lastresort Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I have been divorced now for over a year almost 2 years since she left. I don't think she ever cheated and I know I never did. I just can't get over trust issues with my new girlfriend. I dont know what it is. How long did it take other divorcees to get over trust? Will it ever end. I have friends that say even after 5+ years they still havent gotten over it. THANKS!
M30USA Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I have been divorced now for over a year almost 2 years since she left. I don't think she ever cheated and I know I never did. I just can't get over trust issues with my new girlfriend. I dont know what it is. How long did it take other divorcees to get over trust? Will it ever end. I have friends that say even after 5+ years they still havent gotten over it. THANKS! Trust is a fragile thing. It easily gets lost between two people, and it's virtually impossible to reestablish. After several relationships, it gets harder and harder to trust. This is just a fact. Whether or not it's directly from relationships or just life experience, we become hardened so that we don't get used and abused again. That's why we stop trusting. In order to trust, you have to basically make yourself vulnerable.
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Trust is a fragile thing. It easily gets lost between two people, and it's virtually impossible to reestablish. After several relationships, it gets harder and harder to trust. This is just a fact. Whether or not it's directly from relationships or just life experience, we become hardened so that we don't get used and abused again. That's why we stop trusting. In order to trust, you have to basically make yourself vulnerable. No, you don't - in fact, quite the opposite. the other two supports to a stable, balanced and cooperative relationship are effective communication, and respect - for self, and partner. They - together with trust - are mutually supportive. I would venture to guess that the OP has not confided his trust issues to his GF, and she has no clue why he may be feeling this way, although his manner towards her may be telling - and i would further suggest she's going to get heartily sick and tired of his mistrust.... Furthermore, due to having been crushed by his previous break-up, he may still be suffering from depression. and self-respect/esteem is a victim of depression.
Author lastresort Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 I just feel she could leave at any time. I don't mean to feel this way but I just do. I've tried to explain it to her but it just doesn't come out right.
shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I will have to agree with M30USA on the vulnerability issue. Putting faith and trust in another individual makes you vulnerable should that faith and trust be betrayed. When you get "burned", you may be less willing to put yourself in that position again.
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I just feel she could leave at any time. I don't mean to feel this way but I just do. I've tried to explain it to her but it just doesn't come out right. ....So, I take it I was pretty accurate with my hypothesis on the dynamics of your relationship.....? You're scared you'll drive her away, but you know your behaviour may drive her away, and if it does, then you were right... your own fear validates the potential negative results....
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I will have to agree with M30USA on the vulnerability issue. Putting faith and trust in another individual makes you vulnerable should that faith and trust be betrayed. When you get "burned", you may be less willing to put yourself in that position again. The dynamics of a healthy relationship mean you not only trust - but are trustworthy. The dynamics of an unhealthy relationship mean that trust is damaged - but if it's with the same partner, you have to work together to repair it as much as is humanly possible. If you find yourself with a new partner, you owe it to them - and to yourself - to not project that lack of trust. It's not their fault you were 'burned'. Fix it - get counselling and be completely open with your new partner. If they love you, they'll support you and work with you. If you notice any misgivings on their part - then do what you must to prevent that escalating. even if it means dumping them. 2
shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Trust still invites vulnerability. That was my point.
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 You're not getting it. If you don't trust - you're the one leaving yourself vulnerable. It's nobody else's fault or responsibility to address that. Honesty, openness and clarity go far towards preventing you from being vulnerable....
shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Tara: I understand your point of view. I just respectfully disagree with it.
M30USA Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Trust still invites vulnerability. That was my point. TaraMaiden is just a contrarian. 1
Woggle Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 While trust is an important part of any relationship once somebody betrays it it is very hard to ever place trust in a person again. It really is. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I remember during a devestating break up with a GF in highschool, my mom told me to think of time with my GF as a gift. That was an interesting perspective. Not sure that works for marriage though...especially if you have kids. I'm struggling with the same trust thing but am in an earlier stage. I'm just 2 month separated, and my wife did cheat. I have a lot of fear that I will be so disfuncional in the future because of trust issues...that it will be hard for me to maintain any relationship. I like the advice about vulnerability. You hear it in a lot of songs actually.
trippi1432 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Lastresort...it's not vulnerability...it's baggage left over from a previous relationship. It's also finding someone who respects what you have been through and YOU respecting what they have been through. Both are equally important, but both equally need to be re-distributed in the past. <---- 99.9% of the time, that is the issue. I typically try to empathize with what people go through in life, it is their life and the people they love can be utterly evil (we are not the ones living it here), but while there is expectation for the other person in your life to understand what you have been through, they are not the person who wronged you, they are just themselves. If they are just being themselves and you still cannot trust or find yourself having to be vulnerable beyond what you are comfortable with, then you have to look inward to see if you are being fair to the person who is asking for your trust as much as you are wanting to trust.
tojaz Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 The dynamics of a healthy relationship mean you not only trust - but are trustworthy. The dynamics of an unhealthy relationship mean that trust is damaged - but if it's with the same partner, you have to work together to repair it as much as is humanly possible. If you find yourself with a new partner, you owe it to them - and to yourself - to not project that lack of trust. It's not their fault you were 'burned'. Fix it - get counselling and be completely open with your new partner. If they love you, they'll support you and work with you. If you notice any misgivings on their part - then do what you must to prevent that escalating. even if it means dumping them. Tara hit it right on the head.... as usual. Lastresort, if you didn't trust this woman, then you most likely wouldn't be with her. What your working through is fear. The fear of missing something, the fear of the unknown, and yes the fear of having that trust taken advantage of. I'm sure that's going to be considered splitting hairs to some, but thats how I eventually broke it down for myself. Speaking 3 years on the other side of the big D, I'll let you know when that fear stops creeping in, but I wouldn't hold my breathe if I were you. I will say that after taking some chances and yes getting burned once or twice, I learned that the only way to get past that fear is to stick my neck out, be vulnerable, and know that I had already survived the worst, so I could handle anything bad that happened and was more then ready for the positive side of the coin. Talk to your GF, tell her where your head is at and the fears that your having. Face what may or may not go bump in the night so you can get back to enjoying whats right in front of you. TOJAZ 2
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 TaraMaiden is just a contrarian. :laugh: I'm a contrarian to people who are so stuck in their views that they point-blank refuse to be open-minded enough to accept that someone who constructively and logically disagrees with some things they say, may well have a point.... con·trar·i·an [kuhn-trair-ee-uhn] noun a person who takes an opposing view, especially one who rejects the majority opinion. Er..... I think you'll find - that's you, M30USA.....
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