exbf is on dating site!

[youngnlove89]

and I really wanted to send him this:

 

Hey friend!

 

So, I was really kind of upset at first (boo-hoo me, right) to find out you were on POF again after lying to me about saying you would never be on there again (congratulations if your intentions were to piss me off) Albeit, in a way, it was the icing on the cake to realize I deserve better!

 

Let me give you some advice for your future relationships, as it will come in handy to have a relationship that you “are actively looking for.”

 

1. Don’t go on trips with a group of couples and not have the decency to ask your girlfriend. It’ll hurt her feelings. I mean, that’s a pretty ****ty feeling and I’m speaking from experience, take it from me.

 

2. When holidays come around buy her a little something to show her that you care for her. For ****s sakes, a card will suffice. But hey, I’m low-maintence, so I can’t tell you what your future girlfriend will prefer, but I’d start saving your extra dimes.

 

3. On her birthday, don’t lie to her and make up plans saying you’re going to do this or that, if you aren’t going to do anything, I’d get on your knees and pray that she is someone who won’t give a ****. But at least go to the dollar store, find 4 quarters in the crevices of your truck and buy her a damn card.

 

4. Please be wary of who you text or send pictures too, she might look at your phone like I did, so be cautious to delete any evidence that you’re fooling around giving the attention to some other girl rather than the girl that gives you all the attention! She might not be like me who puts up with it and believes your fallacies. But hey, you are pretty charming so this one you might get away with.

 

5. Please, please don’t tell her she is 95% the one when you know she isn’t. False hope. It’s an evil thing!

 

6. Please don’t tell her you love her when having sex if you don’t mean it either, she might do something crazy like believe it!

 

There, I could say more, but I think I’ve made my point. I hope you can take this and apply it to your next relationship so that it has the chance of lasting longer than sex did and you can find someone who you actually give a **** about. Just don’t screw it up.

 

Love, Heather

 

By the way: I like your main picture on here, how cute of you. I’m a good photographer, although the lighting doesn’t do your baldness any justice.

 

 

But I DIDN'T send it! Just needed to vent...

[Tree_Salmon]

Let me guess, you internet date.

 

How's it working out for you?

 

There has been MASSIVE amounts of research done on the types of people and how healthy (or unhealthy is is more like it), what type of relationships they have, how it's not normal / healthy / forced, how it creates an bad environment and attracts mostly unhealthy people.

 

On paper and it's intended purpose sounds GREAT. Reality, is something altogether different.

 

Like with everything else in life (Facebook is another example), it sinks to the lowest common denominator. In this case, scammers, fakers, flakers, attention whores, married men/women, players, cheaters, rebounders, wackos, unhealthy, needy, desperate, people who use online dating as a WEAPON not a tool.

 

 

 

You are joking right?

 

1. It has not been around very long to say that.

 

2. The divorce rate on people who married via online dating is a lot worse than doing it the "right" way. Go look it up!

 

 

 

To each their own....

 

All I know is what all my friends told me and all their friends told them. Which is, it is HORRIBLE and a MISERABLE experience. Their experience, almost all of the people are rebounders, losers, liars, cheaters, guys looking for sex, women wanting attention, people who are looking to jump from one relationship to another, etc.

 

 

 

Problem is, you don't for sure if you are getting all excited and spending hours talking / emailing a 45 year old bald fat guy who is married with 3 kids or not.

 

Sadly this is all true. It took me 2 weeks a very long time ago to see this.

 

I met about 7 chicks who all had some massive baggage. All of which are mentioned in the quote.

 

Real relationships are made outside, with real people, at real places, through real connections.

[escafeld]

Well that's the risk you take when you put yourself out there in a public way. Did you know you can actually save members' photos from match onto your desktop?

 

Really all bets are off when you present yourself in a public forum such as a free online dating site.

 

It's just the way it is nowadays. Post at your own risk. Might have been a bit tasteless of the OP, but she hasn't done anything wrong.

 

I hear what you say but I think you're missing my point Drseussgirl, the OP's partner is on a dating website, no problem, we've all been there. The OP posts his POV profile on a relationship website with less than flattering information about him-there's a high probability the OP will discover this because the people who post here may well be users of dating websites as well and tell him about it.

