe that's his way of reconnecting, because he's not good with relationship talk. I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't see him socially. He has trust issues, and I have to mention that he told me on our break-up conversation that I have been with too many people sexually for him to deal with. I'm 34, never been married (engaged once), a semi-looker, and geniune and sweet, and don't know if that is too many people to have been with for a girl. By the way, he is big on honesty, and I was always truthful to him (because I thought I found someone who would understand). He never told me his numbers by the way, and I know that can't be much off from mine. He just couldn't handle it. Sorry this is so long and disjointed, but I don't know what to do. We will not have sex, and I will not forget how he treated me, but is it even worth it to try and talk about our problems? Or should I just try and be friendly and let him go? Or should I be vengeful, and and let him know what he will never have again, and say bye-bye. I was doing so well, and know I feel lost.
Dinny Posted July 17, 2004 Posted July 17, 2004 O dear! Sounds to me like you haev a commitment phobic ex on your hands girl! I've just come out of a 16 month reltionship with someone the same and you may not like to hear this but if I were you i would not meet him, do not contact him again and thank your lucky stars that you didn't end up marrying this guy!!! I know how hurt and lonely you probably are but great sex is no compensation for the way he treated you! I don't think he specifically brought up the sexual side because he's looking to get laid but I think its his way to get to you because he knows its the one part of your relationship that didn't have a problem! I know you think you will be strong enough to meet this guy for a drink and that nothing will happen but you know yourself, a few drinks, alot of laughs about the good times and you will end up in bed with him and then you'll be kicking yourself! thinking "I went through all of that hurt and pain for nothing!" because let me tell you.......you cannot change someone unless they decide to change first. If he had come back to you with arms in the air saying "I'm so sorry for what I put you through and I'll do whatever it takes to make it right for us" then fair enough but he didn't! He came back to you asking you if you'd slept with someone else and that he can't deal with the amount of partners you've had! WHAT!!! That's none of his business!!! It's what happens when you are together is all that counts!! Any rational, stable human being would say the same! My commitment phobic boyfriend was EXACTLY the same! I, like you am also 34, friendly, warm, loving & giving but I have been through so much in the past with other boyfriends who were abusive, mentally, physically and emotionally and when I met this guy and we were really close I told him about my past because I thought that we should be honest which each otherand what did he do?.........instead of saying he admired me for my strength after coming through all of that....he penalised me and said that HE couldn't deal with MY past!!!! I gave 150% to this relkationship for nearly a year and a half and in the ned I had to walk away because I was a mess. I had no self confidence, self esteem, I was insecure and depressed, all because this guy blamed me for everything that was wrong in our relationship and yet it was HIM that was causing all the problems. I was walking on egg shells around him incase I upset him, I put up with him going out with his mates when he felt like it but he would never take me out on the town! He wasn't bad to me, we were best friends but it was like loving a brick wall. Darlin, do yourself a favour and the next time this guy calls you tell him that you gave the relationship 100% that he is no good for you, that you want to find a loving, giving supportive partner and that unfortunately it is his loss that he has lost you and say goodbye and put the phone down and THEN break your heart NOT before because honey he needs to leart that you won't put up with his nonsense anymore and that you are a strong independant woman who won't be available whenever HE decides to see YOU. Please trust me on this............that guy drained you of all of your positive ebergy and used it for himself....that's waht happened to me too! He won't change and you deserve better!!!! I'm now in my 5th week of break up and I have been so low and missed my ex so much BUT I'm starting to heal now and keep telling myself someday he will realise what he had with me but its his loss I'm gonna find someone who will love me for me and adore my like I deserved to be for what I put into my reltionships!!!! I'm going to forward you a wee poem that I posted in one of the other forums the other day.............you read it girl and stick with what it says............ Good luck and if you need to just get intouch and we'll get through this together Take care!
Dinny Posted July 17, 2004 Posted July 17, 2004 ntovrhm: As promised.........the liitle poem.......... .....................I came across a little poem around Christmas time and I have it up on my wall here in work and I want to share it with you girls cos we all seem to be in the same boat!! Part of it goes like this............. "Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love but rather, makes me realise that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along. I trust in the goodness of the universe to provide me with a man who loves me enough to make me feel cherished; a man whose love makes me feel "better" about myself when we're together and secure when we're apart. ..........................If this relationship doesn't work out, then I will have faith that the universe was clearing the way for the right man to come along" This is only certain extracts from the poem but I think it is beautiful and I hope it helps some of you girlies out there!!
Author ntovrhm Posted July 17, 2004 Author Posted July 17, 2004 I think you are right. Although I wouldn't want anyone to go though what I went through, it's nice to hear from someone who understands. And the poem is exactly on target. BOY have I learned a lesson. The guy is a real jerk, and I refuse to waste any more time over him. Hang in there yourself! It takes some time for your heart to catch up with your mind, but you are certainly on the right path . . . .
Dinny Posted July 18, 2004 Posted July 18, 2004 I'm so glad I was able to help you hun, make sure you hold on to that resolve now and try not to break down if he does get intouch!!! I'm feelin a bit better again today, I had been really low because I don't have much of a social circle but I got a few text messages from friends today asking me to go to the cinema, out for a birthday party etc and I'm gonna make sure I do!!!! I think that's the secret, I've read so many stories in these forums and there are so many strong people out there who have survived what you and I are going through and alot of them have happy endings were they do meet somebody new who treats them right and the same will happen for us girl! Keep me posted now if there are any new developments y'hear hee! and remember to take care of you!!!
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