How to re-ignite if I'm invisible?

[BlueEyes2012]

INVISIBLE???

How can I show I'm again super-desirable if I'm invisible??

please take for granted that this IS my goal-- my question is how to accomplish it.

 

Please please advise me.

 

my (now) ex-boyfriend and I lived together for 3 years, but we didn't have ANY activities in common.

we're both grad students at different local schools and lived like hermits while we were working on our dissertations.

we have no friends in common at all. not even one.

 

we both got *fat* and lazy about our relationship,

and it spiraled into us being critical of each other all the time.

it killed our fantastic sexual chemistry.

 

but i still feel this incredible pull to him, and think he feels it too.

Even after months of not seeing each other,

he declined an invitation to an important event saying that things felt too fresh.

i'm the only live-in girlfriend (or long term one) he's ever had, btw.

we have a dog together living with him who i miss like crazy

 

the material I've seen about re-igniting attraction

says that your best bet is to demonstrate that you're (again) the person the guy was attracted to.

that makes sense.

i've dropped 40 pounds, and look and feel like i did when we first got together.

 

BUT how will he ever know?? We have no one in common.

We're both not on facebook or any social networking sites.

No people in common. Nothing! I moved back with my sister--

so I'm not even shopping at our same grocery store.

there isn't anywhere i'll bump into him.

 

I've been doing no-contact... and he has, too, based on the same advice we read at the same time

so

(1) it's a standoff on the no-contact front, and

(2) he can't see that i look crazy hot again.

 

our sex used to be so crazy hot-- but when we both gained weight, he stopped being interested.

since we broke up, i lost the weight and look hot again.

 

Everything I've read takes for granted that

(1) the ex-es will have ways to SEE the other person so they can desire them again, and

(2) only one person will be deliberately, consciously using "no contact".

 

What do I do?

How do I re-ignite his interest and break this old bad pattern we'd gotten into???

[TaraMaiden]

Go to his front door, knock and when he answers, say - "Look at me! Now - let's take care of you, hot stuff!"

 

Go in, shut the door and.....

*Let's OP's imagination kick in*

[BlueEyes2012]

thanks for maybe the first good laugh I've had about this in weeks!!

I really needed that.

 

i've definitely thought about doing that...

having him see me and drool a small puddle on the floor....

and i think he would...

 

BUT with that whole no contact thing....

everything I've seen seems to say that if I show up,

that counts as ME pursuing HIM-- and men hate that.

 

when things got cold between us, I definitely over-compensated by being way too nice-- and it totally soured him on me. The nicer I was, the less interested he got.

 

honestly... he's definitely the type who wants to chase (and his wiring wouldn't deal well with feeling chased)....

[Frank13]

Do you have something of his? You could go to his house and just tell him you are returning it and then leave. Then he gets to see you and it doesn't look like you are chasing him.

[BlueEyes2012]

i still have 3 boxes at his place as well as a few random items and a cupboard full of food (canned and dry goods)... and I've thought about asking to come get it-- BUT here's the thing (and I'm sorry-- I'm not trying to be difficult!) He has read ALL the same stuff I've read about relationship stuff-- and he KNOWS the 'coming back to pick up/ drop off ....whatever" thing.

 

it's tough... I need to figure out a way to cross paths

1) where it looks like I had nothing to do with it

2) that isn't a thing he's heard about people doing (like picking up my old stuff)

3) that IDEALLY he somehow initiates or feels like wasn't my idea/ design at all.

 

HE, by the way, studied game theory and military strategy-- so ....yeah. this is hard.

 

The good news:

he hasn't asked for his key back.

he hasn't asked me to pick up my stuff

he didn't try to move any of my things/ get my stuff out of the closet (and we had ZERO closet space-- so that was really choice real-estate he was passing up).

 

so i'm hoping that's good news-- but I can't argue that he hasn't tried to contact me for months...

[BlueEyes2012]

i do appreciate it!! it's that he's such a strategist-guy that i'm SO worried about how I approach this.

[Lisa_Lisa]

How long have you two been broken up?

[BlueEyes2012]

May: I got angry that he waited until the night before our 3 year anniversary and didn't say a word to me about making plans. I left and went to my sister's place. he said it wasn't fair-- he had lots of stuff planned. i said that if he didn't say a word-- there was no "plan". he feels wronged by that. A few weeks beforehand he said that his feelings toward me had changed and he hadn't been happy for a while.

