Elephant in the Room Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) Hello, so after almost a month after my ex girlfriend broke up with me, I'm still taking things pretty hard and thought it may help to post here and perhaps get some advice. I've already read a ton of advice and it all makes great logical sense to me, yet my mind and heart are often in two very different places. One moment I'm actually sort of "ok" with the break up but still depressed, and the next I'm extremely hurt and miss her terribly. It's very frustrating and I often feel apathy in whatever I do, even hobbies I should enjoy. I'll explain more on that near the end, will try and keep this post organized. The Relationship before the breakup So this was a long distance relationship that lasted for years. Its not my first relationship, but my first was in middle school and nothing happened really. When I got into this long distance relationship (around high school), I could feel something different, it seemed more meaningful and we were in love. I live in the United States, and she lives in Europe, we chatted daily over instant messengers and through games and such. Fast forward to about 2 years ago (so 6-7 years into the relationship) and I'm in college and its about time to finally meet her. Things didn't quite go well, the transition from long distance to a face to face relationship brought up a ton of issues. To me, she felt extremely cold to me. To her, I didn't seem to portray myself in real life the same way I do online. I probably did get shy and it was dumb of me, but it was also my first time in a foreign country and I got extremely nervous. Its no excuse but it happened and I screwed up. We fought a ton when I got back about it all and nearly ended things back then. Since then we probably grew apart some but she was important to me so I was still fighting for her. I got a job over the summer as well as straighten my life out in other ways so that I could visit her again and show her I can be the awesome guy she fell in love with. The Breakup Can probably already see where the story is heading, but anyways I do visit her the next summer, so that would be a little over a month ago and 8-9 years into the relationship. After the growing apart from the massive fights before we seemed to have reconciled - sort of. We seemed close yet as if something was broken or missing. In the past we used to be able to talk for hours about anything and everything. Ever since I visited her I feel such is not the case. She's always busy and multitasking so when she talks to me she is talking to several other people at once. But since the initial visit it seems more like she is talking to me every 15 minutes to 30 minutes due to her talking with other people. I can understand multitasking but I know shes often talking with other people the same way she used to talk to me, where she can stay on their conversation for a long while before switching to others. It just sort of killed me we can't talk like that anymore. Anytime I'd try and bring up that issue she'd just call me clingy and whiny etc., so I gave up since she tends to just bring those words up anytime I try to bring anything up. Again something from the first visit where I guess shes stuck with that image of me and can't shake it. But anyways, I visit her this summer and it actually went well. We had fun, I joked and made her and her family laugh. It felt like a blast. But anytime I tried anything romantic-wise, kissing her or hugging her things weren't so well. We did have a couple of good kisses but she said she felt no chemistry with me and didn't find me romantically attractive. She said that I lack experience since I've only ever had her as a girlfriend (again the previous was in middle school so there was no kissing or anything) so I'm incredibly awkward in trying to set the mood or anything. Inside I felt like "Well it takes two to tango and you're not really giving me anything to work with here..." but I didn't. But I still feel that way since once again she was pretty cold towards me. But whatever, surprisingly we didn't break up after she said all that, though I obviously felt incredibly hurt and confused and could sense things would break soon. A few days later it was time for me to head home and boy was that an extremely long and excruciating plane ride home when lost with thoughts of a break up heading my way. Indeed, when I got home, she broke up with me. Though I guess I am kind of thankful it didn't happen before I headed home or the plane ride would have been a whole lot worse, or with a whole lot more alcoholic drinks. She said I didn't provide her with what she wanted in a boyfriend, how she wants someone who makes her feel bubbly, loved, inspired, etc. and that she didn't feel that with me. That hurt like hell to hear. But still she offered her friendship and said I still hold a special place for her. Also she noted that there is no telling what the future holds and that maybe we could try again after a few years if I am still single (she made a point to say she most likely would be) when we both have gained some experience. Aftermath I'd have felt like a jerk not to accept the friendship. I've known her for almost half my life, for about 10 years. It just seems stupid to let something like a breakup ruin something like that right? The problem is I still obviously have feelings for her. Even if she didn't feel the in love chemistry with me, I did feel it with her. I know its a terrible idea to be friends with someone you're in