Vintage79 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) I've been going out with a lot of new people and I frequently find myself wondering after the first date if the chemistry was good or sufficient to warrant more of my time. I know what it's like if the chemistry is amazing, but what is sufficient chemistry typically like on a first date? What would it need to be like for you to ask the person out again, or to decide you would like to see them again? What are the interactions like, and to what level (physical), on a first date for you? Or conversely, what is it like if it's just not good enough - I know what really bad is, but what if it's more ok? I realize that "ok", "sufficient", and "good" are all subjective - but what's your view? Basically, the chemistry on my first dates is frequently ok - inlcuding a fair amount of laughs, some great conversation, some blah conversation, but usually devoid of those very awkward pauses. Sometimes random touching/contact, sometimes not...to me, I rarely feel, "hell yeah I want to see them again", but I also rarely feel, "eew, gross - I don't want to go near that again". I'm usually left wondering, "do I want to see them again or not?". Basically, I'm wondering if I'm missing out on a lot, or not - is the second date with a person you initially had "ok" chemistry with ever any better or is it usually the same? Thoughts would be great! Edited August 23, 2012 by Vintage79
mortensorchid Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Bad chemistry is just what it is, nothing. But good? I can tell you that on my last successful date which was with my last serious bf was very and obviously positive, even if you were an observer. Firstly, we had been interacting through Facebook for a week or so (postings, comments, etc.) then we had moved on to IMs. After a week or so of chatting online, he asked to meet me. When we got together, by the end of it we were so obvious: We were sitting across from one at a table talking, by the end of the night we were both leaning in on our elbows, smiling and making gooey eyes at each other. And neither he nor I are the overtly affectionate type either (never crack a smile, stone faced, etc.), so I knew this was something. And it was, for about six months. You could just feel it. I hate to say it but sometimes you just "know" certain things, and this was one of those things. It sounds a little cheesy, but I've had moments like that in life. Not where I have met my potential husband yet, but I've met plenty of pretend ones, friends, etc. Ha ha ha ...
monkey00 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 IME, I would say this for a first date: - Able to be together for hours and do things spontaneously and not worry about the outcome - Enjoying each other's company - Can't stop smiling and laughing around each other - Familiar feeling as if you've known each other forever - physically, emotionally, intellectually comfortable with each other - on the same page on many things (whether you or the person shifts their tastes to be more conscientious) I'd say all the above is the extreme of excellent chemistry. You can still have good chemistry but not have all of the above happen.
Author Vintage79 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 I've definitely had the, "I know" moments - cheesy or not. What I'm really curious about is when it's not so obvious, or do you only go out with people again if it is incredibly obvious? With my last girlfriend of several years it was the obvious thing, but those situations are very rare. I ask as the people I meet usually look like a great match on paper and then things are decent, but not amazing to the point where it gets an, "I know" obvious kind of thing. Do I see these people again, or at least try to see them again? Or just move on? I've been moving on, but think that I may be closing the door too quickly and wonder if things may be a bit different on the second go around.
monkey00 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I've definitely had the, "I know" moments - cheesy or not. What I'm really curious about is when it's not so obvious, or do you only go out with people again if it is incredibly obvious? With my last girlfriend of several years it was the obvious thing, but those situations are very rare. I ask as the people I meet usually look like a great match on paper and then things are decent, but not amazing to the point where it gets an, "I know" obvious kind of thing. Do I see these people again, or at least try to see them again? Or just move on? I've been moving on, but think that I may be closing the door too quickly and wonder if things may be a bit different on the second go around. The times where I've questioned myself on whether or not I should go out with someone again. (Women have done the same to me) Normally it did not progress anywhere. Sometimes I would go on a second or third date to feel them out and convince myself about my attraction level to them and often nothing would change if it wasn't there the first time. While it takes 2 to tango to make relationships work, I feel the same applies to chemistry on the first date. When you do meet the right person though, you will just 'know' and all the stars will align. As sappy as that sounds, it's true.
somedude81 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 My God stop thinking so much and just trust how you feel. You don't need to read any magazines or watch Oprah or talk to your friends to figure out if the guy you're on a date with clicks with you.
Author Vintage79 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 I mentioned that I understand the click/great chemistry thing, but the majority of the time (at least for me), it seems like more of an intermediate connection on date 1. I'm trying to figure out if it's worth seeing these people that fall into the reasonable, but not amazing bucket, on date one, again...my gut feel with these people is mixed - it would be good to get to know them more, but fine if I don't see them again...
