Young and deeply in love, and now shes not ready, maybe scared, and I'm heartbroken..

[ScarredSoul]

Two years ago I had finally said to hell with all the outside influences and asked out the girl whom I had a crush on for several years. The biggest things that stopped me were age difference, and the fact that she was one of my little sisters friends. I had always kept an eye on her like a big brother, but as she got older, I felt myself getting more and more attached to her. When I found out that she was going out with guys that were my age that were complete pieces of crap, I just couldn't stand it anymore...I guess it was the motivation I needed or something. I was 21, and she was 17. That night I learned that she had had a crush on me for years as well.

 

We started seeing eachother,...and at first every thing was good,...then It turned out she was pregnant with the child of a guy she slept with the night before we started seeing eachother. Even though a guy should walk away, I already cared enough to be there for her. She ended up losing the pregnancy 3 months in... At the same time she lied to me about another thing in her life. She had told me that she was abused by her father (parents are divorced) as a child, both physically and sexually. I pushed her to get help. The truth then came out, and her family, who treated crappy to begin with, now treated her even worse. So instead of abandoning her, I stayed with her through this because I knew she needed someone. After things started to blow over we had a fight about what the truth really was, and that she had lost another pregnancy when she was 15 from a boyfriend, and it wasn't her fathers like she had told me.

 

For a week we didn't talk, and I was considering ending it. We talked and she had told me that the reason that she lied was to keep me around. She liked having someone actually care about her and be concerned. We talked a lot, and decided to start over. This is when things really became incredible. Sides of eachother we didn't know existed came out...All the stuff you see in movies, peoms, flowers, crazy things you do for eachother just to make them smile....It was truly incredible.

 

She was getting ready to go to college, which was about 50 miles away from where we both lived, so we were both worried about what might happen, but for the whole first semester, things were still perfect. I still saw her about 2-3 times per week. Then, in late March early April, somethings started to happen. First, I being in the Military (Reservist) had found myself busy and not able to spend quite as much time with her. Secondly, the whole college party atmosphere started to tempt her I guess. She wasn't quite okay towards the end of the semester, but we had also not had much time with eachother as of late. Then we had most of April, and all of May together, and things seemed to be rally great. There was no doubt in my mind that this is a person I would like to be with for the rest of my life. I was seriously considering asking her in Aug, to Marry me. this coming from a guy who never wnted a wife and kids, but when we talked about it, it sounded so right.

 

Unfortunatly things in the world don't always let a guy like me have the time he needs, and I found out that I had to go on temporary active duty in late July, so I thought long and hard in May, and decided to ask her. I did.....at first she was so shocked she didn't know what to say...this worried me. I put the ring away, and later that evening, she asked me to ask her again. I did, she told me that this was something that she had wanted for so long, a journey she'd rather take with no one else. Unfortunately, I had to also tell her about me having to go down south until the holidays, and perhaps even somewhere else for longer.

 

A few days later she called me and told me in tears that she couldn't marry me. I said I understood, and that it was alright. A couple weeks later I was helping her move into an apartment by school, and when we finished she told me, she thought we shouldn't se eachother anymore. I was devistated, We talked and cried for hours, but in the end I left. A couple days later she calld me up and said that she was sure, and that she wanted to see other people. For a couple weeks, no contact. Then as July grew closer, we talked briefly on the phone, both doing absolutly misarable. Then nothing until the 4th of July, when she contacted me via IM, and we talked, and she told me things like"How can you love someone like me after all I've done to you, and that she wanted me to hate her. She then told me she missed me but she didn't want me right now, and it hurt her. She said she wasn't ready for what I wanted, an exclusive realtionship, she was scared at the idea of one person for the rest of her life. She had also mentioned that she had been messed up since she found out that I was leaving. This left me even more torn up and confused.

 

Just a couple days ago before I left she said I should stop over and see her before I go. I sat down next to her and we talked for a few minutes. We were stering in eachothers eyes, for a copule minutes, and she said how she missed the way I smell, the way I looked at her, touched her, etc, etc,...Then she leaned in and kissed me....5 times...... I asked her what it felt like, and she told me Butterflies....(the same thing she said the first time we kissed)...It felt so good to feel that again..... I kissed her a couple of times. Then we sta there, and she said, I'm going to kiss you once more, and then walk you out. I asked why she had kissed me in the first place. She said because she might never get to see me again. I then held her as she cried....Then she told me that she needed to be alone, and that I had to go,...I asked her again why she had kissed me, and she told me so she could feel something other than hurt.

 

As I left, and the door closed I could hear her sobbing inside the apartment. The next morning, (I had stayed in town that evening, since it was on my way to the base I am at.) she called me and told me that she was walking to work, and that she would miss me, and then she told me she Loved me. It felt good to hear....So I got in my car and started to head out of town, I stopped at the store to grab a soda before I hit the road, seriously, this was just by chance, she was in the parking lot of that store( cutting through on her way to work) smoking a ciggerette. She motioned for me to stop. I did... She came over and said again that she would miss me, and that she didn't want me to go, I asked her one last time to come with me, she shook her head, we hugged, she told me again that she loved me,...and then as she started to cry, started walking away. It hurt a lot watching her walk away knowing it could be the last time I see her.