love with but I don't want to lose her from my life completely either. I've tried No contract for a while (though did tell her I wouldn't be around since we are still friends), but it was way too hard. Although sometimes I feel like it may be better for me. While I don't feel she was in the right every time she complained of me being clingy, it is indeed an issue with myself. As I said she was a huge part of my life for half my life. So in a way I need to distance myself to prove I can be independent and move on with my life. But I don't want to harm the friendship either. So sometimes I consider taking a long break of no contact (I only managed about a week of no contact... though did it twice) such as a month or two, and just letting her know beforehand. Its extremely frustrating to be so upset about this. I know its normal, we were together for a long time even if it was long distance, and the feelings were real. But its frustrating because after giving it thought I realize we may not be the best for each other romantically after all. She's constantly busy when I'd want someone I could hold a conversation with, she can be pretty abrasive at times and I don't have the thickest skin, and other reasons - sometimes I feel like I was trying to fit a mold of whatever she was looking for which isn't a good thing to do. Yet still I love her and can't get her out of my head even after I already feel so hurt. I keep thinking about times we kissed this summer and it all felt so right to me, but I guess she was just forcing it since she felt no chemistry. There is one kiss I remember in particular where she was biting my lip gently and everything. I really thought that was real but when I asked her about it she claimed she was just putting on a show for her mom, just... wow thanks. She also had wine in her for that kiss so guess there's that too. But damn it, it is so frustrating to constantly think about her every day even though we're no longer a couple. I miss her. But then when I talk with her I'll still feel down because I just remember what we had and miss that. Our online interactions hasn't changed all that much since theres nothing physical about it in the first place, but it still feels different to me, emotionally and psychologically. Plus there is what I was talking about before about missing being able to hold a conversation with her. Trying to cope So I know the best way to cope is to keep busy. I've recently graduated so I don't have school to distract me anymore. I am too depressed to try and get a job yet, I am pretty sure my performance would drop since I absolutely cannot stand being idle or I start getting depressed. Thus I keep busy in a few ways for now: playing games, watching comedies, writing stories, reading, and talking with people. Games, comedies, and writing have always been good hobbies but none of them completely distract me. And then sometimes I just feel apathetic and can't even start whatever activity it is, or I start and quit after about just 15 minutes. Talking with people works, but the problem is I don't have many friends and I'm not that close with my family. The friends I do have seem to all be busy around now and I've only managed to hang out with each of them about once since the breakup. One friend of mine has been good at listening to me when I need to talk but I feel like I annoy her when I keep getting sad and down and just repeat myself like a broken record. As for family... my mom died in the period between my two visits to my ex. I was close with her but not so much with my dad. He also recently got a new girlfriend already and I lost quite a bit of respect for him. My brother is a cool guy but he's not really someone to talk to about these sort of things, I've already tried. So for now the only coping mechanism that's been helping me is exercise. I've decided to try and improve myself. I've been working out daily. Cardio and leg work one day, upper body and weight lifting the next. Exercise has been good at keeping me focused elsewhere (though I still think about my ex while doing it sometimes unfortunately...) . Problem is these take only about 1-2 hours each day. My other activities help somewhat but as I said nothing truly helps completely... I know its time that will help but it's all so very hard. I know its not the end of the world, and that I'm still young and will eventually meet someone else but right now it still hurts a hell lot. My favorite activity is sleep and I hate getting out of bed, since when I sleep at least I'm not thinking about her, but whatever random dream world comes up. I love her still and that frustrates me, I want her out of my head so I can keep living. As of now life seems so bland, as if I am just eating, sleeping, feeling depressed, or trying to distract myself from being depressed, and then start it all over again for the next day. *big sigh* Thanks for reading and any comments or feedback is greatly appreciated, I just feel like a mess. For the longest time my goal in life was finding a way to live with her or bring her to the United States. Now I feel like I'm aimless and can't really come up with a new goal to care about with the same passion. It also just feels like something is missing and trying to find something to fill it with. I do know I'm definitely not ready to date again yet. I need to learn to be strong all by myself first before I am ready to share myself with someone else again. Edited August 23, 2012 by Elephant in the Room
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