How to get used to 'being you' again?

[Charlotted29]

I seem to be struggling more then most, as it has been 6 months and I still have that heavy ache in my stomach... like something is just not quite right.

In my head, I know he was not right for me longterm but that doesn't stop me missing him, and wishing we still had what we had. Fact is... he has moved on, he has found someone else. 7 years of friendship/relationship gone, and I somehow need to get used to it just being me again.

 

Nothing feels right you know? working, seeing friends, hobbies, I just don't enjoy them anymore. I haven't got that buzz about living for me anymore, that I used to have when he was by my side.

 

How on earth do you get used to something like that? I just don't feel like i'm ever going to find a sense of peace or happiness, drive about it just being me again.

 

Does anyone have any tips? Have you been through something similar?

[Hobbit]

If you can I'd recommend seeing a councilor, you dont want this to spiral into depression

 

I went through a similar thing and seeing someone really helped

[MyHeartTakesOver]

Yes. You are used to him being around as a psychological prop and when that prop isn't there anymore, adjusting is very, very hard, especially after seven years. This is why in break ups you experience the same emotions as death.

 

I would suggest that you stop focusing on what's "wrong with you" ie: not feeling yourself. Accept that, for now, these are your feelings; don't fight them but know that feelings change and you will slowly come back to your senses. Like any wound, healing doesn't happen overnight unless you have one of those "a-ha" moments when everything falls into place.

 

Doing things for yourself is always a good thing too. Take a weekend to indulge yourself in all your favourite things that you haven't had for a while or get out there and do something radically different. I had a friend who once said that a bungee jump did more to help her get over he ex than all the talk combined.

[Charlotted29]

Hobbit-Thank you for your reply, but I am already seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist for the depression. It always seems to rear it's ugly head when something like this happens. Even so, i'm very scared and worried it won't go away.

 

My heart takes over - Thank you, I am definitely used to having him as a 'psychological prop' for sure, couldn't have put it better myself.

I think I am trying to fight the sadness and my emotions, which is mayb where I am going wrong. My brain is trying to rid these feelings and say 'come on snap out of it, it's been 6 months time to be happy again now' when all my heart want's to do is heal.

I will take on board your suggestion for accepting the feelings, and not fighting or pushing them away. Just let the low mood and missing take it's course? I guess I don't want him taking away my enjoyment for my present life, which is why i'm fighting.

[MyHeartTakesOver]

My heart takes over - Thank you, I am definitely used to having him as a 'psychological prop' for sure, couldn't have put it better myself.

I think I am trying to fight the sadness and my emotions, which is mayb where I am going wrong. My brain is trying to rid these feelings and say 'come on snap out of it, it's been 6 months time to be happy again now' when all my heart want's to do is heal.

I will take on board your suggestion for accepting the feelings, and not fighting or pushing them away. Just let the low mood and missing take it's course? I guess I don't want him taking away my enjoyment for my present life, which is why i'm fighting.

 

Aww baby, I feel your pain. Try not to personify it. He's not taking away your enjoyment anymore (he's gone), instead you have experienced an event and you're still adjusting to that and rebuilding. Try to see it in a detatched way. Among all the good things that come in life there are necessary evils and break ups are one of them. We experience them and we move on (and, if we're smart, we learn).

 

Don't wallow in your lowness but do accept it. To do otherwise is like holding back a tidal wave. Tell yourself "I'm feeling low right now. This is why I'm feeling low. This is temporary".

 

You'll start feeling yourself again when you stop waiting for it to happen.

Edited August 22, 2012 by MyHeartTakesOver

[Charlotted29]

Great advice thank you! It's almost a relief to hear someone say 'it's okay to be hurting still' I may be hurting and feeling low for a while, but there is a good reason and i'm adjusting.

No more fighting for me, just accepting it. I think you're so right, I am actually waiting for the moment i'll be happy again. Truth is, that time will come when I haven't even realised.

[Elephant in the Room]

1 I still have that heavy ache in my stomach... like something is just not quite right.

 

Nothing feels right you know? working, seeing friends, hobbies, I just don't enjoy them anymore. I haven't got that buzz about living for me anymore, that I used to have when he was by my side.

 

How on earth do you get used to something like that? I just don't feel like i'm ever going to find a sense of peace or happiness, drive about it just being me again.

 

The parts I've quoted above I feel I can relate too a lot, you're not alone in having such feelings. It's only been about a month for me, but I can tell I'll likely be feeling this way for a while unfortunately... I too was with my ex for quite a while.

 

I don't know how else to explain it other than apathy taking over, or that I am doing the hobbies as a means to distract myself rather than to enjoy them and then it doesn't fully distract me anyways.

 

It is very frustrating though. I know I have my own identity and I don't need anyone else to define me, yet I can't help but feeling quite numb to the world. I miss having my partner to share the world with.

 

I'm still having a hard time finding joy again myself but there are temporary periods when I feel better. I've tried getting myself into shape - exercising more. It's a way to physically improve myself and it also helps keep me focused on a goal. It may only be an hour or two per day but it helps and I do find myself looking forward to such sessions.

 

I've also tried writing - just having myself create a new world can help put my mind outside of this and remember, hey, I have some cool ideas people can enjoy. I've been writing some short stories which I then share with friends. Unfortunately I've hit a bit of a block and back to square one in feeling meh, but hey give it a try you may find yourself inspired. In related news, NaNoWriMo is coming up and it may be a good way to occupy yourself - basically in the month of November you work at a goal of writing a whole 50,000 word novel.

 

Hope you feel better and find your way again, just remember you're not alone in the struggle, and we will make it through. =]

[YorickBrown]

I seem to be struggling more then most, as it has been 6 months and I still have that heavy ache in my stomach... like something is just not quite right.

