Mr. Sexy Talk called today!

[RedRobin]

I find that a lot of guys also secretly yearn for that dance, as while they go for the sex straight away, they also experience something I think you are familiar with - they lose respect for the person they are engaging with.

 

Respect, maybe...

 

But there is this other thing... this approach/avoidance that is completely natural to have.

 

I LIKE the progression of giving people gentle opportunities to step back, step out (if need be)... or just plain reflect and ponder that comes with taking a more measured approach.

 

... and I NEED the guy to help me out with that. I can't and don't want to shoulder that responsibility all on my own...

 

That is the part I get angry about... That is when dating stops being 'fun' for me... Makes me not even want to try anymore.

 

So many guys say to me "these hoes nowadays......." while shaking their heads - and I say back to them "you pricks are part of your own problem :lmao::lmao:".

 

I always admire how you can see things from both sides...

 

As for your predicament - I feel that your demographic may be holding you back somewhat in terms of your dating life, but there may be something in your aura or the way you relate to men that could be coloring your interactions with them somehow. I can't know what that is, but maybe something to ponder.

 

I dunno. I'm tired of thinking about it...

 

I admire your fortitude though

 

Thanks

[kaylan]

......

 

Never mind.....

Answer the question. How are you in the "public eye"? And how old are you as well? You can be vague with both answers, but it would help us understand your situation better. The age answer would be most helpful though.

[RedRobin]

You say that when you walk into a room, all the people in it talk about you and that it happens on a regular basis and that there are consequences of monumental impact for a lot of people, which are remembered in memory by many people and that it was not your choice to be in that position.

 

Yes... that is pretty close to what I've experienced.

 

Like I said, if you explain it like that, then it only makes sense if you're a celebrity or high profile official or something like that.

 

Yes, I have been in the public eye... Still am to some extent... But I pulled out of it (as much as I could without unduly affecting my work) because I didn't like what came with it.

 

I still have some lingering effects from that time... One of which is I've had to be very careful about selecting not only romantic opportunities but also friendships.

 

Regarding Mr. Sexy Talk... we met through a mutual acquaintance. Someone I was just getting to know and trusted.

 

So I was incredibly disappointed when Mr. Sexy Talk acted the way he has. I've yet to speak to my other friend about it.

 

I'm more inclined to kind of keep my distance from both of them... The whole thing is sad, really.

 

Because I have my doubts now about who I can trust at all... and opens up old wounds from my divorce and what happened with that. I have my core group of friends, and of course, my family.

 

But whenever something like this happens... a little part of me just dies.

[kaylan]

^What I wanna know is, why give a fvk what the public thinks? Live your life how you want to. I think you need to change how you meet men, and then youll find better guys to date. You probably wont change where or how you meet guys though, since youre worried what everyone else thinks.

[RedRobin]

^What I wanna know is, why give a fvk what the public thinks? Live your life how you want to. I think you need to change how you meet men, and then youll find better guys to date. You probably wont change where or how you meet guys though, since youre worried what everyone else thinks.

 

You don't understand, and I don't expect you to... it's just not that simple...

[RedRobin]

Answer the question. How are you in the "public eye"? And how old are you as well? You can be vague with both answers, but it would help us understand your situation better. The age answer would be most helpful though.

 

no. my work and my age are not relevant to this discussion.

[TripLine]

When I am comfortable with someone, that is normally how I talk. The funny ******* way. When women are not conservative, they find the jokes semi funny.

[RedRobin]

your not in the public eye unless you count city council of a little village.

 

I never been on a city council. You must be confusing me with someone else.

[ThaWholigan]

I never been on a city council. You must be confusing me with someone else.

It's a troll RR. Report & ignore.

[RedRobin]

When I am comfortable with someone, that is normally how I talk. The funny ******* way. When women are not conservative, they find the jokes semi funny.

 

Well, we run in different circles then obviously...

 

Noone I know talks to near strangers that way.

[xxoo]

Noone I know talks to near strangers that way.

 

At least one guy you know does, apparently! Mr. Sexy Talk

 

(not so sexy....more creepy and invasive)

[RedRobin]

At least one guy you know does, apparently! Mr. Sexy Talk

 

(not so sexy....more creepy and invasive)

 

Does anyone really 'know' Mr. Sexy Talk?! ha ha

 

yea, I guess I do now.... I suspect that is a side he hides from lots of people though.