 

The main focus of my comments concerned the fact he might then seek retribution of his own-hence my playful comment about him posting pictures of her on a porn site. She may not have done anything 'wrong' but she's potentially opened a whole can of worms which she can't control.

[escafeld]

I'm not saying you are wrong, by any means. I acted on a whim is all. I didn't think about it. Sorry.

 

There's no need to apologise to me youngnlove, I'm more concerned by what your ex's reaction might be if he discovers this thread.

 

Everyone's capable of acting impulsively, but it's worth remembering that words on the internet never die, unless you have a friendly moderator to help you!

[escafeld]

I personally wouldn't have liked to see any profile of mine on a site.

But it is what it is and it can't be helped. She acted on a very emotional whim.

 

Instead of making her feel guilty about it we can gloss over this post and let it disappear to the bottom of the heap.

 

Agreed?

 

..I'll agree with your sage advice and have nothing more to say on the matter

[Pompom]

Sounds to me like he only expressed disinterest in relationships in order to be gentle about letting YOU go, but that doesn't mean he's not interested in having a relationship with someone else. Or he may just have changed his mind about relationships and wants one now, but not with you. This is natural, and his right.

Since you are no longer together, he owes you no explanation or justification, and while you may have taken a picture of him, as long as it depicts him, he's allowed to use it.

 

He did this last time we broke up, got on a dating site and then starting missing me. and I took him back because I was weak. I don't want that to happen again. As much as I think I love him, I know I need to move on. I'm just trying to figure out how to avoid all these bumps in the road that he is planting there!

He's probably not planting anything and simply assumes that with or without your membership there, he has the same rights to use that site you do. After all, YOU are using that site, too, probably for the same reasons he does, so why would you get to look for a new relationship, but not him? Did he sell his soul to you?

 

Yea, but I had nothin on my profile, not even pictures. I just happened to go on there today for some reason and BAM there he is.

So? Membership is membership and on dating sites, everyone has roughly the same objective.

 

Anyways, I'm just mad he put a picutre of himself that I took of him.

Next time you take pictures of somenoe, have them sign a copyright agreement...

Seriously, that may be hurtful, but doesn't have to be personal; if someone were to take a good picture of me, I'd use it too, would be insane not to. And unless it's a pro photographer, I will not ask for permission; certainly not from someone who might publicly and dramatically disapprove of my using it on a dating site.

 

 

4. Please be wary of who you text or send pictures too, she might look at your phone like I did, so be cautious to delete any evidence that you’re fooling around giving the attention to some other girl rather than the girl that gives you all the attention! She might not be like me who puts up with it and believes your fallacies. But hey, you are pretty charming so this one you might get away with.

If I were him, I wouldn't just have dumped you but also gotten you for violating my privacy. You have NO business, NO right, to sniff around in his phone! At least tell me you didn't install a keylogger on his computer.

Everything you've revealed here about how you treat him, suggests you have no respect for his privacy or his need for "me-time". You seem like someone who wants a boyfriend's world to revolve around you and only you and that the guy needs to answer to you even after the breakup. Like so: Overly Attached Girlfriend - break up because shes smothering you wake up because shes

 

6. Please don’t tell her you love her when having sex if you don’t mean it either, she might do something crazy like believe it!

At least HE was being thoughtless only during the most brainless activity ever, sex. Newsflash: during sex, even a john will tell a prostitute that he loves her. He will also tell her he'll call police if she ever reminds him of that while entering his apartment through the window ever again. Things said during sex, can be safely assumed to be BS.

 

I'm not usually this harsh and I don't mean to offend you, but if I were this guy, and reading this, I would commend myself for having ended it.

[weallfalldown]

hey...i think you should swallow the bitterness pill and just get on with it now.....just like the rest of us...

[Tree_Salmon]

Sounds to me like he only expressed disinterest in relationships in order to be gentle about letting YOU go, but that doesn't mean he's not interested in having a relationship with someone else. Or he may just have changed his mind about relationships and wants one now, but not with you. This is natural, and his right.

Since you are no longer together, he owes you no explanation or justification, and while you may have taken a picture of him, as long as it depicts him, he's allowed to use it.

