MartinH Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 We are broke up now 3 and a half months and NC for the last 6 weeks. This is the letter I may send * I didn’t really know what to write when I first set out to do this letter but here it goes. Well for starters I’m typing this because my handwriting is terrible as you might remember. It seems dramatic and self-indulgent to want to say things so long after all that went on with us both — I should have just been an adult and got over it, I mean, isn’t that what being an adult is all about, the ability to recognize when something is over and accept that you can’t change it? I still think almost every day about us and the words I didn’t say, the bad things i did say, ways in which I hurt you, things that I’ve changed that I wish you could see. how im different now after looking back at the situation and realised that we actually did have it pretty good but still and all i managed to screw things up with my childishness and stupidness. * I wish you could see me now. I know it sounds silly, but I wish you could look at the progress I’ve made in my life and the adult that I’m becoming, i* wasn’t going to get any better after we split up until we had a total break with no contact what so ever. I feel like I was so much younger when we broke up, even though it wasn’t that long ago and i wasn’t exactly young either when we met. When I look back at the words I allowed myself to say to you, and the mistakes that I thought were more than okay to be making, I feel overwhelmed with embarrassment and regret. How could I have let you — someone who knew me well enough to love me, call me the pet names that where only between us, kiss me and hold my hand on the luas— see me in such an immature, hurtful state? I just want to go back and wipe those ugly moments from your memory. I want you to see me only as I should have been treating you, with compassion and respect. Though I know I am not that person anymore, that the anger and frustration and desire to lash out have drained from my body like some kind of open wound. You must still be walking around thinking you broke up with a crazy person, someone unable to show any emotion when cornered other than spite. I want to say I’m sorry. * “Sorry” is a hard word to say, though, and not really because you don’t want to admit you’re wrong. It just often feels… insufficient. It feels like I’m trying to make excuses for something, or that I’m trying to brush everything under the carpet with an overused word — I’m not. I am sorry. I am sorry that I allowed myself to drag the end of our relationship out so much farther than it should have gone. There are only so many fights, so many words we don’t really mean hurled at each at home together or over the phone before we both have to look in the mirror and say, “Okay, this isn’t working.” * I know I was being an idiot when I thought you didn’t love me enough, or i thought you weren’t affectionate enough, Since then, though, I’ve figured out that running around in circles trying to change people isn’t going to help anyone, and that the only person I can actually change is myself. I want you to know that I don’t hate you, I still care about you, I hated the person I was with you. I was addicted to the feeling of being mad at someone, of fighting and being hurtful. And for what? Just to feel miserable for days and weeks later. you always said id be the cause of us ending and you were right. * I just want you now to be happy Leeann, whereas before i wanted to be with you and nothing else and that was me just being selfish so when I say that I want you to be happy, I mean it. We’re used to thinking that no one can just move on from a lost love and genuinely want the other person to find happiness somewhere else in life, but now as time has gone on I do. It’s taken a while, but I’ve finally realized that we were simply not right for each other — and that no amount of fighting and then tearfully telling each other how much we loved each other was going to erase those fundamental differences. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good about who you are, with who you can be utterly yourself and not worry that your mere existence is going to step on their toes. When it’s right, it’s right, and after spending so long trying to fit a jagged piece into the puzzle with me, you should be able to just feel the ease of a good match. * I do think about you all the time, though. I think about what you’re doing, who you’ve become without me there annoying and upsetting you, what parts of your personality have risen to the top or almost faded away now that I am no longer a daily interference on your life. I guess it’s kind of selfish to centre so many of my questions about you around our relationship, but you have to understand that I only knew you in one context — and I want to know you outside of it. I want to see you as a happy person who has gotten out of the toxic relationship we had together and learned how to be happy and full now. I am no longer tricking myself into thinking that we should have made it work, and the mourning period of your loss has passed now i feel. It’s more now a quiet sadness about the love that has disappeared from my life. We knew each other so well, and meant so much to each other, and now we don’t speak at all. It’s as though all of those moments we lived together have just evaporated behind us, and that seems such a shame. I don’t want you back, but I want to be able to talk to you — does that make me weird? * Maybe if you’re free one day, we could get a coffee. We could sit and talk about things, fun things though, how we are both getting on now. It would be nice to feel that all of that love wasn’t meant to just be destroyed by the window of ugliness we experienced towards the end or maybe well before that. There were still good things to take out of our love, so much that I learned. I hope that you can look back and see things about us that make you smile, that remind you how much fun it could be, even if we weren’t soul mates. We were so comfortable around each other and told each other everything, even early on we wanted to spend our lives together. I hope you understand that I will always care for you, in the way one might an old friend you’ve lost touch with but still long to laugh with every so often. And I hope you’re well. I hope you’re living life the way you wanted to, and have gained enough perspective to know, as I know, that something doesn’t have to last forever to have value. i hope to hear from you,you were very special to me. take care and hopefully you will be in touch. *
Emilia Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Agree with previous posters. After 6 weeks of NC it's best just to drop it and move on
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