razz90 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 So I have a friend, we've known each other a year and are pretty close. We see each other regularly and have opened up on various personal issues to each other. He's a flirty guy and we have flirted occasionally over the past year, but more so (and more on my side) since he broke up with his girlfriend six months ago. The thing is, sometimes i would get irritated because he was just flirting for the attention - i.e he'd want me to say stuff like 'i want you' etc but wouldn't reciprocate and then act like he wasn't interested. I called him out on this, and he told me he liked the attention and he liked the 'chase' but when it got too far, he got cold feet and that's why he backed away. His dated his girlfriend from the ages of 17-21 (his age now) and has never been with another girl. I, on the other hand haven;t got a boyfriend and I'm open to FWB type situations.(NB neither of us want a relationship with anyone right now). This friend in question has admitted he'd like to have a FWB situation, but at the same time he's confused and doesn't know what he wants, and doesn't want to ruin our friendship. But the thing is, whenever we are alone there this is a lot of sexual tension and we talk about it, but he then acts cold like he wants nothing to do with me. Well yesterday, I invited him around to my house to hang out (as well as a mutual friend who couldn't make it). So of course on the sofa, there was this sexual tension. He was touching my leg and getting very close (at this point, I know not to come on to him, because i expect nothing, and will probably get shot down), and he was telling me about his dillema. How he doesn't know if he's still in love with his girlfriend (even though 5 days ago he said he wasnt), how he'd have a FWB r/s with her as he knows what she's like, how he's never been with another girl before, how he likes the attention girls give him, but doesn't want to reciprocate, and even at one point told me he didn't fancy me and only flirted me cuz i was 'there'. Anyway, this got me a bit annoyed, because it feels like he's playing me - acting like he wants to hook up and then backing away. Eventually at one point, he kissed me, not a proper one though, and was touching me. Then he stopped and said he felt bad. Later on he said he was going to leave, but didn't, and then grabbed me and kissed me again, and was feeling me up. Then he was like "I'm sorry, i don't know what i want", and soon after left. Anyway, this situation is confusing for me, and I don;t really know what to do. On the one hand he wants me, on the other he is confused and scared because he's not been with another girl. I don;t know whether to be angry at him for being selfish and 'wanting all the attention' but not reciprocating. Maybe I am selfish for flirting back. Any thoughts, on what I should do or how I should handle this situation?
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Had I been you, this is exactly what I would have done: Slapped him and asked him who the bloody hell he thought he was acting in that way? "You do not disrespect me by groping, feeling me up, kissing me obviously looking for a [metaphorical] way in to f.uc.k me but with your head so all over the place you expect me to get in there, sort it out for you - and lie back and offer my splayed legs for you at the same time?? Get the f.uc.koutta here!! get you head straight, but don't come round here, trying to mess with mine!" 1
Arabella Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 ^ What she said. This guy is treating you like crap and you're letting him! Ok, I get you don't want a relationship, but don't you want someone who respects you? Start by respecting yourself and put him in his place. -A
Author razz90 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Thank you both. I know deep down he is disrespecting me by acting like that, I guess I just needed someone to tell me. It's just that otherwise, he is a good friend and I know he really cares about me, so I guess I found easier to let his bull**** slide. To be honest, I've put up with a lot of his bull**** lately (eg drama in our group of friends), but I do have a pretty high BS tolerance. I think next time I see him, if he starts flirting I will tell him flat out to stop it and not talk to me like that until he sorts his head out/ if ever.. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 This is a very typical and easy situation to decipher, he's acting out in predictable behavior. First off, I don't subscribe to men just being friends, at most you can be an acquaintance...you're either priority, or a potential option. There is always something there with men, always expect some kind of tension, just because as a woman you ignore how a man feels or what he really thinks because he says he just wants to be friends...the reality is they'd sleep with you in a drop of a hat or want even more. This guy isn't your friend, never was, never will be...he's someone who's placed you into the option zone so that he could continue his current relationship without infringing on any boundaries. He's also developed a relationship with you of companionship and confiding, you serve a purpose for him and he has figured out how to serve a purpose for you as well. It's no surprise the heat has turned up since he got out of his last relationship, it's such an easy play to turn towards you...you're convenient, available and an easy transition into something romantically because of the "friendly" relationship you've developed which is really just a technicality because it's changing in a heartbeat. The sexual tension for him derives from his penis, not his emotions. You feel that emotional bond with him as a friend and possibly something more but he's thinking about vagina, but he knows like any other man knows that crossing that line completely changes the sitation...and now someone you used to be able to share and confide in is lost...basically you're not worth a relationship but you're not worth losing either for sex, because ultimately he's sees your value as this pseudo friend...it's a good cover to conceal intentions. The good news is he does care about you, but not to the degree that you think. He cares enough not to just lie and take the easy route and have sex with you and use you like he knows he wants to...so he does have a tiny pulse of a conscience. But don't believe for one second he doesn't know what he wants, that's the grey area he's trying to use to his advantage...he needs and excuse to sleep with you without making it look like he's sleeping with you when he's good and done with you. Then the relationship will change and you'll lose him as a friend as well. Hopefully you understand a bit more...I can't say how much he genuinely and sincerely cares about you, but ultimately this is going to lead to a sexual relationship which in the end he won't want to be with you...you have to ask yourself if that works for you because you will become emotionally attached, don't kid yourself. You need to come to terms if you cross that line that It's not going to develop to anything more and you're just happy with the moment...however don't expect him to be honest with you, read between the lines... he will lie to you plenty as to not hurt your feelings, trust nothing he says 100 percent.