 

I know what he's talking about-- we'd both been in this spiral of depression. Both procrastinating about our work. Both being critical of each other. We'd both gained weight. Neither of us felt very attractive/ attracted sexually, I think. I think we both felt that in the other person's eyes we could do nothing right. For a bunch of reasons related to other stuff, we were both stressed on top of things.

 

After I left for my sister's, he contacted me several times. We ended up going out on several dates. All nice ones he planned and, (not that it matters, but it was a change for him) he dropped a lot of cash on the dates-- but we never got a chance to 'talk'. It was like he was trying really hard to avoid it.

 

late May: He left town for the month to "find himself" on a trip to oxaca. I took care of our dog. Right before he left we made several abortive attempts to 'talk'-- but he'd be a no-show when I'd get to his place, or he'd be asleep from working all night, or he'd just ignore me when I got there and watch sports and say "i'm sorry-- i just can't do this now."

 

Since May I dropped a lot of weight, feel hot/ sexy again, and I *get* what was going wrong for us.

 

I want to re-ignite things ( I want him to SEE me and remember that he couldn't stand to see me in clothes!!) but I don't want him to feel pressured or trapped or PURSUED. That was a total C*CK-blocker for him. He's a big macho guy. He hates women pursuing-- but loves chasing.

 

PLEASE give me some advice. He's SUCH a tough nut to crack because he's "been there, done that" and feels like he's seen EVERYTHING under the sun regarding how women try to manipulate men. This isn't from ME-- it's just from having 4 brothers himself!!

[jdids247]

This might be a bad suggestion, but do you still have his number or remember it?

 

Text him to deliver your stuff to your place and send him a racy photo like 'Bring my things back and you'll get to see more' or something cheesy like that.

 

It's always worth a try if you believe that sexual tension was great in the beginning. I'd give anything to get some of that back from my ex right now. That's probably one of the biggest things I miss right now from her!

[ThatJustHappened]

Was there ever an actual break up, or did contact just drop off after his trip?

 

I say swallow your pride and ask him to get a cup of coffee with you. One cup of coffee isn't you 'pursuing' him..it's just coffee. Though maybe you should make it decaf..you both need to relax a little bit!

[BlueEyes2012]

hmm..

i do have his number, but we've both been on no-contact.

 

....the racy text certainly does accomplish part of what I want, but wouldn't that look desperate after we've broken up (he dumped me)?

 

you're so right to key in on the visual aspect, though... that's so huge for him (*and* we haven't seen each other since MAY *and* now I look radically better than I did then. We both let ourselves go in a big way when work stuff got crazy).

 

i DO want to re-ignite what we had before--and think it would work if I could get my foot in the door-- ie get him to SEE me, but I need some super-sneaky (or perfectly open) way for him to see me without me coming off as pursuing him. That's why this is SO HARD and I'm totally stumped!

Neither of us is on facebook-- and no friends or places in common.

 

because i was the one who did most of the work to make things better when stuff went downhill, i think it came across as me being way too nice (so too available) and dormat-y. And that's the gal guys least want to pursue, right?

[jdids247]

I can't speak for this guy as I'm not your typical guy.

 

I don't think you'll look desperate. Just make the caption of the text something like "You're missing out on the new me". Make him guess what the rest of you looks like....you know? That would fricken kill me.

 

Another thing...how long has NC been in effect and how long were you two together? This sounds like something I'd absolutely want my ex to do...you could test this out on me first just to make sure it works, ok?

[BlueEyes2012]

but wait a second... he dumped ME. I think the dynamics might be opposite what you're suggesting.

maybe/ maybe not?

 

Imagine if your ex-girlfriend (who you DO want back) sent you that hot text, you're saying you'd love it-- but that's because you ARE pursuing her already/ want her back, no? I don't know your situation, of course, but i want to be sure that I'm getting things straight. My situation seems the reverse.

 

If you imagine getting that text from a different woman who *YOU* dumped (because YOU did NOT want to be together).. and *that* woman sent you that text, you probably wouldn't love it, right?

 

***Or*** are you saying that it wouldn't matter because hot is hot?

 

I DO need to be VISIBLE to him-- now that I'm again the hot gal he originally fell for-- but I need to be VERY CAREFUL to not let it look like I'm chasing him.

