vanek26 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I started out really trying hard in the dating world about two years ago. I was a virgin at the time. Since then, I've had a few relationships, a ton of flings, and even a handful of one night stands. Ideally I want a relationship dynamic with someone, but most of the girls I have encountered have been more interested in the vapid, shallow side of life (see: Jersey Shore). And I'm not going to lie, there have been girls who wanted something real with me... but we eventually broke it off. So I counted it up yesterday and I have had sex with 23 girls. Messed around with countless others. I didn't think this was much of a big deal, but I was reading a thread the other day where someone said they would never date someone who had that many sexual partners. It seemed like an arbitrary thing to write someone off on, but I've been giving it more thought lately. Does this lustful trail I've been on mean that I won't be able to be happy in a LTR?
Emilia Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Does this lustful trail I've been on mean that I won't be able to be happy in a LTR? No it doesn't. I think habits can become a way of life and it's important that you don't allow flings and STRs the only way you can relate to women. You should definitely try for an LTR even if it means no sex for a while (I'm going through that now, it's annoying but I want to get out of the flings cycle) but by no means should your past affect your future in this sense. I never ask a man about his number and there are a lot of others who also think that way
yongyong Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 If you've been attracting jersey shore type girls, you must be a jersey shore type guy. (basically, birds of feather flock together) It's not about how many sex partners you had. (do you think those 'good girls' don't get laid regularly?) It's more about who you are and what kind of girls you attract based on your personality.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 The honest answer in most cases is no. Some of the more conservative types or the born-again-virgins might inquire about it and have some difficulty accepting it but ultimately they're going to judge based on how you are now and how you treat them. Should it be a red flag for women? I think so, at the least a very big concern or alert. However the fact of the matter is most women settle for very simplistic explanations from men about their past and relationships...for example many men come out and cry about how their ex's hurt them and were this way and that then turn around and do the same thing to the new woman that they were crying about, a lot of men play the sad little victim to soak up emotions from women and the majority of time women believe it. So should you be concerned? not really, the chances are most of your past deeds will go ignored and you also have to remember women like to put their own past in the past as most have done unsavory and embarrassing things with men as well...so they may be too insecure about themselves to ever look at your issues and judge you for yours, lest you turn the the tables on them which men will easily do. Don't worry about it, your past is the past and that's how most people see it...regardless of what it actually means and says...which to me means It's extremely debatable whether you'd settle down with any new woman...without any kind of gap and time-off of women to resettle and gather your thoughts and needs, you'll keep steamrolling down the same path unless you did those things in the past for just an entirely different reason that you're over with now...but I'd be extremely skeptical of that regardless.
RedRobin Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 The honest answer in most cases is no. Some of the more conservative types or the born-again-virgins might inquire about it and have some difficulty accepting it but ultimately they're going to judge based on how you are now and how you treat them. Should it be a red flag for women? I think so, at the least a very big concern or alert. However the fact of the matter is most women settle for very simplistic explanations from men about their past and relationships...for example many men come out and cry about how their ex's hurt them and were this way and that then turn around and do the same thing to the new woman that they were crying about, a lot of men play the sad little victim to soak up emotions from women and the majority of time women believe it. So should you be concerned? not really, the chances are most of your past deeds will go ignored and you also have to remember women like to put their own past in the past as most have done unsavory and embarrassing things with men as well...so they may be too insecure about themselves to ever look at your issues and judge you for yours, lest you turn the the tables on them which men will easily do. Don't worry about it, your past is the past and that's how most people see it...regardless of what it actually means and says...which to me means It's extremely debatable whether you'd settle down with any new woman...without any kind of gap and time-off of women to resettle and gather your thoughts and needs, you'll keep steamrolling down the same path unless you did those things in the past for just an entirely different reason that you're over with now...but I'd be extremely skeptical of that regardless. In other words, OP If this behavior is something short-lived, and you address the conditions that brought it about, most level-headed people who care about these things may give you a shot. If you make it a habit (we can debate here what constitutes a 'habit'), you are at some risk of severing the connection between emotions/sex and somewhat permanently harm your ability to bond to someone through sex. You might also be less likely to find someone who is able to keep a commitment themselves, because your relationship focus will be (too often) predominantly sex-focused. Just a few things I've observed in my travels...
durentu Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I think that the preconception is incorrect. You are trying to find some innate or inborn reason (deterministic) to say whether you are long term or short term. The reality is that you are long term when you choose to be long term. Right now, you don't want to be long term. Now comes the moral question: Is this good or bad? Ultimately, nobody can answer this for you except yourself. you'll settle down when you want to settle down. Usually happens when you are selfish and 'want more out of life'. Sometimes, selfish is very good.