 

I need to find a polite and respectful way to let our mutual acquaintance know what happened.... so that he doesn't unwittingly agree to act as intermediary again. There were times that were definately scary.

 

The guy is 6'-5" and a former competitive bodybuilder. The guy is massive. Not normally my type at all. But he seemed to be on good terms with someone I trusted, so I gave him a chance.

 

Imagine THAT guy coming to your house, at night, uninvited, after you refused to answer repeated phone calls.

 

The fact that I managed to shush him out of my life without causing a scene or escalating into a big argument (or worse) I consider a highlight of diplomacy.

 

It took alot out of me.

[kaylan]

You don't understand, and I don't expect you to... it's just not that simple...

Youre not trying to help anyone understand you. You run away from answering questions and are too vague. Youd rather complain then be helped? We cant help you if we dont know a little bit more about where and how you meet these guys.

 

Again I say, switch things up some. You were the one touting how much better it is to meet men through acquaintances and look where its gotten you. Maybe you need to go out on your own and not be afraid to meet strangers in new and interesting ways.

no. my work and my age are not relevant to this discussion.

Um yes they are. Your work affects your social circle and who you meet. Not to mention you being so concerned with the public eye.

 

And your age affects suitors as well. The older you get, the less good men they are to snag up. Many people get paired off as they age.

 

So they are relevant. But obviously you dont want help with your problem. Youd rather evade the questions and wallow.

 

Meh. Whatevs.

Edited August 28, 2012 by kaylan

[RedRobin]

Again I say, switch things up some. You were the one touting how much better it is to meet men through acquaintances and look where its gotten you.

 

It still beats OLD and dating strangers any day.

 

Maybe you need to go out on your own and not be afraid to meet strangers in new and interesting ways.

 

I do meet strangers... all the time.

 

I don't date them though... not until I've gotten a chance to observe them for awhile.

 

Um yes they are. Your work affects your social circle and who you meet. Not to mention you being so concerned with the public eye.

 

I have friends from all walks of life and I socialize alot. But I'm careful about who I let get to know me... or try to be.

 

And your age affects suitors as well. The older you get, the less good men they are to snag up. Many people get paired off as they age.

 

Why do you think I'm so sad about my divorce? I know this. I couldn't fail to notice that you took my prior disclosure at my sadness about my divorce as an opportunity to ridicule me.

 

What about you? You act like you have forever... But you don't.

 

So they are relevant. But obviously you dont want help with your problem. Youd rather evade the questions and wallow.

 

You have no possible way of knowing what I'm going through at all. All you want is dirt to use.

 

Your statement above in bold proves that...

[kaylan]

It still beats OLD and dating strangers any day.

Other peoples success in different avenues of dating versus your own failure using your methods so far, beg to differ.

I do meet strangers... all the time.

 

I don't date them though... not until I've gotten a chance to observe them for awhile.

Why do you need to observe them for awhile? Honey, none of us are getting any younger. If you meet someone you find endearing or attractive, simply start hanging out and get to know them. Why waste time hawk eying everyone?

 

I have friends from all walks of life and I socialize alot. But I'm careful about who I let get to know me... or try to be.

And these walls will be your downfall.

 

Why do you think I'm so sad about my divorce? I know this. I couldn't fail to notice that you took my prior disclosure at my sadness about my divorce as an opportunity to ridicule me.

 

What about you? You act like you have forever... But you don't.

I missed the disclosure of your divorce. My bad. Either way, my point stands. Age is a factor for everyone. I dont see why you took what I said as ridicule. It wasnt in the slightest.

 

I was merely being realistic. People pair off quickly (or already are) once 30 hits. So age colors our dating pool differently. The older we all get, the less singles there are...and even if there are many singles, people will usually have a little baggage. Finding a childless, drama-less, well to do, good head on their shoulders, man or woman after a certain age becomes a little harder. But thats life....its a competition at times.

 

And how do I act like I have forever? Have you seen my threads. Please go through my thread history. It took me a little bit of time to get to where I am now...and Im still growing and changing. Ive learned to accept that life will be what it is. Ive learned to accept that I have time limits and that forever is no guarantee. Id love to be in my 20s forever, but I know I wont. But even with that, I dont want to be down about things or force anything. I feel things will shape up in time.

