Husband meeting people(female) while Wife is overseas with kids

[SpringBreez]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm somewhat new here and I'd like to share my story hoping you guys would provide me some insights.

 

My husband and I have been married for 7 years with 2 children. One, 9-yr-old, is from my previous marriage and the other, 3-yr-old, is ours. We have just come out of the darkest times in our marriage. There is an infidelity involved on my husband side during the time. I confronted him about it and he confessed but no apologies followed. Given the situation (sexless for 2 years) and how badly we were treating each other, I understand how and why it happened (don’t get me wrong, I’m not justifying his action BUT I understand his reasons).

 

So we spent quite some time talking and searching for the direction that we were going to take (stay or separate). Although my husband was quite torn between the two, we have decided to give another shot. Of course, there have been ups and downs since then. There were some days I thought I should have left him. But things between us have been greatly improved and we both seem to be much happier being together. I think it’s because now we have a better sense of how to deal with each other.

 

Now I took a 3-wk-vacation overseas with both kids to visit my own family in Aug, 2012. During this time, I know for sure that my husband was out almost every night to a club, a bar or hanging out with his buddies. Last week I’ve come to find out that he had met this girl (11 years younger) at a club while he and his buddy were out one night. According to messages they’ve been exchanging DAILY, she knows that he has kids. But it doesn’t mean that he’d told her that he’s married and has a wife at home. Anyways, I also know that they have met more than several occasions just two of them… maybe just over a coffee…. Maybe intimate dates at a bar… I have no idea.

 

Here is my issue. If my husband is just innocently flirting with her with no intention of taking it any further AND being honest with me, I can deal with that. But the issue is it seems like every time he goes to meet up with her, he lies about it as if he has something to hide. If he tells me honestly, “I’ve met this girl one night when I went out with XYZ(his buddy). We’ve become very good friends and probably we’re gonna hang out this weekend”, then I can put my insecurity aside and let him go hang out with her. I wanna confront him about this but if I don’t do it in a right way, it can blow up on my face because he will find out that I was snooping around his phone.

 

Could you please provide me your insight/opinion? It would be greatly appreciated! Sorry for such a long OP......

[xxoo]

But the issue is it seems like every time he goes to meet up with her, he lies about it as if he has something to hide.

 

Probably because he does have something to hide

 

Lying is bad. Lying after infidelity will blow up a marriage. I'd recommend that you guys get some marriage counseling after you return, and have protected sex until you know for sure what he's been doing.

[TigerCub]

After he cheated on you he didn't even apologize.

Yet you're staying with him.

 

It seems to me that you have proof about this new girl.

He's going out with her and lying to you because he knows its wrong and he needs to hide it.

 

Maybe you need to get to the real reason of why you're not confronting him.

 

Is it because you're afraid its going to be more of the same - i.e. him admitting to the cheating and not caring how it hurts you.

or that he might just leave this time.

 

Be honest with yourself, be honest about if you want to stay with someone like him and be honest about what the BOTH of you can realistically achieve together.

 

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through.

[analystfromhell]

A year ago (almost exactly) the scenario you described played out only in this case my wife was the other woman you describe. Yes, they were "up to something", he of course dismissed the affair saying his wife met people all the time while she was overseas with the kids (seriously?). While we've been in therapy since there has been no description of her motivations, his motivations or where things are now. Of course all of this, including the duration of your vacation and two kids, etc is all a coincidence however... Since this episode the distrust has been steadily eating at me and thus at our relationship. It's not come to the point where I'm actively sabotaging things but I do suspect there are subconscious forces at work and that, given the slightest provocation, they'll raise their ugly head and act to destroy this relationship. Once the distrust has set in, unless the other person "comes clean" on their own accord, I'm not sure how those destructive forces can be put at bay. Please don't take responsiblility for his actions- as others will no doubt chime in, his actions are his own but is no reason- only excuses. The lack of confession and his recent actions are likely just going to continue to eat at you and while you may not act out on them consciously they'll be there, in the back of your mind, increasing your sense of irritation with yourself and your kids as well as him, they'll raise your stress level and decrease whatever sense of security you may have had. If it "blows up" as you suggest, yes things may blow up in your face, alternatively he may just become more careful and devious. I'd suggest it does need to be cleared up though as it will be very difficult for a healthy, trusting relationship to prevail in these circumstances. Your girls will pick up on this as well, they will.