Altair Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) Good evening readers. I'm in a relationship with a girl that is comming close to 2 years. It's a second time she is in a long-term relationship. We love each other and everything is good on all fronts. However she once told me that she has cheated on her ex-boyfriend once while on vacation abroad with a complete stranger. She said she "wanted to try something new". She also said I was the very 1st person to find out after a good few years since this happened. This was long ago. Recently she said that her friend (a guy who likes her) has been in our house while I was at work, as she just showed him the house, and she never invited anyone here before. As she always likes to read my messages and texts and SMS and FB messages and all else (which I don't mind as I have nothing to hide from her) I have decided to do the same for a peace of mind. And there I found a number of flirting messages from him, most of which go slightly beyond the line. And, they have been carrying on for some time now. My mind tells me that she did this before, why won't she again? and I will never know about this. How do I approach this situation as I don't want to hurt her because I truly love her. I am probably wrong with what's going on.. Just need someone's opinion. Edited August 23, 2012 by Altair Grammar
Woggle Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 She probably will do it again since she seems to have no remorse for the first time. 2
seibert253 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 If she's having inappropriate conversations with this other dude, and he's been in your house; very disrespectful to you. IMO she's already cheated. Call her out on it. Dont' reveal your sources, but tell her you KNOW she's having inappropriate conversations with this "friend", and because of that you do not trust that nothing happened when he was in YOUR home. Tell her you feel hurt and disrespected and you will not tolerate that in this relationship. She either ends all contact with her "friend", or she can pack her things and adios. IMO she's cheated before, she's cheating now, she will cheat again. Dump her and move on.
veggirl Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 YOU don't want to hurt HER?! WTF? She is cheating on you! Sending sexy messages or whatever (you said they crossed the line) is cheating! and Woggle is right, the fact that she doesn't feel remorse for cheating in the past is a huge red flag. Also a red flag? Her spying on you. She spies on you because she knows SHE is guilty of something, so she projects that onto you. 2
Author Altair Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 YOU don't want to hurt HER?! WTF? She is cheating on you! Sending sexy messages or whatever (you said they crossed the line) is cheating! and Woggle is right, the fact that she doesn't feel remorse for cheating in the past is a huge red flag. Also a red flag? Her spying on you. She spies on you because she knows SHE is guilty of something, so she projects that onto you. I was probably not very clear in my original post, for which I apologise! The messages I saw were not sent by her. It's the guy who flirts with her for some time now and slightly pushing it. I know only that they are friends. I haven't seen anything that says she is flirting with him aswell. This is what is so confusing. I am just unsure if anything is going on.
all_hail_me Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Er, OP, if he was in your house... that's really REALLY wrong. Why would she invite him over, and while you were at work? I'm cool with my bf's friends coming over because he's known them since he was a kid, and they're the same gender. If he invited a chick over, I'd go berserk! You should talk to your gf and tell her you're not fine with this. I think you should ask her to drop contact with this guy and if she won't, then maybe you should move on. As you and everyone else on this thread has pointed out, she's cheated in her past. This is not cool.
Chi townD Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I was probably not very clear in my original post, for which I apologise! The messages I saw were not sent by her. It's the guy who flirts with her for some time now and slightly pushing it. I know only that they are friends. I haven't seen anything that says she is flirting with him aswell. This is what is so confusing. I am just unsure if anything is going on. Oh, so it probably put you at ease when you saw her response to the flirting texts that said, " Hey, I have a boyfriend and you need to tone that down or else I need to end this friendship with you because you're making me feel uncomfortable." So, that should have put you at ease.... Who am I kidding...she's didn't send that text even though it should have been the one she should have sent!!! You need to talk to her because that road she's on is leading to bad places. 2
wingman67 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I have to agree that, at the very LEAST, what she is doing is highly disrespectful even if the actual physical act of "cheating" hasn't happened (yet), at least as far as you know. I was cheated on by my wife several years ago and before I found out about it, I also found conversations between both of them that were, as you put it, "over the line" and not long after she physically cheated with the guy. After a lot of deliberation (I called her out on it and she admitted what happened) I decided to forgive (though NEVER forget).....and it happened again. The point is, from my own experience (and you can take it as you'd like), if she will cheat on you once she will likely do it again though might just be better at keeping you from finding out about it the next time. I would suspect that the messages you found are probably just the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what else has been/is happening on the sly that you haven't yet discovered? Trust your instincts. After being on this big round ball for nearly a half-century that's one thing I've learned. If something feels wrong to you, DON'T IGNORE IT. We have those instinctive feelings for a reason. Fire very often isn't far away from the smoke you see in the distance.
nofool4u Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 How do I approach this situation as I don't want to hurt her because I truly love her. You don't want to hurt her, but she is displaying questionable behavior with regards to her fidelity?? Why would you even be in love with someone that cheats and just says it was because she "wanted to try something new"? Oh well, thats all, just wanted a change:o I don't see how you can love someone who has an "oh well" attitude about cheating. And she more than likely thinks that her flirting with this other guy behind your back should be accepted as nothing by you. Personally, I wouldn't be with her, but thats up to you. But I suggest finding a better girl.
Madman81 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Imagine the situations reversed. You've been receiving flirty texts from a female friend. You invite said female friend over to your house while your GF is at work. Would your GF be okay with that? It sounds like you've never met this "friend". Although I'll bet dollars to donuts that he knows you exist. Yet he's still actively trying to get in your GF's pants. There's a useful rule of thumb in (hetero) relationships. Any opposite sex friend of one of the partners must also be a "friend of the relationship". That is, that friend must be supportive of the relationship, and not doing anything to undermine it. It sounds as though that's what this guy is trying to do. Ergo, he should basically be persona non grata. I think you need to meet this guy in the presence of your GF. It's inappropriate for her to be hanging out with a guy who openly flirts with her, without you present.
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