I Lost Her

[Ncogito]

Not sure what is going on… My GF and I have been together for 3 yrs; both are 21, and currently attending the same college where we met. I love her very much and think she is the one. This summer she had an internship out of state, but which was actually in the same city her aunt lives, and only two hours from where she grew up. So it was a great situation for her. I stayed in state. This wasn’t the first time we were away for a summer (two summers ago). I would come and visit her once and visa versa. All is fine I went up to see her 4th of July weekend and we were at her hometown the whole time nothing out of the ordinary. She did mention some guy a few times (not like her to do, as I thinking back) but at the time thought nothing of it and don’t remember to much about him or what she exactly said. After I went back, within days, something didn’t feel right.

 

My GF is very hot (in a sorority, acts the part; but sometimes it is hard to get her to express what she is feeling. So I chalked it up as her being her. Fast forward a couple weeks, and I am starting to feel a bit uneasy cause she is not replying as frequently to my texts and not initiating any herself (another thing, I have always been the one who initiates most texts but she always replies promptly). Our phone conversations are also less frequent and the conversation shorter. I am keeping my uneasy feeling to myself knowing that I will see her in couple weeks when she visits. Not so, she texts (doesn’t call) saying she just doesn’t feel like making the trip, why travel for just a couple days and she will be back in a month anyway. I tried to call, no answer, text saying I don’t mind come back up there, and could look for a cheap flight, I want to see you, call back. Nothing back…. Another text, one more call nothing… THREE HOURS later….”hey, I am at work, can’t discuss now… we will talk about this later.” Later didn’t go well, she pretty much tried to guilt me into not coming (successfully) and kept bring up “can’t you just wait a couple more weeks”. So by now I am in full panic mode, I start interrogating, she pushes back, we fight, I back down. The next day I apologize but make the point that “something isn’t right”.

 

I am checking her facebook to see who she has friended; no new friends. I am trying, she won’t tell me anything, is very distant and the more I pry the more distant she gets. Again, she keeps a lot inside, but not like this and though sarcastic, does/ did consider my feelings. After she said I was acting like a girl I took a break but was killing inside, we never went a day without at least some communication…. Nothing until Saturday, when she says, stop being so sensitive, and some other snide remarks. I call, we fight but finally communicating, she all of a sudden wants to stop talking cause she has to get ready, make something for a “work function” i.e. party. All for not… I am done.

 

Or not, I text her on Sunday asking how did the “function” go…. One line text back… nothing else until that night when she calls and says she doesn’t like how I am acting and she only has a two more weeks here and to calm down until we can talk in person. I am so tired by then I just agree but added she isn’t acting like herself why can’t she tell me what is going on; she says because I am annoying her., I am questioning everything and starting to blame myself. I can’t get answers and it is making me needy (I can see that). I couldn’t help myself though, tried to call without avail, so I text apologizing, one word answer back… OK

 

I can’t take it anymore…. I have to stop this madness, I am at wits end.[/FONT]I did find out that she is not going to her hometown as much as in the beginning of the summer, also one of her friends here, has noticed her absence from facebook and asked her outright if she was “being bad”. She said she wasn’t too her but her friend knows something I can just tell. I had to know and after pretty much confessing all that I was thinking and how it was affecting me her friend said, “she isn’t cheating on you, she might have a small crush but that is it and nothing has happened or will it cause she cares for you and knows its wrong. I instantly call her really upset, she blows up on me but does tell me bit by bit she does like someone but nothing is going to happen… after I tell her she is lying and should of said something right way… she says, look nothing is going to happen, I am leaving to come back on Saturday, we can talk then…. Not what I wanted to hear cause of what I thought that meant… she finally tells me “he is 35 married with kids and I would never do something like that and you should know that.

 

I lose it and now she won’t take any of my calls/ texts…. She is cheating and I lost her. I know I am pushing her away… but what should I do??

Edited August 22, 2012 by Ncogito

[Furious]

I really need some tissues after reading that post,

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.

.

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To wipe my A$$ with......

 

Listen Tiger, your 21...Yes 21 years old. This may come as a surprise to you but this **** happens all the time. Chances are that this will happen to you again pending the right (or wrong) circumstances.

 

You are not married, are very young, no children, hopefully some good friends and family, in college or university and working!!! this is your time to learn and focus on yourself & your future. Think big, think success, think Greatness.

Find a hobby to pass the time. By a pack of cigarettes, smoke weed ad play XBOX live for hours on end, change your distributor cap, whatever...

 

Dwell for a few more days if you must then go find something to do and stay with it.

 

you will learn more about yourself in a much shorter period than you thought.

 

 

 

Ditto....

 

My god your whole life is ahead of you, travel, learn, meet other girls.

 

If you were to read the stories here on this forum you will realize it could have been worse.

