F24USA Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I need help! I don't know what in the world is going on here... I've known this guy for 6 months, we dated for 4 months and had like a total of 28 meetings with 20 times staying over and 3 getaways. He's 34, single, no kids, smart, hot, educated, good looking, young looking, successful, has a good family background and absolutely a good catch! I'm 24, single, independent, well- traveled, attractive, sexy... I have a good career, I take care of myself, go to the gym, eat healthy food and committed to living a good life. Looking back, I can say we had a pretty good start. No arguing, no convincing, no unnecessary stress. We seemed to make a perfect couple. We shared a lot of common. We loved the same things. We did the same stuff. We agreed to almost everything. We connected with the way anyone could see that our relationship was obviously headed to something deeper and personal level. It felt magical. He did tell me that he was really interested and attracted to me. His words were always followed by actions. And though we never had the serious talk regarding our status or label, I just didn't bother to confirm, it's not because I was scared to push him away or tales like that, it was just I was really relaxed, comfortable, confident and contented with what I was getting out of what we were having at the time. I thought I didn't have to hear him say exactly a line like "We're officially an item". Certain words were said and things were done, like, when we're out for our 10th date I asked him, "Hey what does 10th date mean to you?" He said "Oh that means my longest relationship ever." Then he smiled and kissed me. And one time while we're watching a movie, I saw a familiar stuff, I told him, "Oh you have that thing on your living room, right?" He answered, "No, no, I don't have that, maybe you've seen that at your other boyfriend's living room. You cheating on me?" Then he laughed out loud. I knew he was joking but uh, he said "other boyfriend", so I thought he was considering his self as my boyfriend or did I just read too much on that? Let me know what you think. And oh, when I told him "Hey you know, I was able to do this and that at my job and now my boss is giving me a free trip to <place> as a reward!" He said, "Wow! My girlfriend's really the best! Love you Babe!" Many many more that I thought were enough to give me the clue which now I think is sad. For 4 months of being together I believed I was the only one he was seeing because we used to spend all of our free time together. He treated me well, initiated all contact, set up dates and insisted to pay for everything. He showed respect, care and concern for me. He was willing to listen to all of my sentiments. He was open to talk and share about his life, about his childhood, about the little boy inside him and all that. And I can still recall some of the wonderful things he did just for me. How I wish I can have those things back, like, when I'm having a rough week at work he'd tell me "Don't worry, things will get better and don't forget I'm here for you. Whatever you need, just let me know". When I'm not feeling well, he'd hug and kiss me till I fall asleep. When we're going out, he'd let me choose clothes for him. When we're shopping, he'd always ask what I think about this and that before he buys them. I miss them. Sigh. Here's the thing. 7 weeks ago, my friend abroad called me and asked me to go on a vacation with her. I said yes to her. After a week I was able to book a flight and when the date was confirmed, I told him that I will be leaving for a vaca and that I will stay abroad for a month. He said, "Take care, have fun and keep in touch if you can..." And he said he'll have busy days at work so his focus will be going towards that and not to anybody else. So, I left... I messaged him every other day, he replied just once a week, but since he told me he was busy for his new project, was working crazy hours and was even staying at his office until 4 AM because he's got lotsa things to catch up I just thought it was okay if he's had no time to respond to all of my mails. I thought everything was just alright... until... I logged in to facebook 3 nights before my flight back home and there I found out that my friend has been tagging me to each and every place that we visited and she tagged our guy friends who were also with us. Well, I didn't tell him that our guy friends were coming with us 'cause I didn't really know they were coming until I arrived at the airport. It automatically occurred to me that he's already seen those updates. I didn't want him to think that I lied when I told him that I was going with my girl friend so I went to his profile to send him PM or something but I saw on his recent feeds that few days ago he was out with some girls. He checked-in at some locations (bars, pubs, fun spots) and he tagged those girls he was with. He never did anything like that before. And those girls also posted photos and tagged him on them too. I knew he enabled his facebook restrictions so those things won't show up unless he accepted to allow them to appear on his profile, so I got it that he wanted to get even. I was shocked, jealous and kind of hurt but I managed keeping my grace. I called him and told him that I will be back in 2 days and that I was excited to see him again and he said "See you! I will be waiting. Have a safe trip back..." The moment I stepped out of the plane I called him and told him