schoolmate Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Hi I have read up a few posts on the forum and I am hoping to get some of you will have feedback/ experiences to share. We have been married for abt 13years - have 2 lovely kids and both my H and I want to believe that all's well with our M. Have to say there are good days and there are bad. As a woman I sure long for an emotional R with my H. Of late my H has only been interested in having sex and I have noticed that he is really nice to me and shows great concern around the days when he wants to have sex and once he gets it - he is back to being indifferent. We dont talk much and he doesnt seem very interested in what I am doing or what I might want to do. He loves watching TV so most of the non-kid time at home goes there. He does spend sometime with the kids but thats about it. I am really struggling to figure out whats going on - I do really want to have an emotional R and not end it at sex. I have tried telling him that I think we are drifting away emotionally and he either says that its not true or says that he is just too busy with work and so he obviously and that keeps him from paying more attention to what I might want. He expects me to spell out to him what I would like---and thats the other problem - there's nothing specific that I am looking for but really just want to feel wanted, valued and have some real R and not just sex. My H has a very high profile job which requires him to travel a lot. He likes to talk about his job but he doesnt seem to think very highly of what I do. I quit full time work to be able to take care of the kids and only freelance now. I am hoping this sounds familiar to at least some of you - it will be very helpful to have both men and women's perspective on this. Am I worrying about a problem that doesnt exist or is there a problem. *** lack of emotional connect with my H did lead me to start depending on an old school friend MM recently - I am trying to end it now based on advice I got on LS. I feel quite miserable right now!!! Thanks for listening!
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 *** lack of emotional connect with my H did lead me to start depending on an old school friend MM recently - I am trying to end it now based on advice I got on LS. I feel quite miserable right now!!! your entire post can be condensed down to just this. don't 'try' to end it - END it. Tell your H. your concerns and set up counselling for the both of you. If he refuses to go, do IC, but don't expect to salvage this R. on your own. consider separating, and telling your H. that unless this is addressed by BOTH of you, you can see an inevitable conclusion. Ask him to choose. And stop all 'connection' to this MM. Very, very foolish.
belkin2 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Sounds like perhaps your H connects to you through sex (as many men do), but doesn't understand your needs for connection. And if he does he may be uncomfortable with how to talk and act with you. Counseling can help, but only if he is willing to go and willing to take a look at himself and how his actions effect your happiness. Its not about blame, but if he loves you the hope is that through counseling he can realize some shortcomings and will take it upon himself to be a better H.
Author schoolmate Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Sounds like perhaps your H connects to you through sex (as many men do), but doesn't understand your needs for connection. And if he does he may be uncomfortable with how to talk and act with you. Counseling can help, but only if he is willing to go and willing to take a look at himself and how his actions effect your happiness. Its not about blame, but if he loves you the hope is that through counseling he can realize some shortcomings and will take it upon himself to be a better H. Again like I said, my husband wont go for counseling - as per him there really isnt a problem. My fear is that if I go for IC he might think I am trying to see a problem and if might further affect our relationship.
belkin2 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 There is a problem though. You are unhappy. You need to talk to him in a way that helps him see you are not happy.
Author schoolmate Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 How many men on this forum will agree to accepting that there is a problem in their M and opt for MC when they get all they need from the M. I know my H will only think I am overreacting because I am bored and have too much time to think about things esp now that I have quit my full time job. Is there any hope at all!
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Again like I said, my husband wont go for counseling - as per him there really isnt a problem. My fear is that if I go for IC he might think I am trying to see a problem and if might further affect our relationship. When was the last time you and your husband actually went out to dinner, a date night? Dropped the kids off at the grandparents for a sleepover or hired a baby sitter? It takes two to make a marriage work and lots of efforts to keep the flame alive. Tell him that you 'were this close' to having an affair with a MM. That ought to wake him up and make him realize that he needs to pay more attention to you, put more effort in. Though, with that said, it's not a justification or an excuse to find comfort in another man because your H isn't connecting with you on an intimate and emotional level. Tell the MM goodbye and do your absolute best to not contact him. He's a cancer to you and to your marriage.
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 How many men on this forum will agree to accepting that there is a problem in their M and opt for MC when they get all they need from the M. Plenty, I would think. Some people bury their heads in the sand, and pretend everything siscosy - but faced with the reality, many of those do say: "Ok, hang on... there's obviously something awry here - maybe they have something they need to deal with, and that means red flags...." I know my H will only think I am overreacting because I am bored and have too much time to think about things esp now that I have quit my full time job. well in that case, go to IC regardless of what he thinks. Let him think what he wants. you're not tied at the hip. You don't have to comply with his side of things if you don't want to... you are your own person....Go for your own benefit, to sort yourself out and gain a sense of direction... Is there any hope at all! Think a minute: Given this MM you are 'connecting with'..... Do you want there to be?
belkin2 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Plenty, I would think. Some people bury their heads in the sand, and pretend everything siscosy - but faced with the reality, many of those do say: "Ok, hang on... there's obviously something awry here - maybe they have something they need to deal with, and that means red flags...." well in that case, go to IC regardless of what he thinks. Let him think what he wants. you're not tied at the hip. You don't have to comply with his side of things if you don't want to... you are your own person....Go for your own benefit, to sort yourself out and gain a sense of direction... Think a minute: Given this MM you are 'connecting with'..... Do you want there to be? All perfectly said!
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