[96nole]

OK, I get it, you love her. You've been with her for 3 years. Since you've both been 18. What you do is stop checking her facebook. Stop calling and texting her. If she wants to contact you, she will. But if she's with some 35 year old guy, you can't stop her. She wants to try other guys. Now it's your turn to try other girls.

 

You're only 21. You're in college. There are a ton of other hot women walking around. You should be laying so much pipe right now that you can be a licensed plumber. You will quickly see that there are better women out there. A year from now after you've just drilled someone else to your mattress, you're going to look back to now and start laughing.

 

Good luck and Godspeed

[GLDheart]

She has made a choice. Respect it so that she retains some respect for you. It's all you can do.

[mark982]

don't call or text,and don't take hers either. have some respect for yourself and move on,your only 21..

[Untouchable_Fire]

I lose it and now she won’t take any of my calls/ texts…. She is cheating and I lost her. I know I am pushing her away… but what should I do??

 

Pull your crap together. When I was 21, I would have responded to this crap by dumping her, then banging all her friends.

 

I know this hurts like hell... but it's temporary... and it hurts a lot less when you realize she is just a bitch... and there are plenty more bitches where that one came from.

 

If you start hyperventilating thinking this is the best woman you can get... then you are in massive trouble. I've been around... women like this are a dime a dozen.

[Summer Breeze]

Two things.

 

Don't go seeking out her friends and female family members to sleep with. What a horrible bit of advice that is. You may feel better. You may hurt her. You very well may just hurt some innocent girls along the way too. Don't be that guy.

 

The other thing. I won't say to you that you're ONLY 21 and to just get over it. There's no magical time when love is easier than another time. Love at 21 can be just as traumatic as love at 30, 40, and even 50. When you feel something deeply you need to find your way through it. In some respects it can be easier if you're younger. As other posters have said you have no kids, you're not married. But you also may be the kind of man who feels deeply. If you fell in love with someone at the tender age of 18 and still love her to the depth you portray then you're not going to leave that behind easily. If you love her and it's over then you need to mourn it.

 

I will tell you something from my own experience. Don't let her take your power away. In a way she's doing you a huge favor. She's giving you an out. You see that she's struggling about someone else. She was finally honest about her feelings. She may not be being fully honest about her intentions but at least you have enough information to make decisions for YOU. Don't just hand that power back to her. Don't think you can help her through this. See her and listen to her. Kiss her on the forehead when you part and wish her luck. Thank her for finally coming clean. Tell her if she wants to call you when it's over then she should. You might be available and if you are you might decide to talk to her. She won't walk away from him till she's ready to no matter what you do. Thank her for being honest with you and concentrate on you.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's not easty at any age and sometimes it's a little more tender the younger you are. Good luck.

[nofool4u]

Ncognito, I was in the same spot when I was your age.

 

High School sweethearts, she decides that she likes the attention from other guys, cheats, I am devastated, I lost 20 pounds because I couldn't eat for a week.

 

Went on for about another month STUPIDLY trying to get her back, knowing she was not to be trusted, but I was hurting.

 

Then finally the grief passed and anger took over, so I just stopped contacting her, even moved to a different place.

 

And what do you know, she calls me missing me, blah blah blah, wishing things would have been different and wanted to know if there was ever another chance for us.

 

I told her, "not a chance in hell". She goes on to get married, and her husband cheats on her while she is pregnant. Karma.

 

Point is, you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Your so-called GF will get hers in spades.

 

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and yes, I know how hard that is, been there, and start getting angry.

 

Get out and start dating around. Play the field(without hurting someone), and enjoy being young and single while you can. You will thank me for it.

[seibert253]

You're acting like a tool. Sorry to be so blunt. No wonder she's drifting away from you.

 

Women are attracted to strong, independent, confident men. Can you honestly say you've been acting like any of those? Nope.

 

Want her back, easy:

• Back off
  
• Start ignoring her (make her run back to you)
  
• Move on (act unaffected, like you don't care)
  

It will drive her crazy. She will run back to you, or run away from you. Either way, you win.

You can strengthen your relationship if she runs back, or you can move on and find "Ms. Right", because if she cuts and runs, she ain't it.

 

Seriously dude, your 21. PLENTY of other women out there.

[2long]

Love at 21 can be just as traumatic as love at 30, 40, and even 50.

 

I'm good, then! (59 this year).

 

Ncogito:

 

Something like that happened 2 me when I was 18, with my first serious GF. We'd been getting along great, then suddenly she's "not home" when I call. I ask a friend of hers about a week later what happened, and she said my GF was hanging around with someone else.

 

I was crushed, but I made one more attempt to hear it straight from her, and so drove by her place on my way home from work. She answered the door, but was completely cold 2 me. Fed me some story about getting in2 drugs and laughing about trouble she was causing or getting in2. I don't think any of it was true, she just knew how sensitive and kind I was and wanted 2 scare me away. It pretty much worked, 2!