Author razz90 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Ninjainpyjamas, I would agree with you on a lot of what you said. Perhaps I cared about him as a friend, more than he did of me (hence I was willing to put up with his behavior and just see it as a 'bad' side of him that i should accept, as no one is perfect). I still believe he has been a friend to some degree, because he genuinely likes my company, he is just messed up in the head right now, and also he tends to be a person who takes his negative personal life out on others. Perhaps I will become emotionally attached, but it's the negative sides about him which make me certain I will never want to be in a relationship with him, because I know what I want in a man and a relationship. He told me HE might fall for me. Basically that night he told me a lot of conflicting information Part of me wants to forget about all this, cuz i have my own awesome life to live, but part of me feels we need to talk and sort it out, but like you said he will lie. I've realized I don't want a FWB/sexual relationship with him because it's too complicated, and i can't deal with all his drama, but can we go back to being regular friends (minus any flirting whatsoever)?
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Had I been you, this is exactly what I would have done: Slapped him and asked him who the bloody hell he thought he was acting in that way? "You do not disrespect me by groping, feeling me up, kissing me obviously looking for a [metaphorical] way in to f.uc.k me but with your head so all over the place you expect me to get in there, sort it out for you - and lie back and offer my splayed legs for you at the same time?? Get the f.uc.koutta here!! get you head straight, but don't come round here, trying to mess with mine!" The guy sounds young. You can't expect the same things of a 19 year old guy with little experience that you do from a 40 year old man. With just 1 relationship under his belt... this guy is just feeling his way along not really sure what to do, or even how to handle his own feelings. Don't advocate being a prick to some guy who is just young and inexperienced.
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I don't care how 'young or inexperienced' someone is - if they're groping you and pushing their luck - they probably know they are, and any person with a modicum of common sense should know better than to make stupid remarks such as the ones he made. He may be 'young and inexperienced' - that doesn't stop him being calculating and a jerk.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Ninjainpyjamas, I would agree with you on a lot of what you said. Perhaps I cared about him as a friend, more than he did of me (hence I was willing to put up with his behavior and just see it as a 'bad' side of him that i should accept, as no one is perfect). I still believe he has been a friend to some degree, because he genuinely likes my company, he is just messed up in the head right now, and also he tends to be a person who takes his negative personal life out on others. Perhaps I will become emotionally attached, but it's the negative sides about him which make me certain I will never want to be in a relationship with him, because I know what I want in a man and a relationship. He told me HE might fall for me. Basically that night he told me a lot of conflicting information Part of me wants to forget about all this, cuz i have my own awesome life to live, but part of me feels we need to talk and sort it out, but like you said he will lie. I've realized I don't want a FWB/sexual relationship with him because it's too complicated, and i can't deal with all his drama, but can we go back to being regular friends (minus any flirting whatsoever)? Of course he's going to tell you a lot of good things mixed with bad, because he wants to get it in but he doesn't want a hefty price tag with it. i wouldn't let it hold a lot of weight with you, however he did tell you that he was giving you this attention because you were essentially just there...that part i do believe, he is definitely just taking the easiest thing available and he doesn't seem all that interested in you...If he was he would have made play even with his GF telling you how miserable he was and how much of a B!tch she is etc etc..although I'm sure he's giving you more than his share of sad stories. A lot of guys are going to do this that take the friend route with women...IT's fairly typical so trading him for someone else isn't going to change the situation just the game up with someone who would use different tactics or has a different interest level...any guy who is truly interested in you is going to make it obvious. I know you value this relationship/friendship but If you could see what it really is from a mans point of view I'm not too sure you'd feel the same way...your nurturing supportive side is causing you to be there for this kind of a guy and he's just soaking it up without even treating you right all of the time. I think you've misread a lot of things you don't realize. If you want to continue this pseudo friendship at least do what other women do with male "friends" and draw boundaries and be firm and clear about them. It's kind of like a dog, once they get the message not to jump on the table and eat the food they'll learn to just stare but not make any gestures or moves that are obvious of you. If he respects you he will respect your boundaries and you more as well for it, give in however to this waning of his emotions trying to be supportive for him and taking a chance and you'll very likely end up getting burned and losing everything. He may in fact change or dislike that you reject his advances, and detach but then you'd know what this was really all about by then.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I don't care how 'young or inexperienced' someone is - if they're groping you and pushing their luck - they probably know they are, and any person with a modicum of common sense should know better than to make stupid remarks such as the ones he made. He may be 'young and inexperienced' - that doesn't stop him being calculating and a jerk. You are still making massive assumptions about his intentions. He sounds genuinely confused. If we are willing to cut young girls some slack for acting like *******s and sleezebuckets... we should extend the same courtesy to young guys.
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Don't include me in the 'we'... if someone's acting like an idiot - then I don't care what gender they are - they're acting like an idiot.
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