LongRoad06 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Sunday August 19... Husband tells me for what he says is the last time we are not compatible, bring out the worst and just can't get along. Two weeks prior I said the same thing. We have used divorce as a way to manipulate each other. We have ZERO idea how to communicate with each other. It is like we speak two different languages. Background: married one year. He is in his mid 30's I am late 20's. When we do get along it is great. Now it seems we no longer know how. There is a huge distrust factor stemming from him hiding debt and lying to me about spending money. I am having a hard time getti over it and trusting him gsin. He keeps not telling me things so i wnt nag about them. That is fine but when i find out it makes things worse. I took over finances and we are now financially secure (more than ok to pay off debt) but I nag him constantly about spending money because the debt isn't gone. He resents me for it. I am also a pessimist by nature. I have never had to tone it down. He is a sensitive happy go lucky person. He can not stand that I look for the worst possible outcome and plan for it. I feel he needs to learn more responsibility and tone down the happy go lucky. We have both said some pretty nasty things to each other. He claims to not want to be miserable the rest of his life. I don't believe in divorce even though I did use it against him. I am in the military and gone another three weeks. He has told his friends we may,or are, getting a divorce. I found out he lied to me again about something stupid and became furious. I lost my mind for a minute and emailed is dad and grandmother (who may as well be my own) telling them about his lies and hidden debt saying I could not deal with it any longer. Wrong move, I know but at the time I was so distraught I had no idea what to do. I have told my friends and family that is what he wants but as of now am not listening to friends. I have found they are going to be team wife or team husband depending on whose friend they were to begin with. We have split up accounts and such as of now. He has seen a lawyer. I have spoken to one. Yesterday I spoke with him and told him I could not deal with this while I was gone and didn't know if I would have the strength to file when i returned. I didn't beg or plead. We tried counseling once and he hated the counselor. We never went back. Yesterday, I suggested a one month session of counseling once per week when i returned. At this he became enraged. He asked why i woud want to be out through more misery, we gave it a **** it didnt work. I said i do not feel as though we tried everything, we are rock bottom now so what would it hurt? He said hell no, twice a week for two weeks if anything - We will not drag this out if it's not working. I said I was sorry for upsetting him and asked him what he wanted. He told me to 'end this and move on.' I told him he needed to do what he wanted and at that point his reply was 'what I want is not always what is best.' he said he needed time to consider my compromise and I told him I wouldn't contact him unless necessary so he could think about things. So to say I am confused and lost is an understatement from what he told me. I started a 180 yesterday for my own sanity. Today the dog was supposed to go to the vet, I paid for the cable bill and told him I'd cover all of that since the dog was going to the vet (both about $100 charges.) no reply but I was not expecting one. Will update as I go through all of this. I don't actually expect to talk with him until I am back but who knows. I don't believe in divorce over things that seem so stupid now, but I also believe we all need to be happy. I guess only time will tell what we will do. I do know if he refuses to see a marriage counselor it is over for us, and I am preparing myself for that possibility. The one thing I have going against me is that he puts a lot of stock in to what his friends think, and they tell him to split. Feel free to throw in comments as you see fit. I don't really have much else. After typing that all out, it seems so trivial now. That said hindsight is 20/20.
Gaprofitt Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Sunday August 19... Husband tells me for what he says is the last time we are not compatible, bring out the worst and just can't get along. Two weeks prior I said the same thing. We have used divorce as a way to manipulate each other. We have ZERO idea how to communicate with each other. It is like we speak two different languages. Background: married one year. He is in his mid 30's I am late 20's. When we do get along it is great. Now it seems we no longer know how. There is a huge distrust factor stemming from him hiding debt and lying to me about spending money. I am having a hard time getti over it and trusting him gsin. He keeps not telling me things so i wnt nag about them. That is fine but when i find out it makes things worse. I took over finances and we are now financially secure (more than ok to pay off debt) but I nag him constantly about spending money because the debt isn't gone. He resents me for it. I am also a pessimist by nature. I have never had to tone it down. He is a sensitive happy go lucky person. He can not stand that I look for the worst possible outcome and plan for it. I feel he needs to learn more responsibility and tone down the happy go lucky. We have both said some pretty nasty things to each other. He claims to not want to be miserable the rest of his life. I don't believe in divorce even though I did use it against him. I am in the military and gone another three weeks. He has told his friends we may,or are, getting a divorce. I found out he lied to me again about something stupid and became furious. I lost my mind for a minute and emailed is dad and grandmother (who may as well be my own) telling them about his lies and hidden debt saying I could not deal with it any longer. Wrong move, I know but at the time I was so distraught I had no idea what to do. I have told my friends and family that is what he wants but as of now am not listening to friends. I have found they are going to be team wife or team husband depending on whose friend they were to begin with. We have split up accounts and such as of now. He has seen a lawyer. I have spoken to one. Yesterday I spoke with him and told him I could not deal with this while I was gone and didn't know if I would have the strength to file when i returned. I didn't beg or plead. We tried counseling once and he hated the counselor. We never went back. Yesterday, I suggested a one month session