I need serious about my husband's long-term affair

[sdonna]

I have posted before, but decided to add more details and start over. I hope you can help me. I need SERIOUS advice about cheating?

 

I've found emails of my husband's on and off affair with another woman, going back to 2008. I have NOT kNown the whole time.

 

Over 4 years, they had literally hundreds of SEX emails but also about kids, families, work, etc.. WE HAD BEEN MARRIED FOR 3 YEARS and our second child was months old when their affair started.

 

It took them over a year to have sex for the 1st time according to emails they didn't know I could read, happened once more, that was 2 years ago. Last year, AFTER NOT TALKING TO HER in 9 months, he offered to give her a job as his asst to see her every day, she said no.

 

A couple of months ago, they were back in touch. She's talking about how for her son, she does everything herself, and her husband gave him a bath for the 1st time when he was already almost 3.

 

Then my husband starts talking about how he coaches our sons' ball games, and how, if he could, he would "lOVE to be a stay-at-home dad for a year". This woman is a stay-at-home mom?!

 

HE WAS ALSO TRYING to meet her for sex again. HE backed out the next day. HE emailed her again 6 weeks later, saying he had gotten scared and wanted her to see her. SHE wrote back saying NO.

 

What was he trying to do talking about our kids, trying to show he's a good dad, EMAILED her pics of OUR kids?!! Is this even normal when they're supposedly only about sex and only HAD SEX TWICE in 4 years (they discussed that in emails they didn't kkow I could read). They USED to work together, NO LONGER do.

 

My question is, what does it mean that he was discussing these things with this other woman? DOES IT MEAN HE'S SERIOUS ABOUT HER?

 

(I KNOW there's more to consider, I DO care he's cheated, he does NOT know that I know since I'm sorting out our financial situation first.)

 

The question is: IS HE IN LOVE WITH HER according to the info I've given?

THEY HAD SEX TWO (2) TIMES in 4 YEARS, NOT 4 times.

 

(Btw, I'm not screaming, just trying to add emphasis to parts people seem to have a hard time understanding.)

Edited August 22, 2012 by sdonna
Added "advice" to title

[woinlove]

I have posted before, but decided to add more details and start over. I hope you can help me. I need SERIOUS advice about cheating?

 

I've found emails of my husband's on and off affair with another woman, going back to 2008. I have NOT kNown the whole time.

 

Over 4 years, they had literally hundreds of SEX emails but also about kids, families, work, etc.. WE HAD BEEN MARRIED FOR 3 YEARS and our second child was months old when their affair started.

 

It took them over a year to have sex for the 1st time according to emails they didn't know I could read, happened once more, that was 2 years ago. Last year, AFTER NOT TALKING TO HER in 9 months, he offered to give her a job as his asst to see her every day, she said no.

 

A couple of months ago, they were back in touch. She's talking about how for her son, she does everything herself, and her husband gave him a bath for the 1st time when he was already almost 3.

 

Then my husband starts talking about how he coaches our sons' ball games, and how, if he could, he would "lOVE to be a stay-at-home dad for a year". This woman is a stay-at-home mom?!

 

HE WAS ALSO TRYING to meet her for sex again. HE backed out the next day. HE emailed her again 6 weeks later, saying he had gotten scared and wanted her to see her. SHE wrote back saying NO.

 

What was he trying to do talking about our kids, trying to show he's a good dad, EMAILED her pics of OUR kids?!! Is this even normal when they're supposedly only about sex and only HAD SEX TWICE in 4 years (they discussed that in emails they didn't kkow I could read). They USED to work together, NO LONGER do.

 

My question is, what does it mean that he was discussing these things with this other woman? DOES IT MEAN HE'S SERIOUS ABOUT HER?

 

(I KNOW there's more to consider, I DO care he's cheated, he does NOT know that I know since I'm sorting out our financial situation first.)

 

The question is: IS HE IN LOVE WITH HER according to the info I've given?

THEY HAD SEX TWO (2) TIMES in 4 YEARS, NOT 4 times.

 

(Btw, I'm not screaming, just trying to add emphasis to parts people seem to have a hard time understanding.)

 

I don't know about your specific case and whether they are serious or not. But I can say talking about children in itself does not imply it is love, serious, they are planning a life together, etc. I have been the OW more than once and in all cases we discussed the MM's children. Even when I was single and had no interest in children. Seems strange. But part of being in an A is to make each other feel good. And for a MM with children having an A, being thought of as a good father is a key part of him feeling good about himself. After all, he can't exactly think of himself as a good husband (although that is often attempted too, by making it sound like he has to be a saint to put up with his W). The father thing is easy. MM goes on about how much he loves his children, all the things he does for them. OW usually has no way of knowing for sure what he does or doesn't do, but it is part of the affair dynamic to reinforce MM and gush about what a great father he is.

 

In itself, it doesn't mean anything other than ego-stroking. Now that I have children, I realize that bringing all that deception into your children's home is NOT being a good father. But I didn't know that then.

 

What it does mean for sure is that your H would like to be thought of as a good father. Hope he is one most of the time.

