pandagirl Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 My boyfriend brought up moving in together a little bit ago. While I am not entirely opposed to the idea, I told him I thought it was too soon, but that in another year, I would be ready. I still feel that it was too soon to live together after dating a year (I don't see the rush of domesticating), but I'm 34 and, while I don't need a marriage proposal, I do want to make clear to him that I'm not into "playing house." I know he feels relatively serious about me, as we have discussed our respective stances on having children and marriage. However, if we do move in together, I would want at least some strong indication that a "future" is what we were heading towards together. Am I being unreasonable in wanting this, or am I placing too much emphasis on me needing to feel secure in this relationship? I'm just throwing this out there to get others experiences and opinions on cohabitation at a more "mature" age.
Pyro Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 The fact that he brought up the idea of moving in together shows that he is serious about you two and he obviously sees a future with you. If you aren't ready then don't agree to it. Don't do it until you are ready. 1
weallfalldown Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 a year isn't that bad...... your both on diff levels obviously........oh dear.
Art_Critic Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 It's up to the individual but a year is plenty of time to take it to the next level 1
Imajerk17 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I'm a guy and I would not want to live with a girl unless we were at least engaged.
Silly_Girl Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 How long have you been dating? Thanks, I thought I must be staring right at the timescale and not seeing it... Man-looking I'm interested in this, I'm looking to live with my boyfriend after what will have been 9 months, which I'm fine with but is pretty fast.
Pyro Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I'm a guy and I would not want to live with a girl unless we were at least engaged. Thanks, I thought I must be staring right at the timescale and not seeing it... Man-looking I'm interested in this, I'm looking to live with my boyfriend after what will have been 9 months, which I'm fine with but is pretty fast. read the OP again. Just before the parenthesis it says one year.
wow04 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I think 1 year is enough time, but it seems as though you aren't ready. You need to figure out why you aren't ready. He seems to be on a different level than you are.
thatone Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 My boyfriend brought up moving in together a little bit ago. While I am not entirely opposed to the idea, I told him I thought it was too soon, but that in another year, I would be ready. I still feel that it was too soon to live together after dating a year (I don't see the rush of domesticating), but I'm 34 and, while I don't need a marriage proposal, I do want to make clear to him that I'm not into "playing house." I know he feels relatively serious about me, as we have discussed our respective stances on having children and marriage. However, if we do move in together, I would want at least some strong indication that a "future" is what we were heading towards together. Am I being unreasonable in wanting this, or am I placing too much emphasis on me needing to feel secure in this relationship? I'm just throwing this out there to get others experiences and opinions on cohabitation at a more "mature" age. you don't see the rush...but you want to push (rush) him to marry. you say you don't need a marriage proposal and then offhandedly insult the idea of living together while not married by calling it 'playing house'. which is it? you're sending mixed signals. him offering to move in with you is a strong indication, imo, and very possibly a test to see what you would say/think about it. sounds like your insecurity talking to me.
weallfalldown Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 how the **** can you get married before living together?....that's insane You have to live together before you think about marriage... What if you get married then realise you just don't get on? crazy 1
Silly_Girl Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 read the OP again. Just before the parenthesis it says one year. I AM blind. Thank you. OP, 1 year is not a bad timescale, IF it's what you want to do.
veggirl Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I wouldn't move in with my BF unless we were engaged. I know you said that is not an issue for you. A year isn't too soon if you aren't worried about him proposing first, but if you have any reservations, I don't think you should do it. I do agree with Pierre that it is a testing situation and I don't like that. If he isn't solidly discussing a future with you, then definitely don't do it, it will be "playing house" as you said.
carhill Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 OP, congrats on your relationship. I wondered what had happened to you. Topically, perhaps you should clarify to him the dynamic of what 'playing house' means to you and its synergy with regards to a legal and official partnership like marriage. Set out your boundaries regarding such a progression with an explanation of the 'why' behind them. I think, with transparent and sincere communication, you and he can find common ground to move forward in a way which satisfies both of you. It's too soon to move in together if one of the parties feels it is. Is that feeling cast in stone? No. Accept it in the now and see how things go. Good luck. 1
Author pandagirl Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 My hesitation to move in with him isn't about playing games or anything. Where I live, we'd have to live in pretty close quarters, as rents are extremely high, and I don't think that'd be ideal for our relationship. Plus, I feel living apart from each other makes the relationship more fun, as in, we look forward to spending time together, instead of just us *being there* all the time. I think what it comes down to, is I want to feel a little more secure about the seriousness of our relationship before we move in together. If that makes sense. 2
pink_sugar Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 My boyfriend brought up moving in together a little bit ago. While I am not entirely opposed to the idea, I told him I thought it was too soon, but that in another year, I would be ready. I still feel that it was too soon to live together after dating a year (I don't see the rush of domesticating), but I'm 34 and, while I don't need a marriage proposal, I do want to make clear to him that I'm not into "playing house." I know he feels relatively serious about me, as we have discussed our respective stances on having children and marriage. However, if we do move in together, I would want at least some strong indication that a "future" is what we were heading towards together. Am I being unreasonable in wanting this, or am I placing too much emphasis on me needing to feel secure in this relationship? I'm just throwing this out there to get others experiences and opinions on cohabitation at a more "mature" age. My husband and I moved in together after a year, married after two. I am assuming you're the type who would want to marry in a reasonable amount of time after living together, rather than living together indefinitely. Are you saying you'd do it if he would marry you in a reasonable amount of time? Well, maybe try and discuss it some more, talk about each of your ideals and where you'd see yourselves after a few years of living together. I also agree, I'm not into the living together indefinitely. Living together is basically like being married without the legality and benefits.
kaylan Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 1 year is way too soon imo. My dating time requirements go like this; Two years of dating at least before moving in together. 1 year living together before marriage. 3 years will have accrued by the time marriage is appropriate. However, for me, ideally Id like to live together a year before any proposals. Thus making it 4 years together by the time we tie the know Then Id say a year of marriage (test drive) and enjoying that before having kids. Because even though youve dated someone for a while before marriage, its a whole different ball game once you state your vows. So I personally think people need to be together for 4 to 5 years before they have a real family. By this time you should have a firm grip on what you both want and on if you are right for each other at the present time.
Author pandagirl Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 OP, congrats on your relationship. I wondered what had happened to you. Topically, perhaps you should clarify to him the dynamic of what 'playing house' means to you and its synergy with regards to a legal and official partnership like marriage. Set out your boundaries regarding such a progression with an explanation of the 'why' behind them. I think, with transparent and sincere communication, you and he can find common ground to move forward in a way which satisfies both of you. It's too soon to move in together if one of the parties feels it is. Is that feeling cast in stone? No. Accept it in the now and see how things go. Good luck. Hi Carhill! I'm around. I still lurk around and read sometimes. Our communication is rather good, so I wouldn't have any problems discussing this with him. He is pretty great. I guess I am just cautious in general, so I'd rather veer on the side of not "rushing" into things and giving it a good think before making a decision. I've also learned from my girlfriends who moved in with their boyfriend, broken up, and they've all lamented, "I'm never living with another boyfriend unless we are engaged." So I figure there is some wisdom in their words.
KatZee Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 The fact that he brought up the idea of moving in together shows that he is serious about you two and he obviously sees a future with you. If you aren't ready then don't agree to it. Don't do it until you are ready. Not necessarily at all. Loads of guys try to get away with playing house without a formal commitment. OP... if you want that commitment agree to living together under certain stipulations... that you want some sort of timeline to engagement. This is kind of sticking out to me: "I know he feels relatively serious about me" I would curb the living together until you feel he IS fully serious about you.
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