Bellini Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Hi everyone! I would like you opinion, i fell like i need help, maybe from someone who has gone through the same thing? I live everyday with this fear of being cheated on, or lied to, or kept secrets from.. Been together with my boyfriend for 2 years and we moved in together since 2 months. He has never cheated on me or even gotten close to, he treats me well, and is very patient with me. However there have been times where he kept things from me, which he thought weren't necessary to share. He always says that he will make an effort, and its true, he is more open with with me now and discusses with me almost everrything. However yesterday, I dont know why I asked him if any of the girls flirt with him, or what type of text messages they send him. He said no , and all calls or txts are work related, however one of them likes to send xxxx at the end of the texts. I got very angry because i think its completely unprofessional and its making me doubt him what goes on at work. I find myself trusting him, then something like this happens and it feels like my whole world is shattered. although i cant control what other girls do around him, it was something i expected him to let me know about. Which to him wasn't so important. Am I overreacting? :confused: Please help.
Exit Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 It's hard to make a sure judgment just from a couple of paragraphs but I would say yes you are getting into the realm of overreacting and being too jealous and protective. You shouldn't have to ask him how he interacts with people at work, what type of texts he gets from other women, or anything like that. It's not your business. If you find these things really bothering you, it may be a sign that you have some trust issues or self esteem issues and maybe a relationship is not really the best thing for you right now. For some reason you do not have faith in your relationship, whether you have low self esteem and you can easily imagine that someone would cheat on you, or you have trust issues and you don't trust your boyfriend to stay loyal just because a woman might flirt with him a little bit. Struggling with jealousy in relationships can really turn ugly and start to eat you alive if you don't figure out how to stop it. Nobody wants to turn into that type of partner who asks the "who are you talking to, what did they say" type of questions all the time. I think you need to do some soul searching and find out why you feel so threatened that this relationship is going to end or someone is going to cheat on you.
leninjapirate Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 That fact that you only found out about this because you asked him directly and he straight-up told you about it shows that you have nothing to fear, it seems like he is one of the good ones, and major kudos to him for how he has treated you and everything that he has done for you over the years. He seems very, very committed to you. I also find it so inappropriate and hate it as much as you that some girls will send 'xxx' at the end of texts to EVERYONE, even if they're co-workers in a long-term relationship. He knows that it doesn't mean anything, but since it bothers you he could ask her to cut it out. I doubt that that would actually help you feel any better though. When you say that you "find [yourself] trusting him", I think that you aren't defining 'trust' correctly. You seem to mean 'trust' as, 'I believe that this person will never do anything that would hurt me, never allow anything to happen that would hurt me, and tell me everything about anything that possibly could hurt me'. REAL trust would be accepting that there's a possibility that girls ARE sending him 'xxx's, and trusting his judgement and his reactions to it. Believing that IF he thought there was anything worth telling you about, that he would tell you, and that if he's not telling you, it's because he believes that there's nothing for you to worry about, and if he believes that, then you should too. Grilling him with questions and then 'not trusting him anymore' when he answers honestly and completely and you dislike the full truth yet he hasn't done anything wrong, means that you haven't been trusting him at all. You've pointed at yourself that this insecurity is not based on his behaviour whatsoever. Maybe you are just a very insecure person in general because of low self-esteem, or maybe things have happened in your past that have lead you to develop serious trust issues in relationships. Whatever the underlying cause is, please ease up on this guy. Journal all your jealous thoughts or feelings, or write about them here where people can respond and help you see things rationally. If you can afford it, even for just a few sessions, you might really benefit from some therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) would be particularly good for this. If you can't afford it at all, then perhaps check out some self-help books, I remember a very similar situation being the first case study in 'The Tools'. Your boyfriend could help with this too. Next time you want to ask him a question about other girls, instead ask him why he chooses to be with you over all the other girls in the world. And just keep doing that until you believe that he'd never choose another girl when he has you. Best of luck to you hun! <3
Tyler. Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 You should trust this guy, he's clearly not cheating on you. I can say this because if he was, he wouldn't have told anything about that text and kept it quiet, but he clearly trusts you enough to tell you this and tries to be honest with you. He tells you the truth, trust him
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