Leigh 87 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Sometimes I worry what true romantic love really is. From 17 - 20 ish, I lived with a guy I thought I was in love with... I was super attached, sometimes thought about how him dying would be so unimaginable and even cried over the thought. I also lived with him. Yet now I seldom think of him... seriously. I barly remember him, it must not have been true love, I would not have just been able to block him from my mind otherwise! I think true love is when you always remember the person for years to come, as having had a very indelible mark. This one guy sure did not for me! I just know it was not true love, and was rather us being VERY attached! OUr whole relationship was based on smoking pot together. Never any interesting or intelligent conversation, I only ever lived for smoking pot together and talking sh*t, or having sex and cuddling all night in bed. Sad sad sad! I think this question is REALLY important; I do see SO many people who are merely attached, and not all that into each other, in LONG term relationships! With the right person surely, things would not get stale, if both people are interested in learning and working on their own personal development, and are trying new things constantly throughout their lives together? I cannot imagine not having fun with a partner all the time and smiling in their presence and constantly feeling so happy to have them. I guess some people do not have high hopes for their partners, and just enjoy the title and company of marriage or having a long term partner, who is good on paper and they like to be around, but is not really the deepest of love? This thread is not that much based on my true life relationship. We both think we are in love. We just see people around us who... do not appear all that enthralled with one another? Then there is another thing different types of people have interesting opinions about; love at first sight or early on, before truly getting to know a person? Personally, I was a shell of a person when I met my partner, so how on earth can a person know for sure your " the one" based on first impressions? Sure, we had a strange " feeling" we had not et experienced, but I was a damn hard person to get to know, so falling in love hard and fast does not sound lie the only logical way to experience the deepest of love? I mean, I could we both felt a strange " feeling", but it was not like in the movies where you think " your the one for me". It was rather a very strange feeling, that we only made sence of once we DID get to truly know one another. I know of maybe 3 people who are obviously in love; one is an couple in their latr 40's, who know true love based on failed marriages/long term aprtnerships.... The other two are my good friends, and are only 18 and 29.. But they are eadch others world more or less, and best friends and lovers. The other example, is what my thread is about; they are TOTALLY obsessive, calling each other beautiful, gorgeous, and gushing on facebook to each other... In the third case, they clealy THINK they are in love! Big time! But man, is it ever possible to really love a person, without being IN love? Mabe they are just super attached and are also attracted to each other? My boyfriend calls me darling, gorgeous, beautiful, his baby, etc every day, but not on facebook, announcing it to all his mates.. he thinks it looks " gay".... lol.
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 I want to apologise for my spelling; my kayboard is broken and some of the keys take a few ( hundred) hits just to type certain letters haha. I would rather apologise incessantly than buy a new one. 1000 other things I want to do with my money. I go to the library to type important documents..
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 And also - I know a couple who have an open relatioship, where they both have fun with other people once ever year or two. He has talked about it with me. He just claims he loves her, and does not think about feelings or what love really is. He honestly does not question anything. He just lives his life, does what he does, and does not think the capacity of humans to love, and if being with other people is feasible if your truly in love. I tried that with my partner and it cheapened things. I assumed because he was young that he needed to experience other girls purely for sexual varity... That one girl surely cannot be enough for their entire life. However, he grew tired of the hookers I threw at him, in the hope it would stop him from getting bored with me in the long run. He ended up saying that he was seriously in love with me, and having a human sex toy did nothing for him; that his heart was with me, and he needed only me. The thought of being with me his entir elife sexually was a happy feeling, rather than a supressing one. SO many people claim to know what real love is, and that people like my two aqaintances surely must not be in love if they can screw other people now and again. It even got me questioning things with my own partner, who vehemently claims to love me more than anything.
Silly_Girl Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 SO many people claim to know what real love is, and that people like my two aqaintances surely must not be in love if they can screw other people now and again. It even got me questioning things with my own partner, who vehemently claims to love me more than anything. Seriously Leigh, WHY would you post so much judgemental stuff after all your dozens of posts insisting your boyfriend DOES love you despite shagging other women. Can you accept that love takes different forms for different people and it's not for us to deem what's love and what's not.