of counseling once per week when i returned. At this he became enraged. He asked why i woud want to be out through more misery, we gave it a **** it didnt work. I said i do not feel as though we tried everything, we are rock bottom now so what would it hurt? He said hell no, twice a week for two weeks if anything - We will not drag this out if it's not working. I said I was sorry for upsetting him and asked him what he wanted. He told me to 'end this and move on.' I told him he needed to do what he wanted and at that point his reply was 'what I want is not always what is best.' he said he needed time to consider my compromise and I told him I wouldn't contact him unless necessary so he could think about things. So to say I am confused and lost is an understatement from what he told me. I started a 180 yesterday for my own sanity. Today the dog was supposed to go to the vet, I paid for the cable bill and told him I'd cover all of that since the dog was going to the vet (both about $100 charges.) no reply but I was not expecting one. Will update as I go through all of this. I don't actually expect to talk with him until I am back but who knows. I don't believe in divorce over things that seem so stupid now, but I also believe we all need to be happy. I guess only time will tell what we will do. I do know if he refuses to see a marriage counselor it is over for us, and I am preparing myself for that possibility. The one thing I have going against me is that he puts a lot of stock in to what his friends think, and they tell him to split. Feel free to throw in comments as you see fit. I don't really have much else. After typing that all out, it seems so trivial now. That said hindsight is 20/20. It for sure sounds like you both are not on the same page. Heck in my relationship we had talked about marriage counseling but she was already planning to divorce me and she was pretending things were fine. Crazy and very hurtful. I think you need to be honest with yourself as all these things are seriously impacting your marriage. Unless you both look in the mirror and admit the issues and work on them it's only going to continue to build and grow to where you both resent each other. This happened in my marriage and we waited to late to get help. Without professional help and you both being honest with each other it sounds like you are headed fro divorce. Greg
shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 LongRoad06: Scroll down to my "Long and winding road" post and see if the dishonesty and financial components of that post sound familiar to you. If they do, don't make the same mistake that I made by continuing to battle those negative character traits year after year. You will lose.
the ill-made knight Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Honestly, you say it seems so trivial, but from an outsider's perspective these seem like pretty huge incompatibilities/problems. The two of you are obviously not in agreement about finances or how to manage them, you admit the two of you have been nasty to each other in the past, and you have opposite personalities with him being optimistic and you being pessimistic. The two of you haven't been married long and it's obvious you love him so I hope you can work things out, but he might just be finished. Things between you two sound as if they have been rather toxic and I could understand your husband's desire to leave. MC would be the only option here, but the damage might have already been done and the issues especially with your differing personalities might be too huge to overcome.
Author LongRoad06 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 We have had bad fights, yes. Said a ton of things that we may or may not have meant. I can't tell him how I feel without hurting his feelings and vice versa. We take everything each other says personally for some reason. Maybe that is because it is the first serious relationship ever for the both of us? I didn't date much (he was my third boyfriend) and he was a serial short term dater? There is a major disconnect in the way we think things should go. Maybe that is a fatal fault. That remains to be seen. My military friends tell me that since this is the first time we have really been apart, it's normal. I hesitate to believe them. That said, they have been on multiple deployments, training exercises etc and say they go through/have been through the same things with their spouses. Whether or not that is true remains to be seen. I do not know as this is the first time I have been gone more than a few days (4.5 months.) I expect nothing to be honest. Texted him to tell him I paid the cable, and would pay for the dog to head to the vet if it was more than the cable. He said no need, and that the pup has a vet appt tomorrow. Just business. I didnt reply to his text. I may tomorrow asking him to let me know what was wrong with my pup. Pressuring him has always led to more arguing, so I have learned to back off at times. This is one of those times. Nothing else to report.
Author LongRoad06 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 He took dog to get today. He also picked up a gift I bought him a while back after feeling bad I told him he didn't need it. He sent me a message saying it was the absolute best gift ever. I said he was welcome and left it at that. His grandmother and I spoke today. She said he will come around, he is stubborn hard headed etc and is just like his mother. I asked her if she ever told him that and she said yes where upon he became really mad. I told him the same thing a long time ago with the same effect. I am glad I am not wrong in my assessment of some of his behavior (he doesn't like his mother and one of the things he gets on me about is how I remind him of her.) He hasn't said any thing else about counseling, but I have not pressed either. I was not expecting the text about the gift, I just figured it would go by the wayside. I am trying hard to be positive, but have a guarded view of the situation too in order to keep myself from being hurt any more. I am in a really good mood today, and I am trying to come to grips with the fact this may be the end if 'us.' spoke with an old co worker who went through a divorce, and after hearing how well she is doing, I am no longer afraid. I want this to work, but being afraid of what happens next is not a concern of mine after that chat. I am at a good friends house for the weekend in the area I am in for training, so that is going to take my mind off things for the weekend at least. Have a great night every one!
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