 

You have no possible way of knowing what I'm going through at all. All you want is dirt to use.

 

Your statement above in bold proves that...

I want dirt to use? Not at all. Im simply telling you that no one can help you when you act so closed off. You cant get accurate advice when you are vague with everyone. And you cant move forward when you still refuse to change how you find men.

 

Why would I care about having dirt to use against you? Youre just some woman online whom Ive never met. Id rather try and help you instead of hurt you. Why waste my time trying to bring you down? If what Im saying bothers you, its only because Im being real and honest with you.

[ja123]

RR,

 

I don't know you, but I just read the last couple of pages of this post, and my impression is that you might be suited to a salt-of-the-earth artful tradesman. Someone who is kind, unpretentious, and true blue.

 

Someone you can laugh with, and who will hold your hand. Someone whose shoulder you can cry on.

 

Someone who isn't in any kind of race - who is simply himself.

 

Someone who doesn't wear a mask, or shield his heart.

 

Someone who is probably very far away from your "scene".

 

How does that sound? and how to find him?

[RedRobin]

Other peoples success in different avenues of dating versus your own failure using your methods so far, beg to differ.

 

I tried it... all it did was open me up to much worse behavior than what I'm describing here...

 

Trying OLD was probably the worst decision I ever made when it came to my early dating experiences....

 

Why do you need to observe them for awhile? Honey, none of us are getting any younger. If you meet someone you find endearing or attractive, simply start hanging out and get to know them. Why waste time hawk eying everyone?

 

I've spent plenty of time telling people here why.

 

Mostly because of our dating culture today and most men's need to lock in sexually ASAP... and do it before I get information I need about their history and character.

 

I don't even bother with them now. They try to push... I acknowledge that our pace is off or they have something to hide, and I dump them.

 

Easy.

 

And these walls will be your downfall.

 

F you. Look in the mirror and ask yourself how many women you have or tried to sort into the good for now bin and the good for a relationship bin. Ask yourself how early in your knowing her you did that and when exactly you decided to share that info with her.

 

Then look around all at all of your fellow brethren.

 

Then tell me I'm full of sh*t.

 

I'm not. Just because men don't 'like' walls doesn't mean I shouldn't have them. Any smart person does. Especially women.

 

I missed the disclosure of your divorce. My bad. Either way, my point stands. Age is a factor for everyone. I dont see why you took what I said as ridicule. It wasnt in the slightest.

 

good, thank you.

 

I was merely being realistic. People pair off quickly (or already are) once 30 hits. So age colors our dating pool differently. The older we all get, the less singles there are...and even if there are many singles, people will usually have a little baggage. Finding a childless, drama-less, well to do, good head on their shoulders, man or woman after a certain age becomes a little harder. But thats life....its a competition at times.

 

I've never had the criteria of whether they had children, income, education, etc as filters.

 

My pool is quite wide... The only area it is NOT wide is when it comes to age, health, and character.

 

And how do I act like I have forever? Have you seen my threads. Please go through my thread history. It took me a little bit of time to get to where I am now...and Im still growing and changing. Ive learned to accept that life will be what it is. Ive learned to accept that I have time limits and that forever is no guarantee. Id love to be in my 20s forever, but I know I wont. But even with that, I dont want to be down about things or force anything. I feel things will shape up in time.

 

Ok.

 

I want dirt to use? Not at all. Im simply telling you that no one can help you when you act so closed off. You cant get accurate advice when you are vague with everyone. And you cant move forward when you still refuse to change how you find men.

 

My age and job are not relevant because I don't use those things as excuses to hurt other people, string them along, or treat someone badly...

 

Which was the point of this thread.

 

Another poster said the guy probably didn't view me as relationship material...

 

Ok... what if I told you that Mr. Sexy Talk is the same age as me...

 

Is that relevant? Maybe... Maybe guys treat women their own age and older like sh*t and treat much younger ones like princesses because they view them as 'relationship' material? Wouldn't change the fact the guy is a d*ck. Which was the real focus of this thread. There is no excuse to treat people the way this guy was treating me. NONE.

 

The fact that I have more of this behavior now than I had in the past is just a huge sign to me of how f*cked up our culture is and dating are...

 

I refuse to internalize and take responsibility for other people's bad behavior... when I did nothing to invite it.