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Seriously Leigh, WHY would you post so much judgemental stuff after all your dozens of posts insisting your boyfriend DOES love you despite shagging other women. Can you accept that love takes different forms for different people and it's not for us to deem what's love and what's not. I am not being judgental. I have not intended to be. I am not a judgmental person at all - you know, I am friends with anyone who is a good person, and love talking and interacting with all people. Sorry if I came across as judgmental, I was analysing some relationships... The way I talked about them obviously came accross wrong. Oops. What I meant about the facebook loved up couple, is that my partner and I are like that a lot in private, but feel guys who do it on facebook do not sound very manly.. I am not saying they are LESS manly, it is just a turn off. That is all. He is very happy with his Fiance and vise versa. And of course my own predicament would cause me to question what love is; my boyfriend got back from his recent trip, told me he cannot ever be away from me again, and that I am the women he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He told me that the fact I TOLD him and PUSHED hookers on him, because I thought long term monogomy was boring and unappealing especiall at our age.... Is not something he ever wants to think about again. He got his " fun" out of his system, and does not feel the least bit inclined towards meaningless sex again. It makes me realises my boyfriend loves me a great deal, but is possibly delluded... He THINKS he is so in love with me, but he simply has spent so much time with me and loves being around me ALL the time, and hence THINKS it is " love"
TLY22 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I am not being judgental. I have not intended to be. I am not a judgmental person at all - you know, I am friends with anyone who is a good person, and love talking and interacting with all people. Sorry if I came across as judgmental, I was analysing some relationships... The way I talked about them obviously came accross wrong. Oops. What I meant about the facebook loved up couple, is that my partner and I are like that a lot in private, but feel guys who do it on facebook do not sound very manly.. I am not saying they are LESS manly, it is just a turn off. That is all. He is very happy with his Fiance and vise versa. And of course my own predicament would cause me to question what love is; my boyfriend got back from his recent trip, told me he cannot ever be away from me again, and that I am the women he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He told me that the fact I TOLD him and PUSHED hookers on him, because I thought long term monogomy was boring and unappealing especiall at our age.... Is not something he ever wants to think about again. He got his " fun" out of his system, and does not feel the least bit inclined towards meaningless sex again. It makes me realises my boyfriend loves me a great deal, but is possibly delluded... He THINKS he is so in love with me, but he simply has spent so much time with me and loves being around me ALL the time, and hence THINKS it is " love" Stop. Just stop. You cannot judge other relationships because they don't seem right to you. Love is not a questionable thing; you cannot analyze it. Who are you to say two people aren't in love because they gush to their friends? Love doesn't have to be a secret for it to be real. And now you're questioning the man who claims to love you with everything he has. What is wrong with you? Please stop picking apart love like this. It hard to read, and even harder to respond to.
quankanne Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 love, when it's really love, is something quiet and sure and steady. It doesn't need flashing lights or glitter or sappy pronouncements to the world to make it "real" or "true," because it's the solid foundation that supports the relationship. At least in my book, that's what love is. but old Will says it best in Sonnet 116
xxoo Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Love is as love does. The public displays are fine, as long as the action is there to back it up. 2
WonderKid Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I've never been in love but its not as simple as singers and people display. Real love is having that person's back. I'm talking about being ready to die for them without the thought. It hits unexpectedly in my opinion. I've seen a lot of women (including some in my family) that love their guys sooo much and they "think" the guy loves them back--but being a guy myself I know it's BS. They'll do 3 good things and then 10 ****ed up things next. No one will ever figure out love it's like genders trying to figure eachother out.
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Hmm my partner believes he is madly in love with me. - he constantly tells me he would do anything for me - he costantly tells me that all he thinks about to get him through the day is the thought of coming come and hugging ME - he constantly tells me how I am the love of his life - he constantly tells me that I am the one for him - he constantly tells me how I am his gorgeous/princess./angel, etc ETC which is NOT like how he thought he would ever be towards a women ( thought it was " gay", " unmanly", etc) He is SO sweet and lovely to me; and he is not a guy who is readily like this with girls. I am the first girl he has been like this to. He was not like this with the last girl he loved briefly for 3 - 4 months whilst he travelled with her... What's more - he always thought acting this way was " un - manly"... yet he has fallen into the pattern of acting this very way to me. It just confuses me when he acts like he adores me... and yet when I told him to, he had sex with prostitutes. Albiet, he said he would not have ever asked for it had I not suggested it. Here he is telling me how much he loves me ( EVERY day, literally, he tells me how much he loves me, how I am the one for him, how he is SO happy with me)... All the while, people on here have told me that he does not love me, because I told him to have sex with hookers and he opted to. He was the sort of guy who loved hookers ( quick, easy, meaningless sex, among other perks) and thought that I was so " cool" for suggesting him have sexual varity whilst getting to know me still. I guess he was very much planning on NOT settling down, but now he is SO adamant that he wants to with me. It makes him SO happy to think about settling down with me/never having sex with another hookeror women again. Who am I to burst his bubble, just because people say he must NOT love me, due to what he did? I was so silly for not thinking I was enough for him sexually:( I have a lot of guys who like me ( more for my personality than looks too), and of course I am enough. I lost respect for myself based on what I thought was " ideal".... Oh well, all I can do is re build now. He is mortified that I have even questioned his love and lessened my self respect... the fact I now feel bad about my desisions of the past... he is trying to help me deal with it.