I wish we could see each other that night, he said he'll let me know... I waited for 8 hours but he never called, texted or anything so I sent him a text saying, "Busy or something? Can I see you tonight?" He said, "Oh I've already made a plan with my friend. We'll just hang out." I don't know why but OK was the only thing that came out from my mouth that time but after few hours I suddenly came to my senses and felt bad so I sent him a text saying, "What the hell has happened? Why did you make plans with other people when you knew I was coming back? Can't believe I even called you 2 days ago just to inform you..." He called and told me he couldn't break his plans with his friend and that we might just have to forget that day and wait for the next weekend before we could see each other. He didn't even say he was sorry. It was really unusual. I mean, it has never happened before, I was always his priority, he always chooses to see me more than anyone else. I was broken inside so I just said "Thanks a lot, your way to welcome me back was kind of sweet and special... Have fun with your friend! I've always thought that I was the most important to you but now I'm no better than someone in the back burner. How cool is that?" Then I ended the call. He tried to call me back over and over but I didn't answer. After 2 hours, I received a text from him saying "Why are you making me feel guilty for not breaking my plans? I made them before I even knew that you were coming back. Why are you making me feel like a jerk for being unable to see you tonight? Well how about you leaving for a month unexpectedly? How about you hanging out with other guys? Now, who's in the back burner? Well, it's me! So please stop making me feel guilty. Nothing you say will push me to break my plans. Well you've never break any of yours." I replied something like this, "I am not asking you to break your plans but I guess it was much better if you said NO to me early on if you really made them before you knew I was coming back like what you were saying, but what did you do? You made me wait for 8 hours only to hear you say that we can't do it until next weekend! Really? And what other guys? I didn't have other guys hanging out with me! It was you who was out doing it!" Anyway, after a few minutes, he responded, "Out doing it? What do you mean?" I replied, "Huh? What do I mean??? You were out with those girls and now what do I mean???" He said "What should I have done? Should I have just spent all my nights alone? I think it's selfish of you to expect me to do that. I just wanted someone to hang out with. I was lonely and you were away doing your own thing." I broke down and said "Really? I thought you were busy at work? You even told me that you haven't had enough time to respond to my messages because you were working a lot. And I thought I meant something to you. How wrong was I?" He answered..."F24USA, you mean a lot to me. I loved what we had. You were once my all. You're a great girl and you're like the most special girl I know... but for now, let's just take things slow. It would be best if we get to know each other more. There are too many questions in my head still." I was left speechless. I was confused. I didn't say anything after that. I felt strange about how our conversation went but we came to see each other the next day. It was awkward and was full of tension. Neither of us tried to bring up any talk about yesterday. We just got on like as if nothing happened, like as if we never argued. It's like we just forgot or something. A week has passed, the longest week I ever had. He still calls and texts to check me out until now but he never asked me out for a date again. I know he's trying to meet other girls, I've seen 'em and I'm sure he won't date them like the way he dated me, I know it! And I'd even doubt they'd even pass a 2nd date with him. All I'm wondering right now is why the sudden change of heart after all those things that happened between us which I've mentioned in the first 3 paragraphs of my post? I don't understand why did he have to mention about taking things slow when we're both acting like as if everything has already been established before I left for a vacation? Is he backing off? How do I get him to stop from backing off? Is he withdrawing or is just having his time to find answers to the questions that he said were still on his head? Did he likely get upset because I chose to leave just when things were going great with us? But why did he act OK when I was leaving? He should have been honest about what his real thoughts were. Right? Am I guilty of sabotaging a potential lasting relationship that we could have had by leaving and spending time away from him? Was it really me and my confidence that he wasn't going anywhere no matter what because I thought I was that good enough? I'm really struggling in figuring out what has just happened. Now, I don't really know if this one is done or is still worth another try? What should I do from here? Should I just write this man off then simply move on even if it's going to be really hard or should I make some efforts to rekindle the passion and intimacy we once shared because I know I need him in my life? I have other guys asking me out but I keep turning them down because I'm quite invested to him and I liked him a lot and I still do. I miss him. I miss us. Sorry for this one long emotional explosion. Please help... Any thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks in advance!