 

Why would I care about having dirt to use against you? Youre just some woman online whom Ive never met. Id rather try and help you instead of hurt you. Why waste my time trying to bring you down? If what Im saying bothers you, its only because Im being real and honest with you.

 

I'm not obliged to answer questions that I don't feel are relevant to the discussion. You can dig all you like.

Edited August 28, 2012 by RedRobin

[Emilia]

I dunno...

 

Ask the people here on LS why they think it is a cool idea to invite a woman over on the pretense of 'cooking' when they really wanna just f*ck.

 

 

Yes it is a 'cool idea'. I have no problem with dealing with sexual expectations from men, when I date someone I have expectations of my own. Just because they want something it doesn't mean they will get it. I'm not some rabbit in the headlights who needs to be seduced, I'm completely comfortable with deciding whether it's something I want and I'm not offended by being asked.

 

Tell you what, sometimes it is only cooking too! Those pesky men can actually sometimes mean what they say.

 

I think your animosity towards men puts you in the wrong headspace to date RR, maybe it's time to take a break from it.

[RedRobin]

Yes it is a 'cool idea'. I have no problem with dealing with sexual expectations from men, when I date someone I have expectations of my own. Just because they want something it doesn't mean they will get it. I'm not some rabbit in the headlights who needs to be seduced, I'm completely comfortable with deciding whether it's something I want and I'm not offended by being asked.

 

I'm not offended by being asked.

 

I just realize we aren't compatible, the pace will be off, and that I can look forward to lots of pressure and BS if I accept future dates... that all future dates will then become about when he gets it in... not getting to know me.

 

... but, I do tell them this in a polite, but firm way... not a mean or judgmental way (believe it or not) They usually get a chance to back off. They never do or have.

 

So, as time goes by, I've learned to just dump them.

 

I'm just not interested in men who ask or push early (especially from near strangers)... There are tons of ways to express romantic interest in someone that doesn't involve these behaviors.

 

Tell you what, sometimes it is only cooking too! Those pesky men can actually sometimes mean what they say.

 

I'm ok leaving that up for someone else to figure out. It has never meant anything else but a push for sex in my experience when it is offered/suggested early on.

 

I think your animosity towards men puts you in the wrong headspace to date RR, maybe it's time to take a break from it.

 

I don't have animosity towards 'men'. I still have many men in my life that I value and trust.

 

My animosity is towards the dating process, or what passes as such here in the US.

 

I'm not going to exclude meeting new people... I WILL refuse to participate in what others call 'dating'... yes.

Edited August 28, 2012 by RedRobin

[manup]

Ok, this is mostly about one guy... but it could be about more than one guy... because it happens alot with me. Probably three times in the past six months...

 

I'll call him Mr. Sexy Talk... the guy who becomes very inappropriate very early on... the one I say in no uncertain terms...

 

"Sorry, we aren't compatible."

"Our goals and values are different."

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not interested?!"

 

So, he calls today. I pick up because I never saved his number in my cell phone in the first place.

 

Says he wants to be just friends... (uh huh) and feels bad about being such a jerk before.

 

Ok, I'm cool with being friends (waiting for the other shoe to drop).

 

Sure enough... he calls back and says he saw me the other day on my bike and then went home to beat off.

 

I just laughed and said "la-la-la-la, I'm not hearing you!! Keep that to yourself, Mr. Friend."

 

I signed off and said, "well, I'm glad we are still on speaking terms (we have a mutual acquaintance). Have a great day and I'll see you around."

 

I made sure I put his name in my phone this time so if he calls again, I can ignore.

 

 

 

Seriously... who does this? Does it freaking work? I suppose it must, otherwise they wouldn't do it.

 

Jeez, it just comes across as so... sad.

 

Oopsie, he just texted... oh no... that'll teach me to friggin' pick up the phone and try to be civil. Sheesh.

it works sometimes

[Emilia]

I'm not offended by being asked.

 

I just realize we aren't compatible, the pace will be off, and that I can look forward to lots of pressure and BS if I accept future dates... that all future dates will then become about when he gets it in... not getting to know me.

 

... but, I do tell them this in a polite, but firm way... not a mean or judgmental way (believe it or not) They usually get a chance to back off. They never do or have.

 

So, as time goes by, I've learned to just dump them.

