cheated one time 21 years ago before marriage

[2sunny]

Straight from the husband's mouth - he would have been able to deal with things at the time if the OP had been honest.

 

But she still wasn't willing to be honest when he asked her a few months ago - so she's giving evidence that she WILL LIE if it serves her purpose and works to HER advantage!

 

She didn't consider HIS feelings back then- or even recently = UNTIL she was BACKED INTO A CORNER!

 

I'd have a REALLY hard time trusting a person like that too! Married or not - she not "believable!"

[nofool4u]

Straight from the husband's mouth - he would have been able to deal with things at the time if the OP had been honest.

 

But back then, he may have dealt with it differently than how he is basically forced to deal with it today.

 

Again, I think these two will survive and move on from this. But back then, if he is like most guys that found out their gf's have cheated, she'd have been history.

 

But at least if she had told him back then, he'd of had a choice.

[2sunny]

A "minor hiccup" compared to 20 years of happy marriage. They had only been dating a couple of months so the boundaries would be different to those expected in a marriage.

 

But the H stated perfectly clear that it was "exclusive" at THAT time.

 

Exclusive/married - it SHOULD really be considered the SAME COMMITTMENT. Yet she crossed the boundary without disclosing it to him... Disrespectful at best.

[nofool4u]

A "minor hiccup" compared to 20 years of happy marriage. They had only been dating a couple of months so the boundaries would be different to those expected in a marriage.

 

Not really. Unless two people dating would say, "hey, we are committed, but its still ok to cross a boundary and cheat with another man"

 

And IF cheating was a minor hiccup, she wouldn't have felt the need to lie about it out of fear of losing him back then. Obviously she had a reason to think she would lose him, therefore she took that choice away from him.

[2sunny]

A "minor hiccup" compared to 20 years of happy marriage. They had only been dating a couple of months so the boundaries would be different to those expected in a marriage.

 

I absolutely did not say that the continual lies were a minor hiccup - the complete opposite in fact. Please go back and re-read my post.

 

Which is it Anne? You seem to be contradicting yourself...

[anne1707]

Which is it Anne? You seem to be contradicting yourself...

 

 

Not at all

 

 

Things I have said:

• boundaries whilst dating could be different to those when married
  
• if the OP had confessed straight away, the H would have been able to deal with that more easily (did not say whether they would have stayed together or not) - the H has actually said this
  
• that if she had disclosed it MAY have been nothing or a minor hiccup to the relationship AT THAT TIME
  
• that the subsequent lack of disclosure is a huge problem
  
• that the OP needs to answer all her husbands questions, that she needs to be fully committed if they are going to make this work
  
• that she may genuinely not remember all the details
  
• that the husband needs to decide for himself whether his wife is being honest
  

[turnera]

I was hoping to get advice from people who HAVE healed. There have been some really helpful posts but there are some really bitter people out there and misery loves company.

I haven't experienced infidelity, but I do have an opinion.

 

IMO, for those who take advantage of it, learning of an infidelity can be a wakeup call to what you have been missing in your marriage, even if it happened years ago. It makes you take stock of what you have, what you really want, and whether you can get it with this person. And it puts you on a path to achieving those dreams that you've likely been forgetting about and stop taking your marriage for granted. If done correctly, this can be a blessing in disguise. It sounds like that's what you're making of it.

 

And Hammer, since this is your thread, all you can do is be there for him and never ever again lie about anything. He'll sense that over time, I think.

[2sunny]

I agree that we dream of things that are on our minds - taking up space in the mind.

 

And for him to have learned of it this way is terribly hurtful.

 

ANY rug sweeping will only CAUSE MORE RESENTMENT between them - and cause distance and negative energy in the M.

 

That's why it's REALLY important (now that the cats out of the bag - so to speak) for the betrayed (H) to understand EXACTLY what he's expected to forgive - details and ALL of it!

 

Without total honesty - they have NO point from which to START the HEALING!

 

IF she's not willing to exhaust any and all ways to find THAT truth of what happened - the H will still feel betrayed by his W for NOT KNOWING.

 

I think it's really imperative to FIND OUT what REALLY happened back then.

[tough love]

Interestingly, he DID find out 21 years ago--the OP's friend/roommate TOLD HIM about it.

 

But the OP LIED, and HE swept it under the rug.