 

Maybe I'm asking the impossible: How do I craft a way to be visible to my ex WITHOUT it looking like I had anything to do with it??

[BlueEyes2012]

we were together for 3+ years and lived together for the last year+ of it.

i'm the only live in girlfriend he's had, and the longest relationship (by almost 3 years)

 

we've been *strictly* NC since the second week of August.

I invited him to something and he said he couldn't-- things still felt too fresh...

[BlueEyes2012]

Maybe it's one that **every** dumped person wants the answer to... !!!

[jdids247]

I think you're in a tough situation because you both don't have any mutual friends or interests in common. I would say you should figure out where he's going to be and flaunt your stuff.

 

Even if he broke up with you, show him you're a new woman and that the breakup hasn't had any negative effects on you (even if it did, don't show it).

 

I'm in the same boat as you. Broke up in Feb from a 6 yr relationsip, 1 yr engaged, 2 1/2 yrs living together, LC for a couple months becasue we had situations to work out and NC since then, I lost 35 lbs, saw her two months ago but didn't talk to her but friends say she was eyeballing me up hard. Make him regret his decision.

 

Another question is, are you just lusting for him or was the relationship great enough to try and rekindle? I know after the breakup I was forgetting all of the cold and selfish things she did to me while we were together, and it made me feel like I lost someone who was one in a million where that wasn't the case at all...I was just lusting for her and was forgetting about all of the immaturity and bad behavior. So be careful what you wish for here

Edited August 23, 2012 by jdids247

[BlueEyes2012]

...without it SEEMING contrived??? THAT is the question! Surely people know how to do this....??? I definitely don't.

 

thanks for your reply, Jdids247-- it sounds like you had that rare and ***wonderful*** "made my ex regret the breakup" story-- and you came out of it feeling better on a bunch of different levels.... yes.... i think I'd really like something similar...

 

you're right-- i should be careful for what i wish for-- and part of me missing my ex definitely is about the lusting-- the intense sexual chemistry-- and part of it is definitely a certain temporary amnesia regarding all the crap he did pull. He definitely did do some bad stuff...

 

i always wrote it off as simply a guy doing his best when he'd never had more than a 6-month relationship (and I'd put that in air quotes, even) before he met me (and we were together for 3+ years). so when he'd screw up, i just figured it was part of a relationship/ dating learning curve.

 

i certainly made my share of mistakes too, but don't have that excuse, I'm afraid.

 

honestly-- there is something that pulls me toward him in a way I've never felt with another person. I just can't shake it...

 

So... my question is HOW I can manufacture SOME opportunity for him to SEE ME, looking AWESOME, TENS of pounds lighter (like when we first met), and happily unburdened by all the unrelated crap-storm that life had been throwing at me for months before we broke up??

 

-It can't look like I made up a lame excuse to see him, or

-or that I'm stalking him (--definitely have not! I haven't been within 20 miles of him since the breakup-- and neither of us is on social media-- so I'm not doing that thing either),

 

we're both bookworms-- so there's no pub or hangout to visit, and we have ZERO people in common (because we've been working like crazy for the whole time we've been together in grad school).

 

THAT IS THE CHALLENGE!

....wow. I have zero idea how to pull that off.

 

Still, I'm SURE that if he saw me again (like my old self), that would be enough. He used to not be able to keep his hands off of me-- it was ridiculous!! (and wonderful!)

 

I'm OPEN TO IDEAS! Please help!

Edited August 24, 2012 by BlueEyes2012

[BlueEyes2012]

I thought SURELY there would be people who've DONE this-- and done it well.

 

How do you ("ACCIDENTALLY") have your EX run across YOU??

 

I KNOW people do this!! ... I think. .... right???

C'mon?! Someone-- please reveal the secret methods!!

[8mia8]

Stop trying to play games. If you are over him and want a second chance, just contact him and meet.

[angelofdarkness]

There's only one way to get him to see your hot bod, you have to stand in front of him and show him.

 

Life is too short to play games. If you want him, call him, tell him you want to see him and talk it out. If he rejects you - let it go. And move on.

 

If he still doesn't want you there's no amount of manipulation, accidental run-in's, or anything you can do to make the universe turn in your favor.

 

You win some, you lose some.

[BlueEyes2012]

sigh..........

 

 

well, thanks to those who tried to help.