 

I'm just not interested in men who ask or push early (especially from near strangers)... There are tons of ways to express romantic interest in someone that doesn't involve these behaviors.

 

 

Why? Why not just deal with the situation in case it's REALLY about dinner? Sometimes they just want you to see how they live. If you are concerned about being date raped then that's one thing but to pre-emptively dump someone for inviting you to their place is just.... not very smart.

 

Some people are genuinely interested in including you in their lives in various ways, one is to show you their home. Some men actually want to look good by showing how domesticated they are.

 

I don't get the suspicion, I think it would pay well if you allowed yourself to get to know them better.

 

I'm ok leaving that up for someone else to figure out. It has never meant anything else but a push for sex in my experience when it is offered/suggested early on.

 

Then I think you have been dating 'rough and ready' types. Perhaps time to switch to a higher grade.

 

I don't have animosity towards 'men'. I still have many men in my life that I value and trust.

My animosity is towards the dating process, or what passes as such here in the US.

 

I'm not going to exclude meeting new people... I WILL refuse to participate in what others call 'dating'... yes.

 

From what I have seen here on LS, a lot of American men don't define dating the same way as you do. I'm getting the impression it's the socio-economic status of the men you are dating.

[RedRobin]

... or maybe I should go ahead and have sex with these guys and dump them the minute they get attached.

 

I already know I'm capable of doing that. I'm quite capable of turning it around... I know very well how to play the 'game'... I just choose not to play it.

 

This seems to be the kind of behavior they are inviting. Why should I care if they get hurt?

 

They don't care about hurting women with their 'expectations'... they've probably made a habit of it their whole lives.

 

... but naah.. I have better things to do with my time... Plus it is not the kind of person I want to be... AND, it frees me up to find a genuinely kind-hearted, responsible man. If/when he happens to come along.

 

If he doesn't come along, I've still lived my life without regrets or feelings that I've preyed on others... A life of integrity I can feel proud of. That counts for something. At least it does to me.

[RedRobin]

Why? Why not just deal with the situation in case it's REALLY about dinner? Sometimes they just want you to see how they live. If you are concerned about being date raped then that's one thing but to pre-emptively dump someone for inviting you to their place is just.... not very smart.

 

Some people are genuinely interested in including you in their lives in various ways, one is to show you their home. Some men actually want to look good by showing how domesticated they are.

 

I don't get the suspicion, I think it would pay well if you allowed yourself to get to know them better.

 

 

 

Then I think you have been dating 'rough and ready' types. Perhaps time to switch to a higher grade.

 

 

 

From what I have seen here on LS, a lot of American men don't define dating the same way as you do. I'm getting the impression it's the socio-economic status of the men you are dating.

 

I need to head out for work... will respond later...

 

but quickly.... I've observed this from men from a wide socio-economic range. The kind of thing I'm talking about appears to be an expectation drilled into their heads somewhere.

 

I don't recall this being the case when I was much younger and before I was married. OTOH, my ex-H had his flaws, but he was also from old money.... Since I don't care about money (and I got a taste of the ugly side of being in a family with money), I've chosen to expand my pool to include men from all kinds of backgrounds... provided they have good character and discipline.

 

so, yes... once one gets into a certain demographic... the dynamic DOES change. One really needs to be very far removed from the average 'joe' here in the US.. or so it seems.

Edited August 28, 2012 by RedRobin

[kaylan]

As I read through your last post, I asked myself "why bother?'. You appear to be the female counterpart of the bitter man brigade that frequents this forum. But Ill try to help anyways. Shall we...

I tried it... all it did was open me up to much worse behavior than what I'm describing here...

 

Trying OLD was probably the worst decision I ever made when it came to my early dating experiences....

Im not talking about just OLD. You can meet people in many kinds of ways. Either way, OLD, meet up groups, strangers in the park or coffee house, or acquaintances through a mutual friend, all run the probability of meeting someone who isnt right for you. Youve had bad luck all around, so why limit yourself to one avenue of acquiring dates?

 

I say keep your dating pool expanded and just have fun. But whatever, if you wanna keep doing what youre doing...then by all means do so. People have had success and failures with all forms of dating. Im just saying that switching it up every now and then can help.

 

I've spent plenty of time telling people here why.