GLDheart Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 This answer is pretty easy: If you find yourself looking at any clock at anytime... It is NOT good enough :-)
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 If you're dating this often you can't really expect more than an intermediate connection most of the time right? I mean what it is that you're looking for exactly? Women who multi-date and with a broad stroke are to me women that don't have any sense and understanding of who they are and what they really need...they are looking outward to be fulfilled by the right man...which seems to be a roll of the dice instead of knowing what they're looking for. In your case I think intermediate connections will have to do...since you aren't really being selective about who you date and you go out with...I'm sure eventually you'll form a bond with someone, likely on accident and it just happening..depending on your mood and loneliness..and how assertive the man is. Otherwise you're going to have to do it the other way...looking and settling for good/intense connections and chemistry, which will much more likely lead to a long-term relationship..because there are a lot of things you just can't create with the intermediate guys. 3
Emilia Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Basically, the chemistry on my first dates is frequently ok - inlcuding a fair amount of laughs, some great conversation, some blah conversation, but usually devoid of those very awkward pauses. Sometimes random touching/contact, sometimes not...to me, I rarely feel, "hell yeah I want to see them again", but I also rarely feel, "eew, gross - I don't want to go near that again". I'm usually left wondering, "do I want to see them again or not?". Basically, I'm wondering if I'm missing out on a lot, or not - is the second date with a person you initially had "ok" chemistry with ever any better or is it usually the same? Thoughts would be great! How do you know these people? Through OLD? Are they strangers? I rarely date strangers so the strong chemistry is already there before the date. I don't really see the point in spending time with someone whose pants I don't want to get into within a reasonable time frame. I don't understand why anyone would do that. That's not the only thing to look out for obviously but it's one of the essentials.
EasyHeart Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 For me, the test during the first few weeks of dating is just "Do I want to see this person again?" If I'd rather see someone else or stay home and watch TV, then I don't go out with them again. I don't think you should ever go out with someone just because you have nothing better to do or figure it will let you kill some time until you meet someone else. (I suppose it's easier for men in this regard because if we don't want to see you again, we just don't ask). And I agree that you should never date someone you're not sexually attracted to. What's the point? To me, that's the difference between hanging out with a friend and going on a date. So if by "chemistry" you mean "sexual attraction", then by all means never go on a second date if you feel no attraction to the other person.
somedude81 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 If you're dating this often you can't really expect more than an intermediate connection most of the time right? I mean what it is that you're looking for exactly? Women who multi-date and with a broad stroke are to me women that don't have any sense and understanding of who they are and what they really need...they are looking outward to be fulfilled by the right man...which seems to be a roll of the dice instead of knowing what they're looking for. In your case I think intermediate connections will have to do...since you aren't really being selective about who you date and you go out with...I'm sure eventually you'll form a bond with someone, likely on accident and it just happening..depending on your mood and loneliness..and how assertive the man is. Otherwise you're going to have to do it the other way...looking and settling for good/intense connections and chemistry, which will much more likely lead to a long-term relationship..because there are a lot of things you just can't create with the intermediate guys. Great points on the failings of multi-dating.
tina783 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) The last "first date" I had was not that spectacular. I thought the guy was a bit bland, and seemed uninterested because he wasn't really asking me many questions about myself. At the end of the date he immediately asked me out for a second date as I was getting in the cab. Caught me completely off guard and I was seriously considering moving on and not seeing him again. However, he was persistent and he would CALL me (not text.) Well, fast forward 3 months and I am in a commited relationship with this guy. The more time we spend together, the more he amazes me. I couldn't be happier. Edited August 23, 2012 by tina783 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Good question. I date a lot and I am looking for two things: 1. Do I feel comfortable in conversing with this person? Are we on the same intellectual level? 2. Do I want to kiss him? If either is lacking, I don't go further.
Jane2011 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) Good question. I date a lot and I am looking for two things: 1. Do I feel comfortable in conversing with this person? Are we on the same intellectual level? 2. Do I want to kiss him? If either is lacking, I don't go further. Same here, but need to qualify those things. 1. Do I feel comfortable in conversing with this person? Are we on the same intellectual level? ALSO, are we on the same social level? Does he seem way more sheltered and inexperienced than I am or way more of a partier and/or adventurer than I am? (Needless to say, I want someone who kinda matches me). 2. Do I want to kiss him? (for me, this can range from I do want to kiss him to .... hmm...I can see myself maybe kissing him. But by 2nd date, I have to want to kiss him.) I'll say too that there have been some guys I've kissed on a first date feeling somewhat lukewarm about them but got way into them by the 2nd date. This doesn't mean I will kiss any guy on a first date, though. Even these ones who I felt "lukewarm" about -- it was a certain kind of lukewarm. It was a lukewarm with vague potential as opposed to lukewarm with little potential. Edited August 24, 2012 by Jane2011
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