JD1977 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I am new to this but, I am looking for some insight. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. Things have been rocky from the get go. I found out about a year into our marriage that he had been lying to me about a few things. The biggest one being the he owned the house we were first living in. He was acting very suspecious about things regarding the house. Then when I found out and confronted him, he denyed it. It wasn't till I said I was leaving that he came clean about it. I was so emberrassed that he had been lying to me and our friends and families about the house. I grew up modestly so I didn't care about owning the house itself, it was the fact that he had lied to me over and over again. And this was no small lie, if he was willing to lie about this, what else has he, or will he lie about in the future. Over the next year I found out that on FB he was telling a "friend" of his how he wishes they still had their Tuesday night dinners (apparently her boyfriend had just left her and she was going through a hard time) and if he was there, (we moved out of state) he would bring her flowers. Another night he spend hours talking to an old friend from HS about her marriage falling apart. When he got off the phone I asked why are you so invested in this, you haven't put that much time in trying to fix our marriage, he said, she is an old friend. I said you haven't talked to her in 20 years, and now your on the phone with her for hours? He would never text me or any of his friends because he said hated texting. But I found out that in the middle of his work day, he was texting yet a different (girl) friend. I might have been over reacting but he was so shady about everything, and after the lies, I couldnt trust him. Fast forward a couple years and there is just nothing left. I feel so gulity about not wanting to be around him, but he has just turned into an unhappy guy. I have tried everything I can think of to make things better, but we are just not happy together. I am by no means the perfect wife, but I have great relationships with everyone else except him. And now we are not having sex. Almost at all. Maybe a handfull of times over the last year. I have tried sending him flirty/sexy texts during the day, and I get no comments back. One time I got all dolled up and put on a sexy negligee and called him into the bedroom where I was laying on the bed for him. He walked in and said "nice" then turned around and walked back into the living room to watch TV! I always believed marriage should with stand the hard times. But how much is too much? I don't think he is cheating on me, I think he is just unhappy too. Thanks for your help!
shiftman Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) Only you can answer that question. For me, it took 25 years that I can never get back. I can tell you that without mutual trust and respect, it will not get any better. Edited August 22, 2012 by shiftman
SuperGeek Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) He clearly has something bothering him. Maybe he's depressed? Have you recommended that he see a counselor? Perhaps he has a chemical imbalance and needs medication. I do think it's lame he lied about the house. Why lie about something like that? Sounds like you're pretty much done though. Guess it's time to just get the D and move on. SuperGeek Edited August 23, 2012 by SuperGeek
BetrayedH Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Have you been to marriage counseling? It does at least give a safe place to open up a dialogue. Unresolved issues build resentment and that WILL kill a marriage. Your trust issues are legit and need to be addressed as well as the other things (intimacy, etc). MC forces you to address them for an hour a week and teaches you how to discuss them without shouting or shutting down. I also recommend the book - His Needs, Her Needs. Your vows were for life, not just until you are "unhappy." I don't mean to be harsh, really. But it sounds like you're ready to throw in the towel a little early. We men are also a very dense lot. Sometimes we have to be hit over the head with a 2x4 to get the message. Your H may need a conversation that you are seriously considering a separation/divorce before he realizes that while his marriage is supposed to be for life, he can't take it for granted. If you have this direct conversation with him, you may see a plethora of changes you really never expected. My wife did it with me and it was a big wake up call. I changed more things than I can list and it was because I did truly love her. I had just also become unhappy and it made me complacent. Sadly, after a month of wholehearted changes on my end, I discovered that she had been in an affair for a year. All she needed was to have the courage to have that one difficult conversation. After that, she felt stupid (her word) for not just fixing her marriage. Obviously, your situation is different but you can see where things can go. My $.02...get to work fixing your marriage and get your husband involved. If not fed, a marriage will die and the fact is that it takes two. Good luck to you.
GuyInLimbo Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Get out now while you can. He's proven himself to be a chronic liar. And, speaking as a guy, if I'm spending that much time "helping" other women and telling them I missed doing things with them, I'm not into you at all and I'm looking for something else, if you know what I mean. I think his move when you dressed up for him says all you need to know (On a side note, I'd PAY to have someone do that for me....) 1
Author JD1977 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Thank you! You guys have no idea how much your post help me! We did just find out that he has diabetes, and within two weeks it was under control, I try to get him to encourage him to exercise with me, but he won't. It took me forever to get him to go to MC (which I found weird, because if I had hurt/lied to him I would have tried to do anything to fix it) but he finally went, for a little while. It helped while we were going but it was kind of like putting a band-aid on a broken arm. Plus he said somethings in there I thought were red-flags..... Like, it shouldn't bother you that I said and did those things, it wasn't crossing the line. I couldn't believe he actually defended his behavior! I am pretty sure he is still doing those type of things just getting better at hiding it. But, and here is a big BUT, other than throw little complaints in about how we are never together anymore, how do you tell your husband your not ok with your sex life. There is NO GOOD WAY! I don't want to hurt his feeling or bust his ego. I'm afraid that will push him away even more. But with our relationship like this, I'm going crazy! I feel like I do what most husbands wish their wives would do, and yet I get nothing. I'm completely frustrated and I can't make him want to change.
shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 You can't change him. He is the only one who can do that.
Author JD1977 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Betrayed H I agree marriage should be for life, but what can I do if he doesn't want to try to make it better. We were fighting (as usual) over text today, and I said I cant do this anymore, I want a seperation. He tried to call me once, but I didn't answer. When he got home he started going on about work like nothing happened! About an hour later he said what's wrong with you? I said are you kidding me, and he said, is this about what you said earlier? I just said forget it. And I moved into the guest bedroom. He is not phased by it at all. How much more can a girl take?
BetrayedH Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Appreciate your response and I feel your frustration. Since you told him you want a separation and essentially got no response, I think it's time to take that action. It will either be a wake-up call or it won't. For what it is worth, he also took vows and is breaking them when he is making no effort. You have a right to have a partner in the marriage and he has an obligation to be one. Oh, as far as his potentially bruised ego is concerned - resolving resentment about your sex life is more important than his ego. You are correct that there is no good way but it has to be done.
shiftman Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 You have a right to have a partner in the marriage and he has an obligation to be one. For me, this is the key. A marriage is indeed a partnership on the highest level. Without it, you have to entities co-existing within the same residency.
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