 

Mostly because of our dating culture today and most men's need to lock in sexually ASAP... and do it before I get information I need about their history and character.

 

I don't even bother with them now. They try to push... I acknowledge that our pace is off or they have something to hide, and I dump them.

 

Easy.

Again, stop going into situations waiting for someone to screw up. Just enjoy things in the moment. Not every guy wants sex right away...and if a guy does come on to you, simply let him know its not time. Its not the biggest deal in the world. People have sex drives, and a desire for sex isnt a reason to throw someone out of your life.

 

Simple say its too soon, and go from there. Plenty of guys will have no issue with that. Hopefully you can find these guys.

F you. Look in the mirror and ask yourself how many women you have or tried to sort into the good for now bin and the good for a relationship bin. Ask yourself how early in your knowing her you did that and when exactly you decided to share that info with her.

 

Then look around all at all of your fellow brethren.

 

Then tell me I'm full of sh*t.

 

I'm not. Just because men don't 'like' walls doesn't mean I shouldn't have them. Any smart person does. Especially women.

Wow...how mature of you to lash out at me for being honest with you. Your attitude is your biggest problem and you sit and try to defend such bitterness and defensiveness. You dont think good men can sense this despite whatever little facade you put up? I mean really...F me?

 

And I usually know whether a girl has potential as a gf or not very quickly. And I will not hook up with them unless we are both on the same page in what we want. Not every guy is going to rush into things with women he doesnt see himself with.

 

And I dont speak for my "brethren". Every guy is different in how he does things. But Im not rare in how I do things myself. I do know that walls are unattractive and a defensive, uptight, and insecure attitude like yours would definitely keep you out of the potential gf bin. And get mad all you want, thats honesty.

 

I've never had the criteria of whether they had children, income, education, etc as filters.

 

My pool is quite wide... The only area it is NOT wide is when it comes to age, health, and character.

And as I said. After a certain age, the pool is smaller. And heck, sometimes guys are getting out of relationships and are sick of them. They may figure they are older and want to enjoy being single again. Gotta be some diamonds in the rough out there though.

My age and job are not relevant because I don't use those things as excuses to hurt other people, string them along, or treat someone badly...

 

Which was the point of this thread.

 

Another poster said the guy probably didn't view me as relationship material...

Age and job are relevant. Ive already told you why age is...but lets go over the job. Your job is a big part of who you are, and can be a big part of who you hang out with. So it does mean something...especially since youre this public figure. So the job obviously has an affect on your love life.

 

Ok... what if I told you that Mr. Sexy Talk is the same age as me...

 

Is that relevant? Maybe... Maybe guys treat women their own age and older like sh*t and treat much younger ones like princesses because they view them as 'relationship' material? Wouldn't change the fact the guy is a d*ck. Which was the real focus of this thread. There is no excuse to treat people the way this guy was treating me. NONE.

There are guys of all ages, who treat women of various ages like crap. It happens....and those guys can piss off. He might not saw you as someone hed date for a number of reasons. Hell, he might not be looking for a relationship with anyone at all.

 

The fact that I have more of this behavior now than I had in the past is just a huge sign to me of how f*cked up our culture is and dating are...

 

I refuse to internalize and take responsibility for other people's bad behavior... when I did nothing to invite it.

Oh wells. Either you can complain and blame the world, or you can try and look at the bright side and expand your horizons. Its up to you.

I'm not obliged to answer questions that I don't feel are relevant to the discussion. You can dig all you like.

If youre fine with making no progress, then so am I.

[Emilia]

I don't recall this being the case when I was much younger and before I was married. OTOH, my ex-H had his flaws, but he was also from old money.... Since I don't care about money (and I got a taste of the ugly side of being in a family with money), I've chosen to expand my pool to include men from all kinds of backgrounds... provided they have good character and discipline.

 

Very noble (not being sarcastic) and understandable but....

 

so, yes... once one gets into a certain demographic... the dynamic DOES change. One really needs to be very far removed from the average 'joe' here in the US.. or so it seems.

 

It means you are learning to interact with a new group you don't know how to get a measure of easily. I know that dating 'middle class' men works for me and sometimes they are in 'lowly' occupations or have working class hobbies but they were still brought up in a certain way.

 

I think it is very hard to tune into another strata. Perhaps you need to refine what you are looking for in a different way. Makes sense?