 

 

He's probably not planting anything and simply assumes that with or without your membership there, he has the same rights to use that site you do. After all, YOU are using that site, too, probably for the same reasons he does, so why would you get to look for a new relationship, but not him? Did he sell his soul to you?

 

 

So? Membership is membership and on dating sites, everyone has roughly the same objective.

 

 

Next time you take pictures of somenoe, have them sign a copyright agreement...

Seriously, that may be hurtful, but doesn't have to be personal; if someone were to take a good picture of me, I'd use it too, would be insane not to. And unless it's a pro photographer, I will not ask for permission; certainly not from someone who might publicly and dramatically disapprove of my using it on a dating site.

 

 

 

If I were him, I wouldn't just have dumped you but also gotten you for violating my privacy. You have NO business, NO right, to sniff around in his phone! At least tell me you didn't install a keylogger on his computer.

Everything you've revealed here about how you treat him, suggests you have no respect for his privacy or his need for "me-time". You seem like someone who wants a boyfriend's world to revolve around you and only you and that the guy needs to answer to you even after the breakup. Like so: Overly Attached Girlfriend - break up because shes smothering you wake up because shes

 

 

At least HE was being thoughtless only during the most brainless activity ever, sex. Newsflash: during sex, even a john will tell a prostitute that he loves her. He will also tell her he'll call police if she ever reminds him of that while entering his apartment through the window ever again. Things said during sex, can be safely assumed to be BS.

 

I'm not usually this harsh and I don't mean to offend you, but if I were this guy, and reading this, I would commend myself for having ended it.

 

You make some great points.

 

Don't forget that she's pissed and emotional. This logic really doesn't matter to her right now. She's lashing out.

 

Somehow, this thread survives again.

[youngnlove89]

Sounds to me like he only expressed disinterest in relationships in order to be gentle about letting YOU go, but that doesn't mean he's not interested in having a relationship with someone else. Or he may just have changed his mind about relationships and wants one now, but not with you. This is natural, and his right.

Since you are no longer together, he owes you no explanation or justification, and while you may have taken a picture of him, as long as it depicts him, he's allowed to use it.

 

 

He's probably not planting anything and simply assumes that with or without your membership there, he has the same rights to use that site you do. After all, YOU are using that site, too, probably for the same reasons he does, so why would you get to look for a new relationship, but not him? Did he sell his soul to you?

 

 

So? Membership is membership and on dating sites, everyone has roughly the same objective.

 

 

Next time you take pictures of somenoe, have them sign a copyright agreement...

Seriously, that may be hurtful, but doesn't have to be personal; if someone were to take a good picture of me, I'd use it too, would be insane not to. And unless it's a pro photographer, I will not ask for permission; certainly not from someone who might publicly and dramatically disapprove of my using it on a dating site.

 

 

 

If I were him, I wouldn't just have dumped you but also gotten you for violating my privacy. You have NO business, NO right, to sniff around in his phone! At least tell me you didn't install a keylogger on his computer.

Everything you've revealed here about how you treat him, suggests you have no respect for his privacy or his need for "me-time". You seem like someone who wants a boyfriend's world to revolve around you and only you and that the guy needs to answer to you even after the breakup. Like so: Overly Attached Girlfriend - break up because shes smothering you wake up because shes

 

 

At least HE was being thoughtless only during the most brainless activity ever, sex. Newsflash: during sex, even a john will tell a prostitute that he loves her. He will also tell her he'll call police if she ever reminds him of that while entering his apartment through the window ever again. Things said during sex, can be safely assumed to be BS.

 

I'm not usually this harsh and I don't mean to offend you, but if I were this guy, and reading this, I would commend myself for having ended it.

 

 

Okay first of all you don't know the backstory. He looked through everything of mine: my email, my phone, my facebook, EVEN my dating site. so that is why i looked through his because I figured he must've been hiding something.

 

I get it. He has every right to do what he wants. I'm done talking about this matter anyways. good for him, i hope he finds the relationship he is looking for. and this time i hope he treats her with respect.

 

I want to move on now and stop succumbing to a loser who used me for a year and a half!

 

i have a date tonight with a firefighter, who knows it could make matters worse or it could get me over this loser. i'm trying to move on and yea, maybe i just need "me" time right now, but what does it hurt going out with a good looking fireman and having an intellectual conversation with them. anything to get my mind off of HIM

[youngnlove89]

You make some great points.

