Prince Charming turned out to be a total toad

[BecomingABetterMe]

It's been 11 days since I broke up with my boyfriend (I keep thinking how much that sounds like an Alcoholics Anonymous statement - 30 days clean and sober!). I've been reading these forums a lot and they really help, although I can't keep reading too many breakup stories or they really bring me down! I thought I'd share, just as part of the process of moving on.

 

I dated my college sweetheart for five years. We lived together for two years and the last of those two years we were engaged. He was a very sweet, super-quiet guy who worked very hard as a firefighter and bought a beautiful home for us. Three months shy of our wedding, he had been working a ton (picked up one extra job as a flight medic and another as a paramedic instructor) and hanging out with his buddies whenever he wasn't working. I told him that he didn't have to work so much (I make good money too, so there was no need for him to have to work more than normal) and maybe we could take more time to spend together, but we both realized that he loves work and the firefighter Brotherhood more than he loved me. We split amicably and while I was hurt and he stated that he was making the biggest mistake of his life, we both knew that we weren't right for each other.

 

My self esteem was completely shot after ending the engagement. I moved away from our small hometown, made a ton of friends, and after four months jumped back into dating. I finally landed an amazing job and met a doctoral student who was way more handsome (downright hot) and charming than any guy I'd ever dated. He took me on amazing, fun dates, lavished me with attention, and told me how beautiful I am all of the time. All of the things my fiance never did for me. I was a little suspicious at first because he just seemed way too smooth, but eventually relaxed and thought that he really was genuine. We could talk for hours and had amazing chemistry. His program is insanely challenging, but he would still make time to see me at least once a week and after a while said that he couldn't stand not seeing me for a week at a time and started regular mid-week dates as well.

 

All this time I tried to take things pretty slowly, letting communication and dates happen at his pace. He expressed that I was the most laid-back/non-demanding/low-maintenance girl he'd ever dated. Maybe that came from dating a firefighter and having to be fairly independent. He ate up every second with me. After three months of dating, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I hesitated and considered asking for another month of just dating, but thought that would hurt his feelings pretty badly, so we talked about what we wanted out of a relationship for a couple of hours and that was that. We discussed my concerns about his demanding doctoral program (I wasn't about to put myself in the same situation twice) and that I am looking for someone to potentially spend the rest of my life with.

 

Before we slept together without condoms, I asked that we both get an STD test. He told me that he'd had one a month before we met and hadn't slept with anyone since, and I stupidly took him at his word. This is where I can begin to acknowledge major craziness on my behalf. He has a phone with a pass code on it. That pass code flipped a switch inside me that wanted to know what he was hiding so badly that it made me nuts. I finally figured out the pass code and looked on his phone. He was signed into Facebook and I looked at the messages, one of which was from a girl that he'd slept with AFTER his STD test saying that she'd tested positive for an STD. He knew this, and yet did not think it was important to tell me! There were also text messages to and from his ex girlfriend indicating that they'd still been sleeping together long after they broke up, and that the STD test had actually been done three months before he'd originally told me. I went straight to my doctor, got tested again, and sure enough I was positive. Thankfully it's treatable and the infection will likely clear and be gone for good. From now on I don't care how crazy a boyfriend thinks I am, I am going to insist on seeing the test results before I go bare.

 

I have never done something so psychotic as to hack a boyfriend's phone before. I was beside myself with rage that this guy lied to me, but didn't know how to confront him without revealing that I'd snooped. I simply went to him with my results, asked straight-on whether he'd lied about the STD test and asked if he'd slept with anyone after the test, and he explained it away by saying he'd confused the dates. He acted incredibly remorseful for having given me an STD, that he had no idea he was infected, and admitted to sleeping with the one girl who he *thought* was a "clean girl" (but did not admit to the ex, who by that time actually had a new boyfriend who she was cheating on with my boyfriend!). For someone in the healthcare field, he seemed to be 100% clueless about sexual health.

 

Because I felt like I was incredibly in the wrong in the first place for snooping through his phone, I forgave him and moved on. We went back to using condoms and our relationship continued on as it had before. I cheered him on, helped him study, and gave him lots of space when classes got tough. He came to loathe his program more and more, until we'd been together for four months and he asked what I would think about him transferring to a better program ten hours away. At first I cried, and he told me that he loved me for the first time. I told him that I thought he should go, that it seemed to be better for his career, and that he wouldn't be so miserable in the new program. My initial thought was that we hadn't been together long enough to embark on a LDR, but he was so convincing that we could make it work, that I was The One and he would come right back to our city once he was done with his program in a year and a half.

 

I thought that he was so incredible that I would at least give it a chance. I loved him so much that it felt like my heart would burst. My family loved him, my friends were charmed by him, and his family welcomed me as if I was their own (and unknown to me, his dad had been encouraging him to propose to me at the end of the year). He took the summer off from classes and promised me that we would spend as much time as possible together doing all the awesome things we did when we first met last fall. The first half of the summer was great, until I lost my job in a round of layoffs at my firm. I was stunned. I started thinking about my options. I've already taken the GRE and was able to get into a good program through a streak of incredible luck. I'd been experiencing a lot of listlessness and disinterest at my job, despite the amazing pay, and knew that I needed more of an intellectual challenge. Despite feeling very anxious and somewhat depressed about the sudden and drastic change in life plans, I've filled the last six weeks by visiting family, hanging out with friends, exercising, and spending time with my boyfriend.