 

She lied again 21 years later, and it sounds like he's rug sweeping it again, too.

 

And he seems resentful that the only responses he's getting that he finds "supportive" are from people who have themselves had affairs or are advocates of rug sweeping.

 

To clarify, the roommate didn't come out and spill the beans. She brought that night/party, the subject was quickly changed, and I questioned my W about what had happened and I was told a story which seemed believable at the time. Knowing I what I know now, I was naive to not push the issue more. I am not rug sweeping it now, as some of you think.

[tough love]

Would you at least concede that you rug swept it 21 years ago?

 

I admit I believed what she told me then. I didn't sweep it under the rug, as I trusted her. It's even a bit fuzzy for me as to the exact conversation we had after the roommate made her comment that caused me to question it. I know enough was said that I asked "what was that all about?" Dropped her off at home and discussed it over the phone. It seemed believable at the time, so I never saw it as sweeping it under the rug. I was naive, gullible, foolish, or even stupid to fall for whatever she said and not push the issue. I goofed by not pushing the issue and can't do anything to change that. That was my mistake.

Edited August 27, 2012 by tough love

[nofool4u]

To clarify, the roommate didn't come out and spill the beans. She brought that night/party, the subject was quickly changed, and I questioned my W about what had happened and I was told a story which seemed believable at the time. Knowing I what I know now, I was naive to not push the issue more. I am not rug sweeping it now, as some of you think.

 

I don't think you are rug sweeping now. Its a tough spot to be in. Yours is probably one of the rare situations I don't just blurt out, "divorce her"

 

What I wouldn't put up with is your wife trying to make excuses, whatever they may be, such as trying to say she was drunk, or she was young(she was 19 and an adult, she absolutely knew what she was doing).

 

So you basically said you aren't really bothered by WHAT she did then, but her choice to lie about it.

 

So you know the facts. You know she cheated. I can't remember reading anything to the effect, but are you not sure if you are getting the complete truth? If so, I have to ask, what does it matter. It shouldn't if you don't care about WHAT she did, but rather her lying about it. You know all the truth you need to know....she cheated. Any details are irrelevant. If you are concerned you didn't get the whole truth, then you ARE concerned with the WHAT.

 

Is this something, as put to you by ptero, that you can just "let go"? Maybe you two just need to get out of town for a weekend and get a nice hotel, go out for dinner, have drinks, and relax.

[2sunny]

YOU didn't good! YOU asked! She CHOSE not to be honest!

 

Trust your gut! Stop blaming yourself! She is to blame.

 

That is where you are wrong. And NEVER deny/betray what your gut TELLS YOU.

[turnera]

Just to point out...it is VERY common human nature to withhold self-incriminating information. We learn it by the age of 3 and, depending on the type of childhood you had, it either became ingrained behavior or it didn't. But we all still instantly think of NOT admitting to things that make us look bad. That may be a character flaw, but not necessarily put one in the same league as Ted Bundy.

[nofool4u]

That may be a character flaw, but not necessarily put one in the same league as Ted Bundy.

 

The actual withholding of information may not be, but the cheating....its right up there with a serial killer as far as I'm concerned.

[turnera]

The actual withholding of information may not be, but the cheating....its right up there with a serial killer as far as I'm concerned.

Not this, IMO, and not from an unmarried 19 year old:

When I cheated it lasted about 10 minutes and I stopped it. It was a one time thing. I have never cheated after that.

[nofool4u]

Not this, IMO, and not from an unmarried 19 year old:

 

And seeing as how her husband was going to be reading this thread, of course she is going to put it like that.

 

And how can she not remember details if it was only 10 minutes and she stopped "it".?

 

Her husband isn't getting the whole story as he fears. Wouldn't it stand to reason that she isn't going to tell the truth of what happened knowing he is going to read it here? And just what is the "it" to which she is referring?

[nofool4u]

It's pretty obvious what was happening if you look at the general situation.

 

This was a young horny woman who was geographically separated from her "exclusive" bf. In actuality the OP's husband was her "weekend boyfriend" and in between visits with each other she felt free to mess around somewhat.

 

She cheated, she lied about it, she got away with it.

 

How many cheaters do it "just one time" and then stop when they haven't had to suffer any consequences?