SeattleBabe Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Men pull away at some point in relationship. Men just don't speak and show their insecurities and jealousies readily. He'll come back when he's ready to be exposing his feelings to you again. I'd say, give it a time.
Imajerk17 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) I think both AlexCross and SeattleBabe make some good points. You are both going to sit down and unwind all that happened. There was a certain amount of bluffing on both of your parts (yours unintentional with your friend tagging too many photos of you on Facebook). You suddenly going overseas for a month--what WAS he supposed to do with that. He saying in response that he would be busy with work to communicate with you. And then all those FB pictures on BOTH of your ends. Meanwhile, I wonder if he had "other concerns" about your relationship. Not that there's anything wrong with you, it's just that there are some concerns with 34 and 24. EDIT: And due to the fact that entering into a serious relationship at 34 often means marriage. Edited August 23, 2012 by Imajerk17
sigurpol Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Echoing what everyone else said and giving my two cents. It's best to catch these things early on before they happen. If you happened to have a hunch that he was getting jealous after you noticed you were being tagged in all this stuff, it might have been wise to clarify that to him in a nice way. I've been in that situation as well where I diffused things really quickly by taking the person aside and explaining to them what was actually going on and reassuring them the truth... As best I can. Also, when you go through times like these, it's best for both parties to swallow their pride, apologize for what they think they did wrong and make up. Avoid a power struggle as to who is wrong and who is right, it doesn't matter. You want to salvage this, yes? Don't bring up any points to strengthen your side, just forgive one another and recognize anything you've felt you did wrong. Lastly, I'm not taking sides and saying you're the one who should be saying you're sorry, etc etc. -- He did go about doing his thing the wrong way, especially at 34, and using an excuse like, "Well I didn't know when you would be home". He could have asked if he wanted to know. Simple as that. He went about it the wrong why by trying to retaliate. Let it cool off for a bit, get in contact and attempt to sit down and tell him what you told all of us. What you miss most and what you want out of it. Good luck out there!
Author F24USA Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) Thanks everyone... I would try not to freak out and just cool down for now and reconnect to explain myself better to him when things freshen up. I hope he'll be ready to speak up for his side soon enough. I'm willing to try my hardest to re-ignite that special connection that we used to have. I honestly didn't want to ruin the good things we had going. I'm not ready to lose him, I don't know what's gonna happen to me if he chooses to totally shut us down. I hope he's aware that I'm hurting. I know I have a life, but since I made him a part of it, it wouldn't be that easy for me now to let him go. I just hope he's not drifting away and tuning out for good. I don't know how am I going to handle that. Edited August 23, 2012 by F24USA
MadSworthy Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 He suggested taking things slow because he wanted to protect himself. He realized something when you were away that triggered his mind to flip. Try to communicate your feelings about these things to him, he's the only one who can make things clear.
Author F24USA Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Yes, and thank you. He flat out said that he's not ready to talk about it just yet when I asked him why he's acting like this now and what has happened during the time I was away but he insisted the arrangement about getting to know each other more and taking things slow remain unchanged which left me more confused... I'm willing to work this out but it seems to be some kind of loose ends, I have more questions in my head now than before. Ugh. Men are just so difficult to understand. They get so vague. Where has my 'almost perfect guy' gone?
truth_seeker Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 RED FLAG 1: You tell him you're going away for a month abroad with a friend. RED FLAG 2: Pictures of you with guys on your vacation. Automatically, he's thinking "What happens there, stays there" is what she's doing on her vacation. Okay, I'll go out and meet up with some girls. F her! I really can't blame the guy, no matter what age he is, as you gave him the impression you were taking off to have some fun. He's sees you having fun with guys in photos. I would think the same thing. Give it some time like others are suggesting and talk to him.
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