 

Don't forget that she's pissed and emotional. This logic really doesn't matter to her right now. She's lashing out.

 

Somehow, this thread survives again.

 

 

I am very pissed and emotional. I'm mad that I was used. I'm mad that it was so easy for someone to lie to me and tell me they love me when they didn't. have you ever had someone tell you after they proclaimed they loved you that "they never will love you that way again"

 

IT HURTS. it burns, stings, my heart is ripped out. I'm mad. I'm scared. I'm scared of it happening again.

 

I just wanted a warning. A premonition, anything I could have done to avoid this situation. Now, here I am. Sick to my stomach knowing he is out looking for other girls who he will treat better than me. and I was so good to him.

 

my heart hurts is all.

[weallfalldown]

Ffs!................

[youngnlove89]

Ffs!................

 

what are you whining about now? *stomps feet and crosses arms*

[Drseussgrrl]

Youngnlove,

 

I know this was a hard lesson for you and yeah it sucks ass.

 

But you have GOT to take some personal responsibility here. Men don't use women unless we LET them. You ignored all the warning signs early on and forged ahead with this asshat anyway.

 

I really don't think you should be dating right now. You're using this "fireman" as a distraction, an ego boost, and that's it. This is exactly what Gibson was saying the folks who do online dating are all about Not really fair to him, is it? Don't go about doing what you are blasting your ex here for doing.

[youngnlove89]

Youngnlove,

 

I know this was a hard lesson for you and yeah it sucks ass.

 

But you have GOT to take some personal responsibility here. Men don't use women unless we LET them. You ignored all the warning signs early on and forged ahead with this asshat anyway.

 

I really don't think you should be dating right now. You're using this "fireman" as a distraction, an ego boost, and that's it. This is exactly what Gibson was saying the folks who do online dating are all about Not really fair to him, is it? Don't go about doing what you are blasting your ex here for doing.

 

 

I think that is why I'm angry: I let him use me. I knew the signs, the alarm was loud and clear. But I ignored it because love got in the way. I have no reason to be mad at him. He was honest the whole time.

 

I was honest with the fireman, I told him I just got out of a relationship so not looking for anything serious and not looking for sex. He knows and is okay with it. I really just want a friend.

[Drseussgrrl]

Did you meet him online?

 

I think you need to surround yourself with girlfriends. You know that you can't ever REALLY just be friends with a man you don't know at all.

 

Sorry but I think you're lying to yourself and the new dude is, too. Of course he's going to want sex. You're young and cute, and well, he's a MAN.

[youngnlove89]

Did you meet him online?

 

I think you need to surround yourself with girlfriends. You know that you can't ever REALLY just be friends with a man you don't know at all.

 

Sorry but I think you're lying to yourself and the new dude is, too. Of course he's going to want sex. You're young and cute, and well, he's a MAN.

 

I did meet him online.

 

I don't have any friends here really. I moved to the city to be closer to my boyfriend (my ex). So all my friends are back home.

 

Yea, perhaps so. But I don't want sex, and I'm not giving it to him. WAY TOO SOON

[Drseussgrrl]

The way you meet friends is signing off the dating site, putting down your laptop and going out and getting a LIFE. There are so many meet up groups, book clubs, cooking classes, the gym, you name it - all avenues to meet people you would have something in common with. I noticed you have a dog. I do too! Taking her to the dog park is always eventful and I'm ALWAYS meeting other fun dog lovers.

 

I fear you will continue on this path of needing "friendship" or "validation" from men that will propel this cycle of neediness and low self worth. Honey, these men aren't going to define you or make you feel valued, or better about yourself. They aren't going to make good "friends". It all comes from deep down inside of YOU.

 

I really, really hope you get the concept of this soon.

[youngnlove89]

The way you meet friends is signing off the dating site, putting down your laptop and going out and getting a LIFE. There are so many meet up groups, book clubs, cooking classes, the gym, you name it - all avenues to meet people you would have something in common with. I noticed you have a dog. I do too! Taking her to the dog park is always eventful and I'm ALWAYS meeting other fun dog lovers.

