head/heels Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Hello all, thanks in advance: . Long story short- I need opinions, advice, support from the group of amazing people here on LS. I broke up with my gf of 5+ yrs about a month ago. I started going out with her via an online dating site after 5 months had passed since I was devastated by a blindsiding from my first true love after 4 yrs together. This my recent 5 yr gf was a rebound and I was never fully attracted to her. In fact at first I thought, (terrible to say but I will admit it as I want and need help so that I can change myself so that maybe I can salvage our relationship in the future or not make the same mistake with another woman in the future) that she was not pretty enough for me (I have self esteem issues) and I would be hesitant to go with her in public. Meanwhile, others think she is very attractive but I was more attracted to her personality and the fact that she was a giving, fun, caring and ambitious intellectually stimulating woman. . We took it slow bc I still pined for my first Ex to return to me after seeing the error in her ways. Of course she didn't but after 6 mo we were intimate and the sexual chemistry was through the roof! We couldn't get enough of each other. I still told myself that I was waiting for my ex and that she was not pretty enough for me so I kept her at a distance for 2 yrs while I got higher education. This, she broke up with me when I couldn't commit to monogamist relationship (though was not having sex with anyone else and have not since). She felt, and rightfully so that I was waiting for something better to come along. . Fast forward 3 months and I misses her terribly and also the sexual contact and closeness with another person that understood me. She took me back and for the next few years we had a long distance relationship and this served me well as I didn't have to commit myself to her as much while I was in a higher level of training at that time. All the while I kept her at arms length but enjoyed and loved talking to her and being with her immensely. . March of this year she said if we didn't end up working out she wanted a man that was more emotionally available and able to talk about his feelings and the relationship. It hurt me deeply but also made me realize that if I was not happy and she wasnt happy we should break up. This lasted 4 days after I called her andade it seem like I was confused that she wanted someone else but it was really me realizing I couldn't get on without her. . During this short breakup a really pretty co worker who had never flirted with me ever did so about 2 days into the 4 das. I instantly was attracted to her physically and I saw her out and about from timeto time and she always made me breathless in her beauty. I never had these feelings for my ex. Only an amazing respect and deep love for how great a person se is and how unconditionally she loved me. In may I ended up getting cozy with the beautiful coworker (nothing more than touching her legs) while drinks were involved at a company get together. After it was over I felt sick and did not feel the excitement of the event and I called and professed and confessed to my gf the next day. Of course she was upset but felt that maybe this would help me see that I truly wanted her. It did for about 3days and then I was again indifferent about the situation because I was not attracted to her fully and had started to notice some superficial flaws that I could not see past on her. . I ended up breaking up with her (i had extreme anxiety about moving in with her) about a month ago and I still can't accept that I broke it off with her as she is someone I could only dream of spending my life with and having children with when taking into account all the great qualities she does have an also how great our relationship was in our communication, hobbies, intellectual conversation, goals and dreams and the fun we had together. That is to say that The only issues was my lack of commitment for reasons explained above. . Now it is killing me inside to know I threw away a truly beautiful person inside and out bc of issues I have with myself (self esteem, not feeling good enough, depression). I am getting therapy, on meds, and want more than anything to "fix" or change myself so that I can present myself back to her in the future and be prepared and ready for a full relationship in the future. My question is has anybody dealt with this and can I really overcome my preferences and fault of placing looks ahead of the truly amazing person she is and how she loves me with everything she has/had? . Please help as I am severely guilty inside and depressed an seeking answers and change.. Thanks and sorry so long.
