annrei Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Hello, I'm new here. I've been lurking in this forum on/off for years now. When the times are good, I won't be around, but when jealousy rears its (ugly?) head, I'm back again. This time, I'll actively ask for help from any of you. Your thoughts, comments, anything - will be much appreciated, especially anything that can help me put things in perspective. I've been married for more than 1.5 years, but have been in a relationship for more than 5 years. In the very first month of us dating, my now-husband cheated on me with several women (some sexual etc). It was very complicated, and no I do not condone what he had done, but in some warped manner, I understand why he did that, and I *think (and hope) I have forgiven him by now. It was extremely difficult in the first few months of course, and looking back now, it did seem kind of stupid of me to have still pursued this relationship with him. But I did, and that changed everything for him, and we truly fell in love in the subsequent months. However, it (naturally) broke my trust for him. I had a very hard time believing him, whenever he told me he is heading out for drinks with the lads - I'd either stay up till he returns, and immediately interrogating him (I admit, not very nice of me), but I could not help it. There was all that anxiety, and imagination running wild. It did not help too, that in the first year or two, he did head out drinking a lot more, sometimes in clubs, and have been groped by women (!!!) Three years ago, when it all seemed slightly better, and our relationship was getting more and more serious, he broke the news that he was previously married, but has never once, revealed to me. That was another blow to our relationship, another trust issue that I had to get around with. There were (somewhat) valid reasons for him keeping his former marriage under wraps, and I wasn't upset that he was married before (if I had known from the start he was a divorcee, I wouldn't have cared less), but was extremely betrayed for him keeping something so big from me for years. What other issues and past has he been hiding, and covering up, from me? I thought. Well, I got over that too, and he proposed, and we got married. Our relationship is at times wonderful. We do talk, spend time together, have a house and dogs and a baby is on the way. But at the same time, there are still underlying issues that were never really resolved. I still have issues whenever he needed to head out for work drinks or drinks with his friends. I feel uneasy whenever he needs to do that. I still question him where he went, who were with him, and how much he drank. I require him to frequently text me when he's out drinking. It has got much better.. in that during the times he was out, I could read or watch telly at home without over thinking, or even worrying/obsessing what he was up to. Two nights ago, he came home to tell me he had lunch with a female colleague. He hardly speaks to her; he is her senior. She is leaving the company and has asked him for a farewell lunch. It turned out to be a farewell lunch for just the two of them! And he has mentioned her before - that she is very tall, slim, attractive, innocent, a 'good' person. He has also mentioned that he thinks she has a crush on him. But my husband is not exactly the flirtatious type, and can come across as being aloof at work - he doesn't really speak to her at all. So anyway, they had lunch, and he shared that he's expecting very soon, and told her a little about me (where I am from etc). He then asked her whether she's single (she is). In any case, it wasn't a fancy lunch, it was relatively quick, and that was that. Well, but when he told me about it that evening, I got insanely, irrationally jealous of her. I was furious that she, having a crush on my husband (not even sure if this is true, but I think it is, as my husband's reading of people is very accurate), still had a lunch with him one on one. I felt VERY insecure, as my husband told me that he was surprised she would have a crush on him as she is 'attractive, and could have almost any guy she wants'. She is exactly the type of girls I'm most threatened by, because she is not the sort to flirt openly, shy, almost reticent, the type that I think my husband likes in a girl. It just got me into thinking overdrive. I am so jealous, and so insecure (I'm heavily pregnant by now, and can't take control of my body like I used to - to go for runs, to dress up in heels and a lovely dress and make up and head out). But I know my husband didn't do anything wrong. He simply had lunch with her, which she initiated. And now she is no longer in the office (she has got a new job). But they may still meet occasionally due to their nature of their work. Please - how do I keep my jealousy from ruining my relationship with my husband? He hasn't been the 'perfect' husband either - he doesn't make me feel secure, loved. He doesn't say I'm pretty - hasn't said that in months - doesn't flirt with me, doesn't pay me compliments, we haven't had sex in a long time (I'm pregnant!!!). Last night, we had a good talk, but I was literally bawling my eyes out, and he was finally more sympathetic, and we had sex (which was very very nice and intimate). He said he would try to be more sensitive to my needs in the future. But I"m wondering if I truly have issues, that I should see a psychiatrist, whether I'm too demanding, too needy. Or whether my husband also has a part to play? I'm sorry this is long. There's a lot more to this of course, and would be glad to share. I just need some perspectives.. reminders!
BetrayedH Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Once you've been cheated on in a serious relationship, most say that blind trust never returns. It doesn't help that he continued untrustworthy behavior (lying about a marriage for chrissakes). He also has piss poor boundaries if he thinks that he can go out drinking with the buds and have one on one lunches with the opposite sex. Get the book, Not Just Friends, and ask him to read it with you. He still needs to be sensitive to the situation he has created for you. It is his actions that proved him to be untrustworthy and frankly, it doesn't sound loke his previous dalliances were truly resolved sufficiently. You are left carrying the burden of his crimes. You are not irrational. You are perfectly rational and normal. I think his life should be an open book and that he should not be remotely defensive about any transparency you want from him. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. He should embrace any opportunity to rebuild trust with you. Meanwhile, you do have to get control of your reactions. The best way I can phrase it is that you shouldn't react; you should respond. Be calm. Be direct. State your boundaries. Be clear with consequences. No yelling, swearing or screaming. You should have an aire of confidence in the way that you deal with him. And it is time you started taking more action about red flags when you see them. You could have seen some of this coming with his prior behavior but now you're in deep with a child on the way. If this guy continues to be a problem, you should not be having any more children and should be yhinking about something else entirely. This man will not respect you if you don't respect yourself. Act in a respectable fashion and demand the same from him. Good luck.
GLDheart Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 He has treated you horribly. The worst of it was, of course, at the beginning but it is still going on. It is incredibly insensitive for him to take gorgeous single girls that have crushes on him to lunch... In fact, he's out right rubbing it in your face.
Darren Steez Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 He has treated you horribly. The worst of it was, of course, at the beginning but it is still going on. It is incredibly insensitive for him to take gorgeous single girls that have crushes on him to lunch... In fact, he's out right rubbing it in your face. Absolutely agree, how blooming callous is that! As much as you two have good times together, it seems your husband has moments of extreme selfishness where he just ups and does what the heck he wants to do regardless of your feelings. But it also seems like you have allowed him to get away with alot, so while you may interrogate and get mad after the fact, you allow him to get away with this behaviour
nofool4u Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 annrei There are two possible scenarios here given the fact that your now-H cheated on you with SEVERAL women and neglected to tell you he was previously married. 1) You get rid of him and relieve yourself of the lies and uncertainty. or 2) You stay married to him and will forever have suspicions or concerns about what else he has lied about and if he has even cheated during the marriage or will cheat. The only other possibility, which I don't see happening, is that you talk to him about all of this and you are able to forget about it all and everything will come up roses in the future. I don't see this 3rd option happening at all. So given all of this, what do you do? What do you want to do?
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