Revolver Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Of course not Sluts get married all the time in America. Even ones with multiple kids.
RedRobin Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) Behaving in a way that makes the OP not likely to be picked for something long term will greatly hamper is ability to find someone when he is ready to settle down. Guys like to think they will not be judged on their behavior, but they are. Judged. Women already know they are... being judged, that is. I'm sure the above poster is referring to both men and women in using the 'slut' word. I'm not fond of it, but it is a word being used to describe both genders these days... Edited August 22, 2012 by RedRobin 1
Titanwolf Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Your past always comes around full circle. It's naive to believe that you can behave in a certain manner, without repercussions at some point in the future.
EasyHeart Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I think it's just the opposite. People need to experiment and sow their wild oats at some point in their life. If you do it while you're young, you'll be able to happily settle down into monogamy once you've "been there, done that". People who marry young or settle down without having much experience tend to think they missed out on something and have trouble being monogamous. That's my general observation. 1
RedRobin Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 People who question the value of commitment might feel they missed out if they don't sample alot of people. Those who value commitment want to invest in a person and building a life together... They find the idea of shopping around sexually as being counter-productive to finding and keeping lasting love. This has been the example in my family... and most of the time it has worked for them. This has been my observation. Some people do switch though. Some people find value in commitment later in life. Some who committed young sometimes get turned off by it and have their 'mid-life crisis'... 1
2.50 a gallon Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 In my case, yes in some ways it screwed me up. When my ex-fiance entered my life, I found myself divided. Half of me wanted to settle down, marry her and have a family. But the other half of me, did not want to give up on the great single life that I was living. She eventually got tired of waiting and left me I finally married about 5 years later, at age 35, and I chose her not because I was in love with her, but she was fold out material, and if I was going to marry and give up on all of the women of the world, I might as well chose the sexiest one. Alas, when I took my vows I did fall in love with her, other people stuck their noses in our business and we separated. And I went back to my player days, and it was another 15 years before I found another I could trust and settle down with. I am not sure how many partners I have had, though I am sure it is in the triple digits and then some, and now realize that it probably screwed me up, as I never did fulfill my dream of having a family. I am now retired and wishing I had grand children
Titanwolf Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 In my case, yes in some ways it screwed me up. When my ex-fiance entered my life, I found myself divided. Half of me wanted to settle down, marry her and have a family. But the other half of me, did not want to give up on the great single life that I was living. She eventually got tired of waiting and left me I finally married about 5 years later, at age 35, and I chose her not because I was in love with her, but she was fold out material, and if I was going to marry and give up on all of the women of the world, I might as well chose the sexiest one. Alas, when I took my vows I did fall in love with her, other people stuck their noses in our business and we separated. And I went back to my player days, and it was another 15 years before I found another I could trust and settle down with. I am not sure how many partners I have had, though I am sure it is in the triple digits and then some, and now realize that it probably screwed me up, as I never did fulfill my dream of having a family. I am now retired and wishing I had grand children That was upsetting to read man. I wonder if momentary pleasure, outweighs the long-term benefits. Personally for me, it's not worth it. I couldn't give my body to so many people and then expect my partner to feel as though she is special.
carhill Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 My exW had a lot (to me) of sexual partners, about ten times my life total, and was married three times for a total of 24 years. One anecdote. I don't believe the two dynamics are connected *unless* relationship/family history supports promiscuity/transitory sexual behavior as a lifestyle. 1
GoodOnPaper Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Does this lustful trail I've been on mean that I won't be able to be happy in a LTR? Not necessarily. I think regardless of our levels of experience, we all have challenges with sorting out "real" love from feelings that aren't conducive to relationship building. For someone with a large number of past partners, the challenge may be to look beyond the raw physical attraction and infatuation. At the other end of the spectrum -- I was never able to attract anyone for a ONS or anything casual -- the challenge might be to look beyond the feeling of just wanting to be with someone and looking for an LTR to make up for one's lack of success with the opposite sex. Of course, there are numerous variations in between.
carhill Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 OP, followup questions: What do you consider a relationship? Specifically, within the two year period, what was the longest period of time where you were exclusive and monogamous sexually and emotionally with one woman? Prior to losing your virginity, what was your relationship history? As an example, did you have an exclusive girlfriend and, if so, how long did that relationship last? Lastly, what is your family background? These are questions to process personally; no need to answer on-forum. Such dynamics indicate potentials with regards to answering the question you posed at the conclusion of your OP. 1
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