 

The worst part is that the OP, her roommate, and all of their friends were probably laughing their @sses off (at the time) about how OP made a fool out of tough love, how slick she was to talk her way out of it.

 

toughlove, I think the above post hits the nail on the head.

 

However, it was years ago and unless she has had many chances and opportunities to be that horny young woman again over the course of your marriage, I think you can get past this. It all depends on if you think she is still lying, and lied about other things.

 

If she truly hasn't done anything since then and has been faithful ever since, I think you can get past it, but in your own time and not at anyone's insistence of when you should.

 

Make up your own mind, do what you think is right, but just don't take her word for it. The story doesn't jive, as laid out by DS above.

[anne1707]

Hammerhill and Tough Love

 

As you will have probably noticed, I am not flavour of the month with a few posters here but that is the way it goes on a forum like LS. My words have been IMO twisted and misunderstood just because some do not like me because of my past. However Tough Love, you asked for people just like me to post so here I am.

 

I can tell you that it is possible to get through your current crisis, to recover your marriage and be happier and stronger for it. There will always be someone who thinks they know your marriage better than you do but they don't. None of us do. You are the only two who knows what is going on between you and whether there is something worth fighting for.

[wuggle]

..., but the cheating....its right up there with a serial killer as far as I'm concerned.

 

 

Please tell me you are not serious ?? cheating is just as bad as serial murder ??

[2sunny]

Just for the record - I never described his W as a bad person - as she has proven over time that he believes she has been a good wife - and THAT holds a lot of merit.

 

I also never suggested to divorce.

 

I merely said search to find the truth of what the H is EXPECTED to forgive! It will take much effort over time to regain the trust that is NOW in question.

 

Without her "remembering" he has NO way to begin healing. That's just not right to expect him to be capable of forgiving what HE DOESN'T KNOW.

[Wanderer25]

You believe what she's telling you now, too.

 

What exactly has changed?

 

Dude, take a break!! Over-bearing is the word that comes to my mind. You just want to win the argument, somehow and want to be Mr.Right. You are not helping anyone but yourself. Just read your posts again. You are in no position to help.

[Cb3657]

This thread reminds me of the story of Winston Churchill, a great wartime leader but could not be a great peacetime leader, It seem some posters believe everything is a war, I have seen some excellent advice by these posters in other threads where a war was warrented, they are like wartime leaders but i dont think they do well when councilling someone in crisis that is not a war.

HE is staying

HE loves his wife

HE has not yet fogiven nor does he have to

She cheated and lied but not to the degree that warrents the kind of repercussions that many of you believe, He knows this but she has to rebuild trust.

She is not a horrible person- she has lived a good married live and has not cheated, she kept the commitment. You may say the lie broke all her commitments I disagree,she lied to protect herself, oldest story in the book and if you are not prefect you may one day do the same, not for a affair but for a job or to protect yourself against a untrue accusation that you cannot otherwise stop or for other reasons.

 

And I personally believe she does not remember all the details, as you get older details fade, the stong sense of wrong and shame may remain but who wants to relive details of a extremely shamefull act.

 

I realize I am now taking her story at face value you can believe I am foolish or he is but he can always do what some have suggested and get a poly, I am not sure I would.

[Cb3657]

I would not ask for the poly simply because they have to get to trust sooner or later or it will never be over. As I read these post I sincerely feel for those men and women who were damaged by affairs, breaks my heart, also breaks my heart to see the continuing damage

"trust no one"

"she cheated many times"

"shes lieing cause it happened to me"

"she cant be telling the truth cause that not how I do things"

You dont ever have to forgive in your situations but letting mistrust eat you alive is just another way the person who hurt you continues to damage you.

You are free to believe and try to make him believe that his life was a lie.

I will simply say, as so many have in other threads "follow your gut" which in this case is telling him he has a good spouse with alot of work ahead

[Cb3657]

Ducksoup

Well you sure got me, burn it down my friend, burn it all down

[Darth Vader]

All those bulleted highlights are cookie cutter excuses that cheaters use to justify their behavior in their twisted mindset. The only thing she has going for her is that she did not get caught. Ten mins, please you are trickle truthing 21 years later? GTFO.

 

 

Actually, she DID get caught by her husband because she talked in her sleep! Think of it, if she hadn't got caught, she'd still would be lying about her affair! Talk about your RED FLAGS!