 

I fear you will continue on this path of needing "friendship" or "validation" from men that will propel this cycle of neediness and low self worth. Honey, these men aren't going to define you or make you feel valued, or better about yourself. They aren't going to make good "friends". It all comes from deep down inside of YOU.

 

I really, really hope you get the concept of this soon.

 

Me too. My dog is back home also, along with my friends. I miss her!

 

But anyways, you are right. Should I cancel this date then? I'm going back home this weekend to visit my mom, my dog, and friends. I think that is the better choice.

 

It's just so hard to let go. It's the only option I have, but I can't let go. For some odd reason. Why? He treated me so bad! What makes me want him? Infatuation? I think I liked him for his body, for sex. Because other than that, i was uhappy with him. Sure, he made me laugh here and there, but he didn't show he cared at all. He never did anything special and this is the THIRD time he broke up with me.

[KatZee]

The way you meet friends is signing off the dating site, putting down your laptop and going out and getting a LIFE. There are so many meet up groups, book clubs, cooking classes, the gym, you name it - all avenues to meet people you would have something in common with. I noticed you have a dog. I do too! Taking her to the dog park is always eventful and I'm ALWAYS meeting other fun dog lovers.

 

I fear you will continue on this path of needing "friendship" or "validation" from men that will propel this cycle of neediness and low self worth. Honey, these men aren't going to define you or make you feel valued, or better about yourself. They aren't going to make good "friends". It all comes from deep down inside of YOU.

 

I really, really hope you get the concept of this soon.

 

Agreed. Go sit in a bar and chat up some randoms. It takes some balls to sit there alone, but it's better than sitting in your house behind a computer screen meeting dudes. Trust me, this guy is NOT trying to be your "friend" despite him being "OK" with you "just needing a friend." He's not meeting up with you to hear all your personal baggage. Trust.

 

You need girlfriends for this. Check out Girlfriend Social - Where Women Make Friends

 

It's kind of like online dating but for girlfriends. You absolutely don't need to be dating at all right now. You're still pissed and in the jaded, angry, stage. That is absolutely going to come through with anyone you try to have a "friendship" with and this guy is absolutely going to see right through you.

 

Go volunteer at an animal shelter. Look into moving back home. Visit a book store, take up a cooking class... SOMETHING. You need to get out and get a life, like she said. Lives aren't found inside on the couch.

 

Despite the saying of, "The best way to get over a guy is to get under another" is not really helpful. You can't use this guy to get your mind off the old. You got to face the emotions and the feelings, or else you're going to mask it and bury it and it'll come back and blow up in your face.

[youngnlove89]

Agreed. Go sit in a bar and chat up some randoms. It takes some balls to sit there alone, but it's better than sitting in your house behind a computer screen meeting dudes. Trust me, this guy is NOT trying to be your "friend" despite him being "OK" with you "just needing a friend." He's not meeting up with you to hear all your personal baggage. Trust.

 

You need girlfriends for this. Check out Girlfriend Social - Where Women Make Friends

 

It's kind of like online dating but for girlfriends. You absolutely don't need to be dating at all right now. You're still pissed and in the jaded, angry, stage. That is absolutely going to come through with anyone you try to have a "friendship" with and this guy is absolutely going to see right through you.

 

Go volunteer at an animal shelter. Look into moving back home. Visit a book store, take up a cooking class... SOMETHING. You need to get out and get a life, like she said. Lives aren't found inside on the couch.

 

Despite the saying of, "The best way to get over a guy is to get under another" is not really helpful. You can't use this guy to get your mind off the old. You got to face the emotions and the feelings, or else you're going to mask it and bury it and it'll come back and blow up in your face.

 

 

thank you, Drsuessgrrl and KatZee, you two are very helpful.

 

i'll check out that site. never heard of such a thing! crazy, there is so much on the internet these days!

 

what is after the angry stage? haha when do i get over this. i feel like at this point, I wouldn't take him back. I don't like him, I'm just mad at him. and myself.

[Floored]

Me too. My dog is back home also, along with my friends. I miss her!

 

But anyways, you are right. Should I cancel this date then? I'm going back home this weekend to visit my mom, my dog, and friends. I think that is the better choice.