 

It 2k me at least 6 months 2 get over her 2 where I could sleep at night without tearing up. About a year or so later, a friend of mine who'd gone on a double date with us and a friend of hers, talked me in2 going 2 see her. It 2k him several days 2 convince me, but I was off work and he finally succeeded. I kid you not, the first words out of her mouth were "I was just thinking about you!" I almost melted - she was so pretty and sounded and smelled like I remembered her. The 3 of us went for a walk in the park next 2 her housing tract, and my friend strategically ran off 2 climb a tree or something so we'd be alone (lol). I was polite with her, asked her how she was doing, and enjoyed the walk, but after what I'd been through with her the year before, I wasn't interested in going through anything like that again if we were 2 get back 2gether. I think she wanted us 2, though.

 

My friend ac2ally visited her a 2ple more times on his own. I pretty much figured he wanted 2 start dating her. I wasn't jealous, though, and it didn't last more than a couple daytime visits.

 

I saw her again once about 3 or 4 years later, when my fiance and I were shopping for levis or something, and she was working in that store. I didn't realize until that moment that they both knew each other from a class they had 2gether in junior college. And my fiance was surprised I had dated her (she said she was a jerk in the class). When she heard we were engaged, she started 2 tell my fiance how lucky she was, but then corrected herself and said "BOTH of you!" That was 38 years ago.

 

I never saw her again after that, but about a year or 2 ago, I found her on FB. I think she had found me as well, as for a while there were things on her info page that she had "liked" that were interesting - like a band with a date in their name that was my birthday. I've never tried 2 contact her though, and she hasn't tried contacting me either.

 

It's weird being old and looking back on experiences like that. For a very long time, I'd have dreams about that GF once every couple of years or so. More like I was curious what she was doing or wanting 2 show her I'd gotten over her or something. Since I found her on FB, my curiosity was satiated and I haven't had one of those kinds of dreams since.

 

Yep, 21 is very young (I've got ailments older than you! ). Recovery from this relationship will be hard, but it's probably necessary. Do you live 2gether? If not, the simplest thing 2 do 2 help you get started on your life without her would be 2 change your cell phone number and cut off contact with her completely. She doesn't need 2 be told why - she knows.

 

best,

-ol' 2long

[Steadfast]

Don't let her take your power away. In a way she's doing you a huge favor. She's giving you an out. You see that she's struggling about someone else. She was finally honest about her feelings. She may not be being fully honest about her intentions but at least you have enough information to make decisions for YOU. Don't just hand that power back to her. Don't think you can help her through this. See her and listen to her. Kiss her on the forehead when you part and wish her luck.

 

This is solid advice. Very hard to take when you're in as deep as you are, but if you're smart, you'll follow it. You'll recapture a lot of your self-esteem and -frankly- shake her very foundation. Good for you, even better for her.

 

Like all 'hot' women, her looks give her power over men. Including you. But nothing builds a man's character more than mastering this control. If you can manage that you'll separate yourself from 90% of all men and join the elite 10%. Don't pretend to be genuine...BE genuine. Life is better.

 

Let her go. Deal with the heartache. LEARN from it. Don't lose yourself in any relationship. Ask only for what you're willing to give. No more, no less.

[nofool4u]

Also Ncogito, you didn't lose her.

 

To say that you lost something implies that something had value.

 

She has no value.

 

Like Frank on Everybody Loves Raymond when Marie said she was a "trophy wife", Frank says: "What contest in hell did I win".

 

You didn't lose anything, you won your life back.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Ncognito, I was in the same spot when I was your age.

 

High School sweethearts, she decides that she likes the attention from other guys, cheats, I am devastated, I lost 20 pounds because I couldn't eat for a week.

 

Went on for about another month STUPIDLY trying to get her back, knowing she was not to be trusted, but I was hurting.

 

Then finally the grief passed and anger took over, so I just stopped contacting her, even moved to a different place.

 

And what do you know, she calls me missing me, blah blah blah, wishing things would have been different and wanted to know if there was ever another chance for us.

 

I told her, "not a chance in hell". She goes on to get married, and her husband cheats on her while she is pregnant. Karma.

 

Point is, you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Your so-called GF will get hers in spades.

 

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and yes, I know how hard that is, been there, and start getting angry.

 

Get out and start dating around. Play the field(without hurting someone), and enjoy being young and single while you can. You will thank me for it.

Ahh....now I think I understand you better nofool4u. I kinda wish this had happened to me in my dating years...I would have been so much more prepared for when it happened 14 years into my marriage and 9 years into my daughter's life.

 

Hey man(OP) maybe you should be thankful. Grieve and work through the pain, I know it's probably unbearable and by far the worst experience of your entire life...but you'll get through it. And trust us, it could be so much worse, but you will have this experience, you will know what it's like and what to expect of others and yourself. Thank your ex GF and give her the boot! =D