Mrlonelyone Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) Love is caring for other people so much that you take care of them at least as much as you take care for yourself. I love my elderly parents and my sweet but quirky sister. I am the most able of them in my family, though I am transgendered, and I support them. I love each and every one of them as a parent must love a child. The love of family is the most real kind of love there is, not everyone has that. This carries over to romance too. After the initial phase, love becomes more like the love one has for their family. The love of my mother for my father or my aunt for my uncle. Love which as outlasted the lifetimes of most people reading this is real love. Real love is what happens when your partner gets fat, looses a limb, gets cancer, is horribly burned, becomes senile, or has a mental issue. Staying when things are bad, that is the test of love, and sadly many relationships fail it badly. A good example of real love is seen in the marriage of John and Abigail Adams. Married over 50 years, separated by the atlantic and hostile armies for years on end... many people these days act like cheating doesn't count if you are more than 500 miles away. Many people these days loose it if their SO is out of communication for a hour let alone months. That was real love, rarely seen in our attention deficit ridden time. That's just IMHO. Edited August 22, 2012 by Mrlonelyone 3
pteromom Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Love is when two people "get" each other and are able to connect with each other. They are happy to give what the other needs. They are best friends first and foremost. The thing is - different types of people have different types of love. The love you've described between you and your bf would be overbearing and smothering to ME. Which is why he's with YOU, and not ME. If I thought someone needed the thought of hugging me to get him through his day, I'd run screaming. I need someone who is a happy and contented person. I need to ADD value to someone's life - not BE someone's life. If a couple want an open relationship and are happy within it, that doesn't mean they aren't in love. It just means they have similar values when it comes to sex and love. And they found each other - great. If a couple is happy with very little passion or sex, fine. For some, playing Scrabble is a powerful connecting force. Who am I to judge someone else's love? What love ISN'T: Love isn't a desperate need. Love isn't that feeling of "butterflies" in one's stomach. Love comes from actually knowing and accepting someone. 1
8mia8 Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 Love is caring for other people so much that you take care of them at least as much as you take care for yourself. I love my elderly parents and my sweet but quirky sister. I am the most able of them in my family, though I am transgendered, and I support them. I love each and every one of them as a parent must love a child. The love of family is the most real kind of love there is, not everyone has that. This carries over to romance too. After the initial phase, love becomes more like the love one has for their family. The love of my mother for my father or my aunt for my uncle. Love which as outlasted the lifetimes of most people reading this is real love. Real love is what happens when your partner gets fat, looses a limb, gets cancer, is horribly burned, becomes senile, or has a mental issue. Staying when things are bad, that is the test of love, and sadly many relationships fail it badly. A good example of real love is seen in the marriage of John and Abigail Adams. Married over 50 years, separated by the atlantic and hostile armies for years on end... many people these days act like cheating doesn't count if you are more than 500 miles away. Many people these days loose it if their SO is out of communication for a hour let alone months. That was real love, rarely seen in our attention deficit ridden time. That's just IMHO. Yes... this! Seems very few people understand.
It's Just Me Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 If I thought someone needed the thought of hugging me to get him through his day, I'd run screaming. I need someone who is a happy and contented person. I need to ADD value to someone's life - not BE someone's life. This REALLY resonates with me. My partner and I love each other deeply, but we also understand each other's desire for some space and time alone. That said, there is always daily communication in one form or another. Neither one of us feels neglected in any way - we are pretty evenly-matched there.
pteromom Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 This REALLY resonates with me. My partner and I love each other deeply' date=' but we also understand each other's desire for some space and time alone. That said, there is always daily communication in one form or another. Neither one of us feels neglected in any way - we are pretty evenly-matched there.[/quote'] See? You are a perfect example of what I was saying. A different kind of love than Leigh's, but no less "real". Everyone is different - the goal is to find someone that complements YOU; not for you to try to shape yourself to someone else's definition of "love".
xxoo Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 This carries over to romance too. After the initial phase, love becomes more like the love one has for their family. The love of my mother for my father or my aunt for my uncle. Love which as outlasted the lifetimes of most people reading this is real love. . I very much agree with Mrlonely's beautiful post, but not entirely with the above part. We are long past the initial stage, and our love is still very much a romantic love. Not the butterflies and excitement, but a shared private world known only to us. It's different from the love of a parent or a child.
Mrlonelyone Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Yes... this! Seems very few people understand. Thanks. ____________________ When the OP writes of being attached and attracted is what professionals call codependency? Signs of a Codependent Relationship Symptoms of Codependency | Psych Central Basically, a codependent relationship is one based not on real love, but based on the full filling of a mutual emotional need for validation, or satisfaction of an additiction. (the op mentioned pot) etc. It was applied to spouses of alcoholics at first, to get an idea of what the term means. I have seen tons of relationships like this. Where one party gives up their whole self for the sake of their SO. They like what their intended likes, they loose their own friends for their SO. They loose contact with family that their SO, does not like. Often this is one sided and the SO gets his or her way all the time. It could be called "neediness" but really it's what people mean by that times 100. That's not love. Love is a truly mutual thing. It's not mutual love if one person loves and the other just tolerates their partner for the psycho-social benefits of not being "single". (a most taboo thing to be once above a certain age in any society. Dare I say even more taboo than being LGBT. The only thing worse than being single is being queer and single. Not intended to derail the thread.)
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