 

So now I find myself 1000 miles away....hurting like I've never hurt before, staring around my apartment on post that is empty say for me. I know that she did some terrible things , but in the end it really brought us close. I know she has issues because of losing the children when she was young, and I know she really, wants them, and God how I want to be the one to give them to her someday.....I wrote all of the true feelings that I had had for her down and gave it to her a week before I left, she said she didn't know that I had felt this much for her. I know she hurts too, but it doesn't seem like she hurts as much as I do...After all, shes the one who left me. I know 23 and 19 is kind of young, but I know for certain that I won't feel the same way about anyone else. now that I'm down here completely away from her the pain is something that I really don't know if I can bear.

 

I realize that this is long and detailed, but I wanted to make sure people had a fairly clear idea of where all I'm coming from. I really need anykind of advice I can get. People keep telling me give her time, and she'll come around, but I can only think the worst. I realize that she is young, and I know most of the guys that she was with really didn't set the standard to high, and I really treated her great. I don't know, I'm so messed up right now. When your so close to someone, that you talk about hte names of your children and what they are going to look like someday, to them wasnting to see other people, but they still miss you and love you, although there might be someone else out there for them and they need to now, its really hard, hurtfull, and confusing....I am one of those people that does not cry...I've never cried so much in my life, and I can barely function. I have never felt so alon in my life other than right now. Please, talk to me people...Anyhting you got, it means a lot right now.

 

And thank you if you managed to read this, I know it was long......

[Pained]

I don't know that I can say anything that is helpful, but my heart broke reading your story. You sound like you're in so much pain. You obviously truly love her, and you did as much as you could for her.

 

You're right in saying that 19 is very young. To be honest, 23 is also very young, but by that point you're really starting to realize what you want out of life. She's had problems, which clouds her thinking even more. I think you should try to take some time to take care of yourself. It's hard to always be the strong one, and you shouldn't have to go through this alone. Do you have family or friends to talk to? Sometimes just knowing that someone loves you and is there for you can make all the difference.

 

Chances are she'll realize what she's lost, but for now I think she needs time and space to sort through her feelings. Having been through this recently with my own boyfriend, who also needed some space, I can tell you that they really miss you when you aren't constantly with them. They have a chance to view things from their own perspective without anyone else's getting in their way. This girl really needs some professional help or counseling to help her get through some of the hardships she's experienced. If you truly love her, you'll encourage her to get this help, and offer to be supportive, but also focus on yourself. You need to know that you're a good person worth love and respect.

[HoldOn]

Well, this girl seems a little messed up.

 

She was already messed up before she knew you. She finally meet a guy (you) who treats her well and she can't commit to you.

 

On the other hand, don't you think you are way to young to get married? What about finishing college before even THINKING about marriage.

 

I'm confused about what she wants. Does she want to date you exclusively or not? Does she want to date you, but it confused about getting married?

 

Would your families be supportive? Do you have the financial ability to support a family?

[ScarredSoul]

Thanx for the reply Pained....

Let me say that I'm glad to hear your situation is working out...It gives me some hope. I asked her to get some counsling/professional help. I know that she has access to it through the university, but I don't know she'll actually go, and given the fact she draws a crowd of people who she thinks care (although actions say otherwise) I really have no one that we are mutual friends with that I can be sure will urge her to seek help.

 

As for me...Most of my friends are overseas in some form or another. My sister is mad at her, my parents say things that make me feel even worse, like hey aren't you glad, this that etc... I'm basically in the middle of no where, I don't know anyone at this post, and the type of job I train to do, is, well, I don't get sent places to win hearts and minds. A person in my position would kill his career if he talked to the wrong, or even right people about what he's experiencing. A big part of me wants to dive deeper into "my work", but I'm afraid that this time I'll get lost in it and never be the same.

 

I really appreciate the response. It helps more than you know. I just wish I could shake all the thaughts from my head. It just really messes me up when she told me things like, she puts the ring on once a day just to see if it feels right, and she wishes she was ready. Then she says she's meeting all these amazing people and that she just isn't sure if I'm the one.

 

I just wish this wouldn't hurt so bad....

 

Thanx again for the reply...

[ScarredSoul]

Yes, I would have to agree with you HoldOn...she is a little messed up...maybe more than a little, but she also didn't have anyone that was there for her when she really needed it. She came from a house where there was plenty of beer and ciggerettes on top of the fridge, but no food in the fridge....never saw a dime of her child support either.

 

I'm still not sure what all the issues are at this point in time. She has said that she is not ready for an exclusive relationship right now....which is strange since in the not to distant past she asked me to marry her, and my reply was "someday"....

 

As for me, I've pretty much been done with college over a year and a half ago. Got 2 degrees, non of which I've really used. Her, she wants to be a Doctor, and so besides having a couple years of undergrad, has quite a bit more. Thats why when we talked we said, We'd wait till she was done with her residency, and I was out of the military before we had kids.

