jdwis Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) Hi all Need your help please. My relationship is broken now after 4 years and don’t know what to do. Being man it is difficult to cry but the tears do come out at the end when no one is around. I feel weak, sad, stupid, upset and don’t know what else to write. Our relationship ended in an unsaid way, not like if I or she broke it with the words saying “things are not working out”. But I do remember me saying her last that we will meet when the time comes. So I guess its me then. But when I said the situation was tense and was in such a way that with solid thoughts I had to say it before leaving her house. I am 42 & divorced with no kids and she is divorced with 2 kids and a disable mom. I know it is quite difficult to cope with things when u are single and have to look after the kids and mother. I met her when I was just coming out of the devastating stage of my divorce. She made me aware of that she cannot have any kids and we took it as lets see where it would go. We had some great time together including excellent physical intimacy. She is a great outgoing person always want to be out and about. Describing her, she is well settled with kids and mother and money coming in and a quite secure job with not much of future financial burden. Whereas me, travelled from a diff country, got into marriage, no kids, no house, an ok job and wanting to have a family life having my own kids, who would call me “dad” and not “uncle” like how I am being called by her kids. The only good things between us was a good intimate relationship apart from that she goes north and I chose south, our thoughts don’t match much. After meeting her and a year of steady relationship as such I lost my job due to recession and I was down, this was second thing happened in my life first being divorce. Though I would have cope with the situation as like in the divorce but then she was there to stand by me. Having no job and lots of time she invited me to her house and I then started going to her house may be twice a week, the kids & her mother started liking me. One day the boy talked out loud quite a few things including “I am the only man surrounded by women in this house, there is no other man” and felt that he is missing a manly hood in the house. I then decided to go there gradually to almost every other day. Spending time with the kids was fun and as I always wanted kids of my own, her kids I took it as my own and filling the missing place of a father. It was not like I never stood by her, whenever she needed me I was always there. I have technical knowledge of many things and it helped her in her daily life in all these 4 years, saving money and stress if she would have been alone. She does have some physical problems and whenever she was in pain she can’t do anything, couldn’t even cook, at those times I used to cook for the whole family & everybody used to like it as well, this was just after the first year of knowing her. In cold weather she was in pain every other day and so me on the cooking. I did all that because she was my friend and I loved her. With the kids, the older boy I used to play football thought I don’t really like football, I played just to keep the boy happy, maybe a father would have done the same. When spending time with them I was always counted as “a family friend” and “mom’s best friend” and “uncle”, which at times used to hurt quite a lot. When all together I used to make everybody laugh telling stories of what I did when I was quite young. Many times whenever she loses her temper because of her mother I always used to calm her down and bring the whole family back to happy stage. As I said she is quite well to do, she then got people cooking for her on weekdays and still then I used to cook on the weekends, verities of things for the family. I literally felt that am I the cook for the house as even kids started asking me “uncle what are you making for us”, this was the resemblance for the other cook who used to cook in weekdays. In these 4 years’ time I never forgot the kids and her birthday but when they went on holiday they forgot mine, it hurt me quite a lot. One day the little girl went on the school trip and she bought everybody some good gifts and she forgot to bring anything for me so she offered me a “toothbrush” as a gift. It hurt again. When I was on holiday to other country I bought them so many gifts more than a father would have brought. I thought is it only me who needs them or they need me as well, or is it they need me just because I make them laugh, cook for them; help her in her regular things including daily chores. Then the there was another one, the girl goes to another trip and draws a picture of her family as on (2012) where she draws herself, brother and mother, of course I was not there because I am not legally in the family even when I was spending nearly 8 – 9 hours there almost every day, today I thought “for what”? Now these 4 years they are at stage where most of the things in life are achieved and very less is required. Seeing such thing in such a modern world, where do I stand for that family, use it and throw it? Forgot to mention things about money, whenever if I bought anything for their house or the kids she would pay me the money back, even if it was just a couple of quid, sometimes I didn’t take it though but that attitude did hurt me all the time. She even offered me some on our first sex after the meeting; I did not take it, just laughed at her and took it easy. I should have realised this then. Another one was, whenever she is down and she starts talking about things, I would listen to her nicely, quietly and respond her with some good talk. But the reverse is not true, whenever I am upset due to anything outside our circle, and if I talk about things (of course not hers), and obviously it is bad, she would tell me straight why does she have to listen to it, is that person listening who did this to you, at that time I was feeling like I always listen to you on such things I never said that and when I am upset and if I am just talking out about few things why can’t you listen and try to calm me down, so it always remained one way traffic. As spending lots of time together I wanted sometime for myself and as living alone I needed to take care of my house as well and looking for a job in my field I needed to study as well, so I asked her if she could not disturb me for “few days on weekdays as I need to study”, I had some time off as I do part time job. She then just stopped calling me on weekdays apart from some emergencies; she took it in a bad way. Finally the day came where she said in an argument that she would not call me in the morning (Sat/Sun), though she already stopped calling me on weekdays. So being in her house, thinking about what’s just happened and in a very thoughtful way and calmly I then said “ok then will see you when we can” and I left. Then she goes on holiday with her family, which she did ask me a month ago if I could come, and I did book holidays from work and she knew that. Since then not much of interventions until yesterday when she texted me from her holiday that she would drop my house keys on her return. This thing has just put me down completely and felt emptiness in my body. The details I have put here is just 10 or 20% of the points there are more but can’t put everything here. The things were already started deteriorating since a year, she keeping herself busy in other things etc. She being mother of 2 she has got support whenever she is down, the kids and her mother is there. But for a person like me who has no one around and no family in this country, to handle this one is quite painful; I just don’t have the words how to describe it, still just wondering have I done anything wrong or what should I do now? Thanks for listening, really appreciated. Edited August 22, 2012 by jdwis few errors
Rita86 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Maybe try posting your story in the dating section. You may have more luck there. Also add paragraphs cause it looks like a bloc of text. Sorry can't help much as I didn't read it all...
Mint Sauce Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 jdwis, I may still be too young to fully relate to your situation, but the impression I got is that she was never really open to a full relationship. She seemed quite set on keeping her independence, e.g. not wanting to have any debt towards you. Perhaps she is still too hurt from her previous relationship. It's a pity because you seem like a good guy, the kind of guy who deserves a fully committed mutual relationship. So I wouldn't say that you broke off the relationship, when she never really stepped into it. I don't know what you should do, but in any case keep faith that you're a good guy and deserve total appreciation of who you are, what you do for her and the family. Perhaps you should let go of this...
Recommended Posts