paige92 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Hello! I'm new here, so please forgive me if I post this in the wrong section. I'm here because I'm in a situation that is really troubling me. I'll try my best to keep it as short as possible! I'm 20 years old, but I consider myself pretty mature for my age (well, I think). I'm currently completing my last year of college and I'll be graduating early with my degree next December. I'm very ambitious, I've always had a "plan" and goals that I want to accomplish. I met my ex-boyfriend when we were only fourteen years old. We attended the same high school and became a "couple" shortly after we met. We grew very close and we were each other's first love, first kiss, and first relationship. We had a solid relationship, and I'm not sure if this is significant but we never had sex, we decided early to wait until marriage. We were together for 6 years until I broke everything off this past May. I can honestly say I love him more than any other person on this planet, and I know without a doubt that he feels the same way about me. However, throughout our relationship he became very dependent upon me. He struggled through high school and it really troubled me because I wanted him to be successful and I cared about him. I thought it was harmless at the time, so I stepped up and (as much as I hate to admit) began acting more like a mother to him. I registered him for classes, made him study for tests, did his homework on occasion, etc. Soon, this translated to other situations and before I knew it I was applying him for his first job, pushing him to get his driver's license, etc. I think he really enjoyed the fact that I would take care of his big issues, so he never took initiative to do things on his own. He knew that I would make sure everything was in place for his future. I always felt like I was multiple steps ahead of him.. and it began to seem like he was more of a kid than a partner to me. I've been aware of this for the last couple of years, and I made an attempt to stop doing things for him in order to motivate him to take responsibility of his life. It didn't go well, and he failed 3 out of 4 of his classes and was suspended from college for an entire year. I guess I feel like I've lost a lot of feelings for him over the course of our relationship because of this. I don't feel like he could take care of me if we were to get married. There have been instances when I need something taken care of or even just needed help with school and he wasn't there. He doesn't show interest in helping me or taking care of me and I feel like it's because he knows I'll always step up and "get everything done." He told me that if it weren't for me, he wouldn't be in school and things would be different. This scares me because I don't think I can spend my life with someone who has no motivation to better himself. Despite this, I know he would never hurt me emotionally. He was very selfless in other areas of our relationship. When we broke things off, he swore that he would "grow up" because he wants to be with me one day. We decided it's best for us to be apart and work on ourselves. He says he is taking this time to focus on school, figure out what career path he wants to take, etc. We decided that maybe sometime down the road we can try again. Fast forward two months into July, and I meet guy #2 out of the blue. I already knew his mother, and she introduced us while he was on military leave. He ends up asking me to dinner, and I honestly don't know why I said yes. I knew I wasn't ready to date anyone else, but he seemed really nice and I was really lonely. We ended up hitting it off and I've never had so much in common with anyone. He is extremely ambitious, he loves his job, and he is four years older than me. He is constantly trying to better himself in different ways, which I love. The fact that he is so ambitious encourages me, which is different because I feel like my ex hindered me. He is financially stable and good with his money. I love his personality and we also have great physical chemistry, as well. I was really attracted to my ex in the first few years of our relationship, but that has faded over time.. I feel safe when I am with this guy, and he is the kind of man I picture myself with. Guy #2 is fairly serious about me and has told me so. He has asked me to be official, but I told him that I need more time and I don't want to move too fast. We have also never done anything sexual. I like this guy #2, but I miss my ex so much it hurts. We still speak occasionally and he is taking our break up extremely hard. I don't know if I just miss him because we were together for so long, or because I'm supposed to be with him. I feel like mentally I'm torn between these two guys and it isn't fair to anyone for me to continue feeling this way. They both treat me really well, although I'm aware that things with guy #2 are completely in the air and I don't know him very well yet. I feel extremely guilty and dishonest, although my friends and family tell me I'm not doing anything wrong. I also feel like this is my fault, I knew I wasn't ready to see anyone else, but here I am in a big mess!
smokey bear Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Its a tough decision to make, take some time, days, to think about it all. You'll work it out in the end xx
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I like this guy #2, but I miss my ex so much it hurts. We still speak occasionally and he is taking our break up extremely hard. I don't know if I just miss him because we were together for so long, or because I'm supposed to be with him. I feel like mentally I'm torn between these two guys and it isn't fair to anyone for me to continue feeling this way. They both treat me really well, although I'm aware that things with guy #2 are completely in the air and I don't know him very well yet. I feel extremely guilty and dishonest, although my friends and family tell me I'm not doing anything wrong. I also feel like this is my fault, I knew I wasn't ready to see anyone else, but here I am in a big mess! If you are even considering going back to your ex... what the hell are you doing messing around with some other guys feelings? Pull your crap together lady and either cut contact with the ex or go back to him. Clearly you have unfinished business in that relationship. It isn't fair at all to string this new guy along. I'd say cut him loose and go back to the unmotivated bum until you are tired enough of that crap to really move on.
sillysomeone Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 That was well thought out. You are very mature for a 20 year old. However, you are only 20. You should really date a few different people in your life. If this guy you have been with since 14 is the one it will come back around. There are lots of people in the world. He sounds like he is using you to meet his needs and you are using him to meet your emotional needs. Co-dependance. Honestly, you will likely date a few different people and then find the right one. Or maybe you should be single for a while so you know what it is like to not be dependent on anyone. In a year or so you will be so happy that you progressed in your life and probably never want to go back to that guy. People change a LOT from 14 to 20 and A LOT more from 20 to 30. Its normal to drift apart.
morichu Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Wow this is weird. I've actually found myself in this mess before. I was guy #2 the ambitious handsome one with good grades and already set on a career in engineering. Dated a girl who had a clingy desperate ex boyfriend who was a college dropout. The guy couldn't leave her alone because he was a flat out scrub who couldn't get another girl. Eventually I just dumped her myself because i didn't have time for that crap. Idk how this helps you at all but prepare for a mess and remember don't date anybody when you still have unresolved feelings with your ex
MercuryMorrison1 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Well the obvious choice is to go with guy number 2 IMO. Your ex go used to you babying him and fighting all his fights for him. That's why he flunks out of things and fails at school and everything else now. Because he was never forced to grow up. He always had you there to catch him if things got to hairy. Since I don't know you or your ex on a personal level I can't really pass judgement here...But based on what I've seen in other people, I think your ex is in for a hard life. He's not motivated to be better, and he sounds like the type who would rather just sit at home hoping to win the lottery while his mom, or you pay his bills, feed him, cloth him and put a roof over his head. There is a possiblity that he could change. If he really love's you and is TRUELLY afraid of living a life without you, he may man up and do what it takes to earn back your companionship, but if I were you I wouldn't hold my breath for that. Guy number 2 on the other hand sounds like a pretty streight shooter. He's a few years older for one. Which may not seem like much, but people in their twentys are learning things so quickly and in such bulk that there is often a signifigant gap in maturity between someone who's 20 or 21 and someone who's 24 or 25. I myself am 24 years old and sometimes I laugh when I think back to how I used to see and do things when I was 20 years old. My advice is to move on. Give guy number 2 a chance. But DO NOT and I mean DO NOT do this if you have un-resolved feelings for your ex. Its really ****ty to string someone along and stomp on their feelings when there really is no need for it.
mortensorchid Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Go with the new guy. You will regret it if you don't, plus you will feel bad if you waste more time with the old one. Experience more.
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