In my head, I know he was not right for me longterm but that doesn't stop me missing him, and wishing we still had what we had. Fact is... he has moved on, he has found someone else. 7 years of friendship/relationship gone, and I somehow need to get used to it just being me again.

 

Nothing feels right you know? working, seeing friends, hobbies, I just don't enjoy them anymore. I haven't got that buzz about living for me anymore, that I used to have when he was by my side.

 

How on earth do you get used to something like that? I just don't feel like i'm ever going to find a sense of peace or happiness, drive about it just being me again.

 

Does anyone have any tips? Have you been through something similar?

 

I feel exactly the same thing and think the same way as you do... "I know she was not right for me longterm but that doesn't stop me missing her," Actually, I knew that from the very beginning but I could just not pull away myself from her. It sucks when you get suck in and you get stuck.

 

I assumed you've been on NC for months now right? Well, if you're not, or you've been breaking it from time to time...then go absolutely, totally No Contact...Delete everything...especially Facebook and all the other social network you have with your ex. I did mine only recently after 3+months of NC...it's like putting down a puppy but you hafta do it.

 

Jeez...7 years, that's really tough. I'm really sorry. I can't begin to imagine...Mine was barely 1½ years but it still affects me time and again (even when I've been strictly on NC for at least 3months now)...I just "space out" sometimes:confused: like I get this feeling that I've "lost" something or left something behind...and its really annoying coz I think I can still get her back somehow even though I know its like running back to a burning building...And what's even more annoying now is at times I feel like its futile to move forward and find someone new...so soon?...what for?...<sigh> I'm rambling already...

 

Anyways, I dunno any particular psychological tricks or pharmaceutical remedy to get over someone....but personally, I've taken up 3Rs to cope with it...physically, mentally and spiritually...In no particular order: Running, Reading, and Religion....I find that if I exhaust myself and keep reading stuff (FHM, Playboy:p) and ranting to someone "up there" then I "space out" a little bit less..

[Charlotted29]

Hey guys, thanks for telling your story, it's nice to know that there are so many other people going through a similar thing! It does make you feel less alone.

 

Yorick, yes I have been no contact for the whole 6 months, apart from a weak moment on month 4 when I couldn't stand it that he had just moved on like that, and hadn't contacted me since. I had to tell him just how much he had hurt me. He apologised and said he never meant to, but it didn't make any difference to me. However in a way i'm glad I said what I had to say. Anyhoo, he has still moved on, enjoying his new life with this new girl so it probably wouldn't have meant anything to him!

 

I can totally relate to the fact that you feel like you have 'lost' something or left something behind, it really does feel like that, even now. I'm getting more back to my normal self (sort of), but there is this yearning,missing that I still have. I actually watched 500 days of summer last night, and it is my story to a T! (except i'm Tom, and he is summer) all those mind games that summer plays and leading Tom on, him falling in love. I also went to this mini festival today that we used to go to.... so naturally I have been thinking more about him. I guess in a way I was hoping to see him there. It's difficult to just let someone go that you have known so long.

[shortee143]

I seem to be struggling more then most, as it has been 6 months and I still have that heavy ache in my stomach... like something is just not quite right.

In my head, I know he was not right for me longterm but that doesn't stop me missing him, and wishing we still had what we had. Fact is... he has moved on, he has found someone else. 7 years of friendship/relationship gone, and I somehow need to get used to it just being me again.

 

Nothing feels right you know? working, seeing friends, hobbies, I just don't enjoy them anymore. I haven't got that buzz about living for me anymore, that I used to have when he was by my side.

 

How on earth do you get used to something like that? I just don't feel like i'm ever going to find a sense of peace or happiness, drive about it just being me again.

 

Does anyone have any tips? Have you been through something similar?

 

One of my best friends and I say the same thing to one another as you said above. We just want to feel like us again. It is so ok to still be hurting..we are both one year out and still effected. She never sees her ex, and I see mine all the time sadly. I know seeing him really effects me of course. I just miss the fun, old me. I was fine before him, so happy with him, and a wreck without him. All our frriends are still together with there SO's, he will have a gf, and then there I am alone...it just has made me not feel like me. He too has moved on, and I get the pleasure of seeing him with these new girls..and I see him all fine, yet I still feel like a part of me is dead. I think you just need to keep pushing thru, 6 months after 7 years is not that long, cut yourself some slack. I know the feeling is terrible. The worst part is that it all really has to come from within, and that is incredibly easier said than done. Your life will need to get readjusted, and that takes time. I am STILL trying to learn how to have a fun life with my friends, while still seeing him and with other girls nonethless, my brain is trying to process, still grr! It can take time, but I am used to being single, and on my own now..just not used to seeing him with others. You are not alone, it is a big life change..one second someone is an immense part of your being, and the next, they are not. It is insane for the mind to comprehend that sometimes.

[Charlotted29]

Shortee that is such a good way to describe it 'one second someone is an immense part of your being, and the next, they are not. It is insane for the mind to comprehend that sometimes. I think my brain completely shut down in those first few months trying to comprehend it!

I think it is getting easier, and the more people are saying 6 months is not long for a real love, especially one of 7 years the more im becoming accepting to the fact that it will take a long time to stop missing him. I have accepted that I will always love him but it's the getting on with your life part that

My life does just need to get readjusted, and I think it does in time.

I'm sorry that you have to see your ex around still, that must be really tough and totally doesn't help you to move on and get over him! I think whenever we see an ex with a new girlfriend, whether we still miss them or not it is always hard. I know what you mean though, it's like you could almost deal with not having him in your life anymore, but it's so so much worse knowing he is having such a better time, and moved on with a new life and new girl.

It always seems to be the way that the guy moved on straight away... usually to cover up any feelings off loss. Us girls just can't do that, but it proves we are alot stronger!