[icDude]

I know that my W and the MM she is seeing have exchanged pics of our kids and his kids. It does seem to be some sort of ego stroking. She has commented on what a good father he is and how helpful he is around the house. Basically to point to my faults. But again they are long distance and she has no way of knowing if this is actually true.

[Spark1111]

Sex twice in all that time? And yet they talk constantly about how wonderful they both are.

 

She has complained to him about how little her H does. That is his cue to tell her all he does do with his kids so that she admires him.

 

This sounds like a very entrenched EA (emotional affair) and what a lovely fantasy it must be for the both of them....sigh.

 

Yet, he is making overtures to be with her again physically and she keeps begging off.

 

She loves the ego-stroking as much as he does, but does not want to be physical again. That is how she justifies that "she isn't doing anything wrong because she does not want to have sex again."

 

Do you see how delusional this entire scenario is? Yet highly destructive to your marriage. What he is investing in her emotionally, and in secret, he should have been investing in you and your marriage.

 

People can become OBSSESSED with what they cannot have.

 

If they were to have it day in and day out, well then there goes the fantasy up in smoke.

 

You are smart to keep collecting evidence and acting as if all is okay. It sounds like they have dug their own graves.

 

What do you intend to do about it? What consequences will you impose when you finally confront him, her, and her H?

 

You need a plan.

 

Those of us who have been betrayed are here to help you.

 

Yes, the kid thing is just horrible, but it is a means to an end: One more avenue to heap praise upon each other while being blissfully ignorant that having a secret affair is about the worst thing you can do to your kids.

 

There lives are about to blow up all so these two could feel wonderful in each others emails.

[Spark1111]

Love? hardly.

 

He is in love with the fantasy of her.

 

Only 3 out of 100 affairs can be categorized as exit affairs, meaning the couple take serious ACTION to end their marriages to be with each other.

 

The marriage is already long dead. They usually live a long andhappy life together.

 

The other 95% tend to crash and burn when exposed to the light of public opinion.

 

What do you want?

 

Your H may very well be in LUST with his ideal fantasy woman. He hopes, if she were in closer proximity she would relent and have sex with him and they would both continue to feel wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

[BetrayedH]

Love? hardly.

 

He is in love with the fantasy of her.

 

Only 3 out of 100 affairs can be categorized as exit affairs, meaning the couple take serious ACTION to end their marriages to be with each other.

 

The marriage is already long dead. They usually live a long andhappy life together.

 

The other 95% tend to crash and burn when exposed to the light of public opinion.

 

What do you want?

 

Your H may very well be in LUST with his ideal fantasy woman. He hopes, if she were in closer proximity she would relent and have sex with him and they would both continue to feel wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

 

I'm going to guess that math wasn't your strong subject.

 

Joking aside, Spark is right. This affair bubble will burst once it is exposed. Your H has a dud of an OW and I hope you make him pay dearly for it. I think he is doing the minimum necessary to get back into her pants.

 

How are YOU holding up?

[sdonna]

Thanks for the answers. How am I holding up? Denial, avoiding him, crying and hiding, figuring this out in my head until its time to act.

 

One thing that stood out to me is that HE backed out of sex with her. Then went back to her 6 weeks later saying he "got scared". I know from his work laptop (he works from home a couple of times a week) that this was when he found out through a co-workers email that she had gotten a job after years of staying home! (She did not email him, it was a forward from what looked like a group email). He went back to her right away, that same day, saying he wanted to meet the very next day and APOLOGIZING!

 

I can't remember if I mentioned that he got one of his employees to offer her a position as his assistant last year. She said no. What my gut is telling me is that he was afraid of losing her.

 

But the thing is that I've discovered that there have been multiple women. Online dirty talk, short affairs, even apparent one night stands I could kind of make out from FB messages! But with this one, it's been four years. And he is always trying to show her he's faithful to me, conflicted about the affair, has mentioned how "lucky" her husband is (because of how she is in bed), etc.

 

He acts conflicted with her, and has supposedly meaningless sex with other women. I just have a bad feeling about the whole thing, I had always suspected his cheating, but seeing all the proof in front of me is mind blogging. But my feeling about her is worse than anything, because I keep thinking he's serious, and I am now plan B.

 

Am I just in shock? Or is my gut trying to tell me something? There is so much more about their affair I haven't mentioned, even.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for the answers. How am I holding up? Denial, avoiding him, crying and hiding, figuring this out in my head until its time to act.

 

One thing that stood out to me is that HE backed out of sex with her. Then went back to her 6 weeks later saying he "got scared". I know from his work laptop (he works from home a couple of times a week) that this was when he found out through a co-workers email that she had gotten a job after years of staying home! (She did not email him, it was a forward from what looked like a group email). He went back to her right away, that same day, saying he wanted to meet the very next day and APOLOGIZING!

 

I can't remember if I mentioned that he got one of his employees to offer her a position as his assistant last year. She said no. What my gut is telling me is that he was afraid of losing her.