 

It's just so hard to let go. It's the only option I have, but I can't let go. For some odd reason. Why? He treated me so bad! What makes me want him? Infatuation? I think I liked him for his body, for sex. Because other than that, i was uhappy with him. Sure, he made me laugh here and there, but he didn't show he cared at all. He never did anything special and this is the THIRD time he broke up with me.

 

Yes, cancel the date. Tell him that you are moving too fast for yourself to truly enjoy his company. If he's a decent guy, he'll understand. If he was just looking for sex, he'll still understand (won't want to waste his time). If he flips out about it, then you found out right away that he's not the type you want. It's a win-win-win. It's not like you're canceling him out forever, you just need some alone time.

 

You know the tough part of moving on and letting go is? Facing a separate reality alone while you're heart is still on track for that false future; the person you leaned on during troubling times is the one producing them. That's what was hard for me at least, actually wrapping my head around the devastating thought of 'I don't get to marry her' while also facing it alone.

 

Your ex had no future intentions with you; he's nearing 30, he had a hot, young woman at his beck and call, a woman who had a sense of bearing, and he still wouldn't commit. He wasn't going to, you were always just going to be a flavor of the year for him, that's why he still treated that way the last weekend you saw him.

 

You hopefully have that spark now to know you deserve better, and you won't find that if you just throw yourself from one guy to the next. Take some time to take a breath, focus on what you like and what makes you happy. As Drseussgrrl said, get some estrogen time in, recharge.

 

Oh, and while it may not have been in best sense to post his profile, it's not like his facebook or dong pictures were leaked. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned; he's almost 30, if he doesn't know this firsthand yet, you are absolutely doing him a favor by sprinkling a little she-hate on him. I know I was amused at the whole chaos of this thread.

[KatZee]

thank you, Drsuessgrrl and KatZee, you two are very helpful.

 

i'll check out that site. never heard of such a thing! crazy, there is so much on the internet these days!

 

what is after the angry stage? haha when do i get over this. i feel like at this point, I wouldn't take him back. I don't like him, I'm just mad at him. and myself.

 

For ME personally, after anger, there is nothing. I passed the anger stage over a month ago, I've been dating like a fiend, not comparing new guys to my ex at all, and actually had a REAL good time last night... if anyone wants to give me some freaking insight because no one in the dating section is being helpful at all!!!!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/342715-how-should-i-proceed

 

I feel like I'm in junior high school all over again with butterflies. I've been dancing in my office chair all day long.

 

You need to forgive yourself first and foremost. Once you do that, the anger towards him will evaporate. If you actually think about it, you're probably most angry with yourself. Not him. Work with that.

 

And read my thread.

 

Thanks! :laugh::laugh:

[Tree_Salmon]

I think that is why I'm angry: I let him use me. I knew the signs, the alarm was loud and clear. But I ignored it because love got in the way. I have no reason to be mad at him. He was honest the whole time.

 

I was honest with the fireman, I told him I just got out of a relationship so not looking for anything serious and not looking for sex. He knows and is okay with it. I really just want a friend.

 

We've all been angry for the same reason. I've been through the same thing so you're not the only one. But if you think f**king some firefighter is going to help then you are dead wrong.

 

It will make you feel worse.

[Tree_Salmon]

For ME personally, after anger, there is nothing. I passed the anger stage over a month ago, I've been dating like a fiend, not comparing new guys to my ex at all, and actually had a REAL good time last night... if anyone wants to give me some freaking insight because no one in the dating section is being helpful at all!!!!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/342715-how-should-i-proceed

 

I feel like I'm in junior high school all over again with butterflies. I've been dancing in my office chair all day long.

 

You need to forgive yourself first and foremost. Once you do that, the anger towards him will evaporate. If you actually think about it, you're probably most angry with yourself. Not him. Work with that.

 

And read my thread.

 

Thanks! :laugh::laugh:

 

Way too early to be dating.

 

Most of you go from super emotions to a new man. This isn't going to help you. This will only be another failed relationship a year from now.

 

Spend time alone. For a year or more.

[youngnlove89]

We've all been angry for the same reason. I've been through the same thing so you're not the only one. But if you think f**king some firefighter is going to help then you are dead wrong.

 

It will make you feel worse.

 

I don't want to f**ck him! I just want to banter with a good looking guy. But I cancelled the date now. I know it's too soon. It might set me back and I know I'll compare him to my ex bf.