 

Apparently, too much time. Over the summer, he'd been putting off a lot of the things he needed to do to complete his transfer and plan his move to a new home. He was not taking classes and only working occasionally, so the lack of preparedness was due to pure procrastination. He became irritable and frequently lashed out at me, making me feel like I was pathetic because of my job loss, and saying that he did not want to have to be emotional support for me. He blamed me for his procrastination. After a family gathering at which he felt he was made to look really bad (he was acting like a jerk to me and his brothers noticed), I sat him down to talk about why he was reacting this way.

 

To me, the purpose of a relationship is to support each other in good times and bad. I'd been nothing but supportive of him through an incredibly tough program, and at the first sign that life was getting tough, he completely bailed. I told him that I would step back and we could spend less time together, and that I realized that I was being needy. If he could maybe be a little more kind and patient with me, we would be okay. His response was, "This is just how I react to stress. I really don't think I need to change anything." He then left and did not talk to me further. I spent the night agonizing, knowing that I couldn't stay in a relationship with such a selfish person.

 

He came over the next day and I broke up with him. He cried, I did not. I tried to be direct and honest. He said that he still thinks that I am absolutely perfect, that I really had not been needy, and that he hopes that when he's done with his program I'll take him back. He stayed for a while and we held each other and kissed goodbye. After a couple days I blocked him from Facebook because it hurt so bad to be reminded of him all the time (I let him know ahead of time what I was doing and why). He text messaged me every couple of days wanting me to pay attention to him and got mad when I wouldn't give him enough of a response, even to the point of trying to start a fight just so I'd pay attention. I finally called and told him to please stop, that it hurt every time he texted me. He still wants to see me before he leaves for his new school, but I don't see the point.

 

I know that I will get better, that I have an amazing new adventure starting with grad school, that I have a lot of family and friends who love and support me. I just question how I got so entangled with someone who was so toxic to me. There were so many red flags, but I only saw the good things. His parents went through a horrific divorce and custody battle, they've both been remarried multiple times, meth addicted mom, mom's boyfriend pulling a gun on him, he's had a ton of relationships and sexual partners, he pushed for a relationship and fell in love so fast, his ex once wrote me on Facebook to warn me about him, he kept two photo albums full of pictures of that ex, he exchanged numbers with a bunch of girls at a conference, he criticized my taste in clothing as not being sexy enough, on and on. The guy gave me an STD, ferchristsake! WTF was I thinking? I jumped into dating way too quickly after breaking off my engagement and went and picked the biggest snake I could find! I have never experienced this level of dysfunction before.

 

I am determined to stay single for at least until the end of my first year of grad school, repair my self-esteem, and just be happy being by myself. I do not want to be so desperate for love that I will welcome the first d-bag I come across with open arms! I know that I had a stable, drama-free relationship at one point and that I can do it again. I'm feeling better with each passing day and have been going to regular appointments with my counselor (who I've been seeing since my engagement ended). Congrats if you've read this far. Ladies . . . beware Prince Charming . . . he very well may be a complete toad.

Edited August 23, 2012 by BecomingABetterMe

[Vikki_26]

Well done for breaking up with him. Wow makes me think I cant trust anyone any more! My ex I was engaged to as well. Dont want to date again incase I get this!

[BecomingABetterMe]

Give yourself plenty of time to heal. I know now that was my biggest downfall. My counselor also said a couple of great things: 1) We attract people with the same level of self esteem that we have, and 2) These super charming guys often have deep-seated insecurities and are master manipulators. So definitely rebuild that self esteem and know that even if jumping back into dating feels good, it really makes you blind to the new person's faults.

 

Don't be afraid to date again at some point in the future, though. There are awesome, trustworthy guys out there. Just keep your eyes open and don't explain away red flags to yourself.

[Crila16]

Wow. You are such an inspiration. I wish more women had the strength to get themselves out of a toxic relationship as quickly as you did. You are so confident and secure with yourself, which is a rarety. You actually like yourself and know what you want and know that you deserve better. A lot of women sometimes never figure this out.

 

Good luck in school...and you will find your prince. I'm still waiting for my prince, and I've certainly kissed a lot of toads.

[BecomingABetterMe]

Wow. You are such an inspiration. I wish more women had the strength to get themselves out of a toxic relationship as quickly as you did. You are so confident and secure with yourself, which is a rarety. You actually like yourself and know what you want and know that you deserve better. A lot of women sometimes never figure this out.

 

Good luck in school...and you will find your prince. I'm still waiting for my prince, and I've certainly kissed a lot of toads.

 

Thanks. A lot of the time it seems like the confidence is all an act. My friends and family keep telling me how amazingly strong I am, but I don't really feel like it most of the time. I hurt so much, but it gets better with each day. I am excited to reach the day when it's been 30, 60, 90 days since the breakup and my heart will be on it's way to healing. It's just so important to me that I take care of myself and not date again in the meantime. I hope I'm strong enough not to fall into the same trap again and feel secure enough that I won't need to be in a relationship until I'm really ready for one.