 

But the thing is that I've discovered that there have been multiple women. Online dirty talk, short affairs, even apparent one night stands I could kind of make out from FB messages! But with this one, it's been four years. And he is always trying to show her he's faithful to me, conflicted about the affair, has mentioned how "lucky" her husband is (because of how she is in bed), etc.

 

He acts conflicted with her, and has supposedly meaningless sex with other women. I just have a bad feeling about the whole thing, I had always suspected his cheating, but seeing all the proof in front of me is mind blogging. But my feeling about her is worse than anything, because I keep thinking he's serious, and I am now plan B.

 

Am I just in shock? Or is my gut trying to tell me something? There is so much more about their affair I haven't mentioned, even.

 

My goodness. I can't imagine trying to reconcile with a serial cheater. If I may ask, what the hell are you still doing there? I'm not judging. I tried to reconcile with my WW but geas, your H seems to have no respect for you whatsoever. Imagine what you haven't found.

 

What are you going to do? Sounds like you still need a plan. So far you have done really well at being smart. You've been making decisions with your head. Keep that up. Now that you know (be sure you have all the printed evidence you may ever need), what's next?

[Spark1111]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

Yes, you are in shock but you are one smart cookie to be able to gather evidence and act like all is okay.

 

Do you have a support system? Someone you really trust to talk to? Maybe a counseller?

 

Obviously, your H still may love you...he just does not respect you as evidenced by his philandering.

 

I think it is time to make copies of all your evidence....and I mean all of it...and store it in a safe place.

 

I think it is time to plan a dday, where you expose his affair to him, the OW and her husband.

 

I think you need to tell or send his OW the evidence you have of all his extracurricular activities.

 

When you get out of shock, it will be time to get good and angry and present consequences for these actions of his.

 

Do you love him? Do you want to make it work if he changes?

[Furious]

Thanks for the answers. How am I holding up? Denial, avoiding him, crying and hiding, figuring this out in my head until its time to act.

 

One thing that stood out to me is that HE backed out of sex with her. Then went back to her 6 weeks later saying he "got scared". I know from his work laptop (he works from home a couple of times a week) that this was when he found out through a co-workers email that she had gotten a job after years of staying home! (She did not email him, it was a forward from what looked like a group email). He went back to her right away, that same day, saying he wanted to meet the very next day and APOLOGIZING!

 

I can't remember if I mentioned that he got one of his employees to offer her a position as his assistant last year. She said no. What my gut is telling me is that he was afraid of losing her.

 

 

But the thing is that I've discovered that there have been multiple women. Online dirty talk, short affairs, even apparent one night stands I could kind of make out from FB messages! But with this one, it's been four years. And he is always trying to show her he's faithful to me, conflicted about the affair, has mentioned how "lucky" her husband is (because of how she is in bed), etc.

 

He acts conflicted with her, and has supposedly meaningless sex with other women. I just have a bad feeling about the whole thing, I had always

suspected his cheating, but seeing all the proof in front of me is mind

blogging. But my feeling about her is worse than anything, because I keep thinking he's serious, and I am now plan B.

 

Am I just in shock? Or is my gut trying to tell me something? There is so much more about their affair I haven't mentioned, even.

 

 

It's seems as if you're focusing more on the woman he's been in contact with for the last four years, rather than the multiple times he has cheated with multiple women.

 

He is a serial cheater, the woman he's been on and off with these last four years has basically shut him down and you seem overly concerned he is in love with her. THE ONLY PERSON HE IS IN LOVE WITH IS HIMSELF...this women, and the many others, only presents a challenge and he enjoys the chase.

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain and anxiety over this.

 

You've done well by finding out their correspondence and managing to hold this information close to you're chest.

 

I hope you've seen a divorce lawyer and obtained information as to your rights and have hopefully put your ducks in order. Regardless as to eventually filing for divorce or not, you must protect yourself and be informed.

 

I would advise you to make multiple copies of your evidence and keep them in a safe place. ALSO.....When you do eventually confront your husband....DO NOT TELL HIM HOW YOU GOT YOUR INFORMATION..KEEP YOUR SOURCES CONFIDENTIAL AS YOUR TRUMP CARD IF HE CONTINUES TO LIE TO YOU.

 

BE SMART AND KEEP STRONG

[burningashes]

I agree with the other posters. You should consider getting a divorce lawyer, he can also help you get your ducks in a row so to speak. Do this before dday. Also, get tested for STDs if you haven't already done that.

 

Whatever you do, do not leave the house after dday. If someone has to leave the residence- it's him. It would be nice to have a recorder on you when you talk to him, you can check back on your conversations as evidence that he did lie to you. Make no mistake, he will lie to you after dday as an attempt to justify, or to cover up the affair(s)- after all, he cheated on you with multiple women. You should be prepared for that as well, as one duck amongst the row of ducks.

 

Be prepared for D Day and the aftermath whether it leads to divorce or not. In the mean time, look after yourself too. Seek help if you need to, like a counselor to help you process the intense emotions you must be feeling right now. Be well and healthy, it'll help you stay sharp. Hang in there!