lovehurts82 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Having been "your girl" in a similar situation, I would ask you to keep something in mind. What will happen in your relationship with a supermodel to whom you can't connect on anything other than their looks when 25 years down the road, their looks begin to fade.. or something should happen to disfigure them permanently. A person's worth is about their character and their personality.. charm.. what makes them tick and what makes them the person that they are. I should /say/ you should feel guilty for putting your girl on a yoyo and dragging her through what she's been through. That kind of a life is not easy, I know first hand. However, I /do/ commend you on finally wising up to the fact that looks fade or can be changed with the blink of an eye. As for being able to change, I believe ANYONE has the capacity to change, it's a matter of whether or not their willing to put in the effort and then stick with it. I would give it some time and a lot of hard thought, though, about whether or not you are serious about really WANTING to be with this girl FOR HER and not just upset at the thought of no longer having her on a string. My apologies if my response was rude, for it was not meant to be that way. This just hit very close to home for me and well.. I'm doing the NC thing, so Hope all goes well for you! 3
Crila16 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I don't even know what to say. I was also the girl in your scenario. I can tell you...10 years later, he's still trying to get me back after realizing his ex wasn't as awesome as I was. Stick with the therapy and try not to be such a shallow hal. 1
Author head/heels Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 I wholeheartedly feel for each of you as I wouldn't wish it on anyone let alone the woman that I adore and live. I have OCD tendencies (obsessive features an not compulsions) and it definitely is keepin me from living my best life ( either with or without her). I have to get help on this and if I am better in the future and really know that she is what I want in my life then I will call her and see if she still cares. It sucks that I can't get help with her in my life but I tried that and it almost killed me inside. I guess 7 yrs of keeping her distant to me really screwed up my chances of loving her for the rest of my life even though that is what I want to do now. I have to get past that hurdle in my brain that focuses on her specific flaws instead of what my brain knows to be the best woman I have ever known. I wish she could know how much I love her and adore what we should have had if it wasn't for timing, my past insecurities and my lack of caring and attraction and giving in completely to her love ( which was unending). God bless her.
Author head/heels Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Crila- I am so scared I am going to end up like your ex bf - alone, shallow, wanting her back. But I also feel that she deserves someone that sees her as the most beautiful woman in the world and I am beating myself up for the fact that I couldn't. I wish beyond anything else that I could.
Crila16 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Have you ever been able to be with a woman and not pick her apart? Have you always been critical of everyone you've ever dated, or just this one? There are 4 parts to a loving relationship. You have to have an emotional, mental, physical and sexual attraction to the person, otherwise it won't work. Maybe you did only have 2 of the 4 .... or 3 of the 4.
Author head/heels Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Crila, I have been critical of my past gf (my first true gf) in that she had unproportionate lower body that she was very self conscious about but it didn't really bother me that much ( although I did notice it). I was never critical towards her in that way since it was the way she was genetically. I loved her for her and I was totally encamped with her and put her on a pedestal and never realized that she wasn't giving back to me emotionally just like I did with my recent ex. I was also a rebound to her. . That is what is affecting me so much, I am putting her through what I had to go through and I never wanted to do that to her but I wasnt man enough to love her like I should have. I wish I could go back in time. . I think I was definitely attracted to her mentally, sexually and more than i realized emotionally and only partially physically.
biogirl05 Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 she definately deserves to be with someone else. It's been my personal experience that when you love someone you really can see past their looks. You are being really unfair to her, stringing her along as if you really loved all of her when you don't. And I don't understand why you keep calling your relationship a rebound. 5 years is not a rebound anymore, you're not rebounding just because you started a new relationship. sounds to me like you were really disrespectful to this girl throughout your relationship. Here's an idea; next time hold out for someone you're attracted to on all fronts. It's radical, I know, but no girl deserves to have the guy she's with thinking that she's not pretty enough for him. Trust me, that kind of thing can destroy a girl. your ex is pretty to someone else, so let her have that.
Am313 Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I'm not trying to be a dick, but bro you seriously need therapy. The hot chick you want to date will be a trophy to you, or worse yet she'll make you a doormat because you'll put her on a pedestal. I'll be honest, the day I made things "official" with my ex, I was sitting on her bed and picking her apart physically. I got scared and wanted to break up. She wasn't who I had imagined I would be with. But you know what, after some time I fell madly in love with her. I would get hit on by 10s, see gorgeous women everyday, women who were definitely hotter than my ex, but none of them held a candle to her. To me she was the most beautiful thing in the world. What I miss so much is how I could look at her and I would literally try to find her flaws and see her as not pretty, but I couldn't. I would see her flaws and say "that's what makes her beautiful". I thought she was the prettiest, sexiest, most attractive woman walking the earth. Honestly, she wasn't, she's a 6, 6 and a half at best, but I was PROUD to have her on my arm in public. But that's NOT THE PHYSICAL! It's the emotional aspect that made me see that. That's a place you need to get to. Please, finish therapy. I hope so much that you could experience what I've described above....because nothing feels better than dating someone who you truly feel is the most beautiful person in the world.
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