 

As far as money goes,...I won't say its no object, but I'm in good shape. Right now, the military is paying my housing (nice apartment, empty though, and thats what really makes this hard, because she could have come with me, until school started, or I had to leave or whenever) food, and on top of that I get my active duty pay which is quite a bit. It all seems worthless though, because no matter how much money I acumulate I still feel like I have nothing. It might sound stupid, but After I bought the ring I was even looking at houses. (I make okay money when I'm not working for the gov't either)

 

Also, yes in the grand scheme of things 23, is young, and 19, is a lot younger. I have always been told I was mature for my age, and most people assume I am in my early 30's. (I look young, I just carry myself "proffesionally" is what I'm told)

I am more than ready to spend the rest of my life with this young woman, doing everything I can to support her, and be there for her.

 

My parents didn't like her all that much, nor the idea of us....Her parents didn't seem to care one way or the other.

 

And I really don't know quite what she wants, and ultimately, I don't think at this point in time she does either..... All I can do is Hope at this point..

 

I hope that awnsers your questions,...and Thank you for responding....it helps to read what other people think, I really appreciate it.

[HoldOn]

i don't have much time to write. But you need to carefully evaluate this relationship. Evaluate whether you want a relationship with her. Evaluate how much s*** you are willing to put up with. Yes, I know she had a hard childhood... blah blah blah, that might give a reason for her behavior, but not an excuse for treating you badly.

 

I don't quite understand why you HAVE to get married NOW.

 

Think about what you'll have to deal with forever if you do get married.

1.) Your parents' disapproval.

2.) Your wife's insanity.

 

These things will never go away. Write down the pros and cons of all your choices and think logically about them.

 

So are these your choices:

 

1.) Give her a marriage ultamatum.

2.) Break up with her.

3.) Date her casually while you date other people.

4.) Be alone for a while, to get your thoughts together.

5.) Give her space until she decides.

 

etc...

[ScarredSoul]

Its not that I "have" to get married now. I would be just fine just being with her. But unfortunately, like I said a about a month and a half ago, she decided we were no longer together, and she wants to see other people. After the events of the las month and a half, one would wonder if she really knows what she wants. Unfortunately now I am about 1000 miles away, like I said, and we aren't together. I know I put up with a lot early on in the relationship, but thst doesn't change the fact that I love her. I suppose that It's going to be a combination of break up and be alone, but not by choice. Its just really hard to deal with, because everymorning I wake up, and ists the first thought on my mind, then throughout the day, every little damn thing reminds me of her. I don't know.......

 

Thanx for the additional insight....

[HoldOn]

I'm sorry that you're in pain.

 

I didn't get the details of your relationship because your story was so complicated!

 

Anyway, logically, I don't really see what you could possibly do right now. She says that she doesn't want to be with you. You live 1000 miles away. You are both still in school and she has a lot of school left.

 

It doesn't seem too likely that you'll be together or get married, honestly. Perhaps you should focus your energy on getting over her a moving on. Hope I am not too harsh, but I think it's the best thing for you right now.

[ScarredSoul]

After about 2 weeks of no contact, i was starting to at least be able to function... But then about 2 hours ago i just learned somethings that can only make me sit and shake. Apperently she has been seeing her roommate since a couple days after we broke up 2 months ago. I find out his after she tells me she wasn't interested in him, and that she wasn't looking. So all this time, when she told me she missed me, and still loved me, and even when she kissed me before i left, she was with him. I don't think they were serious at that point, but in the last 2 weeks I know things have picked up.

 

What really hurts is that she told a mutual friend (who told me abou this) that she is happier with him, than she ever was with me. That she had had feelings for him for a while, and that our relationship had just gotten bad. I realize that we had had some problems and didn't get to see eachother much, but I didn't realize it was bad. It really hurts too since if you read what all we had been through and how we felt, that she could just go right from me to him, and be totally happy. At least she told our friend she was happy and fine and stuff. I just don't understand why she would say yes to me, then break it off and do this.

 

I'm also hurt cause I know this guy was moving in before we broke up,..I know I should be more upset with her, but I'm just too hurt. I just can't believe it. Almost 2 years, and then shes found someone who shes happier with, just like that. I really don't know what to do...I thought I was getting better and now to find out this......why would she say that she misses me and stuff if she was with this guy? God this hurts. I just Don't know what to do....

[HoldOn]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But it is really for the best. This girl was totally messed up. Why would you want this in your life? I know that you can't make sense of everything, but try to think logically about it. You should only love people who love you! Not people to lie and manipulate you.

 

would she say that she misses me and stuff if she was with this guy?

 

She was just keeping you on the back burner in case it didn't work out.

 

I know you are in pain. Don't call her. Don't call her. Don't call her. Don't even consider calling her. Mourn for a couple days and then get on with your life! She doesn't deserve you. She is too messed up to realize what a good man is like, so let her live with her decision. She had a good thing and threw it away. Her loss!

 

So, be sad for a couple days and then start thinking about what you want in your new girlfriend. Start with 1.) Sane 2.) Nice.... Should be relatively easy to find a girl who is actually sane and nice!

 

Also, think about how much easier your life is without this deranged chick.